Skwisgaar was drunk. He had just wandered into the recreation room where three of the band members sat in the hot tub. He had been alone at the club this night. They spared him a glance, one of what could almost be mistaken for confusion the other two definite indifference. He stumbled to the couch and sat down staring at the tv. It was nothing but a blur of color and sounds. This wasn't a good buzz. If it was whatever was on the screen would be hilariously funny and he probably would have toppled into the hot tub giggling.
"Skwisgaar". A voice sounded right by his ear. He knew who it was and immediately regretting being drunk or even alive right now.. There was no way he could resist even if he had been sober.
"This is the first and last time" He said.
He had hurt this man more than he cared to think about. Oh yes he knew just how much he had hurt him. It was only because he wanted to see how far he could push before his feelings for Skwisgaar turned into hate. It was a game Skwisgaar didn't admit to enjoying.
Skwisgaar followed him to his own room a few paces behind the one leading him. A little unsteady on his feet. The other man lead him on, confident he'd follow. When they reached the room the other closed the door and turned off the light. Skwisgaar was immediately pressed against the door and a firm kiss was planted on his mouth. He relented on instinct.
He could feel his own heartbeat. It threatened to beat him straight into the ground. A hand reached down to his zipper. He could feel the other's breath on his neck. It was quiet and smooth. Skwisgaar was gasping for air. He braced himself against the wall knowing if he let this happen it would be the point of no return. The button on his pants was undone and the zipper was unloosed. He was no longer cool collected Skwisgaar in charge of not only his emotions but those around him. He was almost completely undone. But not quite. He was still sane enough to feel the pain of what was going on.
They moved to the white bed, almost as one. Somewhere along the way they were both undressed. Skwisgaar was flat on his back on his own bed while the man straddled his waist. "I love you" he whispered, partially because he thought it was what the other wanted to hear, partially because it was what he knew the other did not want to hear. Both were true.
The other man faked a smile, so sweetly Skwisgaar almost believed it was true. But he knew better. The man on top pressed his hips into Skwisgaar's and began rocking slowly. "fucked...up..." floated disjoined through his nearly incoherent mind. The other stroked Skwisgaar's face and hair that smile still on his face, as if there were nothing more that he wanted in the world than this.
The only things Skwisgaar could give he had given long ago. Lies and failing relationships.
He hates himself for what he did to his friend. He turned him into this.
He waits for it to end and for the aching in his gut to subside.
"It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up"
You used to be the reason I breathed. But now it's choking me up.