The whole squad just closed a case that had them up for three days strait.
"Anyone up for drinks tonight?" Olivia asked, grabbing her jacket.
"I've got a meeting tonight, or I would." Amanda sighed.
"I'll go with you, Liv." Fin spoke up.
"I guess I could use a few." Nick agreed with a smile.
The squad got to the front doors and all waved goodbye to Amanda. Olivia was focused on her own thoughts as they walked down to the bar. She really needed a drink after this case. Things have been rough since Elliot put his papers in, but after being stressed for these last few days, things have gotten worse.
Once they arrived, they sat down in a booth and thankfully didn't talk about work. Nick talked about his daughter and Fin listened. Olivia stayed quiet, sipped her drink and sort of zoned out into her own world.
Olivia jumped at the sound of Nicks voice. "Liv? Did you hear me?"
"Uh, no sorry. What'd you say?" She asked.
"I'm heading out, I'm going to see Zara tomorrow." He said, smiling.
"Have fun. Good night." She said.
Fin moved to the other side of the booth and watched as Olivia ordered their third round of drinks for them. "Is everything okay, Liv?" She stopped drinking and gave him a confused look. "I mean, you're always tired and you've been quiet since Elliot left."
"Well, yeah, he was my partner for 12 years. I'm just trying to adjust." She said, sipping more on her vodka.
"Adjusting by drowning it away with these drinks?" Fin speculated.
She put the glass down and glared at him. "You know what, if you have something to say to me then let's hear it."
Fin looked at her for a minute before saying, "You can't let Elliot leaving destroy you. You're a good cop and I'd hate to see that vanish because he did."
Olivia only sat there staring down at her now half empty Bloody Mary. She rolled her eyes, smiled and downed the rest of it before looking at him again and saying, "How about another one?"
About 45 minutes later, Olivia had way too many. "Liv, I think it's time we get you home." Fin suggested, leaving cash on the table and standing up. Olivia didn't protest, she only stood up, very sloppily, and headed out the door. They caught a cab and went to Olivia's apartment. Fin decided he would walk her up, and stay on the couch if he needed to.
Once they got there, Olivia handed some money to the driver and stumbled out laughing, nearly face-planting on the pavement. Fin grabbed her arm and helped her inside. After letting her fumble for a few minutes with her keys, he took them from her and opened the door.
"Thanks Fin." Olivia slurred as she strode inside. Fin shut the door and Olivia walked to the bathroom. Fin wandered into the kitchen and noticed the vodka bottle on the counter.
When Olivia walked back out, she saw Fin pouring her vodka down the sink. "What the hell are you doing?! I just bought that!" an angry and drunk Olivia yelled, trying to snatch the bottle from him.
"I'm trying to help you. You really need to cut back." Fin said, not letting go of the bottle.
"I'm fine, Fin. In fact, I think it's time you should go." She spat and wrenched the vodka from his grasp.
"You're not fine, Olivia. I'm not going anywhere until you're asleep in bed, so let's go." Fin said sternly.
"I am an adult, not some child. I can take care of myself. Now go." Olivia shouted, waving the bottle around. She strode angrily to the front door, opened it and motioned for Fin to leave.
He stood there for a moment, and then walked out saying, "Make sure to lock it." Olivia flung the door shut, slamming it half on purpose, and then went back to the kitchen. She looked at the remaining bit of vodka left in the bottle she was still holding, poured it into a cup and walked into the living room.
She woke up to her alarm blaring. She didn't remember falling asleep on the couch, or how she got home for that matter. All she knew was that she was late, again. She quick took a couple shots, just to wake up and pulled herself together as best she could and left with her travel mug in hand.
Olivia walked into the precinct and was thankful she was the only one on the elevator. She took the lid off her mug and poured in three mini bottles of rum into her hot chocolate. She stashed the empty bottles back in her purse and took a few sips just as the elevator dinged.
She was trying to screw the cap back on when she ran right into Fin, tripped and fell to the floor; spilling her drink all over both of them. "Ohmygod, Fin, I am so sorry." She started, trying to stand back up.
Amanda and Nick walked out to see what was going on. Fin had his back turned to them so he didn't see them come up when he reached down to help her to her feet and said, "Are you drunk, Olivia?"
"Of course not!" She spat, standing up. She looked past Fin and saw the other two detectives standing there.
"You okay, Liv?" Nick asked, walking up.
"Yeah, I'm fine." She breathed and even from a distance Nick could smell the alcohol on her breath.
Amanda picked up Olivia's mug off the ground and nonchalantly smelled it. It reeked of alcohol. "Here, Liv." Amanda said, handing the mug back to her. Olivia smiled her thanks and shoved the empty mug into her purse.
Amanda and Nick glanced at each other, knowing someone had to say something. Nick spoke up and said, "What were you drinking, Liv?"
"Hot chocolate." She shot back.
"Really? Is that why you reek like booze?" He retorted.
The color drained from her face. Everyone was staring at her, waiting for her to say something. Even a couple Uni's stopped to see what was going on. She glared at Nick hard and growled, "I'm fine." before shoving past them to stumble to the bathroom.
Amanda followed her and waited for her to come out of a stall. Olivia didn't even acknowledge that Amanda was there and ignored her.
"You're drunk, Olivia." Amanda said, very matter-of-fact with her arms crossed.
"I am not drunk, detective." Olivia spat, washing her hands.
"Your breath stinks of booze and so did your 'hot chocolate', until you spilled it all over yourself and Fin." Amanda said, smirking.
Olivia didn't even notice she had spilled on herself. "Dammit." She mumbled under her breath. She looked up at Amanda, pissed that she got herself in this situation again, especially with Amanda. It was bad enough with Fin the night before.
"I should report this to Cragen, you know." Amanda said, shifting her weight from left to right.
"Then what are you waiting for, Amanda?" Olivia snapped, glaring at the younger detective.
"I was going to say that I won't if you promise to get help, Liv." Amanda said carefully.
"I don't need help. I need to get to work, and so do you." Olivia said, returning to try to clean her shirt. Amanda didn't say anything, just put her hands up and left the bathroom.
Olivia sighed and stared at herself in the mirror. She was a mess and she knew it. She splashed cold water on her face and walked back to the squad room. Ignoring the looks she got, she sat at her desk and started on her paper work.
Not even five minutes later, Cragen walked out of his office, "Benson, my office."
"Captain, I really need to finish this." She objected.
"Now, Olivia." He demanded and disappeared back into his office.
Olivia slammed her pen on her desk. As she walked over, she glanced at her coworkers, who were all watching her. She shot a glare at Amanda and strode into Cragens office.
"Yes, Captain?" She said, irritated, shutting the door behind her.
"You're one of my best detectives." He stood up and walked closer to her. "So there is no way you could possibly be intoxicated, correct?"
"What, is that what Rollins told you?" Olivia snapped.
"No. I saw and heard everything by the elevator." He said. Olivia stood motionless and held her breath. "Olivia, have you been drinking this morning?"
"No." She lied.
"Good, so you won't mind taking a breathalyzer?" Cragen said, pulling one out of a drawer on his desk. Olivia's heart dropped and she said nothing, only stared at him in disbelief. "I don't want to have to do this, Olivia." He walked back to her. "Blow."
"Captain, I-" Olivia started, taking a step back, before Cragen cut her off.
"Olivia, if you weren't drinking, this will show nothing. Now blow." Cragen said, closing the gap and held up the tube to her mouth. She reluctantly blew into the tube.
She glanced at the number and saw that it was .091. "Captain, I can explain." Olivia tried pleading with him.
"Not only did you show up here intoxicated, you lied to me about it." He shouted. The detectives back in the squad room all turned to watch through the window. "You don't think you could have come to me with this? I've been where you are, Olivia. You have a problem and you need to get help. You're suspended until you see a therapist." He ordered.
"Captain-" Olivia tried again. She had never seen him so mad before.
"Go home, Liv. Stay there until you're enrolled in some sort of therapy group." Cragen said. Olivia held back tears and turned to walk out. "Without your gun, detective." She stopped in her tracks, pulled her gun out, slammed it on the file cabinet and stormed out.
"You okay?" Amanda called. Olivia ignored her, grabbed her purse and walked out of the squad room.
Alex walked by Olivia on her way out. "Hey, Liv." Olivia didn't respond and kept walking. Alex looked after her until she disappeared down the stairs. She walked into the squad room and said, "What's wrong with Olivia?" Nobody said anything, so Alex walked into Cragens office for answers.
On her way home, Olivia stopped by a liquor store. She bought two bottles of vodka, a bottle of rum and another of red wine. She also stopped by the nearest grocery store and bought a bottle of water. Back in her car, she dumped out most of the water and filled the rest with vodka and went home.
Back in her apartment, she started cleaning her kitchen. She must have blacked out because the next thing she remembers is sitting on the couch with a half empty glass of wine. She stood up to go back into the kitchen, but made it only half way before she got lightheaded and stumbled to the floor spilling her drink in the process.
Just then there was a knock on her door. "Olivia?"
Shit. "Just a second." Olivia called back, trying to sound sober. She didn't quite recognize the voice on the other side of the door; then again she wouldn't recognize herself right now. She pulled herself back to her feet and walked up to the door. She opened it revealing Alex Cabot.
Immediately, Alex knew something was off. Olivia's eyes were bloodshot and watery; she was still holding the wine glass in her hand. She never drank in the middle of the day. "Are you okay?" Alex asked, letting herself in.
"Just fine." Olivia laughed sarcastically, walking farther into her apartment. "Just enjoying my suspension." Olivia spun to face Alex again and spilled more of her wine.
"Woah." Alex said, taking the glass from her. She went to set it in the kitchen, when she saw the rest of the alcohol she had just bought. "Suspension? What the hell happened?" Alex asked, walking back out to her.
"Didn't you hear?" Olivia was practically yelling. "They all think I'm an alcoholic, so I'm suspended. Cragen took my gun and wants me to see a therapist." She slurred out.
"Liv, stop shouting. Let's sit down." Alex suggested, leading Olivia to the couch. "Why would they think that?" Alex asked once they were sitting. Olivia stayed quiet; not wanting to admit she was drinking at work. "Olivia?" Alex repeated.
"Because I made a stupid mistake and everyone blew it out of proportion." Olivia said calmly.
"What did you do?" Alex said softly.
After a long pause, Olivia finally spoke up and said, "I was… drinking.. before work this morning."
"Have you thought about talking to a therapist ever?" Alex pushed.
"I don't need a therapist." Olivia mumbled.
"Then why do you have so many alcohol bottles here, and why were you drunk at work" Alex prompted, with an edge in her voice.
"So what?" Olivia shouted standing back up. "You think I'm some sort of alcoholic too?"
"Olivia look at yourself! It's not even 11am and you're wasted!" Alex shouted back. Before she could say more, Olivia's hand came down and slapped Alex across the face. Alex yelled out in pain and looked at Olivia in disbelief.
Olivia slowly realized what she had just done. "Alex, I am so sorry. I-"
"Don't even try it, Olivia." Alex snapped, standing off the couch holding her cheek. "You need to get help before you really lose it. Take Cragens advice and get yourself into rehab or something." Alex stood up and headed toward the door. She didn't turn around to say good-bye, she only stepped out and slammed the door behind her.
"Dammit!" Olivia shouted to herself. She had just hit her best friend. She thought for a minute, before calling Cragen to let him know she would be going to therapy.
It had been a few weeks since Olivia started therapy. She was still depressed, but sober, and back to work. Her alcoholism was her biggest concern, and she would deal with her depression later.
It was near the end of the day and everyone had been on edge. They were in the middle of a case when Amaro announced he was leaving.
"You're really going to leave when we have so much to do still?" Olivia asked, slightly irritated.
"You have Rollins, Fin and Munch. What do you need me for?" He asked, grabbing his jacket.
"I need you because you're my partner." She said, standing up to stop him.
"Are you sure? Because I think you have some unresolved problems with your old partner." He said, leaving her speechless. "You know you don't want me to be your partner, well that just sucks because your other partner is never coming back, and now I see why." He sneered.
"Woah, man. What's going on here?" Fin walked in and asked.
"Nothing. Nick was just leaving." Olivia growled with tears in her eyes. Nick turned and walked out of the squad room.
Fin noticed Olivia didn't move from where she was standing and was glaring after Nick. "Liv, you okay? What'd he say?"
"It doesn't matter. I need to go, too. I need to talk to Huang." She explained, grabbing her coat and heading out. She was in her car on her way home, when all of those feelings rushed back. She remembered why she started drinking in the first place. She knew she was going to do something regrettable, but she didn't care.
About an hour later, Fin had been thinking about Olivia. Then it struck him; Huang wasn't her therapist. She lied about where she was going and he had a bad feeling about it. He jumped up and went into Cragens office.
"Cap, I need to go check on Olivia. Her and Nick got into an argument, she said she was going to see Huang, but he's not her therapist. I've got a bad feeling about this." He spilled out quickly.
"Go. Let me know if everything's okay." Cragen said, standing to take Fin's place with the squad.
Fin rushed out of the building and went straight for Olivia's apartment.
By the time Olivia reached her apartment, she was nearly bawling. She ran in, past the doorman asking if she was okay, and ran up the stairs. She was shaking so badly she could barely unlock the door. She let herself in and locked the door behind her. She leaned against the door and let everything out; crying and screaming.
She pulled herself together, just enough to stand and walk into the kitchen. She reached for the cupboard that contained her liquor. It had begun gaining dust on the bottles. She pulled out a vodka bottle and poured it into a cup. She shot it down and let the feeling of the alcohol burn into her throat. She drank a few more shots, before she decided to pull out the rum. She mixed the two into a large glass and added some orange juice, although it was 90% alcohol.
It only took her about five minutes to drink that whole glass. She walked with another glass of vodka into the bathroom and glanced in the medicine cabinet. She still had painkillers from a while ago when she got hurt on the job. She glanced at her phone as it began ringing and saw that fin was calling.
"Oh well." She slurred as she popped about five in her mouth, ignored Fin's call and washed them down with more vodka. She sat on the edge of the tub, enjoying the numbness she felt when she felt a sharp pain in her chest and dropped her glass. The pain only lasted for a few minutes, and Olivia became more upset over her spilled drink rather than her chest pain. She walked into the kitchen, pulled out a new glass and filled it with whiskey; Elliot's favorite.
Olivia wandered aimlessly around her apartment talking about Elliot, how she missed him and wished he would come back. The harsh reality hit her that he was probably never coming back. She was starting to get a headache, so went back into the bathroom, carefully avoiding the broken glass. She pulled out about eight painkillers and six sleeping pills. She threw them back and washed them down, finishing her glass of whiskey.
She was staring at the empty glass when she phone started ringing again; Fin. She debated answering, but let it ring. A few seconds later, there was a text, "Liv, call me back." Fin, again.
She texted back, not trusting herself enough to talk on the phone. "What's going on Fin?"
She waited for a minute when he replied back, "I know you didn't go to Huang. Where are you? Are you okay?" Her stomach dropped. She chucked her phone across the room without thinking. She headed back toward the kitchen. She made it only half way before she tripped over some shoes that she left lying around and hit the floor hard.
"Shit." She mumbled, trying to stand back up. She pushed herself up with her arms when she realized she had hurt her wrist falling. The pain was excruciating. She slowly stood up and trudged back to bathroom. She knew she had already taken painkillers, but didn't think they were working fast enough, so she took 7 more.
She carefully walked into the kitchen and tried pouring another glass of whiskey. She spilled most of it and was shaking so bad she dropped the bottle on the ground, shattering it. She looked down and started to cry again. Holding the remaining glass of whiskey, she sunk to the floor, sobbing.
Fin had just come up the stairs when he heard the glass break in Olivia's apartment. "Liv! It's Fin! Open the door. What's going on?"
Olivia took a deep breath before yelling, "I'm fine, Fin. Please.. Just go away."
He could tell she had been drinking and crying. "Olivia, open the door, please." When she didn't say anything, he continued, "Before I kick the door down, Olivia."
"Hold on a second." Olivia mumbled back. Fin sighed and heard her clumsy footsteps get closer to the door. She opened it, but still had the chain attached. "What do you want, Fin"
Fin nearly gasped at the sight of Olivia. Her makeup had run down her face, her eyes were puffy, red and watery. Her whole apartment smelled like booze. "Liv, let me in. I want to help you."
She started tearing up again. "Fin, just leave. I don't want your help. I just want Elliot back." She let out a small sob.
"I know you do, Liv, but he's not coming back." Fin said softly.
"I'd rather die than go on without him, Fin. Please just leave." She choked out and shut the door, re-locking it.
"Olivia! I'm not letting you die! Let me in." Fin yelled, banging on the door. "Olivia?!" When she didn't say anything, he kicked the door down.
"What the hell, Fin!" Olivia shouted from the kitchen, holding a piece of shattered glass in her hand. Fin shuddered when he saw that it had blood on it, and that she was holding the opposite arm behind her back.
"Olivia, what are you doing?" He asked, walking toward her.
"Get out!" She screamed and hurled the piece of glass at him. While he dodged it, she turned to run and hide in the bathroom.
"Olivia, no!" Fin called after her and chased her down. He tackled her to the ground before she could get into the bathroom.
"Let go of me!" Olivia wailed, hitting him, trying to get away from him. He noticed the spilled pills next to them and the blood running down her arm.
He grabbed her wrist and yanked up her sleeve. There were multiple small lacerations all over. While he was staring at them, Olivia got in one good punch and knocked him off her. She got up and ran into the bathroom, grabbing her glass. Fin stood up and went after her. She locked the door behind her and reached into the cabinet again. She grabbed whatever pills she could get her hands on and took as many as she could with her whiskey, before he kicked down that door as well.
"Why can't you leave me alone?" Olivia yelled as Fin picked her up and carried her out into the living room.
"Olivia, calm down. Please. Tell me what happened." Fin asked, trying to calm her down. "I'm not leaving you, Liv. Tell me what's going on."
She stopped struggling and fell into him. "Nothing feels right anymore! I need Elliot here. He was my rock. How could he just get up and leave me?" She was crying hard again. She continued, but nothing she was saying made much sense to Fin. She started calming down again.
"Olivia, we need to get you somewhere to be sure you're okay. Did you take any medication?" Fin asked standing up.
"I'm not.. going anywhere." Olivia slurred suddenly out of breath.
"Liv, you okay?" Fin asked, stepping back toward her.
"Yeah," she breathed out, "I'm just.. tired and I feel weird." She barely finished her sentence before dropping to her knees.
"What did you take, Olivia?" Fin asked, kneeling next to her.
"I took," She thought for a minute, "I don't remember, but I took so many. It wouldn't go away, you know?" She was breathing heavily now, "It wasn't working fast enough, so I just took more."
Fin pulled out his cell and dialed Cragen. "Fin, is Olivia okay?"
"No. She's overdosed, but won't say what, she's been drinking and she… she cut herself cap." Fin said, while taking Olivia's pulse. "Her pulse is way too fast and she's barely conscious. Send a bus."
He hung up with Cragen and kept talking to Olivia. "Olivia, keep your eyes open for me, okay?" She exhaled a deep breath and leaned against the wall, shaking her head. She mouthed a few words, but Fin couldn't make out what she said. "You are not dying on me, Olivia." He scooped her up in his arms and rushed out of the apartment.
He went downstairs and ran into Cragen, who was accompanied by paramedics. They put Olivia on a gurney and rushed her into the ambulance.
"Fin, what the hell happened?" Cragen asked, voice littered with worry.