Title: The Medic Team of Death
Rating: T
Warning: bad language, implied gore (most likely won't dwell on it and describe it if it comes along), OCs (they play a major part of the story so if you hate that, stop reading), SPOILERS FOR NARUTO, and I'll put warnings up accordingly.
Prologue
Pein looked exasperatedly between his two subordinates and pinched the bridge of his nose (which was quite a feat because of all his piercings). Kakuzu and Hidan had just come back to the Akatsuki base in Amegakure to report on their mission. They had been sent on a fairly easy (well, easy for two S-class missing nin) bounty mission. Since it was so easy, Pein didn't quite grasp how this could have happened.
Kakuzu stood calmly in front of his desk with a bloody burlap sack. The sack in question was squirming like something was trying to get out. Kakuzu's other hand was roughly grasping the bodiless cussing head of Hidan.
"Kakuzu, would you like to tell me what the hell happened?"
Kakuzu looked at Hidan's swaying head in his left hand and back at Pein. "Our target was a sword user who seemed to like cutting up limbs. This idiot," he said while shaking Hidan's head around, eliciting a new round of curses out of the Jashinist, "was stupid enough to get caught in one of his traps and got dismembered."
"You could have fucking prevented it you fucking asshole! When I get back to normal, I'm fucking sacrificing you to Jashin-sama you heathen," Hidan complained/threatened.
"How come you haven't put him back together yet?" Pein questioned, completely ignoring Hidan's input toward the conversation.
Kakuzu shrugged and replied, "I like him better this way."
If Pein were a lesser man, he would have banged his head into his desk and possibly let out a manly whimper. But Pein was not that, he was the god of the new world! He could never seem so weak. Instead, he settled for pinching his nose harder and fought back the urge to strangle someone. "Please get on that then. I want him put back together before nightfall," he said dismissing them with a wave.
Once the two were gone he sat there for a moment, pushed back all his homicidal thoughts, and continued his paperwork.
A couple days passed and Kisame and Itachi came to get a briefing for a mission. As they walked in, Pein heard a loud smack and looked up from his work. This time Konan was there and she also stopped her work.
It seemed that while the team was walking into the office, Itachi had walked straight into the side of the door. Kisame looked on amused and a little concerned. "Itachi, are you okay?"
Itachi just responded with his normal "Hn" and maneuvered around the door. He lead the way to Pein's desk and didn't stop until his feet hit the edge of the desk. He then stood there coolly like he had intended for that to happen. Kisame stood a little behind Itachi, his face expressing more concern than amusement this time.
Pein and Konan sent each other a look that said 'What the fuck?' and turned to the duo like they hadn't done anything. The leader of Akatsuki just cleared his throat and continued with the briefing. "Do you understand?" Pein asked once he was done.
He got a nod from the two and as they turned to leave Itachi grazed his hip on the desk and Kisame asked, "Are you sure you're okay?"
Itachi spun around and looked into the direction of Kisame's voice, his Sharingon swirling dangerously. What the clan slaughtering missing-nin didn't know was that Kisame was a bit behind him so he was threatening a completely harmless wall. "I. Am. Perfectly. Fine. Kisame," and the intimidating weasel stalked out of the office, running into a potted plant next to the door before leaving.
Kisame gave Konan and Pein a look that said "The hell!?" and the duo both shrugged their shoulders and continued their work. The poor fish-man went after his partner cautiously wondering what the hell was wrong with the psycho.
A week later, Sasori and Deidara came to the officer to report what had happened on their current mission. Pein was glad the artists seemed normal...until he spied Deidara's hand. It had a ice pack strapped with a bandage stuck on it. Pein let his gaze linger on it, debating whether it was worth it or not to ask. Letting his curiosity get the best of him, he asked, "Deidara, why is their an ice pack stuck to your hand?"
Deidara grinned sheepishly and used his free hand to rub the back of his head until a moment later he frowned and put it down. The hand proceeded to spit some blonde hair out and the other occupants of the room frowned in disgust. Unaware of their disgust, the blonde pointed to the ice pack while his hand was still trying to get rid of the hair in its mouth. "My other mouth-hand has a toothache, un. I was going to get it treated the next time I saw a dentist but since the last time didn't turn out so good I just put a ice pack on it, yeah."
A look of realization and amusement crossed Sasori's puppet face. "So that's why that old man at the last village was chasing you with a kunai?"
"How was I supposed to know the old coot was a retired Shinobi, yeah!" Cried Deidara with a red face.
The two argued back and forth while Pein wondered idly why he associated with such weird people. Pein cleared his throat and the bickering stopped. "Anyway, please tell me what you found out."
Once the artists finished briefing him about what happened on their mission, he sent them out. He thought about all the problems the Akatsuki teams had and had an breakthrough. When he came up with an solution, he went to see Konan for her opinion on it. She was the most stable of Akatsuki after all.
As he walked towards the office door, he stepped in Deidara's spit up hair and it made a squishing noise from underneath his foot. He grit his teeth and it took all of his self control not to rush out and kill the artist brutally.
The next day, Pein called a meeting for all the members to attend. Begrudgingly (since missing-nin don't like being told what to do) they all went to the conference hall of the base. They all sat at the oval table filling in all the seats except the two at the head of the table, those two were reserved for Pein and Konan.
When Pein and his partner entered, they saw the members either fighting or relaxing. Itachi was staring blankly ahead at Hidan who was staring back. Pein (and most of the Akatsuki) had already guessed that Itachi's sight was deteriorating. Hidan (and Tobi, but he was only Zetsu's underling, thus not considered a full member) was the only member oblivious to the fact and seemed to think that Itachi was having a staring contest with him. Kisame watched, quite amused at Hidan's ignorance, while sharpening his teeth with a nail file. Meanwhile, Kakuzu could care less about what the others were doing and was counting his money, each time he put down a coin it made a click. It was like the sound of a clock ticking. Zetsu sat there, quietly murmuring to his other half and Tobi sat in his chair, rocking back and forth like a three year old on a sugar rush. Pein realized a moment later that the only reason he wasn't running around was because someone had tied up his hands and feet. Someone else (probably the same person) had put a plastic bag over his head with one or two airholes so he wouldn't die. The artists were arguing about art as usual but Deidara had his hand on the table. He still had the ice pack on and the tips of his fingers seemed to be tinted blue.
Pein took his seat with Konan following after him. The attention of Akatsuki turned to him and he skipped pleasantries. "It has come to my attention that, with the exception of Zetsu and Tobi, every team has some kind of illness."
Hidan looked confused and asked, "What the fuck? Do we not fucking count as a fucking team?! We're fucking fine!"
"Kakuzu is fine but you're looking kinda raggedy over there," Kisame snickered.
It was true. Hidan was looking more and more like a rag doll than a human with each injury he acquired. Kakuzu's stitches littered his body after their last mission. Hidan was about to protest but Pein put his hand up, silencing them. "Since these illnesses and injuries are hindering you, I believe it is time to make an actual medic-nin join Akatsuki."
The continual click of Kakuzu counting coins stopped. "We do not have the funds for that."
"We will just have to go for more bounties. It is a investment for the future Kakuzu."
Kakuzu seemed ready to argue but Pein glared at him with his all-powerful Rinnegan. He decided it was best to give up and live to fight for his money another day. The rest of Akatsuki didn't blame him. Not many people could hold up under Pein's Rinnegan glare.
Konan pulled two files out of her cloak, opened them to the front, and pushed them into the middle of the table for everyone to see. The two files held the known information for two village-less Shinobi named Kita Minoru and Ikeda Katsumi. The first one mentioned was a young guy, probably 20 or 21, with light brown hair and purple eyes. He was lean but strong looking and his pose in the picture was confident. The latter of the two was a young woman who was on the short side. She had dark brown hair that was almost black and bright teal eyes. The woman was giving the camera a cruel smirk as she reached for a kunai. Everyone at the table (well, maybe not Tobi, fore he was quite naive) could guess what happened to the photographer after the shot was taken.
Pein leaned back in his chair and spoke. "These two will be our new recruits, our new medic team."
Right when Pein said that, in a forest somewhere in the land of fire, a young woman walked with a basket of fruit in one hand and singing a very creepy song.
When the Devil is too busy
And Death's a bit too much
They call on me by name you see
For my special touch
To the gentlemen I'm Misfortune
To the ladies, I'm surprise
But call me by any name
Any way it's all the same
She sang while holding out the last note, letting it echo in the forest. Then she picked up the speed and started skipping at ninja speed through the forest, letting her arms touch anything in her reach. Once she touched it, there was a string of light that was torn as she kept going. Whatever was at the opposite end of the light withered and died.
I'm the fly in your soup
I'm the pebble in your shoe
I'm the pea beneath your bed
I'm a bump on every head
I'm the peel on which you slip
I'm a pin in every hip
I'm the thorn in your side
Makes you wriggle and writhe
And it's so easy when you're evil
This is the life, you see
The Devil tips his hat to me
I do it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need
I pledge my allegiance to all things dark
And I promise on my damned soul
To do as I am told, Lord Beelzebub
Has never seen a soldier quite like me
Not only does his job, but does it happily
I'm the fear that keeps you waked
I'm the shadows on the wall
I'm the monsters they become
I'm the nightmare in your skull
I'm a dagger in your back
And extra turn upon the rack
I'm the quivering of your heart
A stabbing pain, a sudden start
And it's so easy when you're evil
This is the life, you see
The Devil tips his hat to me
I do it all because I'm evil
And I do it all for free
Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need
She slowed down and walked slowly while swinging her arms.
It gets so lonely being evil
What I'd do to see a smile
Even for a little while
And no-one loves you when you're evil...
Suddenly she gave an evil smirk and sped through the forest while singing the ending of her creepy tune.
I'm lying through my teeth!
Your tears are all the company I need!
When she ended, she reached her destination. It was a small cottage with a young man shaking his head. "You're fucking insane, you know that right?"
"Aw, you know you love it!" The woman giggled, her teal eyes sparkling.
He snorted and closed his purple eyes as he opened the door for her to come in.
Song: When You're Evil by Voltaire
Thank you for your time and please review!