Summary- A look into what Rodney's life was like after the episode Trinity. Spoilers for "Trinity"
A/N- This has major Rodney whump and will have major team angst and Rodney angst in later chapters
Cold
Chapter 1- End it all
Rodney stared bleakly at the blue screen in front of him. Each word blurring into the next as the scans results pop up.
'Is this what my life has come down too….a bunch of blurred words on a screen?' He thought to himself as he closed the browser and leaned back in his seat. He rubbed his eyes and looked back at the marine standing guard at the door.
He sighed and looked down to the floor. Every since that one mistake he's been hounded. Watched like a common criminal because of his near deadly error. He can handle the working limitations and approval of projects through Zelenka but being watched was the one thing he could do without.
He stood and shut down the computer with a sigh, "never take a break, do you?" he asked the silent marine as he walked over to the door.
The marine, wordlessly, stood aside and let Rodney pass him a little before following him.
Rodney paid no mind to the marine and continued walking down the hall aimlessly. His mind in a fog with exhaustion and loneliness.
He lowered his head as he stopped mid-stride, his brows furrowed in intense thought, 'how much longer is this going to go on? Will I ever gain their trust back? How long will I be alone like this? It's just like how it used to be…I'll be alone forever…just like when I was a kid…' he thought sadly as he then continued on slower.
His thoughts never ceased, 'maybe I should just pack up and go back to earth. I mean it's clear they'll never forgive me…I can only say "I'm sorry" so many times. But…what if I mess up on earth like I did here? Then there will be no place for me…maybe I should just cut the losses and end it. All of it. Tonight.' He thought as his head snapped up. All his other thoughts remained silent except the urging thought.
"End it all" he murmured to himself, "That's it…what's the point of going on with no one…" he said quietly as he continued on.
He glanced back at the marine following him as they approached the nearest balcony, "Just going out for some air. I'll be fine." He said as the marine reluctantly nodded, taking post elsewhere.
The air was cold with a bitter pang as the oceans crashed against the city. He welcomed the numbing breeze as he stood by the railing and peered over. It was a far drop, none too quick either. He straightened up with a frown. That is certainly not the way he wants to go.
He leaned against the railing in thought before he sat down on the cold ground with his knees up and his pleasantly numb arms resting on them. As he thought his fingers absent mindedly drifted over the top of his wrist.
Almost instantly the light bulb turned on. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his standard switch blade that he always carried with him in case something needed to be cut in the labs. He flipped the blade open and stared at the smooth sliver.
He held it close to his face examining the sharpness, his breath fogging the cold sliver briefly.
Dark thoughts invaded Rodneys mind as he ran the blade along his arm, not putting pressure on it, just sliding it on the skin.
He turned his arm over so that the sensitive side of his wrist was exposed. The pale skin beckoning him, just waiting to be cut open, waiting to bleed.
Rodney sat up straighter and cross legged on the cold floor as he watched intensely. He moved the blade down to his lower forearm.
He pushed down on the blade and slowly broke the skin of his numb forearm. The slight burning pain was a warm welcome.
Blood bubbled from the test cut and dribbled down onto the floor. Relief flooded Rodney as he let the blood drip. Without even thinking twice Rodney repeated the motion on his forearm, blood staining the blade and the floor. He continued until he couldn't think of anything but the relief and burning pain.
He didn't even notice the footsteps as the marine approached and walked onto the balcony.
All he wanted to do was cut. Cut away the pain and loneliness. Cut away the guilt and shame of losing everything he wanted for so long to have.
The marine rushed over to Rodneys side, "Dr. Mckay?!" he bellowed as he tried to wrestle the blade out of Rodneys hand.
Rodney kept a strong grip but the marine over powered him and snatched the blade away.
It was in that very moment something in Rodney snapped. He hollered as he desperately tried to get the blade back but the marine had him pinned on his stomach in seconds.
"I need a med team to the west pier balcony!" the marine said into his ear piece as Rodney struggled under him.
"get off me! Get the fuck off me!" Rodney cried angrily as he struggled but the marine stayed firm.
As the med team rushed over Rodney gave up fighting. The med team flipped him over onto a gurney gently.
Carson rushed over to Rodneys side and started barking orders at his team as they worked to get the bleeding to stop.
Realization hit Rodney like an eight ton truck as his anger and defeat faded into sadness.
"oh god…what have I done…" Rodney said trying to stop from sobbing but he failed as a broken sob broke through as the med team wheeled him to the infirmary.
Carson gave Rodney a sedative to calm the distraught man as they pulled into the infirmary.
"C…Carson…I…I'm so sorry…a...about everything…" Rodney managed out as sleep made his mind fuzzy.
"I know lad…I know. Och…I told them putting all those restrictions on you for this was too much…" Carson said as he gazed warmly down at rodney, "just sleep my friend…we'll fix this." He said gently as Rodney drifted into a restless sleep.
TBC-
Ok I know I already have a "Rodney cutting fic" out there but I like this one much better lol this idea was inspired by this song- "Over my shoulder" by- Mika. I'll try to be fast updating this one but I am currently working on another fanfiction as well ("you're tearing us") I hope you enjoyed the first chapter.