Mea Culpa

By Entis

Damn you! Damn you thrice! Why?! Why the hell couldn't I be the one to die? I hate you! No matter how hard I try to let you go, you always stay there - by me. By my side. Always whispering. Telling me how you trusted me. How you wanted to believe in me, hold me tight in your arms and pass our lives together as one.

You trusted me? Trusted... It hurts much more than anything else. It was what killed you, wasn't it? The betrayal. I wanted to save you... but if I hadn't chosen - the fate, it played us well. If I hadn't chosen, our life would pass by in eternal waiting and unfulfilled will to choose our own path.

I'm no illusionist. I know that it would be either you or me. But every time I see your face in the mirror, I can't help but think you would never do that. You would never act like I did and maybe... just maybe we weren't as same as anyone would think.

Do you believe that the stronger one is the one to survive? I've thought so... but not now. Not anymore. I am weak. I fear and I avoid. I've avoided whole my life with you when I've met the king and now I'm avoiding whole my life with you and the king. It's funny how it all returned now to bite me on my ass. It is really entertaining. But I've always found humor where it was not and so did you if I remember correctly. I've realized that my memory is getting weary. I've forgotten whole moths of my life and until a few weeks ago I didn't really realized it. I wouldn't if it wasn't for Sakura.

Sakura. The princess. Poor little girl. I never really had the ability to predict what would happen - I've always run from my future as well as from my past - but I /know/ she will die. Actually, it makes me want to cry. She's so lovely. She likes me. Oh, how many times that brought a smile to my face. Not that I could appreciate every thing I've smiled at during our long journey. Smiles are habit and such habits are quite hard to kick. But the princess - I used to be like her. Naive. When Ashura took me in and I've forgotten about you and the tower and the fate and myself too... I would dance around the graveyard with snow people I made myself and never consider it to be disturbing.

When dead bodies started appear more than before, I've finally 'woken up'.

It's amusing that what started in blood ends also in blood. It's the fate, one might say. I've never really believed in it, even though it was the basics of my art. And yes, it is art. If you manage to kill a dozen people, it's a murder. But if you kill one person in such a way that nobody's able to approach the place for whole decade and the rumors, which had spread through the whole city in two days flat, are so precise that it seems like nobody could find a way to magnify them, that is an art.

I bet Kurogane doesn't know what and art is. He's always seemed bad and dark and violent. He's really just a Big Puppy. How I wish you'd never find out about the hideousness my own hands inflicted. But you see right through me, don't you? You don't realize it yet but I am /sure/ that when my blood is dripping though your fingers, you'll know. You'll se everything and more and I'll be dying in your arms. Will you want to save me then? Will I be worth it? Or will you hate me for all I took from you and never gave back? Such a monster! No... You're not judging type. But will you despise me then? I know /I/ despise me now.

But Kurogane...

The moment you lose your faith in me... that is the moment I die.

Remember that, Kurogane. My life. Mea culpa.

Mea maxima culpa.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not a native English speaker. Reviews are always welcome. Thnx.