You used to be scared of him, but now, looking at him slumped over the couch, you can't help but feel sorry for him.
You went to Saeyoung's house to clean up once in a while. God knows that man couldn't clean up after himself. At first, he had Vanderwood to take care of all of these things for him. Now that Vanderwood has a new identity and Saeyoung is busy trying to take care of his long, lost brother, the apartment looked more like a pig sty than a living space.
You tried to be as careful around Saeran as you could, as quiet as you could. Saeyoung told you he was still pretty unstable and you didn't want to set him off while Saeyoung was out buying lunch. As you were dusting off some furniture, you heard Saeran let out a deep groan from behind you.
He was sitting on the couch, his hands on the sides of his head, gripping his hair. He looked like he was in pain.
"No… no… no…" He was silently muttering to himself while shaking his head.
Your logic states that it's best to leave him alone, but there was that part of you… that part of you that understood darkness and pain, that said you should do something for him. That part of you flashed a picture in your head of a younger you crouched down in a corner, shuddering in fear. A younger you whose mind is so feeble, a single noise could set you on a deep, dark course downhill. Worst of all, whenever these spells would happen, you would have no one beside you. No one to take your fingers out of your hair and say that you were going to be okay.
Your heart sank deeper and deeper as you saw Saeran try to battle with his inner demons. You took cautious steps towards him, as if you were walking towards a wounded wild animal.
"S-s-saeran?" You mumbled. No response.
You were kneeling in front of him now. You peered at his face to see his eyes shut tightly. His fingers dug into his scalp as he continued to mutter, "No… no… no…"
"Hey… It's me, (y/n)." You called out to him softly, "Are you okay?"
His eyes snapped open as he suddenly sprang into action. His hands went from his head to your shoulders so fast, you barely had time to react. Before you knew it, he pushed you violently on the floor.
"Of course, I'm not okay!" He screamed at you, rage pouring out of his eyes.
You back hurt because you landed on it. You slowly got up from the floor and dusted yourself off like it was no big deal. You turned to him, "You didn't look okay…"
"Tsk." He clicked his tongue at you.
"Anything I can do to help?" You asked.
"What can you do, stupid woman?" He snarled angrily, "No one can help me."
"Okay… okay…" You put your hands in front of you, gesturing that he should calm down, "I hope you don't mind if I sit beside you."
"Whatever…" He replied.
You straightened out your clothes as you sat down beside him. For a while, you sat there in awkward silence. You fidgeted with your fingers, trying to figure out what to say. You didn't want to leave Saeran alone with his thoughts, but at the same time, you didn't want to trigger another spell. You looked at him and the first thing you saw was the tattoo on his arm.
"You know, I like your tattoo…" You mentioned. You didn't expect him to respond verbally. He just looked at you as if you mentioned something odd.
"Look, I have one that looks like it…" You showed him your left wrist, "Right here." You showed him your right wrist, "I have another one here to match, too."
On each of your wrists were Egyptian-inspired eye designs. You designed them yourself. You decided to get them done when you…
You saw Saeran's eyes soften. He took a shaky finger and traced along the bright pink and purple lines that your tattoos were trying to hide. Then, he looked at you, his eyes seemed to ask, "What happened?"
"Oh those…" You retracted your hands, "I made those."
"You tried to…?" He tried to ask.
"I'm not proud of it, but yes… a long time ago." You sighed, "Before RFA… Before I was even an adult… I was a completely different person."
He sat there looking at you. He seemed like he was open to listening to what you had to say but he remained silent.
With a sigh, you continued, "My parents never really wanted to have a child. At least, my father didn't. My mother was weak-willed and did not have the strength to stop my father from beating me out of frustration. It didn't help that, at school, I was often bullied often because my body was weak and I was easy prey." His eyes were still locked onto you, "One day, I left for school with a fresh bruise on my face because my father slapped me… I forgot the reason why he slapped me, but he did. After school ended on that same day, the girls who'd bully me decided to step it up a notch. They ambushed me after school and dragged me into an alley. They pushed me, belly down, pushed up my uniform and started slicing at my back with box cutters…"
You paused for a while and let your back face him. You lifted your shirt up a little bit so he could peek at your skin, with straight white lines embossed on your lower back. You felt him trace a finger along the lines on your back.
"When they were done with me, they tossed me one of the box cutters." You continued, "And they said that I should just go end my life because I was a worthless piece of trash." You straightened out your shirt and tugged at the hem as you faced forward once more.
"What did you do?" He asked. You could tell he didn't want to sound interested but the words just came out of his mouth. You could tell because immediately after he asked, he bit his lower lip, as if to silence himself.
"I went to the local park. It was already night time by then and no one was around. I sat down on a swing. I took the box cutter and sliced my veins open. I was shocked at how easy it was…" You stared at your hands, "I thought, 'I'm better off gone… What is this life of suffering for anyway? Why am I still here? I should be gone. I want the suffering and the sadness to end…' as the blood messed up my uniform." You clenched your hands into a fist, "As I lost blood, my body weakened and I fell off the swing… and on the ground, I got a clear view of the big, dark blue, night sky. It felt like I was seeing the sky for the first time. It was so breathtakingly beautiful… with white, bright stars, and shades of black and blue. I was at peace knowing that the last thing I would see would be this sky… this peaceful, beautiful sky…"
"The sky…" He muttered to himself.
"Don't you think the sky is beautiful, Saeran?" You asked him. He nodded.
"…but there's no sky here. Not in here." He muttered to himself. You don't think he intended for you to hear him.
"Wait a second…" You told him as you rushed to Saeyoung's computer. You turned the computer on and when to an image search engine. You saved a picture of a blue sky on his desktop. You made sure the picture had the highest resolution. You saved another picture… a picture of the night sky, pretty much like the one you saw on that day. You turned on the printer and took 2 sheets of photo paper. You slid it through the tray and started printing the two pictures. When you were done, you headed back to the couch where Saeran barely moved an inch.
You handed him the photos, "Now, there's a sky here."
"Why?" He grumbled.
"Why what?"
"Why are you being so kind to me…?" He asked, "I'm nobody to you."
"I'm doing this for myself, I guess…" You sat back down beside him, "…because when I was in pain or scared or lost, no one was there for me. I didn't want you to feel the same way. I guess, you can call me selfish. I'm doing this for my own pleasure"
He flipped the pieces of paper and looked at the picture of the night sky.
"How did you survive?" He asked.
"I don't know. After seeing the night sky, the next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital with my wrist bandaged up. The doctors said I sliced clean through my wrists that I'll need rehab if I wanted to regain function of my fingers."
"I don't know how I'll survive too…" He said, eyes fixated on the picture of the night sky.
"People like us never do… but somehow, we always survive. Saeran, you…" You looked at him, "…will survive."
Just as you finished saying that, the door opened with Saeyoung carrying food. He looked at me sitting beside his brother and smiled.
"Thanks for watching over him, (y/n). I brought you guys some steamed buns and some kimchi fried rice." He gleefully announced.
"It's already a bit late, I actually better get going, Saeyoung." You responded, "Thanks for thinking of me, though."
You stood up and tried to make your way to your bag when Saeran's hand shot up and grabbed onto your wrist.
"Don't…"He said, with a hint of embarrassment, "Don't go yet."
You and Saeyoung exchanged puzzled looks. Saeyoung smiled and headed for the kitchen with the food. You sat back down on the sofa next to Saeran.
"Okay… I'm not going anywhere."
"The sky…" He motioned at the picture.
"Hmm?" You urged him to continue.
"…it's beautiful." He replied, a faint smile was on his face.