Okay, this is the second multiple chapter story I wrote….I hope you like it. It's still WIP….but the next chapters will be up soon…I never need long for updates …enjoy reading and please leave some reviews…that would be really nice -)

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

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breaking my own heart

chapter 1

Watching them broke his heart. Seeing them walking through the hallway, holding hands and kissing each other always let the demand to scream, grow bigger and bigger. He knew he could be the man she was kissing, he knew that he had had the chance to make her happy. He had had the chance to be happy.

"Hey….everything okay with you?…Grissom?"

He finally realized that she stood in his office, leaning against the doorframe.

"Hey.", he said softly.

"Everything okay?"

Nothing was okay…nothing had ever been okay since she and Nick were officially dating each other. "Sorry….I've been lost in thoughts."

"It seemed as I you were miles away.", she said softly, then walked over to him and took seat in the chair in front of his desk. "What were you thinking?"

"Nothing special."

She nodded softly, then bite down on her lip and glanced over to him.

He threw an asking look at her.

"I wanted to ask you something.", she said sounding a little nervous.

"You know that you can ask me what ever you want….we are friends, aren't we.", o how he wished they would be much more than that.

"Why….why do you say it that way?"

"What?"

"Each time you say that we are friends you have this weird undertone in your voice."

"I never noticed that."

"Sure you did…you are Gil Grissom. Mr. I know everything, Mr. Bug guy…"

"…Sara…please."

"Okay, okay.", she smiled softly at him, her eyes seemed to concentrate on him, it was as if she was looking at him and tried to perceive the way he looked like, as if she'd never see him again. "Grissom, what do you think about Nick and me?"

"You're both great CSIs."

"No, I meant Nick and me as a couple."

He knew exactly what she had meant with her question, but he couldn't tell her that he would love to smash his head against a wall, hit him in his face with a brick, do what ever was hurtful to him, because he had stolen her from him. "Oh…I don't think I am the right person to answer that question."

"But you said you're a friend of mine. I'm asking you as a friend…do you think he's the right one for me?"

"Sara, better ask Catherine."

"I can't ask Catherine. If Catherine finds out that Nick asked me to marry him and that I told him that I need time to think about this, she will kill me."

"Nick asked you to marry him?", he was shocked, not only by these news, but also when he realized how shocked his voice had sounded.

She nodded softly. "Do you think he is the right one for me?"

"Sara…you have to know this on your own…only you can judge this."

She looked down, seeming to be miles away. He knew that this had been his chance…maybe his last chance to show her that he cared for her. He could have told her she should brake up with Nick…but out of some reasons he hadn't had the courage to do so…he wasn't the type of person who let his jealousy take control about his actions and he knew that it would have been more than unfair to destroy her and Nick's relationship out of his jealousy.

"Simply tell me what you think.", she pleaded.

"Does he make you happy?"

"He's the first man who ever made me happy.", she said sounding sad.

Grissom swallowed hard, he knew that she had given him thousands of chances to make her happy, she had waited for him for five years, and he had never found the courage to allow his feelings for her to himself, until he had lost her. In the second that he had realized what was going on between her and Nick he had allowed himself to feel. He had allowed himself to love her, but it had been to late. But what was this now? Was this really a chance for him? A last chance?

"Do you think that you could be happier with someone else?", he wished she'd say something like 'Yes, with you.', but he doubted that she, even if she would still feel something for him, would tell him something like this. Too often he had turned her offers down, too often he had broken her heart.

She sighed, stared at her hands, seeming more than uncomfortable.

"You don't have to answer that…but you should maybe…think about it.", he said softly.

She nodded, then bite down on her lip again. "What if I think so?…what…what if there is someone else that could make me happier?…I…I feel so lost."

"Do you think so?"

She covered her face with her hands, leaning forward, propping her head up with her elbows , that were on the desk. She seemed to cry, Grissom wondered if she really did, his apprehensions proved themselves true when she began to wipe a few tears away from her face. He reached for her wrist and then held her hand.

"Hey…don't worry!", he didn't want her to cry. He wanted her to be the happy, always smiling woman she had become during the last year. It had been a pleasure for him to see her growing stronger and finding her way back on the right track. He had always told himself that he might once be able to show her what he felt for him, and he had hoped, that they could be happy together then. Damning himself for having been too late, he knew he wasn't allowed to destroy her life. He wasn't allowed to destroy her and Nick's relationship. "In my eyes the two of you are a perfect match."

"Really?"

He nodded, confused, because she seemed to be even more sad when he did so. "He loves you Sara!"

"Do you think I could …do you think I could find someone better?…and I want you to answer this question by hearing to what your heart tells you."

"What?"

"Grissom you are controlled by what your head tells you…do me a favor and tell me what your heart thinks."

"Sara this is…idiotic."

"Please.", she pleaded.

"He is the right one for you.", he hoped she would believe him that this answer came from his heart…sure it didn't…his heart told him to grab her and pin her against the wall.

She nodded softly, then stood up and left his office without saying anything, without looking back, without turning around.

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END OF CHAPTER ONE