Beyond four letter word
"I don't want us to fall apart"...
Serena grasped Bernie's waist tighter "neither do I"
Bernie slowly ran her hands down Serena's arms, drew away and looked her in the eye and smiled softly.
"I'm sorry" Serena spoke softly.
Bernie took Serena's hands in her own whilst standing close in front of her
"You have nothing to be sorry for, but please, you don't have to do this on your own"
Serena smiled, "I know"
Serena looked at Bernie full of the love that she just hasn't been able to show for the last few weeks, she'd isolated herself then thrown herself into work. They'd spoken on the phone when they wasn't together, Bernie had been sure to text Serena every morning she had woken up without her. Serena needed space but Bernie was hurting too, she so wanted to be there for Serena. They'd only been together a short time and she sure as hell didn't want this to be the end, she would be there or not be there, whatever Serena wanted, she respected that, She always put Serena first now after her panicking and legging it to the Ukraine, she told Serena she had changed and that's exactly what she had done.
Bernie smiled pulled Serena in gently n kissed her cheek " why don't you head off I'll finish up here and then pop home and when you're ready let me know and I'll head over"
Serena looked at Bernie "I don't want to walk really, I want to be with u"
Bernie's heart leapt in her chest as she smiled back, maybe finally Serena was going to let her be there for her,
"Ok, just give me five minutes, I'll sign off some patient forms and change then we'll head back to yours"
Serena smiled as Bernie quickly left the office.
When Bernie returned Serena was ready with her bag and coat on, Bernie popped her head in the door, "ready" she smiled and Serena nodded and she walked over to Bernie.
Bernie glanced over to Morven and jasmine and smiled as she nodded to them good night, Serena didn't look up, they headed for the door and Bernie feeling brave placed her arm around Serena's shoulders and pulled her in to her as they approached the lift. They didn't have to wait a second before the door opened and they stepped in. Serena took Bernie's hand in hers as they descended down.
They released hands as the lift opened and again Bernie pulled Serena close again with her arm as they walked to the car. As they reached the spot where Bernie had parked Serena kissed Bernie's cheek and broke the silence as she went to head to the passenger side before stopping
"do u want to go for something to eat or..." Bernie sensed she was trying to make an effort for her.
Bernie stepped in warily spoke "would you like to, are you sure you wouldn't rather just head home?..though I'm not sure if we'll have much luck getting a table anywhere tonight" she spoke softly and Serena looked at her confused "tonight?" She asked.
"Oh, um, it's valentines night so everywhere is probably booked up"
Serena burst into tears "Bernie I'm so sorry I completely forgot" Bernie stepped forward and took Serena into her arms for the second time today.
"Serena please don't get upset, I really didn't think anything of it, I think there's been more important things to worry about, I hardly expected us to celebrate anything... and I don't need a particular day to know we love each other"
Serena smiled as she stepped away. "I'm so lucky to have you, a take away then?" she said pulling herself together."Perfect" Bernie said as they both got into the car and left the hospital.
Serena looked out of the window as Bernie drove, a comfortable silence broken when Bernie asked what take away would Serena like. Serena turned and placed her hand on Bernie's thigh "oh I don't mind, Jason will probably want something too, perhaps a pizza? That's easy isn't it"
Bernie smiled and nodded and headed for the town stopping by the pizza express and running in asking for the take away leaving Serena waiting in the car. Serena called Jason to let him know they were on their way and collecting dinner. It was getting on for 7pm so Jason was happy he didn't have to wait much longer for his tea. Alan had been with him this afternoon so he hadn't been alone all day as he was still recovering and struggling with the emotions of loosing Elinor.
When they pulled up onto Serena's drive they walked up the steps to the front door and went inside. Jason met them enthusiastically "Bernie" he said loudly clearly pleased to see her, Bernie smiled and gave him a brief hug having placed the pizza boxes on the sideboard In the hallway and dropping her bag by the front door. Bernie passed Jason his pizza box, he thanked her and headed into the lounge. Bernie slipped off her boots and picked up the other two boxes before following Serena into the kitchen. Serena went to open a bottle of shiraz before stopping and looking at Bernie worried.
"Serena I'm sorry about earlier, you know the office, if you want a glass then please don't stop on my account". Serena smiled pushed the bottle aside and poured them a glass each of juice. They went into the lounge and joined Jason sitting together on the sofa opposite him. They exchanged small talk with Jason. Serena still struggling with her appetite managed two slices of her pizza before giving in and placing the box on the coffee table. Bernie and Jason polished theirs off and after an hour of tele and comfortable conversation Jason decided to head up to bed at 830pm to watch a film and rest.
Bernie looked over at Serena and offered her hand which Serena gladly took, before moving over closer to Bernie and cuddling into her. Bernie wrapped her arm around Serena's shoulders and held her close, Serena's head resting on Bernie's collarbone. The TV played to itself, neither of them taking in what was on, Just making the most of being together. After a while Bernie offered to make coffee and Serena nodded and moved away so Bernie could go to the kitchen. When Bernie returned with two mugs of coffee Serena wasn't there. She sat on the sofa, feet under her and held her coffee mug with two hands lacing her fingers together around it. She didn't panic, perhaps Serena just needed a moment. Though Bernie breathed a silent sie of relief when after a few minutes Serena returned. Serena looked tied, smaller, she was gradually shrinking. Bernie was worried about her but wasn't going to mention anything, not tonight. She felt as though slowly Serena was going to let her be there for her and she didn't want to rock the boat, she had to keep strong for Serena, show her she could lean on her.
As Serena sat down next to Bernie they shared a shy smile and Bernie realised Serena was holding a small pretty red velvet box that looked slightly aged. Serena offered it to Bernie who looked at her puzzled "for you" Serena said softly with a beautiful smile. Bernie placed her coffee mug on the table before sitting back close to Serena and carefully accepting the box. She opened it slowly, some might say awkwardly, she found accepting gifts difficult as it was. Bernie revealed a beautiful diamond eternity band ring. She wasn't one for jewellery but it was stunning, subtle, sparkling in the lamp light of the gently lit lounge, tiny diamonds set into what looked like a narrow platinum band, dainty and elegant. She looked at Serena open mouthed for a moment, speechless, if a little confused.
"It was my mother's and I want you to have it"
Bernie tried to cut in "Serena I can't it's.." but Serena stopped her..
"My father gave it to my mother as a promise and I can't think of a better person to wear it with my promise" her voice broke a little as struggled to continue but she did..
"I can't promise that I won't push you away again and that I'm not going to struggle dealing with everything but what I can promise is I still want us, just please bare with me"
Bernie was looking at Serena with a tear in her own eye as Serena's eyes lost a trail of tears down her cheek..
"I know you won't be able to wear it all the time but it's yours now and I want you to wear it when you can, when we have times together, special occasions"
Bernie pushed the box into Serena's hand and offered her right hand. Serena smiled with a little relief and took the ring from the box and slid it onto Bernie's third finger. It fitted like it was made for her and with that they launched into a strong embrace together.
"Serena it's stunning, I promise to keep it safe and wear it with honour, thank you for trusting me with it. I love you" she whispered before she kissed Serena's cheek as she drew away and Serena took her hands to Bernie's cheeks and held her face before placing a gentle but quick kiss to her lips before letting go.
"You didn't sign up for this and I Just need you to know how grateful I am for you even if I don't always find the way to show it at the moment, I do love you"
"Serena I signed up for us, you and me, partners, I want us to face everything together, I let you down once before and I don't intend to ever do that again" referring again to her monumental screw up legging it to Ukraine!
With that Bernie went to get up from the sofa.
"I won't be a moment" Bernie spoke softly but with a tone of encouragement letting Serena know everything was ok. She went towards the door and picked up her bag from where she discarded it on their way in. Bernie pulled out a small gift bag that was tied closed with a red ribbon. She had brought Serena something to mark their first valentines but she wasn't going to give it to her unless she felt it was right to do so and after Serena had done this for her she knew she could do this for Serena.
She entered the lounge and handed the bag to Serena. Serena looked her at in amazement, so Bernie had thought about it, but selfless as always she'd kept it under wraps for my sake she thought to herself.
Bernie returned to her seat and moved in close to Serena as she pulled the ribbon and opened the bag. Serena revealed a black rectangular box and looked to Bernie who nodded in encouragement for her to continue. Serena took the box and drew in a deep breath almost feeling nervous. She placed the bag by her feet before slowly opening the box, she revealed a beautiful soft gold bracelet, it was a narrow, an intricate gold chain bracelet. Serena gasped and looked at Bernie before looking back at the bracelet again, there on the end of the bracelet hung two charms, small, understated and incredibly classy looking, a letter E and a tiny pair of Angel Wings.
Serena was gobsmacked as tears fell once again down her cheeks. Bernie placed that strong arm around her shoulders again and held her close as Serena sat starring at the bracelet.
"I didn't want to upset you, I just wanted you to have something special that would mean something, you don't have to wear it, or even look at it ever again if it's too much"
"Bernie...
Bernie it is absolutely beautiful, I can't believe you have done this for me"
"Do you want try it on or would you prefer to keep it in the box for now, I understand if it's too soon"
Serena handed Bernie the box and offered her wrist. Bernie took the bracelet from the box and placed it on Serena's wrist and secured it for her. Serena smiled at Bernie still with tear stained cheeks and eyes threatening to let more fall. Bernie smiled and they held each other for a few minutes.
It was getting late now and Bernie felt she shouldn't impose herself or take anything for granted.
"I should probably make a move soon, let you get some rest" she said calmly before kissing Serena's cheek.
"Oh ok, I, er, will you not stay? Stay with me?
"Of course I will if you want me to, I just didn't want to presume"
Serena stood, took Bernie's hand and headed for the stairs.. Serena stopped briefly switching off the table lap on their way, discarded pizza boxes and glasses could wait until morning. They made it to the top of the stairs and Serena gestured for Bernie to go on to the bedroom whilst she checked on Jason. Jason was sleeping, his tv playing to itself. Serena smiled and turned it off before leaving the room then pausing by Elinor's bedroom door. Many nights recently she had spent in there crying herself to sleep, tonight she wanted to be brave. Bernie had used the ensuite and found her toiletries bag on top of the bathroom cabinet just where she had left it when she last stayed, she brushed her teeth and Serena came in just as she was finishing removing the little bit of makeup that she wore. "Alright?" Bernie asked in that soft raspy tone that Serena loved. She'd nodded and sorted herself for bed as Bernie went back into the bedroom. Serena had put some of Bernie's things in a drawer for occasions when she had stayed over previously un prepared, Bernie found her pyjama shorts and vest top and slipped them on before folding her clothes on to the chair in the corner of the room. Serena soon left the ensuite clad in her black silk slip nightdress that Bernie had brought her for Christmas. She still looked beautiful, Bernie smiled. They slid into bed together, Bernie closing the gap between them pulling up close to Serena from behind and wrapping her arms around her tightly. Bernie felt Serena snuggle back into her "thank you" Serena said softly.
"Shh no more of that, let's get some rest" as she stroked Serena's hair.
"I mean it Bernie thank you"...Bernie squeezed tighter.
" you...you won't leave me will you?"
"Never! Tomorrow is another day and we will face it together, try and get some sleep please, I love you" as she kissed the back of Serena's neck.
"I love you too, see you in the morning"
And for the first time in weeks Serena was able to settle without falling into a wine induced coma even if it may only be for one night, but she had Bernie, realised that Bernie really wasn't going anywhere, wasn't going to run off at the signs of heartache and things being far from easy. Maybe Elinor was right she thought? Although Serena may not have felt like a lion right now, she realised Bernie was most definitely her shepherd.