I should give up.
Nitori sat in the room he shared with Rin. Rin, the person he looked up to, admired, the person he tried his best to support.
The person he loved.
That last bit sent a pain shooting through his chest, it was something he felt with every fiber of his being. He loved the older swimmer, practically worshipped him, and the thought of it put him in agony. Because he knew, no matter how much he complimented or doted on him, Rin barely even acknowledged him. At every word of encouragement, every bit of kindness or affection, he was only met with anger and annoyance. Part of Nitori was even sure that Rin hated him.
Hated him.
The more he thought about it the more he was sure it had to be true. After all, why else would he treat him like that? Nitori only got in the way of Rin spending time with his friends. Friends like Haru, who had known him for much longer than Nitori had. Friends who were more talented, more interesting than Nitori. Why would Rin settle for him, no, why would he waste even a second of his time on someone like Nitori?
A tear fell from his face and soaked the fabric of his pants leg. When did he start crying? His chest ached and his eyes burned. He huddled over, crouched in a ball with his head between his legs, soft choking sobs wracked his small frame. His small, weak, useless frame. He was nothing more than a burden to those around him, he was sure. To his team, to Rin. He couldn't do anything.
I should give up.
The words came to him again. He got up, wiping the tears from his face, and went over to his desk. It was piled high with books, papers, and various pieces of junk. He remembered how Rin had tried to organize it once, only for it to get covered in clutter again the very next day. He opened one of the drawers, rifling around for a bit before his fingers found what they were looking for.
Good, it's still here.
He pulled out a box cutter, placed there when he had first moved into the room, and sat down on the bed. Turning it over in his hand, he slowly forced up the plastic tab on the side with his thumb, revealing the sharp blade. He stared at it for a while. A few seconds, minutes maybe. His mind at this point was a blur, a mixed buzz of painful emotions and self-loathing.
I should die.
The words came out of the hum, seemingly quieting all the other noise in his head.
I should die.
It was the only thing there now. It seemed like such an obvious solution, why hadn't he thought of it sooner? But…
Was he really alright with that?
If the morning came, and he wasn't there, would that be alright? After a moment, he decided it was, actually he felt relieved. The stress of trying to keep up with his team, to make Rin like him, of school, of life, of everything. The thought that he wouldn't have to deal with any of it anymore, to feel anything. It felt like a weight being lifted. A small grin crept onto his face, it was a sad, tired grin. Cautiously, he pressed the tip of the blade into the flesh of his arm. It punctured easily, and soon bright red blood began to pool at the spot, contrasting his pale skin. He winced a little, it hurt more than he'd thought it would; he'd have to do this fast.
He placed the blade on the underside of his forearm, tears began to stream down his face, though he didn't really know why anymore. Grasping the plastic handle firmly, he pushed down,
and sliced the blade across his arm as hard and fast as he could.
He gritted his teeth to keep himself from crying out in pain. The box cutter clattered to the floor, its job done. He held his arm out, shaking violently. Blood gushed quickly from the large wound and dripped down the sides of his arm, where it began to pool on the floor. The sight of it made him feel lightheaded and dizzy, or maybe he'd lost that much blood already? His vision clouded and he knelt over his arm, tears mixing with blood as he willed for it to bleed faster so he could get it over with. He stayed like that for a while, his mind blank as he stared at the flow of blood.
He barely even noticed when the door to his room opened.
"Hey Nitori, are you still- what the hell?! Jesus Christ, what happened?! There's blood everywhere, holy shit, Nitori what-"
Was that Rin? Oh no, he's mad again. Nitori snapped out of his daze to see Rin frantically trying to clean the blood of of his arm with some paper towls, his face a mask of sheer panic.
"Jesus it won't stop bleeding-shit, where's the medical kit?"
"R...Ri…." Nitori tried to speak, but his throat felt like it had been stopped up with rocks.
"Shh, it's okay, we just need to- dammit where is that thing?!"
Was Rin trying to comfort him? It was hard to tell, his words came out in a panicked torrent as he desperately searched their room for the first aid kit. Finally, Rin located the white box under a pile of fitness and swimming magazines.
"Finally!" He practically shouted, pulling the kit out and opening it with such force that the contents were strewn across the floor. Swears were muttered as he rummaged through the bit of medical supplies until he found the gauze, then he began wrapping Nitori's arm.
"What the hell were you doing?!" He shouted as he worked.
"I'm sorry." Came a choked reply. He hadn't meant to make Rin mad again, even in trying to die he'd just made things worse. Rin probably hated him even more now.
"Forget it, we have to take you to the hospital. Now."
He'd finished wrapping the wound, but it was sloppy and frantic, blood continued to seep through the gauze.
"You don't have to…" Nitori started, avoiding Rin's angry gaze.
"What the hell are you talking about? Come on-!" Rin grabbed Nitori's other arm to lift him up, but he jerked back suddenly, pulling out of Rin's grasp.
"Just leave me be!" he cried, louder than he had meant to. His voice cracked as the flood of tears started anew.
"Just leave. Please. Just let me go. Let me go…" His words faded into unintelligible mumbles.
It was then that the full weight of the situation came crashing down on Rin like a great wave. What Nitori meant by "let me go". What the deep gash and discarded box cutter really meant. Rin's eyes widened in shock and understanding as he stared down at his trembling teammate.
"You….You mean you...really wanted…" He was too afraid to finish the sentence but Nitori's silence was all the confirmation he needed. But why? Nitori had always seemed so cheerful, so upbeat, always smiling and positive. Seeing him like this now, so obviously broken, to the point where he even wanted to throw his own life away. Was he really looking at the same person? What had caused this?
Was it him?
Rin thought back all the times he'd yelled at or ignored him, too distraught by his own troubles, his own inner turmoil, to realize what damage he might have been doing. Nitori had been nothing but supportive to him from the moment they met, and it was obvious that the underclassman cared for him dearly. What had Rin given him in return for all that?
In one swift motion, Rin wrapped his arms around the sobbing boy before him. Nitori's head shot up in surprise.
"I'm sorry, Ai." Rin said, tears began to sting in his own eyes. "I never thought- I'm so sorry."
Nitori struggled to register what was happening. Rin was apologizing? Why? It didn't make any sense to him. Blood continued to soak the gauze on his arm, shining in the dull lamplight of the room as thick red drops fell into the growing puddle on the floor with a rhythmic plip plip plip. Even with Rin's arms around him, Nitori felt cold. His limbs were getting heavy, and a numbness seeped into his mind.
"C...cold." Was all he managed to say.
Rin's eyes shot open, panic set back in.
"Hang on, we'll get you to the hospital, just hang on!"
Expecting him to protest, Rin picked Nitori up, cradling him in the swimmer's strong arms. However, the silver haired boy made no move to resist, making Rin worry even more. His eyes were clouded an unfocused, and his eyelids fluttered as though he were struggling to stay awake.
Or alive.
Rin's stomach dropped. He hurried out of the dorm as fast as he could with the added weight.
"Don't you dare fall asleep on me." He shouted as he ran to his car, Nitori limp in his arms. "You stay awake, you hear me?!"
Nitori made a small noise in reply as Rin loaded him into his car. He would make it through this. He would live, and he wouldn't hurt himself ever again.
Rin would make sure of that.