Color Series: Cold Black

by Ryan Brooklyn

It is Cedric Diggory’s birthday and Angela Barry hurts so much she wants to make it stop. What will she do in her desperation? Will her friends be able to stop her from doing something she’ll regret? Rated T for thematic elements. Set during OotP

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Harry Potter. Angela Barry is my only character. Everyone else belong solely to J.K. Rowling.

Rating: PG to PG-13

Genre: Drama/Tragedy/Angst

Summary: It is Cedric Diggory's birthday and Angela Barry hurts so much she wants to make it stop. What will she do in her desperation? Will her friends be able to stop her from doing something she'll regret?

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Cold Black

They wanted to know why I had skipped classes. I could only stare at them. Didn't they know what today was? Didn't they know that Cedric Diggory, the boy who had been murdered just months ago, that he would have been turning eighteen today? I was numb all over. The only thing I could do was move from my bed to the window. I sat there, staring out the window for the better part of the day. Girls came in and tried to get me to come with them to classes and meals. I didn't budge.

Cho tried to comfort me. I couldn't see how she could continue with her life the way she was doing. Remembering Cedric lying there dead tore open the rip in my heart that had been slowly healing for the past four months. It was the beginning of my Sixth year and the first year of school without Cedric. I crossed my arms over my aching chest. Cho placed a hand on my back.

"Angela please, tell me what's wrong? You've been cooped up here all morning. You've missed breakfast and it's almost time for dinner. Come with me, please."

I pressed my arms tighter around me. "No." I said firmly. "Cedric's not going to be there."

Cho sighed. "Of course not Angela," she said as gently as she could. "He's dead."

I glared at her. "I know he is." I snapped.

I could see her backing away, tears appearing in her dark eyes.. She nodded slowly, her expression grieved.

"I can bring you something afterwards," she said before leaving hurriedly.

I sighed and fingered my locket. I clutched at it tightly. Tears sprang to my eyes. I missed Cedric so much! He should have been here now with me. His arms should have been around me and he should have been comforting me, my head directly above his beating heart where it belonged.

All summer long Mum had tried to comfort me but nothing helped. As soon as I was away from my new friends a terrible longing for Cedric engulfed me. It's like what they say about a limb that's been amputated. Even though it's gone you can still feel it, hovering where it belonged. That's how I felt about Cedric. Every time someone knocked on the door I thought it was him. Every letter, every phone call. I would hear footsteps and turn, expecting him to be there. It tore me apart.

I lost weight. I lost sleep. I lost a desire to live. Many times I went down to the lake near my house and stared into the water, wondering what it would be like if I just threw myself in and let myself drown. Mum tried everything in her power to keep me from going over the edge. But she wasn't here. She couldn't stop me.

I stood slowly, thinking of my tower just above me. I smiled slightly. They would never find me up there. Only Cedric knew of my special thinking spot. I stood slowly. Wrapping my sleeping robe closer I snuck out of the dormitories and started up the rickety stairs to the top of the Ravenclaw tower.

I approached the window. For a long time I just stood there, staring down into the courtyard. I wondered what it would be like if I threw myself out the window. Would I go instantly to be Cedric? Or would I linger in some in between place and wait for him to come get me?

I pushed open the window. A cold wind covered me with chills. I wrapped my arms around myself tightly and stepped closer to the sill. I climbed up and stood with my toes hanging over nothingness. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Slowly bending my knees I prepared to jump . . . only to be pulled back from behind.

"What the bloody hell are you doing?" Ron exclaimed.

I struggled in Harry's grasp. "Let me go!" I screamed. "I can't stand it anymore. I need to be with Cedric!"

"She's gone mad!" Ron whispered loudly to Hermione.

She shook her head exasperatedly and approached me. Putting an arm around me she faced Ron.

"It's called Post Traumatic Stress. It happens to those who are recovering from a traumatic event. In this case, Cedric's death."

"But why does she want to kill herself?"

"Because her brain cannot register the new missing place in her life that was Cedric, so she is straining with the urge to fill that place, and the only way she thinks she can do that is to commit suicide and join him."

Ron only looked slightly less confused and I was getting frustrated.

"Stop psychoanalyzing me and let me go!"

I thrashed about violently, trying to rid myself of Harry's grasp but he would not let up. Hermione grasped me tighter too. Ron backed away slowly.

"Is she dangerous?" He asked, his voice wobbling.

Hermione looked uncertain. Her face was hard set with concentration and she continued to hold me away from the window.

"To herself definitely. I'm not sure about people who stand in her way."

I suddenly let loose a frustrated scream that made Hermione jump and Ron to scream back. I stomped my foot down on Harry's and he grunted but did not let go. I finally gave up, sinking to the floor with a moan full of despair and anger.

Harry and Hermione knelt beside me, each putting an arm around me. Ron stepped forward hesitantly.

"Should I get Madam Pomfrey?" He asked cautiously.

The next thing I knew I was being led down to the hospital wing. I sat down on one of the beds and stared straight ahead. Ron, Hermione, and Harry exchanged worried looks.

"How did you know where to find me?" I asked in a hollow tone.

Hermione sat next to me. "Cho was worried about you so she came and found us. She said she knew you liked to go up the stairs to the top of the Ravenclaw tower, and that's where we found you."

"Oh" was all I said.

Harry and Ron exchanged a look. I looked down at my fingers, tightly entwined together. I gripped harder watching as my knuckles slowly turned white as the blood was taken from them. After a few seconds they became numb. I released them and my hands were filled with tingling pain as the blood rushed back into my fingers. That was fine with me. The pain in my fingers lessened the pain in my chest.

Hermione must have seen me grimace for she placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Angela, are you alright?" She asked tenderly.

"Of course she's not alright!" Ron cried. "She just tried to kill herself! She's a blithering lunatic!"

Hermione's jaw tightened and she stood quickly. She slapped Ron across the arm. He yelped and grabbed the stinging limb.

"What was that for?" Ron exclaimed.

"She's going through an emotional trauma right now. Couldn't you be the least bit sympathetic?"

"Like how?"

Hermione growled in exasperation but I was tired of listening. I stood and made my way towards the door.

"Wait, Angela!" Harry called.

I ignored him. Before they could catch me, I broke into a run. My bare feet hit the hard ground painfully but I didn't care about that or that I was running through the school in only my nightgown and robe. I reached the Ravenclaw dormitories and threw on my school clothes. Snatching up my wand I tucked it into my cloak. Spinning around quickly, I left the room as fast as I had entered.

If I was going to join Cedric, I was going to have to be more discreet about it. Wait until the opportune moment. I took a deep breath and started down the hallways to my first class after dinner. I didn't speak when I arrived. I simply sat in my seat and listened with an impassive face.

On my way to my next class I heard Cho calling me from behind. I was tempted to keep walking but decided to stop, wanting to at least be nice to Cho before I had to go.

"I'm glad you came to class." Cho said. "Are you feeling any better? Hermione told me you almost fell out of the tower window."

I forced a smile, something I was good at. "I'm much better, thank you."

Cho nodded. She looked over at an abandoned copy of the Daily Prophet and picked it up from its place on a stone bench as we walked by. She flipped through it as we walked.

"Oh no." She said softly.

I whipped my head around to look at her. "What?"

Cho closed the paper quickly. "Nothing. It's nothing."

She tossed the paper into a corner. I went over and scooped it up. Cho made a noise of protest as I opened to where she had been. There was an article by Rita Skeeter. The title was The Truth about Cedric Diggory: The Humble Boy Who Wasn't So Humble.

I felt my blood start to boil before I even started reading. Cho looked at me anxiously as I scanned the article, my face growing redder every second. Apparently some "reliable source" had told Rita about the Quidditch match back in my Fourth year. The one in which Harry had fallen off of his broom because of the Dementors that surrounded the school keeping an eye out for Sirius Black. Only this person had told Rita complete lies.

The article said that Cedric had known Harry had encountered the Dementors and had seized the Snitch while Harry was distracted. It also said that Cedric had seemed humble afterwards and had insisted on a rematch only because he wanted to look good in front of his fans. It also said that he had reveled in his father's praise, appearing modest but his eyes shining brightly in triumph.

Rita proceeded to call Cedric, subtly, a liar and a cheat. Near the end she commented on how she could not understand how mourners could have cried over his death when he had been lying to them all about his real personality. I crumpled the paper into a hard ball. Cho looked at me nervously.

"Angela?"

"Malfoy." I growled through gritted teeth.

"How do you know?"

"I know."

I stormed off to find that slimy, conniving, pathetic, little twerp. He was the only one I knew who would slander Cedric this way to get to me. Well, he had succeeded. I was going to kill him.

Crabbe and Goyle were with him when I found him, but I didn't care. Before he could react, I grabbed Draco by his collar and slammed him against the wall. Whipping out my wand I held it underneath his chin.

"How dare you!" I screamed in his face.

His friends backed off at my fury. I could feel Malfoy shaking underneath me. His eyes wobbled with fear.

"What are you talking about?" He whimpered desperately.

I pressed my wand harder against his throat. "You know perfectly well what. That article Skeeter wrote in the Daily Prophet about Cedric. You were her 'reliable source!'"

Malfoy tried shaking his head but I just pushed him harder against the wall. He winced.

"No! No I wasn't!"

"Don't lie to me!" I screamed angrily at him. "Only you would have told her something as completely untrue as that." I pushed against him harder, jabbing the point of my wand deeper until he winced again. "Cedric was loyal, brave, and true. He had all the qualities you will never have. And he was ten times the wizard you will ever be!" I lowered my voice threateningly, my eyes flashing. "I swear upon my father's grave that if you ever insult Cedric's memory like that again I will kill you and I don't care if I go to Azkaban for it!" I ended in a harsh yell that sent Malfoy quivering.

Suddenly a voice cut through my ravings. "Either you two are about to share a passionate experience, or you're about to kill each other."

"I think she's about to kill him, George."

"True Fred. That is what it looks like. However, with them standing as close as that . . ."

"Do you think we should leave these two to their lover's quarrel?"

"I think it would be best to break it up. Wouldn't want one to be blasted into a million pieces. Very messy, Filch would have our necks."

"Truer words have never been spoken."

I looked to my right to discover that Crabbe and Goyle had disappeared and in their place were Fred and George Weasley. I looked back at Malfoy. His eyes were shut and he was breathing frantically. His whole body was shaking. I realized with horror what I had been about to do. I lowered my wand, my hand trembling.

Stumbling away from Malfoy, I found myself being held upright by Fred while George turned to Draco.

"Is there anything I can do for you, my good man?" He asked.

Malfoy did not answer. He simply turned and fled. Fred and George exchanged a look.

"Must've had something to do." They agreed in unison, shrugging.

I found I was shaking uncontrollably. My breath came in great gasps that spoke of hyperventilation. Fred and George each took a hold of my arms as I started to fall. They held me upright as they led me to the Great Hall.

"Let's get you someplace where you can settle down a bit." Fred said.

I soon found myself sitting in the Great Hall with the Weasley twins on either side of me, sitting at a table and wrapped in a warm blanket, a cup of hot cocoa in my hands. I took only small sips and only when one of the twins pointed to the cup to remind me. I was in a state of shock. I don't remember ever coming that close to killing Draco Malfoy, although I had wanted to, many times. I told the twins so.

"Well," George said. "I can understand that."

"We read that article." Fred commented.

"Terrible reporter that." They said together.

I sniffed. Tears welling up as the thought of Cedric entered my mind. For some reason I felt my plans spilling out of my mouth.

"I was going to kill myself."

The twins looked shocked but kept quiet as they let me continue.

"I can't stand it anymore. I miss Cedric so much. Today was his birthday. I got such a dreadful ache in my chest. I couldn't take it. Your brother, Hermione, and Harry found me ready to jump off the Ravenclaw tower."

Fred and George whistled in awe in unison.

"Blimey." They said.

I nodded. Placing my head in my hands I suddenly started shaking again as giant, silent sobs wracked my body. I felt both boys place a hand on my back as I cried. For a while we just sat there like that. Then I spoke, despairingly, through my tears.

"Cedric didn't deserve to die. It should have been me. He was too good. Too noble to die like that. I'm the bad one; I should have been the one to die."

The twins looked at my quizzically. "But then you'd have had to been in the Tournament."

"Which means you would have had to cheat."

"Which means you couldn't have died because you would have needed to tell us how you had done it."

I cracked a small smile, wiping the tears from my cheeks. "I suppose you're right." I said. "I was being stupid to think that. But it still hurts."

"We know," they said.

"But do you think your Cedric would have wanted to waste your life wishing you could be dead like him?" Fred asked.

"Well, no."

"And do you think that he would have wanted you to die instead of him?" George asked.

"I guess not."

"It's great to mourn him and everything—"

"Must make him feel special somewhat. At least I know I'd want people to be sorry I was gone."

"—But he would have wanted you to live your life to the fullest, even with him gone."

"That was philosophical, Fred."

"Why thank you, George. I do have my moments."

I smiled slightly. "You're right. Both of you. It's just hard."

"Well, we'll be with you all the way." Fred smiled at me.

"And you have Ron, Hermione, Harry, Ginny, and Cho as well." George reminded me.

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, I suppose I do."

"Then it's settled then. You'll start living again and George and I will become philosophers."

I had to laugh as Fred and George struck philosophical poses. They were right. I was being ridiculous and selfish. I had wanted so badly to be with Cedric again I had forgotten that I had other people in my life who would be sad to see me go. I had some apologizing to do. And first on my list were these two knuckle-heads.

"Fred, George. I'd like to apologize for being such a pig-head."

They smiled and shrugged.

"That's okay Angie. We like pig-heads."

"They're our favorite kind." George agreed, nodding sagely.

I laughed and we hugged three way style. Before we pulled completely away I blurted out a question I knew they would think was strange.

"Could I listen you your hearts?"

They looked surprised before shrugging.

"Sure." They said.

I placed my ear on Fred's chest and listened closely. When I heard the steady beat of his heart I smiled. Turning to George I repeated the procedure. When I was done I thanked them again before turning and heading back to find Cho.

When I had found her I hugged her tightly. I told her what I had told Fred and George about the suicide. She gasped but forgave me readily. She even allowed me to hear her heart as well. I asked her where I would find Harry, Hermione, and Ron but she didn't know. I headed towards the Gryffindor side of Hogwarts, hoping to run into them.

I found them in the hallway just in front of the Gryffindor side. They looked surprised and relieved to see me.

"I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. It was stupid of me and I know that now. Would you please forgive me?"

Harry and Hermione nodded instantly.

"Of course," Hermione said.

"Yes of course." Harry said.

They looked at Ron. He shuffled his feet.

"You shouldn't have scared us like that." He muttered.

I nodded gently. "Yes, I know. I really am sorry Ron."

"It won't happen again?"

I held up my right hand. "I promise."

He nodded. "Then I guess I forgive you too."

I smiled happily and hugged them all tightly in a group hug. Then I asked the question.

"Could I listen to your hearts please?"

They exchanged puzzled glances. I felt the need to explain.

"I just had this thing with Cedric. See, he almost died when we were little and I made a point to listen to his heart whenever I could. It was kind of a reassurance that he was alive." I bit my lip nervously. I had never told anyone that before.

Hermione and Harry smiled slightly. Ron looked confused.

"But if he was standing right in front of you, living and breathing, why did you need to check his heartbeat?"

Hermione nudged Ron none too softly. "Just let her do it Ron." She said.

One by one I placed my ear over their hearts and listened to the steady beating. I smiled and straightened.

"Yes, you're alive." I quipped, feeling much better.

"Of course we are," Ron mumbled. "What did you expect?"

I walked back to the Ravenclaw tower, the ache in my chest gone. Although, even as I met Cho for our last class I couldn't shake the feeling that I had one more person to apologize to.

During supper Cho leaned over to me. "Angela, I have something important to tell you."

"What?"

"Draco wasn't the one who told Rita Skeeter those lies. She made those up herself. I asked some Hufflepuffs about it and they told me that some kids on their Quidditch team were talking recently about that Quidditch match Harry almost died and they were complaining about how Cedric wanted to give the game to the Gryffindors and how he must have just wanted to be nice. Then that Smith boy heard something outside and when he opened the door he saw Rita walking quickly down the hall away from them. So it wasn't Draco."

My mouth dropped slightly. Covering my face with my hands I moaned softly. Now I would have to apologize to Malfoy as well. I bit my lip. I didn't want to, but I knew I must if I was to clear my conscience. I mean, I had basically almost killed him. I sighed.

"Tell me to apologize to him."

Cho looked confused. "Why?"

"Because, if you don't tell me to I'll convince myself not to."

She glanced at the Slytherin table. "Apologize to him."

I scrunched up my nose in thought. "Be specific, my brain will find a loophole."

Cho laughed slightly. "Apologize to Draco Malfoy for whatever it is you did to him."

I growled. "Fine. I will." I paused. "Tomorrow."

"Apologize to Draco Malfoy for whatever it is you did to him today."

I sighed dramatically but gave her a smile. "Thanks."

She smiled back. "Now eat."

I hadn't eaten all day, but finally the food in front of me looked appetizing. I dug in with gusto.

When we were finished, I took a deep breath and approached Draco. He looked at me apprehensively, hiding slightly behind Crabbe. I was surprised. Had I really frightened him that badly? I bit my lip slightly.

"Malfoy, I need to talk to you."

"Oh yeah?" He asked, trying to sound intimidating from behind Crabbe.

"Yes. And in private." I looked at him sternly.

He gulped, moving slowly from behind his chubby friend. I grabbed his wrist and before he could protest, had dragged him across the room. I pressed myself against the wall and pulled Malfoy next to me. I must have had him scared pretty bad because he did not move. I waited until everyone had left the Great Hall. Then I let go of Malfoy and turned to him.

"Listen Malfoy, because this will probably be the last time you hear this. I'm sorry for threatening you about the article. I found out that you had nothing to do with it. So . . . I apologize." I winced slightly, wondering how he would respond.

Very slowly a smirk started to form. "You're apologizing to me? I never thought I'd see the day."

I gritted my teeth together in a tight smile. "You'll never see it again, I promise you."

"Are we done?" He asked.

I blinked, surprised. "I guess so."

"Good." He moved towards the door.

I chewed on my lip for a moment. There was a choice in front of me. If I decided to go through with it, I would be admitting that Malfoy was my friend. However if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to get out of my mind what would have happened if I did. Draco was halfway to the door. I called out quickly.

"Draco!"

He froze. I realized that was the first time I had called him by his first name to his face. He turned, his expression quizzical.

"What?" He said, irritably.

I stepped forward hesitantly. "Could I—I mean, would you mind if I . . . listened to your heartbeat?"

He was struck dumb for a moment. After a few moments he asked, "Why?"

I bit my lip. "It was something I used to do with Cedric. Listen to his heartbeat. He almost died when we were little, and so I just liked to reassure myself that he was truly alive and well."

Malfoy smirked slightly, his eyebrow raised. "You don't think I'm alive?"

I shook my head, a hot flush rising to my cheeks. I shouldn't have said anything. I turned away quickly, waiting for him to leave so that I could. I didn't hear any retreating footsteps. In fact the footsteps I heared seemed to be getting closer. I turned slowly. I found myself nose to chin with Malfoy. I looked up at him. He didn't say anything. He simply took my head in his hands and pressed it down to his chest, right above his heart.

I was too surprised to say anything. One reason was because he was actually consenting, and the other was because instead of a slow, steady beat like all the others had been, I heard a fast, quick beat. What was he nervous about?

"You hear it?" He asked gruffly.

"Yes." I whispered, too shocked to say much else.

"Good. Now we're done." He let go of my head and turned away.

I watched his back as he left the Great Hall. I touched my flushed cheek lightly. My other hand moved to above my heart. It was beating as rapidly as Malfoy's had been. My hand moved from my heart to my locket. I gripped it tightly.

"Cedric," I said softly in the empty Hall. "I still miss you. But I think . . . I think I'm going to be alright. It's alright. Oh, and happy birthday."