Bureaucrat Naruto
It was a standoff when Naruto ran into the scene. Tsunade was down, Shizune trying to get her up. Jiraiya was facing Orochimaru and Kabuto.
Naruto skid to a stop, straightened up and pulled out a sheaf of papers.
Orochimaru, seeing this, couldn't help but think "Great, another idiot trying to issue an arrest/execution warrant."
Naruto began to read
"*cough* Orochimaru of the Sannin. By the power invested in me by the full council of Konoha-Gakure no Sato you are hereby requested to accept the post of fifth Hokage."
No one said a word. This had to be some poorly thought out distraction. Right?
"Naruto! What do you think you are doing?" Jiraiya yelled, but Naruto just ignored him.
"Kabuto Yakushi, please take these documents to Orochimaru-Sama."
Kabuto suspected an ambush, he was a shinobi, but he figured that between his healing and how bad Naruto's skills were, he wasn't at much risk. Retrieving the papers, he leaved through them, checking for seals, before passing them to Orochimaru.
When Orochimaru read them his eyes went large. They were authentic, the stamps and signatures were all there, all the authorizations needed for him to become Hokage. This didn't make any sense; he needed to get to the bottom of this.
"Why would the council want me back? Why would they want to appoint me Hokage?"
"Yeah! No, wait. I mean; they gave us orders to retrieve Tsunade. How can those be real documents if we were sent for her?"
Naruto started by pointing at Jiraiya
"When the Third died he sealed off Orochimaru-Sama's arms. It was no great leap to determine where he would go for help. Then we needed a way to approach him without any of our enemies or allies finding out about this. Or enemies would try to sabotage the recruitment of a new Hokage and our allies would be… confused as to our choice." Then pointing at Orochimaru
"Right now the village needs a strong Hokage, the council arranged a list of everyone who was a viable candidate, your name was at the top. As a shinobi you have a long reputation of course. You have also been the Otokage, creating a viable village from scratch. However, what really convinced the council was the invasion of Konoha."
Everyone looked startled at that. Convinced to make the man who had invaded you, your leader because he attacked? That makes no sense.
"When we looked at the evidence we discovered that you are tactical genius. First, you are the first person to bring their army within the walls of Konoha. Second, you are the first person to successfully bring an enemy bijuu into the walls of a village. Third, you are the first person to have assassinated a kage inside their own village."
The three Sannin stared off into space for a moment tallying it up in their heads. Hashirama died of his wounds years after the fight with Madara, Tobirama was killed by Ginkaku Kinkaku brothers, Namikaze technically commited suicide, the Raikage are all from the same family with the hat passing peacefully, the first kages of the other three villages retired, the second mizukage and tsuchikage killed each other in battle, and the last two kazekage were assassinated outside of their villages. Yup, only Sarutobi had been killed inside his own village.
"Additionally, the council reviewed the evidence and have determined that you do not hate Konoha."
"He attacked Konoha! How can you say he doesn't hate it?"
"During the invasion there were almost no deaths among foreign delegates and civilians. Almost all the destruction was done to peripheral buildings, and almost all deaths happened when konoha shinobi engaged in battle with the invaders. It was only possible to be so prepared because Orochimaru-Sama revealed his presence and intentions during the Chunin exam's second portion. As if he was warning us. In point of fact, the entire tactical setup for the invasion was a stalling maneuver to keep people away from his fight with the Third. In the end it was an elaborate distraction for a successful assassination. The elders also theorize that the majority of Orchimaru-Sama's anger was directly due to being passed over for position of Fourth, with both the Third and Fourth dead that anger should mostly have evaporated, allowing for his original ambition to be realized."
Tsunade spoke up for the first time
"Why am I not at the head of this list?"
"The council was worried about remunerations for personal debt flowing through the office of the Hokage. That and the fact that you have only raw strength and your medical skills, means that you are not a powerful fighter."
"So who's only this list then?"
"In order. Orochimaru, Shikaku Nara, Hiashi Hyuuga, Danzo Shimura, Inoichi Yamanaka, Tsume Inuzuka, Shibi Aburame, Might Guy, Me, Tenzo, Itachi Uchiha, Kakashi Hatake, Tsunade Senju. After you are many others. "
"I'm 13th on the list?! And what about those last four, why are they not ahead of the council members?"
"Despite what you might think, it is not because the council made the list. Kakashi is too lazy to be a real candidate, Itachi is too pacifistic to deal with shinobi politics, Tenzo is only on the list because of his mokuton, and I am only on the list because I have the Kyuubi and will probably be the one who does all the actual work in the end anyway."
"What do you mean, you'll be doing the Hokage's job anyway. And what was that about mokuton?"
"I am the Permanent Private Secretary to the Hokage. It is the highest post in the Konoha Civil Service. Tenzo has wood release due to experiments done on him by Orochimaru-Sama in his childhood."
Here Orochimaru looked up
"I was kicked out for my inhumane experiments. I won't come back if I can't continue to learn."
"That won't be a problem, we'll just get your test subjects from the POW prison or the slavers. As for your ambitions, I believe we have a leg up on you there."
Orochimaru quirked an eyebrow
"Oh?"
"What did you think we did with all those dead Uchiha? We burned them, but not before extracting all the viable eggs and sperm from their corpses. Then we genetically sequenced them and created tens of thousands of zygotes who have a genetic certainty of being able to product the sharingan. Additionally we are confident that if you place a variation of a curse seal on one of these fetuses then you can overcome the 'soul rejection' you have been encountering with your current bodies."
Tsunade looked horrified, here was a prepubescent genin (at least she though he was a genin, but that was probably all a lie) talking casually about some of the sickest medical practices she could imagine.
Orochimaru on the other hand was salivating. This was his ticket, he could live forever as Hokage and have the sharingan the whole time.
"What's the catch?"
"There are some concessions that the council wishes for you to make."
"Go on."
"First, the land of Sound is to become a satellite state, this will give Konoha cheaper trade with Snow and help disrupt travel between Cloud and Stone. Second, when you return we will state that you were on a long term covert mission that required you act as a nukenin, an essential part of this plan is that you publically demonstrate ties with Anko Mitarashi."
"Anko-chan? She'd never go for that, she wants to kill me."
"Yes. After you originally left she gained a bad reputation in the village because of her association with you, that reputation has since taken a life of its own. If you were to return as a hero, then her reputation would still not change, so by re-associating with her you protect yourself, since she is one of the few that might be able to threaten you position as Hokage, and you raise her reputation at the same time."
AN: If this every got fleshed out it would have to read like an office/political comedy. I was imagining 'Yes Minister' when I came up with this.
I do think that Orochimaru gets underestimated as a Kage. But most of this fic was to showcase some ideas that I think are important, but neglected, points in Naruto fandom.
Like, why is Sakuke so important when they could have done what I suggested and created a hundred generations of sharingan wielders from the bodies of the dead? Why did Orochimaru show himself during the Chunin exams? What would happen to Anko if Orochimaru came back a good guy?