A/N: I was in a bright mood yesterday (surprisingly, since i just read 'Cut') so I actually had in mind the idea to make a comedy. Of sorts. It will be a franticship, my second favorite ship, when the two are young/not-so-young so they won't be as frantic. But in any case, it'll be crazy. I promise.
Also, I don't own Pokemon
1. Irons and Pearls
Ruby had decided that today was the day to propose to Sapphire.
No, scratch that: It had to be the day.
If he didn't do it today, he would have spent thousands of pokedollars he took, or 'earned', from battling little children off of Slateport for nothing. The pain and agony Ruby went through to get those funds… He didn't want to disclose how much time he spent on this, nor how much time he spent just thinking about this, but it was enough so that he had to start a bank account instead of lugging it around in his fifty ton bag every day. Hawthorne once said love weighed more than a heart. "Yeah," Ruby replied. "No kidding." Most of the trainers in the area didn't carry around bills, only grubby fistfuls of pocket change.
But, Ruby wasn't the kind to vent out his anger. Besides, why ruin a perfectly good moment? He could have imagined it then.
It would all go according to plan, it was the perfect time—right before sunset—at the perfect location—all the way out in the middle of the ocean. When they'd go out on the deck to have their candlelight dinner, he'd say to Sapphire that the smooth waves of the sea reminded him of her eyes. And she'd blush. Blush a lovely red hue of a rose. And, as if he'd thought of it just then, he'd tell her that too. She'd blush some more. Then he'd lean in for a light kiss—nothing new—and bring out the case. Her eyes would sparkle like newly polished diamonds on the case, anticipating it. After some sort of warning, he'd open it and pop the question: "Will you marry me?"
God, everything was perfect, Ruby thought. All he needed to do was stop squealing and daydreaming like an excited fangirl. But Pearl would soon fix that.
"Ships ahoy! Move it, move it, move it, move it!" shouted Pearl from the deck. Ruby panicked. Before he could do anything, the boat made a giant swerve, depositing him, and most of his items, off the desk and onto the floor. The closet made an unnerving shake and creaked its doors open enough to spill Ruby's priceless suit off its hanger.
"Mission success!" Pearl had, for a third time, managed to avoid straggling ships in the way and simultaneously ruin Ruby's neat piles of accessories.
If it wasn't noticeable: Yes, Pearl was the boat's captain. Ruby, Sapphire, and a few other passengers had willingly gone on his boat to go on a romantic boat cruise. It was a 'perfect evening for two'.
'A perfect evening for two', Ruby mocked, dragging his head out of the trashcan. He beheld the clutter of unused potions and berries lying at his feet. When was the last time he even used that garbage? Back when he was still a trainer? At any rate, if Pearl did another supposed 'naval technique', Ruby swore, he would start gluing his stuff on the floor.
He had little time to elaborate on that before he noticed a crumpled suit. His crumpled suit. The Bulbasaur-shaped hanger in the closet, despite how friendly it looked, was the culprit. It seemed to crawl back in fear as Ruby began cursing Pearl, all the while staring at the disgrace of a suit.
A wrinkled suit? Ruby the fashion prince wearing a wrinkled suit? No, no, no, no, no. This was a disaster. How could Sapphire even consider looking at Ruby if he had creases on that piece of money? While picking up his things off the floor, Ruby searched for a convenient iron that he might just have accidentally brought with him.
To no avail. There was no iron. And ultimately, in his mind, no marrying Sapphire. Reluctantly, he knew he'd had to ask someone for help.
Ruby wasn't an idiot. He had gambled before and knew what the odds were of finding someone with an iron out in the middle of the sea—metaphorically, of course; he wouldn't actually bet money on that sort of thing. Anyways, the odds were low. Depressingly low.
Nevertheless, he took a stab that out of the half dozen passengers on the boat, somebody had to have an iron. And if there wasn't a guy with an iron, there would at least be a guy with a fresh suit.
Yes, Ruby was an optimist. But he was a special kind of optimist. A hopelessly-in-love protagonist. For whatever reason, the gods were on his side, whether it was if the bathroom stall ran out of toilet paper or if he was battling some insane legendary Pokemon.
Motivated, he went over the passengers he'd talked to today. Taking a look back he could identify one possible target: Pearl's curious little helper. He often saw the small, feminine black-haired male cooking, cleaning, and washing for the slob, always with a set of cleaning supplies. It was worth a shot, Ruby thought, and the guy would just be in the kitchen.
Outside, the sun was already more than three-fourths its way down the sky. There was no time for getting ready, he needed the iron now.
He abandoned his small room and entered the even more cramped hallway. One of the other passengers of the boat stood in the hallway, waiting for the restroom stall to open. The man wore a red hat and had short, black hair, though Ruby couldn't discern his face from where he was.
Realizing the predicament, Ruby cursed his luck. The boat's peculiar design made it so that not only did you have to go past the restroom to get to the kitchen but there also wasn't enough space to pass by people. It was a recent, avant-garde design that was built to hinder movement, not facilitate.
Damn it, he thought, but then again, maybe that guy in the hallway could help. Hoping for a miracle, he squirmed to the back and tapped the man's shoulder.
"Ummm… Hey, I know this is kind of an awkward position but do you have an iron?"
The man stared at Ruby. Immediately, he started regretting his haste. Both of them had an approximate understanding of how crazy Ruby was for asking a stranger if he had a cleaning device on hand. The fact that it was nearing dusk and they were out on a boat didn't help. Needless to say, they exchanged no words.
Before Ruby began to apologize and instead try to get past him, the guy nodded his head.
Standing mid-flight, Ruby questioned himself whether the man really said yes to his ridiculous request. "So … you do have an iron?"
The man, less hesitant, nodded again. He pointed at the restroom.
Amazed, Ruby studied the spot on the door he pointed at. Could all of his problems been fixed just like that? Of course not. After a few seconds, Ruby, disappointed, found no iron from studying the spot.
The man sighed at Ruby. He then knocked on the door. "Done yet Blue?" he asked casually.
"Ummm… Hmmm… Let me check," said a girl, Blue, on the other side. A gurgling sound erupted from behind the door. "Oh God, it's worse than I thought."
Suddenly, the door popped open, hitting the black-haired man's forehead. The man groaned, moving back for the door to swing out.
"Oh, sorry Red." Blue came out of the restroom cradling a parcel and turned to face Red, her long, brown hair gently swiping Ruby's face.
"Oh, sorry…" She quickly turned back to face Ruby as Red, too, got hit with the hair, that one ending up blinding him.
"Gah." Red tried to move further back but ended up backing into the chef exiting the kitchen. Surprise, surprise: it was Pearl's little helper. The boy barely stopped himself from hitting Red, a stroke of luck because then he'd have to make the food all over again. But the boy, who recently convinced Pearl to install an impossibly-narrow set of double kitchen doors, got hit once more from the door's backlash, dragging him, and Red, down.
His tray with steaming plates of pasta, unfortunately, didn't and instead got flung mid-fall, headed towards Blue.
It was the typical trip-and-throw-a-mess-at-the-girl-in-front-of-you thing but instead, Blue immediately sensed the platter, turned around, and caught it. Sadly, it wasn't as simple as that. Behind her, Ruby closed his eyes as he noticed the parcel Blue dropped to catch the food was not a purse but an iron. A sickening crunch sounded in the hall.
"Oh fuck." Ruby collapsed to the ground, cursing heavily and blocking the passage. At least he got the iron, he thought, or would have thought if he wasn't in so much pain.
As soon as the dust settled, the reluctant black-haired chef on the other side started lecturing Red on boat safety, with Red panting slowly and eyes staring vacantly. Every word from the chef gave Red more incentive to throw up in his face.
In the middle of all this, Blue stood perfectly still with a platter stacked with two plates of pasta, ready for a special romantic dinner that would go on in ten minutes. An unknowing Ruby writhed at her feet from a broken foot. Not quite understanding what happened, she instinctively started lifting him up in one hand. Although grunting in dissatisfaction, Ruby complied, only to be scared stiff as Pearl screamed from above deck.
"Giant mammal ahoy! Move it, move it, move it!" The boat swerved and along with it, the iron on Ruby's foot.
"Ack." Ruby sputtered, in Blue's arms. Quickly the hall darkened and he collapsed again. His mind numbed as the last thing he remembered were stars, irons, and chibi-Sapphires spinning around in his head. Oh, and a loud Pearl screaming outside about a giant whale. How could he forget that?
*goes unconscious
^^ In case you didn't get that.
Anyways, if you got to this point: Congrats! You just got through the first chapter!
I can't assure you if I'll update this regularly (my mind usually just flits from one story to another) but it is going somewhere so I'll probably keep it around for its hilarity. I'm a bit iffy about the narration-it seems too...I don't know...rambling?-but the plot has plenty of 'adventure' written all over it for me to continue.