"I will pursue this dream, 'cause I know it's expected

that I be serene

Upon this winding road, in the face of the crowds that bustle all around

Although it seems like I am chasing after the past, what I want is place where the sky is alive and like home to me

Please try to understand the truth

That this is no choice

And I wish you'd stop with that look

Of despair

You're giving me"

She'd never really blamed him. Even if this was the 22nd century, it was still unthinkable of someone to return from the dead. It was unrealistic. Fiction. Sometimes she herself didn't believe she was alive.

It didn't stop the sensation of her heart slowly being crushed inside her chest, when he looked at her like that. She'd hurt him. It had not been intentional, but she'd hurt him. He had drawn the walls around himself up again which she had crushed years ago.

It wasn't just the pain of a broken heart.

This was guilt, at it's worst.

When she told him, that it hadn't been her choice, she'd been trying to convince herself. Not him.

"Tears are nothing but the shape of our own weakness

And they won't bring any absolution

I do not see an end to this labyrinth

Who am I waiting for-"

"Joker, get us out of here. I've had enough of this colony." She had never been more glad that her crew couldn't see her. She wasn't crying. Yeah, right, 2-... no, 31 years old, and crying over a break up in her line of work? She would've long since killed herself if she could be affected that much by this. But her crew knew her well.

If they could've seen her blank expression, the complete lack of any emotion, as her gaze had been directed at the figure leaving this place, but not really seeing him, they'd have known she'd not been okay. "Let's go."

Her voice had been so wonderfully neutral, it had bordered on blasphemy how proud she'd been of herself.

"And

I write it down in the pages of my notebook

'Cause I'm looking for the me that is still honest

I am running but I don't even know why

From this reality"

"Look around this ship, Tali. Does it look like they're in charge?"

"So you're the one who planted the surveillance cameras?"

She'd winced at that. Who was she kidding?

"I don't care what you did, or what you say, I'm NOT working with terrorists."

She'd said that once. She'd been all talk.

"To chase my wishes I'll carry on living

And I will always remember the depths of the darkness

I'll face my demons and I'll no longer run away

There isn't a place to go

I'll lose this feeling of being so helpless

'Cause my whole life is ahead of me

I'll quash the numbness

'Cause pain's better than the emptiness"

" I'm not looking for your approval. You're on my team now. From now on, I'll do things my way.

Joker. Cut this channel."

The grin on her face had felt real. She had felt alive. Her heart had been beating with the slowly subsiding adrenaline of both battle and victory, but also with an emotion she had not felt for an eternity.

Hope.

Content with herself.

The absolute knowledge she'd done the right thing. She had forgotten how it felt. To know right from wrong.

Her hands had wandered over her now completely healed features and she'd used all her energy not to jump in joy.

"Happy with yourself, Commander?", Jokers voice chimed in over the comm.

"Joker, you have now idea. This is better than sex."

"I must apologize, I've really messed up and

I am so ashamed

I may not say it much,

But I know that I make you worry all the time"

"I'm sorry." Kaidan blinked, though his gaze was locked on the road before them. Shepard's hands were cuffed before her, and still it had not been enough to beat her natural soldier pride out of her. She had her chin notched high when she said these words.

Everyone else would have thought she was mocking him. He knew her too well to believe that.

"Excuse me?" He could have bitten himself for how strained his voice sounded even to him, and for a moment he thought he'd just seen her wince, but it had probably been just his imagination.

The shuttle chose to swing left under Kaidan's ministrations. Closer to the cell block that would bee Shepard's home for possibly months to come, while her trial was prepared. Not that it would matter. There was only one possible outcome for a mass murderer trial.

It hurt to even think about her that way.

"I'm sorry I'm dragging you into this. We both know the council chose you as liaison based on our former relationship. I didn't want to hurt you further."

The neutrality with which the statement was uttered, especially the "former" part, made Kaidan's heart ache.

"I'm not hurting."

The lie was obvious even to himself. But he had too keep up his defence. If he'd let her in again, she would destroy him.

"Then I'm glad.", she replied.

What point was there in lying when they both knew they were?

"Back then you always could accept the things I'd done

And you're still the same today so I'll try not to burden you

But try to realize that I have closed my eyes

Just because the world is too harsh

And I'm willing to blind myself"

"Welcome to your new home."

"Cozy. Can I have hamster?"

She grinned at him and waggled her eyebrows. A defensive move. He'd noticed. "What?", he asked, baffled.

"Nevermind." She chuckled, seated herself on the extremely uncomfortable looking bed. She looked up to him, still smiling. "Soo, when's the big day?"

"They'll need time to prepare this. You know the drill."

"Sure, they can take their time with political B.S. Not like I have anything better to do." She scoffed. Like saving the galaxy, she added in her thoughts.

"You're not the only one who kept the Reaper threat in mind."

Her heart jumped at that. He'd been fighting the same fight, hadn't he? All this time. For what they'd seen, experienced, lived. For you, her traitorous mind added.

He was a love struck fool for you, and you know this, stop denying it.

Oh, how she hated herself for the pain she'd caused him.

"Hackett and Anderson have your back." It still won't save you, he added in his thoughts.

"Rumors that they have spread about us

I do not know which was the first one

"We were friends from the second that we met,"

Just stop with the lies already

And my heart turned red with this passion

And it almost devoured my whole being

'Cause in truth I'd held onto hope

From this reality"

This is what fraternization regs are for, you dipshit, she told herself, after he'd left.

There were rules in the Alliance Military Doctrine that were just bullshit.

The fraternization reg was not one of them.

She should have known. She'd experienced first hand what it meant to loose your friends. Your family. She hadn't thought it would have been better with a paramour.

It hadn't kept her from growing comfortable around him. His calm, his smile... he'd drawn her to him like a moth to a flame. This was merely the part where she burned.

This is the penalty for what you have done to him. This is nothing compared to what he has felt! You should be crawling on the floor and cringing!

She curled up in a fetal position. She would be punished for this. Not only for the 300.000 people she'd murdered.

This was the courts martial she'd long since awaited.

"To chase my wishes I'll carry on living

And I really want to scream out, but can you even hear me?

I'll face my demons, and I'll no longer run away

There isn't a place to go

I still am grateful for the care you've shown me

So I'll find the strength to make it count

I'll always move onward

Facing my friends and foes alike"

"Commander, seriously, this is bullshit! They wanna put you on trial? For what, saving their asses? The second time?" Joker had been pissed. She vaguely had known why. He'd seen his commander die a martyr once, he probably hadn't been eager to witness it a second time.

"I have wiped out a star system. That doesn't spell 'saving' to them." Neither had it sounded like that to herself. Fuck.

"You killed a couple thousand people, yes, but you saved trillions! You know this." Miranda had been significantly less freaked out. Not happy either, but still. There had been concern on her face, when Shepard, voice unwavering, had spoken up over the comm.

"Alliance command? This is SSV Normandy SR2. We accept your orders for lockdown on earth. We will surrender our weapons upon arrival. I will come with you...

... under condition that my crew is off the hook. Aratoht was a Solo mission, I hope you can understand this."

It had been a wonder, but Hackett had accepted. And another smile had appeared on her face.

The right thing. It was a blessing to know it had been done.

Especially after you turned into a mass murderer because you had no other fucking choice.

"How do you unlock this door that has no key?

Can you think of a way?"

"Leave us alone."

"B-but sir, we have explicit orders to-"

"Spectre authority supersedes alliance command in this case. You are relieved of your post. Dismissed."

Neither the muffled voices she'd heard nor the swish of the opening doors caused her to move. She lay still, her back to the entrance. Maybe he'd just think she was asleep and would leave...

She knew him too well.

"I brought you some food."

She stopped fiddling with her dog tags and rose up into a sitting position, turning around to meet his eyes. She had already been in here several months. Her hair had grown over her shoulders and covered a good portion of her face.

With a blank expression she looked at the food tray he held in his hands, then her gaze travelled up to his face again and his smile let her heart surge with pain.

"Come on, you gotta be hungry."

She countered with a smile of her own. She assumed it looked creepy, it certainly felt like that. Like it was just a trained movement of her cheeks' muscles.

Shepard grabbed one of the bread rolls and nibbled at it. Then a thought occurred to her, while he watched her.

"Why come yourself? It's usually one of the guards."

"I had intended to come by more often... but apparently someone decided I'll take care of all the paperwork concerning you and your charges."

He looked almost guilt ridden. Shepard bit the bread roll so hard her teeth clacked when they met in the middle.

"I felt like... we had to talk."

Her still cuffed hands let go of the food and she rose to stand before him. He was taller than her, naturally, even more so in his armored boots.

"We can't go back to the beginning

The story's begun, and the future awaits

Open up your eyes

Open up your eyes"

She blinked at this statement. Briefly. "Do you really think words can clear the air between us?"

He sighed. "No but-" Kaidan stared at her and she saw the same desperation in his face as she had on Horizon.

He took that last step to close the distance between them, and leaned in for a kiss.

"I'll lose this feeling of being so helpless

'Cause my whole life is ahead of me

And the things I once abandoned

I want to try and find again"

"This is a good crew! The finest I've served with. I don't wanna mess it up."

The last syllable of his sentence, uttered in something that vaguely resembled desperation had been cut off as Shepard had pressed her hand on his lips, withdrew then and replaced her hand with her lips.

"Come on, just one more time"

Her cuffed hands reached for his lips before he reached her. He looked at her, puzzled. "No", she said, and for the first time there was emotion in her voice and her heart.

Not desperation. Not hate. Not racing heart.

Hope.

Content with herself.

The absolute knowledge she'd done the right thing. She had forgotten how it felt. To know right from wrong.

"I fucked up your life once, Kaidan. Please don't give me a chance to do this a second time."

Her voice was soft. But sure, steady, unwavering.

She knew she did the right thing as she watched the doors shutting behind him.

"To chase my wishes I'll carry on living

And I really want to scream out, but can you even hear me?

I'll face my demons, and I'll no longer run away

There isn't a place to go

I still am grateful for the care you've shown me

So I'll find the strength to make it count

I'll quash the numbness

'Cause pain's better than the emptiness"