Short, sweet, oneshot crack fic! Set when Alex is staying with the pleasures for Christmas. The wonders of listening to a 8bit remix of the bond theme…
Alex and Sabina sat in a cosy coffee shop. It was fairly small due to the secluded setting but very busy because of the cold weather . Alex and Sabina had opted to having a wander around the village near the Plesasure's cottage over going on a walk with Mr and Mrs Pleasure. After going into three consecutive tourist- shortbread themed shops they decided to call it a day and pack into the little tea shop.
Alex was pretty happy. He zoned out from Sabina's voice and simply stared and soaked up the simplicity of the moment. No weird MI6 stuff. No annoying loud noises. No threat to his blood pressure.
Then, in a micro second, Alex's world changed. Not forever. Just for about an hour and a half, but boy did that hour and a half go slowly.
On the table beside them, a large old Scotsman and his wife sat with about ten different bags around them. A moment previously, he had been busy gobbling down a bacon sarnie with a vacant expression on his face while his wife rambled on about something concerning a tea kettle, a coconut and her neighbour's cat's tea party.
It was from this table that a loud ring tone of an 8-bit remix to the James bond theme blasted from. Immediately, both Alex and Sabina's butt cheeks clenched together.
"Argh, where's the damn thing…" grumbled the man loudly throwing his sandwich down and wiping his greasy hands on his shirt.
Alex's lips pursed.
"Why d'you even have that as your ringtone?" sighed his wife, obviously very put out that her story had been interrupted right when she had gone into the details of opening a coconut with sandpaper and a croquet mallet.
"It were Cullum… stupid boy…." The man grumbled as he looked through some of the plastic bags.
Alex breathed out. Verrrrrry slowly. Sabina swallowed.
Alex could clearly see the phone on the spare seat next to the man. It must have slipped out of his pocket while he was inhaling that sandwich.
Meanwhile, at the table behind them someone began humming along to the theme tune, which had entered the second "duh-dah!-duh-dah!" phase. Sabina, with desperately watering eyes started to cough to try and mask the sound of the humming.
"Here let me empty this bag" grunted the man, depositing a number of elephant-sized blouses on the spare seat and table. Some fell on the phone, covering it from sight but most definitely not from sound.
Alex wound his arms around himself and bit his lip. His body was shaking and made the table tremor too. Sabina's skin went down a couple shades to the colour of the cloudy overcast sky. She coughed even more violently and loudly.
"Are you alright, love?" asked a waiter, who was passing by with a tray of cream pies and a jug of water.
Sabina (quite red by now) merely nodded desperately looking between Alex and the other man.
"I swear I cann'e find it…" said the man, scratching his head hopelessly.
"Shouldn't it have gone to voicemail by now?" hissed Alex in a very controlled voice through clenched teeth. Sabina continued to cough, but the man behind them was now fully engrossed in his humming. It was as if he thought he was at some sort of humming concert and was performing to a sea of humming critics trying to win the acceptance of the humming community.
To counter this, Sabina began to mix in some chocking noises which made the waiter even more concerned. He began thumping her on the back, but kept the tray perfectly balanced in one hand.
"I think its under your shopping" whispered Alex, turning his head as though it were being possessed.
"Yeh what?" grunted the man
"..." Alex spat out. The mans wife scowled at the tone, but the man looked on the seat. Unfortunately, as he scooped of the blouses, he also scooped of the phone.
It was at this precise moment that the tray of cream cakes went flying from the waiter's hand as he abandoned all hope of retaining his salary and performed the Heimlich manauver on Sabina. The three cakes landed on the man's wife- one slap bang on her face and the other two on her chest making her look like Katy Perry. The jug of water completely doused the humming man, damning his dream of Broadway humming stardom.
Alex screamed and lunged forward to catch the phone, which was still happily buzzing away the James bond theme (really, why hadn't it gone to voicemail?) and threw it on the ground and stamped on it. Miraculously it still buzzed on, despite being half destroyed. He let out a feral cry somewhere between utter lunacy and depression. He picked it up and slammed it into the wife's tea cup where it bubbled and defiantly played on, albeit slightly unclearly.
Alex screamed again and grabbed a knife from a spare table and stabbed it, then slammed it into a wall, grabbed a lighter, (from where, nobody knew) set fire to it and threw the now silent piece of tech out of the window.
The whole coffee shop stood completely still in mutual shock from the soaked hummer, Sabina who hung loosely in the waiter's arms, the wife with the cream pies slowly sliding down her front and the scots man. All stared gobsmacked at Alex whose chest was heaving . He let out a sigh of relief and relaxed his shoulders.
Then, from across the room came the tone-
!
"SON OF A-"
Alex then proceeded to turn into the hulk and smash the phone back and forth like he did Locki. The end.
INFO FOR PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT OTHER CRAP LIKE THIS Yeah, sorry for abandoning fanfic for half a decade. But I swear, the plot bunnies live on, as all bunnies do over time! They may be old nad have little bunny hearing aids and wheelchairs but they still live! And they're getting the elixir of life sometime in late July when my exams finish and there's three months of bliss… BD