He stared at the humans, all lying in pools of their own blood. A choked sound escaped him. "A-all of them…"his thoughts raced faster than he could keep up, and the burning feeling in him identified itself as guilt, remorse, self-loathing…
He stood in the empty city building, unable to proclaim himself better than his father. He didn't understand "I wanted to help, I wanted to fix you…fix you, and me, and everything…" He braced himself on the table, watching the blood drip off his face. The sound of footsteps found his ears. Spinning around, he gasped out his own surprise. There stood Balthazar, looking just as he had the day he'd died. Been killed.
"How's the new job, darling?" The angel asked, eyeing the blood covering the being who once had been his partner.
"Y-you," Castiel stuttered out. "You're dead. I killed you, how can you be here?" The room seemed to shrink as the distance between them closed, and familiar arms wrapped around him. God was stiff with suspicion and shame glued his eyes to the ground, unable to meet the gaze of the man he had stabbed in the back.
"Well, you are god now, right? I daresay you have the power necessary for a few hallucinations." Balthazar sounded warm. Comforting. At the revelation, Castiel felt simultaneously relieved, disappointed, and ashamed for feeling both of these things.
"Please don't be kind to me." Castiel tried to pull away from his brother's embrace. "I have sinned. I have sinned more than I ever thought possible. I don't deserve anyone's kindness, least of all yours." His voice broke. Balthazar shook his head, giving his living counterpart a tiny smile.
"You can fix those things. The mud fish will help you, much as it pains me to say." Castiel nearly choked at the realism of this…hallucination. At the same time, he heard Sam's voice of prayer in his head. I still think you're one of us, Cas…
"I don't understand. How am I hallucinating? I have never heard of it in any celestial being…" Worry crept into his tone, even as he mentally accepted that this was his penance, seeing his lover whom he had murdered. He thought it was not near enough to what he deserved.
"Well, normally that's true, love." Balthazar said coolly. "But, I'm right here with you, aren't I?" His tone grew darker at the end. Castiel blinked confusion.
"How can you be with me?" He demanded.
"Cassie, where do you think angels go when they die?" Castiel staggered back, Balthazar finally released him from his grasp.
"No, no please let that be a lie…please, I don't-I can't…" Balthazar stepped forward, no longer with the caring face of a lover and now with the aggressive smirk of…Castiel didn't know what.
"Well, you swallowed me, didn't you, Cassie? And not in the sexy way, I'm afraid." The admission timed up with a shove from the things inside his abdomen. Castiel fell to his knees, and screamed. Not-Balthazar laughed loudly. "You swallowed all of us, darling! We're all in you right now!"
"No, no, please no!" Castiel screamed out as the hands and fists pressed in his stomach. In his mind, Balthazar was joined by Gabriel, Uriel, Anna, Rachel…all howling triumphantly as their shield-brother writhed in a pool of human blood.
Later, Castiel awoke a second time, and knew he had to return to the laboratory, and the Winchesters. The tears had cleared paths through the blood on his face, and stung the bubbled flesh eating up Jimmy Novak's face. He wishes the tear tracks hurt more, wishes they would burn away his vessel and consume him, as some small retribution for all the atrocities he had committed.
He holds back the sob he wants to release. He knows he must be strong now, must be strong in order to face the task he must perform. He drags himself to his feet, and masks how heinous he feels. He has to go, to face his debt. The debt that has been chasing him sense he first left heaven.
A/N: I don't know if angels actually go to purgatory or not. #sorry. Please review or favorite or something.