The Bench of Evil
By Hikami42 – Hikari-san42 and Yami-sama42
Universe: Game
Rating: T, for safety
Parings: NONE WE SWEAR; what you see is up to you.
Warnings: OOC, Character bashing, CRACK-FIC
Notes: This idea came to us while we were playing the versus mode on Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympic Games. Silver looked so pretty while he was twirling around the ice and the fic started out as just a 500 word bashing on his fit of gayness, but it was expanded once we realized what prime material we had.
Disclaimer: Any and all recognize able material belongs to either Sega or Nintendo. Otherwise, it belongs to us.

o0o

Vancouver, Canada
Figure Skating – Pacific Coliseum

Silver enjoyed figure skating. A lot. He liked being able to move quickly around that small frozen pond of water, and hearing the crowd cheering his name. His quills fluttered in the wind created by his momentum and a smile graced his features. His arms were spread and his fingers were splayed as if he had years of practice. The song playing from the various speakers scattered around the area was classical in nature, and he jumped and spun easily in time with the melody. (One could sense the underlying tension behind his movements though, as if someone – somewhere – was waving their arms around like a maniac.)

He leapt off the ice in a twirl before landing a perfect triple axel on one foot. The crown went into an uproar but two people didn't clap.

"He looks like he's having fun…" Sonic the Hedgehog mumbled as he leaned against the side of the rink in the competitors' box. His companion grunted in agreement, leaning back with a sneer on his face. His hoverskates, now equipped with razor sharp, life ending blades, glinted at the world in a silent threat.

"Doesn't surprise me," Shadow muttered back in kind, closing his eyes and attempting to block out all the noise around him. However, the sound of a screaming fanbase couldn't be blocked out no matter how hard one tried.

Sonic turned around and clunked his way toward the bench, his own blades covered in rubber casing. He paused in front of the bench Shadow was resting on, eyeing the territorial way the other hedgehog had his arms harmlessly draped over the back of the entire bench. (It was a small bench, and Shadow had ULTIMATE arms.) "You wanna move over so I can sit?"

He was fixed with an ultimate look. "No. This bench is reserved for my arms. Get your own bench, faker."

"You're being a little immature, don't you think?"

"No, I was dragged here tooth and quill, and, you seem to be quite enjoying this human dribble. Don't think I didn't see you eyeing Amy's tutu with jealousy."

Sonic sputtered, a blush creeping up his cheeks. "WRONG SIR!" His arms shot out, one finger extended, while a fake British accent colored his tone. "You are obviously mistaking me with Metal Sonic." The accent was still present. He shrugged. "He has an affinity for women's clothing. It's a guilty passion of his."

"But…" Shadow paused, moving a hand to grip his chin. "Aren't you supposed to be, like, the same? Exactly?"

Sonic didn't answer, taking his chance to dart forward and plant himself on the newly liberated bench. He turned to Shadow then, index finger held up to his lips. "Ssssh…"

The black hedgehog glared at him, easily placing his arm back to where it was. Sonic's back went ramrod straight, and his eyes snapped forward, a cough ejecting itself from his throat as Shadow's hand brushed his shoulder. Seconds later, his hands fisted themselves in front of him while his eyes slowly lowed toward the floor and rested on his gathered hands. Shadow eyed him with contempt, as if his movements were the cause of his own discontent.

"You move more than Cream after she's had sugar."

Sonic's head snapped upward, index finger pointing toward the sky and mouth wide open to say something. However, Shadow shifted the arm resting behind him a tad and his eyes screwed closed. His neck drooped, letting his chin meet his chest again. "You're incorrigible."

"Pretty big word, Sonic –"

"Tails has a big vocabulary."

"- unlike some people."

"Get stuffed," was the only reply received from the blue one, back still a pole.

Shadow opened his mouth to cut Sonic down with an ultimate retort, but a loud cheer from the crown broke him off as Silver struck his final pose out on the ice. A large smile graced his features while his amber eyes were closed in content and his chest heaved from the exertion of the routine he had just performed. As the yells died down, the metallic hued hedgehog lower his splayed arms and waved easily towards his masses of adoring fans, not taking notice that most of them were of the male persuasion.

He skated fluidly towards the competitors' box, flinging his legs over the partition and clattering onto the hard floor. Both Sonic and Shadow stared at him, eyes widening as they caught sight of the tangible sparkles hanging around the other hedgehog.

"HAI GUIS!" Silver sang, as he draped himself between the still stiff Sonic and the relaxed Shadow. Somehow, in the ensuing chaos, Silver's arms ended up around each of the other's shoulders, while his legs were slung across Sonic's lap, making the clearly uncomfortable speedster even more so.

"Having fun out there?" Shadow muttered, obviously indulging the younger hedgehog in his queer choice of hobbies.

"OMG! SO MUCH! I can't even being to explain to you the fun!" He shifted his feet so one leg was resting on the other, finally taking notice of the blue ball of mess sitting next to him. "Ohi, Sonic." He greeted cheerfully, patting the hedgehog beside him. He watched Sonic's expression harden and his brow furrowed. "Are you okay?" He asked, concern laced through his voice.

"I'm fine," he responded too quickly, voice ripping through two octaves. He gulped to himself, not noticing the rocking motion his body was easing into on its own. Why'm I so tense? He thought to himself. These are my friends! I should be calm and collected! I SHOULD BE CONFIDENT! I'm Sonic the Hedgehog! So, why am I shaking like a kitten in a bathtub?

There was silence after Sonic's squeaky response, and all three just sat there, watching Mario twirl around the ice even more girlishly than Silver had minutes prior. All present became wrapped up in their own thoughts after that, and Sonic eventually relaxed into the back of the bench while Silver righted himself, but left his body wedged between those of his friends.

Sonic was jerked from his thoughts as someone new slammed into him from the opposite side of Silver, a heavy, gloved hand clapped itself into his shoulder while someone whispered into his ear roughly.

"Don't look now, but there's a girl over there staring at you!" Knuckles the Echidna hissed into Sonic's ear, making the hedgehog twitch. Silver, somehow overhearing, clapped his hands happily and hit Sonic on the back.

"Ooooo~! He cooed, patting Sonic on the head. "Why don't you go find out what her name is?"

Sonic shook his head roughly, dislodging Knuckles from his shoulder. "N-NO!" He blurted, a little too loudly, his face coloring. "I mean, I can't. That wouldn't be appropriate. I'm a hedgehog. All of the spectators are human."

Knuckles rolled his eyes and stood him, stalking around Sonic and poking the blue one in the forehead. "Well, if you won't ask, I will for you." He then swept away in all his red glory.

Shadow opened an ultimate eye and glanced toward his companions. "Sonic's getting a girlfriend?"

"NO!"

There was a pause. "A mistress then."

Sonic sputtered, his heart dropping into his shoes. "What? No! Absolutely not!"

"Well, then, you can't very well adopt another stray. Plus, I think this one has parents, and you know how they get when you abduct their young."

Sonic didn't reply.

Knuckles came back five minutes later, grinning like he had the funniest joke to tell and he could barely hold it in. All three hedgehogs looked at him expectantly and he smirked. "Well, she's defiantly interested in you Sonic. She told me her dad was the king of some company or something, so he had enough money to create a cover story for you if needed it."

Sonic raised a hand. Knuckles paused. "This is ridiculous; I can't believe I'm letting you do thi-"

"She said her name was Elise."

A collective shudder raced its way through three hedgehog spines and silence reigned in the loud area between the group of four.

"I don't know why," Shadow mumbled, arms wrapped around his chest. "But, I feel like punching you in the face now, Echidna."

"Please don't."

There was no reply, and all four began to wish for something non-awkward to talk about. Knuckles placed himself right beside Sonic on the small bench and the hedgehog reflected how – somehow – the Olympics people had managed to make it exactly the right size for the four of them. It was obviously a plot: make the blue hedgehog as uncomfortable as possible while he was staying in Vancouver. (He didn't let on that they were succeeding.) Instead of somehow forfeiting his pride and moving away from his friends, he simply closed his eyes and started to hum, looking to the entire world like a mentally tortured yoga patient.

Blue streak, speeds by

Sonic the hot-stuff

Silver discreetly turned toward Shadow, lowering his voice while placing a hand in front of his mouth to cup the sound. "What's wrong with him?"

"I dunno." The dark shadow muttered back, lolling his head toward to other. "But there's gonna be something wrong with your face in the next five seconds if you don't move!"

Silver jerked as if burned and slowly turned to face the ice.

Knuckles had since grown tired of watching Metal Sonic – in full pink tutu, mind you – prance around, and was slightly staring at the still humming Sonic. He slowly reached out a hand and poked the cobalt mammal in the shoulder, a dubious look on his face. "You should be in a band."

"I was, remember?" He paused. "Ya'know. Chomp."

"Oooooh yeah…" Knuckles rumbled, dragging out each word. "Eww…" His voice and expression both dropped, as if the sharp memory of his extinct pal tasted something sour. "That was during the three month depression you had at the dramatic death of Tails."

A pause. "What?"

"Oh… That's right. You blocked it out…"

"Blocked what out?"

"The three month depression you had over the death of Tails."

"Tails died?"

"Well, that was the official theory. It was a shot in the dark though."

"There's something wrong with you."

Before Knuckles could respond though, the walking dead strolled in, hands laced behind a golden furred head.

"Tails," Sonic called, raising a hand to get the fox's attention. The kit pulled his sunglasses off his face and glanced towards brother. "When did you die?"

"Huh?"

"Knuckles said you died."

"We've already established that Knuckles has a weird perception on life and its complexities."

Pregnant pause. "…hey!" An offended Echidna called out, knocking a fisted hand into Sonic's skull.

Sonic didn't reply to Knuckles' outrage, just simply rubbed his head. "Well, for what it's worth, I think I would notice if my lil'bro went missing."

"Well, for what it's worth, you didn't." Knuckles mumbled, still nursing wounded pride. "Sure as hell noticed 'Manic' and 'Sonia' though." He shuttered to himself, his mind filling his ears with nasally voices.

Silver and Shadow simply watched this exchange with a growing sense of unease.

"What the hell are you talking about? !"

"You said yourself you were in a band!" Knuckles' voice was slowly getting louder in exasperation.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I ignored Tails!"

"Yes! Yes it does!"

Suddenly, the echidna rounded on the fox still standing a few feet away. "Did you know Sonic was in a band?"

"He was in a band? What'd he play, flute?"

"Guitar actually." Sonic interjected, tired of being talked over.

"Were you any good?"

"Was I any good, he asks!"

"Not exactly an answer, Sonic."

"I was the best, Tails. The lead singer."

"That doesn't mean you were any good at playing. Or singing, for that matter."

"Shut up, Knuckles! My band, man! My rules!"

"I remember this now," Tails mumbled. "I sat in one of those director chairs and laughed as Sonic wailed into a microphone from across the set."

Knuckles stared at Tails with something akin to shock. "What set?"

"The set of Sonic Under-" He was cut off as Sonic clapped a hand over his face.

"Sssh! We never speak its name! Those were dark times. We were desperate."

"Kinda like we are now?"

"Shut up, Tails! I told you not to declare our money problems to the world!"

"I never said anything money…"

"I told you to shut up!"

"Guys," Silver interrupted. "I don't mean to end your love fest, but they're about to announce the winners of the event."

o0o

In the end, Metal Sonic received third place, Mario second – he received his metal with a mysterious barrage of suspicious words mixed in with his strange accent –, and Silver with first. Silver took his medal with a huge smile and a few enthusiastic claps before swooping into the air with the greatest of ease, blue lights shooting out from his body.

The real winner of the day however, was Blaze, because she stayed away from that accursed bench and its many strange conversations. Though, when she tried to sit on it the next day, she found herself bodily tackled by Silver and wrestled out of the room.

She didn't bother asking.

Tails has sunglasses because he's just that cool.

Tails' sunglasses ask you to review.