Shakespeare's Sisters: How the Bard's Greatest Works would Never have been Written if Girlguiding had been invented around 300 years previously, and the teenage William's sisters belonged to 1st Stratford-Upon-Avon Guides...
Sisters are seated around a table. William enters carrying papers.
William: Sisters, I have written two new plays today. I want to hear what ye all do thinketh! William hands copies of the script to all the girls. He sits down and reads his own script: William: These are copies of my play what I made earlier. My dear friend Ivor Computeratome helped me with the copying. Shall I read it aloud?
Sisters: yes Brother, do!
William: It is the story of Othello, who is a Commander in the Venetian Army. He has an Ensign working for him called Iago who gets most horribly enraged when Othello promotes a young Lieutenant called Cassio instead of him. Iago decides to plot a most vicious revenge on Othello!
Sister 1: But Brother, revenge is a most bat-fowling, maggot-hearted emotion, thou art setting thy sisters a most misbegotten and mutton-headed example by writing plays about it!
Youngest Sister: Yes, what SHE sayeth!
William: That's as may be, but to continue: He knows that Othello is in love with the Venetian Senator Brabantio's daughter Desdemona, and he knows full well that Brabantio is against their relationship because Othello belongs to a different race and religion.
Sister 2: Brother, that attitude doth reek of foul-breathing, sheep-biting pig's-droppings, for shame that you should put it in your play!
Sister 3: Yes, and it takes no account of the 5th Zone of Guiding, to Celebrate Diversity!
William:Very well Sisters, butnone the less: Iago uses this prejudice to his advantage, by getting someone else, a knave called Roderigo, to tell Desdemona's father that they have run away together in secret. Roderigo is quite happy to jump on this bandwagon, because he fancies Desdemona for himself!
Sisters One and Two to each other: SO like a maggoty boy!
Youngest Sister: Verily, and totally!
William: It doesn't work though, for when Brabantio confronts Othello about it he learns the truth, and lets the Duke of Venice make the judgment about it instead, and the Duke is in favour of giving the couple a chance. Iago changes tack for a bit, and sets up the young man who got promoted over him, a lieutenant called Cassio, to get into a fight with Roderigo, making sure Cassio got the blame. Cassio gets the blame alright, and Othello demotes him back to his old job. This isn't enough for Iago though, he hears that Othello and Desdemona are happily married, and he sees a way to put paid to that! He tells Desdemona that she would be doing a kind thing to ask her husband to give Cassio back his job. How kind! Really? Of course not!
Sister One: So much effort Iago goes to, for fishified and rampskallion purposes! He's not using his time and abilities wisely, is he? That's another Guide Law broken!
William: (Ignores his sister )…..He then he secretly tells Othello that Desdemona is having an affair with Cassio behind his back! Othello believes him, gets mad with rage and misery, and even asks Iago to help him kill Desdemona and Cassio for their supposed betrayal! After giving Cassio's job to Iago of course!
Youngest Sister: What's happening now? These twisted tales are confuddling me entirely
! Sister 3: Oh, this Iago has got Othello into his bootless and bog-hearted ways now, and they are both breaking Guide Laws faster than a goose can run on Christmas Eve! Can ANY of your characters be honest, trustworthy and reliable Brother?
William; (mumbling, resentful) only the really BORING ones! Anyway, Iago gets Roderigo to kill Cassio for him, but it all goes wrong and Cassio survives, so Iago kills Roderigo to cover the whole thing up. Othello ends up doing the job of killing Desdemona himself, and then he finds out too late that she was innocent after all!
Sister 2: for pity's sake Brother, thou hast a higher count of bodies in this tale than in the Fabled Murders of Midsomer!
Youngest Sister: is it over yet?
William: I am nearly at the conclusionof my story
Sister 1: I am nearly at the conclusionof my will to live!
William: Othello is overcome with grief and remorse, and kills himself!
Sister 3: Forsooth, another body! He didn't face a challenge and learn from it, did he?
William: But sisters, you will like this: Iago's sweetheart Emilia discovers his dastardly deeds, and reports him to the authorities!
Sister 2: Finally, someone is behaving with honour in this dog-hearted, gut-griping tale of death and destruction!
William: (dismissively) Yes, quite so. Anyway, Iago kills Emila, and then he gets captured and is brought to justice! So all's well that ends well!
Sister 1: (splutters) All's well that ends well? Thou constipated codpiece, thy turnip-headed characters have broken all the laws of decent society! Such a play as this will never be welcomed by respectable citizens!
Sister 3: No indeed, thou maggot-puking hornbeast! Thou wilt bring nought but shame upon the name of Shakespeare!
William tosses this script over his shoulder in disgust and picks up the next page
William: Very well sisters, if that's what you all think? Page 2
Sisters together: (loud and emphatic) we do!
William: My next tale is a romance, you'll like this: Romeo and Juliet. My story deals with two rich Italian families who are constantly at war with each other, the Capulets and the Montagues. The two families hate each other so much, even the servants of the rival families are always fighting, and one day it gets so out of hand that the Prince tells them all that the next person to break the peace will be executed!
Sister 1: (sarcastically) The next person is not too likely to learn from their mistakes then, are they?
William: (ignoring the interruption) The head of the Capulet family is arranging a party for his daughter Juliet to meet the fabulously rich and powerful Count Paris, who wants to marry her. She is just coming up to fourteen, by the way.
Sister 2: Well fancy that, so am I!
Sister 1: Any plans to get married to a stranger chosen by your father?
Sister 2: Not this week!
William: By accident, Montague's son Romeo, and his friends Benvolio and the Prince's cousin Mercutio, hear of the party and decide to go along in disguise. Romeo and Juliet fall for each other at the party, but then they discover that each belongs to the rival family. Just at this crucial moment, Juliet's cousin Tybalt recognizes the young men from the Montague family, and they have to leave before they get thrown own! Romeo doesn't go home though, he waits outside Juliet's house until she comes out on her balcony. Well, after a little romantic discussion in the moonlight about Juliet being fairer than a fresh-bloomed rose, the couple decides to meet up the next day in secret and get married!
Sister 3: Do all Italians behave in this bawdy, beetle-brained manner William, or is it just in thy plays?
William: Oh boil thy brains, Sister! Anyway, my tale takes a tragic turn the next day when Tybalt (Juliet's cousin, remember) picks a quarrel with Romeo's friend Mercutio who ends up being killed. Naturally, Romeo goes after Tybalt then, and kills him in retaliation!
Sister 1: Thy hero Romeo is nothing but a misbegotten hedge-pig, killing another in retaliation instead of respecting all living things! What a calamitous clod-pole!
William: Well anyway, the Clod-pole gets banished to a far-off land for his crime Sisters, he doesn't get away with it, and Juliet's Nanny and her friend Friar Lawrence arrange for the couple to meet one last time before he has to leave.
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Sister 2: Well Juliet didn't learn from her experiences there, did she?This spongy-brained clod Romeo is clearly trouble, and she's going to meet him again!
Sister 1: Forsooth,though art right Sister. Juliet should be asking herself"Is he to be trusted?"
Sister 2: To be, or not to be?
Sister 1: That is the question!
William: Hmmm, I'll just make a note of that…Meanwhile, Juliet's parents have booked her wedding to Count Paris for the very next day, to give the family something to be cheerful about after the death of Tybalt, very sad, blah blah blah! How is Juliet going to get out of this? Well fear not, dear sisters, for I have thought of a way!
Sister 3: She gets eaten by a herd of gut-griping toad-spotted dragons!
William: Thou art merely being silly takes a sleeping potion that makes her appear to be dead, and which fools all of her family! While she is lying in the family vault, Romeo will wake her up and the couple will escape to freedom! Rejoice!
Sister 1: Oh Brother, thou spongy, beef-witted bladder! Thy character Juliet is NOT using her time and abilities wisely!
William: Her plan fails, however, when the messenger fails to get to Romeo in time to tell him of this cunning trick.
Youngest Sister: He hath broken another Guide Law, he could not be relied upon and trusted!
William: He hears of her death, sees her lifeless body in the vault, and poisons himself! Oh, and he kills Count Paris on the way to the tomb, I forgot to say!
Sister 3: One more count of wanton violence by thy lumpish, beslubbering characters is hardly worth pointing out at this juncture –
William: (Annoyed)Yet thou dost feel the need to point, regardless! However, when Juliet awakes, she sees that the love of her life, Romeo, is dead at her feet! She kills herself!
Sister 1: Again Brother, pitifully poor use of her time and abilities!
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William: Thou dost repeat thyself, Sister!
Sister 1: No I don't, THOU dost! Time and again thy characters blunder into one tottering disaster after another instead of facing their challenges and learning from them!
William: (heave a sigh, resigned)Oh very well Sister, as you like it! Anyway,when their parents arrive at the tomb and see their children dead, they finally decide to make peace between the two families! There, that's a happy ending, is it not?
Sister 2: I'm speechless!
William: That doth make a welcome change, long may it continue!
Sister 2: It doth be over already! Really Brother, no-one will ever wish to read thy stories about such a spleeny bunch of logger-headed, spittle-brained hedge-pigs!
William: (gets up and drops his papers with a flourish)
"Oh, Playwriting is for beef-witted barnacles anyway, I'm going out to invent football!