Dear Quistis,
This may seem kind of stupid, writing you a letter, but it's the closest I feel I can communicate with you. They say the dead can hear our thoughts… I don't really know if I believe that, so I'm doing this. Besides, you are the only person I know who appreciates letters written in proper grammar, so I'll do my best.
I don't really know where to start… Yesterday I found myself wandering into your classroom again. Sometimes, it's as if nothing's changed. Do you remember, I had you for homeroom? Everyday I'd come in late, you'd scorn me, but behind that stern glance you always had a slight smile. But now, your classroom remains unused. No instructor could replace you, and we've decided to honor your memory. The seats are still arranged in the same order, your papers still clutter your old desk, and the Trepies still hang around in the same spots. Except… now they're crying, holding bouquets in their hands, and making solemn vows. You thought they didn't care about you, but you were wrong. They looked up to you, and admired you like you deserved to be. You were an idol to us all, especially me. I wanted so much to be near you, to be you, to learn from you. Everything you did was right… you always made the correct decisions. But, I still wonder if the last decision of your life was so wise…
It's my fault… isn't it? It's because of me. Even if it's not, I feel this terrible guilt plaguing my soul. You tried to convince us you loved Squall as a 'brother.' But you didn't act like it sometimes. You'd stare, and I'd see tears well up in your eyes whenever we were together. I'd turn, and ask what was wrong. And everytime, you responded with something like, "Nothing for you to worry about Rinoa, you know me. I'm always fine." But now, I know. I know you weren't 'fine.' In fact, you were dying inside… all this time. I suppose your spirit died long before your physical body, and it was only a matter of time. If only I knew…. If you felt that way for so long, why didn't you say anything? Why?!
I hope you're happy, because now you finally got the attention you wanted! We've all become total wrecks. Especially Squall… Believe it or not, he did love you. Just not the way you wanted. But why couldn't that be enough for you? I'm sorry, this letter makes it seem like I'm mad at you. I'm not… If anything, I'm mad at myself. Frustrated that I couldn't be there for you. Frustrated that I don't understand. Frustrated that I didn't see your pain. Frustrated that every time I knock on the door to your dorm, you're never on the other side of it, tilting your glasses and smiling.
Did you know? Did you know I was going to be the one to find you? That I was going to visit your dorm for help with my studies. I still feel like it was planned. Like I was the one meant to find you, see you in that horrible state. I can still remember like it was yesterday… You always promptly answered whenever I knocked. But that time… there was no answer. I figured you weren't in, but the door was unlocked. And everyone knows you always locked your door when you were out, because of the Trepies and all. But, I dared to venture towards the most bitter sweet sight in my short existence. I've tried to shake the memories, but it's been permanently engraved in the back of my mind. It haunts me sometimes, too.
Your body…Was lying there, sprawled over the floor. Your whip, "Save The Queen" was wrapped around your neck… so tightly. Your hand, drenched in blood was still clenching the handle. There were deep slices, all over your body. And… your once beautiful, pale face was tainted the color crimson. It was obvious you made yourself suffer. To the point where you almost bled to death… But, I didn't understand. I still don't! You didn't deserve to suffer so… I couldn't take it. I cried. I screamed and unwrapped the whip from your neck. But when I did, your eyes… The icy blue was staring into me. You must have just died, because your body was warm, and those eyes... Your eyes were still glazed, misty and almost overflown with tears. And when I lifted your upper body, the salty tears slid down your face, and spattered onto my arms. The eyes which had once shown such vibrance and beauty, were cold. I tried to bring myself to close the lids… but I couldn't. They, they were pleading. Begging me to hold your body, and to tell you everything was going to be alright. And I did, I stayed with you for hours, crying over you, cradling your lifeless body, trying to decide… where we went wrong. Why you would do this to yourself. Why it couldn't have been me instead… I've heard people say that the eyes are the windows to the soul… And now I finally know what they meant.
Bitter sweet. Bitter, because that's not what I wanted. It's not what anyone else wanted. It's not what Squall wanted… and I know, somewhere deep down, it couldn't have been what you wanted. But sweet, because as I saw you lying there, you looked more at peace that I have ever seen you. And I knew, deep down inside, that you're on the other side, overwhelmed in more peace and happiness than you could have ever imagined. But, I can't decide whether you're smiling over me, or cursing me…
I still find irony in it all. The situation… "Save The Queen." You were a queen. I've been known as a princess. But you were always above me, you were always better. But, I wouldn't have had it any other way. And neither would anyone else… But were you really saving yourself? Why? Why did you give up hope? Would it have been so hard to open up to us? Or, to move on? I hope you're not too upset, but I requested to keep your whip in my room. It's in a glass case, propped against the wall. I keep it, to remind myself. Not as torture, although it sometimes feels it. But so I can remember. Remember you, and all the fun missions and things we've done together. And also… so that I'll never make the same mistake again. I promised myself that I would do my best to be there, and listen to the ones I love.
As the sun rises every morning, I awaken with it. I remember, you said you liked to watch the sun rise. It symbolizes hope and joy for a new day. But there's no hope, and there's no joy without you Quistis. My world has changed, and I know, no matter what I do, and no matter how many tears I cry, it won't bring you back. I could sit in my old desk in your room for hours, everyday, waiting for you to come in as you did, right on time, (You were always so punctual.) and you won't come. You won't be there to teach me another lesson. But whether you realized it or not, you've taught me the greatest lesson of all.
Goodbye, Quistis.
I love you, and I will always honor your memory.
-Rinoa
~*Rinoa bent down, grazing her fingers over the rough, granite texture of the tombstone. With a final sigh and a final tear, she set the envelope atop the tombstone. After doing so, she looked to the horizon, and watched the sun rise to a new day*~
This may seem kind of stupid, writing you a letter, but it's the closest I feel I can communicate with you. They say the dead can hear our thoughts… I don't really know if I believe that, so I'm doing this. Besides, you are the only person I know who appreciates letters written in proper grammar, so I'll do my best.
I don't really know where to start… Yesterday I found myself wandering into your classroom again. Sometimes, it's as if nothing's changed. Do you remember, I had you for homeroom? Everyday I'd come in late, you'd scorn me, but behind that stern glance you always had a slight smile. But now, your classroom remains unused. No instructor could replace you, and we've decided to honor your memory. The seats are still arranged in the same order, your papers still clutter your old desk, and the Trepies still hang around in the same spots. Except… now they're crying, holding bouquets in their hands, and making solemn vows. You thought they didn't care about you, but you were wrong. They looked up to you, and admired you like you deserved to be. You were an idol to us all, especially me. I wanted so much to be near you, to be you, to learn from you. Everything you did was right… you always made the correct decisions. But, I still wonder if the last decision of your life was so wise…
It's my fault… isn't it? It's because of me. Even if it's not, I feel this terrible guilt plaguing my soul. You tried to convince us you loved Squall as a 'brother.' But you didn't act like it sometimes. You'd stare, and I'd see tears well up in your eyes whenever we were together. I'd turn, and ask what was wrong. And everytime, you responded with something like, "Nothing for you to worry about Rinoa, you know me. I'm always fine." But now, I know. I know you weren't 'fine.' In fact, you were dying inside… all this time. I suppose your spirit died long before your physical body, and it was only a matter of time. If only I knew…. If you felt that way for so long, why didn't you say anything? Why?!
I hope you're happy, because now you finally got the attention you wanted! We've all become total wrecks. Especially Squall… Believe it or not, he did love you. Just not the way you wanted. But why couldn't that be enough for you? I'm sorry, this letter makes it seem like I'm mad at you. I'm not… If anything, I'm mad at myself. Frustrated that I couldn't be there for you. Frustrated that I don't understand. Frustrated that I didn't see your pain. Frustrated that every time I knock on the door to your dorm, you're never on the other side of it, tilting your glasses and smiling.
Did you know? Did you know I was going to be the one to find you? That I was going to visit your dorm for help with my studies. I still feel like it was planned. Like I was the one meant to find you, see you in that horrible state. I can still remember like it was yesterday… You always promptly answered whenever I knocked. But that time… there was no answer. I figured you weren't in, but the door was unlocked. And everyone knows you always locked your door when you were out, because of the Trepies and all. But, I dared to venture towards the most bitter sweet sight in my short existence. I've tried to shake the memories, but it's been permanently engraved in the back of my mind. It haunts me sometimes, too.
Your body…Was lying there, sprawled over the floor. Your whip, "Save The Queen" was wrapped around your neck… so tightly. Your hand, drenched in blood was still clenching the handle. There were deep slices, all over your body. And… your once beautiful, pale face was tainted the color crimson. It was obvious you made yourself suffer. To the point where you almost bled to death… But, I didn't understand. I still don't! You didn't deserve to suffer so… I couldn't take it. I cried. I screamed and unwrapped the whip from your neck. But when I did, your eyes… The icy blue was staring into me. You must have just died, because your body was warm, and those eyes... Your eyes were still glazed, misty and almost overflown with tears. And when I lifted your upper body, the salty tears slid down your face, and spattered onto my arms. The eyes which had once shown such vibrance and beauty, were cold. I tried to bring myself to close the lids… but I couldn't. They, they were pleading. Begging me to hold your body, and to tell you everything was going to be alright. And I did, I stayed with you for hours, crying over you, cradling your lifeless body, trying to decide… where we went wrong. Why you would do this to yourself. Why it couldn't have been me instead… I've heard people say that the eyes are the windows to the soul… And now I finally know what they meant.
Bitter sweet. Bitter, because that's not what I wanted. It's not what anyone else wanted. It's not what Squall wanted… and I know, somewhere deep down, it couldn't have been what you wanted. But sweet, because as I saw you lying there, you looked more at peace that I have ever seen you. And I knew, deep down inside, that you're on the other side, overwhelmed in more peace and happiness than you could have ever imagined. But, I can't decide whether you're smiling over me, or cursing me…
I still find irony in it all. The situation… "Save The Queen." You were a queen. I've been known as a princess. But you were always above me, you were always better. But, I wouldn't have had it any other way. And neither would anyone else… But were you really saving yourself? Why? Why did you give up hope? Would it have been so hard to open up to us? Or, to move on? I hope you're not too upset, but I requested to keep your whip in my room. It's in a glass case, propped against the wall. I keep it, to remind myself. Not as torture, although it sometimes feels it. But so I can remember. Remember you, and all the fun missions and things we've done together. And also… so that I'll never make the same mistake again. I promised myself that I would do my best to be there, and listen to the ones I love.
As the sun rises every morning, I awaken with it. I remember, you said you liked to watch the sun rise. It symbolizes hope and joy for a new day. But there's no hope, and there's no joy without you Quistis. My world has changed, and I know, no matter what I do, and no matter how many tears I cry, it won't bring you back. I could sit in my old desk in your room for hours, everyday, waiting for you to come in as you did, right on time, (You were always so punctual.) and you won't come. You won't be there to teach me another lesson. But whether you realized it or not, you've taught me the greatest lesson of all.
Goodbye, Quistis.
I love you, and I will always honor your memory.
-Rinoa
~*Rinoa bent down, grazing her fingers over the rough, granite texture of the tombstone. With a final sigh and a final tear, she set the envelope atop the tombstone. After doing so, she looked to the horizon, and watched the sun rise to a new day*~