Disclaimer - not mine. Just look at my bank account. Sigh...
This is one of those stories I'm not quite sure about but it just wouldn't go away. Not sure what that says about me...
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Deeks watched his girlfriend/partner slam out of the house. How had things gone so wrong so quickly? It was just a stupid practical joke, the last in a fairly long stretch of them going back and forth for weeks. They'd been so bored the last few weeks with no real cases coming in. They'd been working on finishing up all outstanding paperwork and there was only so much time you can spend in the gym or at the firing range during any given day. He heard the Audi start up and knew she really was driving to work by herself today, leaving him here feeling lousy and not sure how to make it up to her. It had seemed funny when he'd thought it up. He remembered back to when this had started.
It had been a few weeks ago, just before she'd moved in with him. It had been the morning of one of their nights off and she'd taken longer to dress than normal, to the point where they'd barely had time to eat the breakfast he'd cooked without being late for work. It had ended up being a long hard day. They'd finally caught an interesting case that had taken to almost midnight to finish up and, when he'd gotten home late that night, all he'd wanted was a shower to wash the day off him and bed. After his shower, he'd tumbled into bed without even noticing something was off. It wasn't until he almost put his feet through his favorite set of sheets, that he realized she'd short sheeted his bed. He'd had to laugh. This was a side of Kensi that very few people ever got to see. The fun loving, practical joke playing side, a side that made him fall more in love with her every time it made an appearance. He'd remade the bed correctly, all the while trying to think of how to get her back.
The next morning it hit him when his eyes lit on the bottle of her favorite perfume that was sitting on his bureau. It would have to wait until their next night off but, as the saying went, revenge was a dish best served cold. He'd congratulated her on her prank when he got to work and left it at that. She'd watched him carefully for the next few days, waiting for him to get her back until she finally thought he was going to let it go and let her guard down. On the way home alone on their next night off, he'd stopped at the mall and gone into one of the chain department stores that had a perfume counter. He'd picked up a bottle of rose water, a scent Kensi absolutely despised and then his eye had fallen on a pretty glass bottle with some sort of bulb on top. The woman behind the counter had explained it was an atomizer and was used to store perfume in a much prettier container than the manufacturer's bottle it came in. He'd bought both.
That night he poured her perfume into the atomizer and hid it in his side of the closet. He'd washed out the regular bottle and filled it with the rose water before carefully placing it back in its original spot. He'd had a hard time sleeping, picturing what her response would be. The next day had been a long boring one, filled with more paperwork and a case that was quickly solved. It had dragged on even longer for him as he knew his revenge wouldn't be uncovered until the next morning. He'd gotten through the day, through dinner and yet another viewing of Titanic, followed by a fitful night's sleep. The only high spot of the day had been when she'd attacked him in bed and pretty much worn him out. The anticipation for the morning had just about killed him. He'd gotten up early that morning and was showered and dressed before she even got out of bed. He'd had to wait for her to shower and get dressed herself, timing his return to the bedroom just as she was ready to spritz on the perfume. He'd watched her out of the corner of his eye as she sprayed herself from head to about waist level before the scent hit her nose. She'd stopped and her jaw had dropped open, her eyes immediately going to him as he started to laugh hysterically.
She'd chased him around the house with the bottle held over her head like a weapon for a good ten minutes, both of them laughing, Monty yipping and joining in the fun. They'd done the feinting around the dining room table thing, both of them knowing the other so well that neither one would fool the other. When she finally gave up on catching him, she'd insisted on re-showering and putting all her clothes back in the wash, even then saying she could still smell it on her. The gift of the pretty bottle containing her real perfume had almost led to them being even later for work than they already were.
He didn't have long to wait for her revenge on him. That night, he'd been setting up the coffee maker for the next morning and she'd asked for the special dark roast. The smell was strong but it was tasty. He hadn't thought anything of it until the next morning when he'd taken a big swallow out of his mug and had had to spit it out. Sometime during the night, she'd snuck down and put cayenne pepper in with the coffee grounds. The strong smell of the coffee had masked any additional scents and he hadn't suspected a thing. He should've known something was up when she didn't immediately drink from her mug when he handed it to her, instead holding it in her hands and watching him. His lips had burned all day but he had to hand it to her, it was a great prank.
The pranking had then followed them into the office. He'd been trying to find a way to get her back but she'd been watching him like a hawk at home. Finally, one morning when she was at the firing range and Sam and Callen were in the gym sparring, he'd had an idea. It wasn't earth shattering but it would do, as an understated, work appropriate sort of prank. He got up from his desk slowly, warily looking for anyone who could catch him, but it was quiet. Even Hetty was missing from her desk. He'd picked up Kensi's stapler and unlatched the magazine holding the staples. He then pushed it back in until it almost latched and taped it in place, making sure the tape wasn't obvious. This way, when she went to use it, it wouldn't work. What he hadn't expected was that the prank would work even better than he'd ever hoped. While she was sitting at her desk later in the day, concentrating on some paperwork, the tape had let go and the magazine had shot out at her. She'd leapt back and squealed, much to the amusement of Sam, Callen and himself. She'd looked at him and said "It's on Shaggy! Oh, yeah, it's on."
He'd been on pins and needles for days, constantly watching his back, carefully picking up everyday items as if he expected it to attack him. But, nothing happened. She was playing him at his own waiting game, even as she was moving into his place permanently. Eventually, he'd had to relax his guard a little and she'd struck. Yesterday morning, she'd taped down the switch hook on his desk phone and waited until he was deep in his paperwork, then surreptitiously called the number from a burner phone she'd talked Nell into lending her. When it rang, he'd looked at the caller id and, not recognizing the number, had picked it up answering "Detective Marty Deeks." The phone had just kept ringing and he'd been caught staring at the receiver in his hand with a totally befuddled look on his face. And by caught, he meant captured for posterity by her phone camera. A picture she'd taken great delight in forwarding to everyone on her contact list who he knew and via email to all of OSP. The rest of the day, people he barely knew had stopped by to tease him about it.
Sam and Callen had been present for both pranks and Callen, once he'd finished laughing, had said "How old are you two?"
Kensi had replied. "He messed with my stapler!"
"You cayenne peppered my coffee!" Deeks replied, earning groans and "how could you's" from their team mates.
"You replaced my favorite perfume with ROSE WATER!"
"You short sheeted my bed!"
"She short sheeted your bed? Kensi, that's something you do at sleep away camp!" Sam huffed out, trying to get his laughter under control.
"Well, I was sleeping away!"
"For, like, ten year olds!" Sam said.
The whole team burst into laughter and spent the rest of the day chuckling at odd hours when a mental image of one of the pranks described or seen came to mind. The day flew by. On the way home that night, Deeks had caught sight of a dead fern in his neighbor's trash and a new idea presented itself. When she'd fallen asleep, he'd snuck out of the house and grabbed it. Coming back inside, he'd replaced the healthy fern he'd given her with the dead one. He put the healthy plant out in the backyard for safekeeping and went back to bed.
The next morning he waited until she got up and went downstairs, silently following her a few minutes later, ready to see his girl moaning and groaning about killing yet another plant. Instead, she stood silently in front of it, her shoulders slumped. He got a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. This was not turning out like he'd thought. He moved up behind her and said "Kens, what's the matter?"
"I killed it. I killed another one. Why can't I keep anything alive?" She turned and looked at him sadly, one lone tear making its way down her cheek.
The bad feeling was now full blown panic and he pulled her into his arms. "Baby, I'm sorry! So sorry! It was just a prank. That's not your fern. That one was in our neighbor's trash last night. Your plant's out in the backyard." He let her go and rushed out to bring her plant in, not seeing the look of deviltry that crossed Kensi's face when his back was to her. She'd seen the plant in the trash last night and had immediately recognized it as the same one this morning. In addition, she'd also checked her plant when they got home last night and there was no way it had gone from green and healthy to brown and dead overnight. She'd planned her revenge on the spot, in the few minutes before he'd followed her downstairs. When he returned with the plant and held it out to her, she'd carefully schooled her face into a look of anger and disappointment.
She grabbed the healthy plant and pulled the dead one out of the container, thrusting it at him. She carefully and lovingly put her plant in its place and turned to him. "How could you do that do me, Deeks? You know how hard I was working on keeping that plant alive. You knew what it meant to me!" She turned and ran upstairs, a smile he couldn't see on her face. Deeks watched her go in utter confusion. This is not the way it was supposed to go. He didn't know if he should go after her or let her cool off. He decided he'd let her cool off for a bit and then go up and grovel.
He never got the chance as she shortly flounced back down the stairs, fully dressed in record time, with her go bag in hand. She looked at him sadly and said "I can't even look at you right now. I'm going into work, alone. You think about what you did! Maybe, just maybe, I'll come home tonight. Right now, that is not even close to being an option." She turned and went through the front door, slamming it behind her. And here he was. Not sure what had just happened or how to make it right.
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Kensi walked into the Mission with a smile on her face. Callen and Sam were already in and Sam immediately asked where Deeks was. She grinned at him and replied "He should be in shortly. He thinks I'm not talking to him after he pulled a prank on me this morning. It didn't work, but he doesn't know that. I packed a bag and left him at home." She chuckled as she remembered the look on his face.
"Kens, this is getting out of hand. What do you hope to gain by letting him think that he upset you?" Asked Callen.
She smiled brightly at him and replied "A nice dinner out to the restaurant of my choosing on any night I want to go."
Sam and Callen looked at each other and shook their heads. This had the potential to go really wrong, really quickly. What they didn't know was that Deeks had been right on Kensi's heels and had heard the whole conversation. He smiled and quietly walked back out. He waited about 10 minutes, trying out different facial expressions in the rear view mirror of his truck. Settling on one, he went back in.
He walked back into the Mission, immediately pretending to look for Kensi. Sam and Callen were at their desks but she was now conspicuously missing. Putting his messenger bag down, he asked "Where's Kensi?" Playing his part, in case she was close by.
"I think she's at the firing range. She seemed a little upset. Trouble in paradise?" replied Sam, wondering if he should just tell Deeks the truth and end this now.
"You guys know full well what happened. I heard her tell you everything. Now, I just have to figure out how to get her back for it."
Sam looked at him and shook his head no. "Shaggy, Shaggy, Shaggy. You know this prank spree is going to end up with one of you upset for real, at some point or another. You should just let her have the last laugh and stop it here. Be the bigger man, so to speak."
"Not when it's going to cost me dinner at some outrageously expensive place where they don't even give you enough food to feed a bird, especially not my ladybird! You've both seen her eat!" Deeks responded.
"Well, what do you have planned now?" Callen asked.
"I'm thinking we plan a boy's night out tonight seeing as I'm supposedly in a girlfriend free zone. Make her think I'm not bothered by her being angry with me." He replied.
"We are sooo not going to be part of this." Sam said, putting his hands up in the air. As the only married agent on the team, he knew this had disaster written all over it.
"Come on! Please?"
"No." Sam shook his head for emphasis. Callen just watched them with a smirk.
"Okay, then at least don't give me away?"
Against their better judgment, both senior agents agreed. They went back to work with Deeks keeping one eye on the corridor to the firing range. When he saw her coming, he turned his back and pulled out his cell phone, pretending to be in the middle of a conversation.
"Sure, that sounds like a blast."
"7? Yeah, unless something comes up at work I should definitely be able to make it by then."
"K. See you tonight!"
He hung up and turned to find Kensi staring at him, frowning. "Who was that?"
"An old friend. Called out of the blue to see if I was around tonight. It appears I have nothing else to do so we're going out."
Kensi sat at her desk and watched him with narrowed eyes. This was not the way it was supposed to go down. He should be begging her forgiveness and offering anything she wanted to make it right. She started to wonder if he knew that she knew. She glanced at Sam and Callen, both of whom studiously refused to meet her eyes. She knew they were only pretending to work and it solidified her suspicions that Deeks knew and that they knew that he knew. She wondered if they'd given her up, some bro code or another. If he knew that she knew, then chances were that the 'friend' he was supposedly meeting tonight as if he didn't have a care in the world, was bogus. She sat quietly and fumed, not able to think of a way out of this now, wondering if Callen was right and this had gotten out of hand.
When lunch time rolled around, it was Deeks who was sent out to get it, with orders to go where he was told. No new age food truck serving sawdust or bark shavings. Usually Kensi would go with him, both for company and to keep his food choices in line. Today she didn't volunteer, still keeping up her pretense of being mad at him and he didn't ask, still keeping up his pretense that he didn't care that she was.
When he was gone longer than expected, no one noticed at first. When Hetty entered the bullpen they all greeted her cheerfully. The expression on her face brought a sense of déjà vu to all of them. She cleared her throat and said "Mr. Deeks was involved in a car accident on the way back to the Mission. He's not badly hurt but is currently on his way to Pacific Beach Medical."
Kensi immediately looked at Sam and Callen. They stared back at her, all of them wondering if even Deeks would take a practical joke this far. Kensi looked at Hetty and asked what was on all their minds. "Did Deeks put you up to this?"
"I'm sorry, Miss. Blye? Would you care to elaborate?"
"Did Deeks ask you to tell us he was in an accident?"
"Why in the world would he ask me to do that? He simply called to say he was involved in an accident and the paramedics were insisting that he go to the hospital. Apparently another car ran a red light and smashed into his driver's side door, causing him to hit his head on the window. He was actually calling for a ride back here as his pickup truck is not drivable at the moment. I had to insist he go get checked out. Someone will need to go pick him up."
All three of them got up and Sam said to Kensi "G and I will go in the Challenger. You follow in the Audi."
Hetty opened her mouth to state the obvious fact that picking up Mr. Deeks would not require two cars and three federal agents. She had a suspicion that Mr. Hanna and Mr. Callen were well aware of this but were looking for any excuse to get out of doing the paperwork that they were all currently catching up on. She decided that, as there was nothing pressing going on, she would indulge them in this and instead said "Go, but be back here as soon as possible. That paperwork won't finish itself." Turning to Kensi she continued "If Mr. Deeks is not able to come back to work today, you are to stay at home with him."
Kensi nodded and said "Thank you Hetty!" as she followed Sam and Callen out of the Mission. When they arrived at the hospital, they quickly made their way to the emergency room where it was easy to find Deeks. He was surrounded by several nurses who were all giggling at some story or other that he was telling. For an L.A. ER, there were surprisingly few patients.
When he saw them he grinned widely. "Hey guys! You didn't all have to come all the way down here for little old me!"
Kensi looked at the goofy look on his face; relieved he didn't appear to be badly hurt and asked "Did they give you something?"
"Um, I think so?" He turned and grinned widely at the closest nurse who smiled back and patted the back of his hand, a little longer than Kensi was happy about.
"Yes, just a little something to help with your headache." The nurse replied softly to him, completely ignoring the woman currently staring daggers at her.
Kensi frowned and looked at him more carefully. A lovely bruise was forming on the left side of his face. She turned to the nurse and asked "What does the doctor say? Is he going to be okay?"
"I'm afraid I can't share that information with you Miss…?" The nurse said, looking down her nose at Kensi.
"Federal Agent Kensi Blye and you most certainly can share that with me seeing as how I'm his partner, his girlfriend and his next of kin." Kensi said, her voice getting a little louder with each word. The nurse blinked and backed away a little. The other nurses had melted away at the expression on Kensi's face but this one wasn't backing down completely.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize. He's going to be fine. Just a slight concussion, a headache that may come and go, as well as the bruise on his face. He was very lucky. He's been released to go home but shouldn't be driving or going back to work until tomorrow at the earliest. If any additional symptoms appear over the next few hours either bring him back here or take him to his own doctor." With this she reached into her pocket and handed Kensi a prescription for pain killers. She turned back to Deeks and took her life into her own hands by brushing back the hair from his forehead and whispering. "You take care of yourself, you hear me?"
Deeks grinned up at her and nodded. Sam and Callen were trying to keep their faces straight as they watched the interaction of Kensi, Deeks and the nurse. The three of them watched the nurse walk away with a little more sway to her hips than absolutely necessary. Kensi looked back at Deeks, expecting him to be watching as well and found him staring at her instead. She reached out and pushed the same lock of hair off his forehead, a fruitless endeavor as it just flopped back down. He leaned into her hand and said "I'm sorry I tried to prank you with your fern, Fern." The sentence sent him off in a fit of giggles and the others had to smile with him. He was totally gone.
"It's okay Deeks. I knew it wasn't my fern. And I know that you know that."
"How'd you find out that I knew? Did the guys rat me out?"
"No. I managed to figure that out all by myself. This ends today. No more practical jokes for a while, okay?"
"Okay Fern." He giggled again and then yawned widely. "I'm tired."
He closed his eyes and Kensi shook him a little. "Deeks! Don't fall asleep. We need to get you out of here and home." He opened his eyes and nodded but promptly closed them again. She stared at him in exasperation, wondering how she was going to get him out to the car.
Sam took pity on her and said "Go sign him out Kens. Deal with any paperwork and between the three of us, we'll get him into your car. We'll follow you home and make sure he gets inside."
"Thanks you guys." She turned and made her way to the nurses station to find out what she needed to do and the guys looked back at Deeks who was now sound asleep, his mouth open a little.
Sam's face softened and he said quietly "He looks like a little kid, scruff or no scruff."
Callen grinned and replied "You going soft on me big guy?"
"No. Just thinking it could have been a lot worse. You heard the nurse, he got lucky." He reached out and patted Deeks calf. "We deal with bad guys all the time. We know we may not come back when we go out on a mission but he was just out picking up lunch."
"He's going to be fine. By tomorrow or the next day he'll be back to work annoying all of us."
Callen grinned at Sam who grinned back. Kensi returned with a bunch of paperwork and instructions on how to deal with his concussion. She'd tried to tell them that she could give them lessons in dealing with concussions but they'd insisted and she just gave up. A nurse followed her with a wheelchair and they were able to wake him up enough to get him into it. The guys stayed with him while she went to get the car. Between the three of them they managed to get him into the passenger seat of the Audi and buckled him in.
Once at their place, they wrestled him out and into the house. Getting him upstairs to the bedroom was a nonstarter so they parked him on the couch where he snuggled into the pillows and sighed, sound asleep once more. The guys hugged her and said their goodbyes, heading back to the office and the dreaded paperwork, telling her they would update Hetty and for her to call them if she needed anything.
After they left, she went upstairs and got a real pillow and blanket, carefully making him more comfortable. She sat on the coffee table and watched him for a while. She thought about the last few weeks and all the practical jokes they'd played on each other. She tried to remember the last time she'd been involved in anything like that and couldn't. Jack had been a good guy but he wasn't nearly as fun loving as Deeks. She smiled as she realized just how much fun he'd brought into her life. She'd never smiled as much, laughed as much as she did now and that was all on him. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to the bruise on his face and whispered "Sleep well my love. Thank you for bringing so much love and joy into my life."
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A/N – A couple of the pranks are ones I've actually pulled on people or had pulled on me, most specifically the stapler stunt on a co-worker. The tape really did let go and scared him half to death. I walked on eggshells for days until he got me with the phone trick.
Also, Kensi's hatred of rose water is actually based on mine. I love roses but find the concentrated strength of the perfume overpowering. Every year for Christmas, an elderly aunt would give me a bottle. I would thank her and tell her I loved it, not wanting to hurt her feelings, all the while planning on getting rid of it as soon as possible. Sure enough, next year there was the bottle of my "favorite" perfume under the tree.