== A.N. ==
This is another long one-shot that I wrote for my idiot *cough* I mean lovely friend because of their birthday. Yes I know it's late but I've been busy lately and I apologize.
I know you like to laugh your ass off at my retarded stories so I hope you like it.
I tried to make it funny but I don't know [:/]
Rated M for the cussing and some other things…
None of the characters belong to me just the story
I tried!
Now enough of this long-ass authors note
Onto the reading! Enjoy!
Let's have some fun
The Akatsuki were having a boring day with nothing to do, so someone had to come up with something to do before all of them died from boredom. Hidan, Tobi, Itachi, Kisame, and Zetsu were sitting in the living room waiting for something to happen. Itachi was pretending to be reading a book – he was actually reading a magazine about how sow dresses – (secretly he wanted to be a cloths designer) and what makes you the perfect wife (that had nothing to do with why he had bought the magazine he just wanted to learn how to sow but he still read the article about being the perfect wife, because why not right?). Kisame was playing with Samehada while thinking up new ways he could improve his training. Zetsu was staring at everyone observing them because he had nothing to do and Tobi was asking Hidan stupid questions while Hidan answered his dumb questions with even dumber answers.
"Why isn't the sun blue?" asked Tobi.
"Because the unicorns thought that if they turned the sun blue it would blend in with the sky and there would never be sunsets or sunrises anymore, plus how else are they supposed to get tans?" answered Hidan.
"Oh, I guess that makes sense. What about why the grass is green?" Tobi was feeling deeply concerned.
"The grasshoppers needed something to camouflage themselves from the tigers, have you ever seen a tiger eat a grasshopper? Exactly, it's because they had planned it that way." Replied Hidan to Tobi's question sounding very smart.
"Oh, I knew it had something to do with grasshoppers, they're always being sneaky. Why is Tobi named Tobi?"
"Well you see Tobi, there are many people in this world and everyone needs a name so your stupid parents gave you that name because they probably couldn't come up with a better one." said Hidan as-a-matter-of-factly.
"Wow not even Tobi knew that! You're so smart Hidan, um why is Kisame blue?"
"Because Kisame's hair isn't naturally blue and when he dyes his hair as he washes off the dye in the shower the dye gets attached to his skin making it blue. You know Tobi the process is actually very scientific, the dye attaches to his cells and it gets inside the nucleus and expands the dye making his skin semi-permanently blue for a month until Kisame dyes his hair again, right before his skin reverts to its natural color." Clarified Hidan.
"That's not true! My hair is completely natural I'm an actual azure and that scientific explanation sounds entirely retarded." Declared Kisame feeling utterly insulted.
"Whatever, by the way your roots are showing." Said Hidan mockingly while snickering, afterwards he stuck his tongue out at Kisame.
Normally Kisame would have let things go but he had nothing else to do so why not start a fight? Kisame contemplated the pros and cons about beating the shit out of Hidan and after a couple of minutes of thorough inspection he had decided that he didn't care and that he had postponed the ass whooping for too long. He was about to attack Hidan when all of the sudden Tobi spoke up.
"Tobi's got it!" declared Tobi enthusiastically.
"You have what?" asked Itachi in a bored tone.
"Tobi knows what to do so we don't die of boredom!" cheered Tobi.
"And what would that be dipshit." Remarked Hidan feeling skeptical about what Tobi might suggest.
"We should do prank calls!" noted Tobi proudly.
Black Zetsu was about to complain but he decided against it because they actually didn't have anything better to do.
"Do you even know how to put the phone on anonymous mode so they can't call it back?" pointed out Hidan, which surprised everyone – even Tobi – because Hidan was never the one to think ahead.
"Maybe?" responded Tobi lamely and everyone face planted at his answer but they didn't care because at least they knew how to do it.
"Whatever, let's just do this shit before I get any older." Commented black Zetsu bored out of his mind.
"Alright it's obvious that were all ok with doing this since we have nothing better to do so let's put the phone on anonymous and call someone" declared Kisame. "Any suggestions?"
Asked Kisame after realizing that they didn't actually even know who they were going to call in the first place, they all looked back and forth at each other frowning until Hidan's face lit up and he decided he'd be the one to start the game.
"Let's start with something easy to warm up," everyone was impressed at Hidan's vocabulary and at the absence of his ill comments but he then continued with his sentence "We'll fucking call the shitty pizza place that's a couple of miles from here and make a fake order and see if the dipshits fall for it and actually prepare the order." Hidan continued while his eyes were twinkling with malice and a smirk grazed at his face.
Itachi changed the number on the phone to private and looked through the phone book until he found the pizza delivery number. He dialed it, put the phone on speaker, and then passed the phone to Hidan. After two rings the pizza place answered.
"Jerry's pizza, good afternoon may I take your order?" the young man politely asked.
"I'd like to order a customized pizza." Hidan said trying to sound as polite as possible.
"Ok but just know that every different topping costs $2.50, is that alright?"
"Yes, it's quite alright. This is an old family recipe so I need you to write down every ingredient and when you are placing the toppings you have to place them in the order I tell them to you." Stated Hidan.
"Alright sir, I'm ready when you are." Responded the young man.
"Listen carefully, first you need to place a couple of anchovies on the dough, then you add grapes, you place a banana peel in the middle, place the pepperoni on the crust, squeeze 2 pickles on the pizza, and finally pour a cup of grape soda on top of the whole pizza." Said Hidan as seriously as possible.
"Ok, now where would you like us to send the pizza you ordered?"
"To the hotel named Oscar's Place to room 17, the hotel is relatively close to your pizzeria." Said Hidan. Kakuzu had been sent out in a mission and he stayed at that hotel. Hidan knew which hotel he was staying in and what room so he decided he would send him the pizza and let him pay for it with his precious money.
"Your pizza will be delivered in an hour, would you like anything else?" asked the young man.
"A 3 liter diet soda and I would like note that says ""I hope this makes you happy Kakuzu." On top of the box when it's delivered." Said Hidan calmly even if he was dying of laughter in the inside from just from imagining how Kakuzu's face would look like when he received the pizza.
"Sir, could you spell the last part please?"
"Of course, its K-a-k-u-z-u, did you get that?" asked Hidan innocently, he just wanted the conversation to end and find out about what would happen with Kakuzu later.
"Thank you and have a nice day, your pizza should arrive in 1 hour." Said the boy before he hung up.
"Ok now who wants to go next?" asked Hidan while he wearing a devious smile.
"ME! ME! ME!" screamed Tobi, he was really excited and wanted to try prank calling too.
"Ok." said Itachi as he dialed a random number. He then put the phone on speaker. When the phone started ringing he passed it to Tobi. After 2 rings a man picked up. Tobi gathered courage and spoke.
"I am a representative of the cooling industry I am calling to ask you a few questions, do you have a second?" asked Tobi innocently, sounding genuinely interested.
The Akatsuki present were just hoping Tobi wouldn't fuck up, except Hidan, Hidan was the only one hoping that Tobi would say something dumb that would really mess up his prank
'The stupid masked idiot should fuck up any second now, he he he, maybe he'll start crying' Hidan was openly smirking while cackling in his mind.
"Is your refrigerator running?"
Everyone rolled their eyes at Tobi's question; they thought his question was really dumb and they were annoyed at the fact that apparently this was the best prank he could come up with.
"Yes its running." Answered the man.
"Then you better go catch it!" said Tobi before he started cackling.
The man caught on and responded to Tobi.
"What are you, 12?" the man asked mockingly.
Obito wouldn't have anything like that so he sassed the man back.
"Yeah in a scale from 1 to 10 bitch!"
After saying that Tobi hung up the phone, everyone in the room was flabbergasted at the change in tone of Tobi's voice and at the comment; Hidan respected Tobi slightly more after hearing such words coming out of his mouth.
"Damn Tobi I didn't know you were so sassy." Teased Hidan winking at Tobi.
"Anyways it's someone else's turn to da a prank call, who wants to go next?"
Hidan quickly added trying to divert everyone's attention from his comment back to the task at hand – which was making prank calls.
"I'll do one." said white Zetsu in a monotone.
They were surprised that Zetsu would want to do a prank call, to put it simply, their curiosities were peaked.
"Alright, here. Don't drop it."
Itachi tossed the phone to Zetsu.
"Who are you going to prank call?" asked the azure, he was hoping it was someone he knew.
"I was thinking about pranking Orochimaru." Answered white Zetsu in an indifferent tone.
"Holy shit Zetsu you are taking our prank calls to another level, are you sure?"
Hidan was hoping that Zetsu was actually being serious and not just raising his hopes.
"Yes, I'm quite determined to pull this off." Said white Zetsu answering Hidan's question, after hearing Zetsu's statement Hidan visibly lit up.
"Haha get ready for the chaos!" cheered Hidan, "alright so who wants to bet on Zetsu failing miserably?"
Hidan was teasing Zetsu enjoying how his eyes narrowed at his comment.
Zetsu was annoyed by the albino's remark. He was in the same room and currently standing near him, did he not know it was rude to talk trash about people?
"Dick..."muttered black Zetsu under his breath as the Akatsuki started placing bets.
"Tobi thinks Zetsu can do it! Tobi wants to bet the $20 it took him 3 months to save up on Zetsu being able to pull it off!" declared Tobi as he shook the ball of singles and threw it at the albino.
"What the fuck?!" cackled Hidan as he accepted the money, "did you get this shit from stripping for money?!"
"No! Tobi gets money from Pein for being a good boy every month and Tobi saved up those dollars from the change Tobi got back from buying candy!" alleged Tobi while pouting (but of course no one could see it because of his mask, but his body language and the tone of his voice was good enough to let them know)
At Tobi's statement Zetsu chuckled, it was nice seeing that Tobi believed in him.
"Anyone else?" said Hidan after receiving 10 bucks from Kisame (he had betted that Orochimaru would find out it was Zetsu after the first minute), after he said that Itachi gave him 5 dollars stating that all the bets were wrong and something different from all their guesses would happen.
"Whatever, just shut up while I do the call." Grumbled black Zetsu as he glared at Hidan, he scowled as he dialed the number.
When the ringing started he set the phone to speaker so the rest could hear the full conversation. The ring sounded three times until Orochimaru answered.
"Speak."
Was the only word that Orochimaru had said, the dark tone Orochimaru used sent chills down Zetsu's spine?
"Hello?" asked white Zetsu in a childlike voice, the Akatsuki were impressed at how well he had changed his voice. They all wanted to see how this would turn out.
"Who is this?" asked Orochimaru, he was confused.
"Do you know where my mommy is?" asked white Zetsu in an innocent tone while he was mimicking a little boys voice.
"Are you alone little boy?" asked Orochimaru in a sweet tone. Everyone faces contorted in disgust at the tone Orochimaru had used.
"Well I was trying to call my mom because I'm alone and scared." Said black Zetsu. Hidan was quietly laughing at how stupid Orochimaru was acting.
"How old are you?" asked Orochimaru interested in what the "boy" might answer.
"I'm 8, would you like to be my friend?" asked white Zetsu never dropping the fake voice.
"Of course little boy." answered Orochimaru, all the Akatsuki listening to the conversation visibly shivered.
"Would you like to meet someone?" asked black Zetsu.
"Sure." Responded Orochimaru enthusiastically.
"Ok! Hold on while I call him!" Said white Zetsu knowing that his plan was coming near completion.
"Alright." Answered Orochimaru and Zetsu wondered why he hadn't protest or suspect anything.
"I'm back and here's the person I was talking to you about!" said white Zetsu - after staying in silence for a moment - still maintaining the child like voice, "WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MY CHILD YOUN PERVERT!" shrieked black Zetsu using a fake woman's voice.
Everyone almost shat bricks from the surprise of how quickly Zetsu's voice had changed, they had to suppress their laughter after they got over their shocks.
"Hold on now there's no need to scream you see this is all a misunderstanding." Answered Orochimaru in a nervous voice.
"HOW DO YOU DARE TELL ME TO CALM DOWN WHEN YOU ARE TALKING TO MY CHILD WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?!"
"Ma'am please calm down you've got this all wrong." Tried to reason Orochimaru while the Akatsuki were quietly laughing in the background.
"DO YOU THINK YOU CAN SILENCE MY RAGE SO EASILY …?"
Dial tone, Silence, Laughter.
After the word 'easily' Orochimaru gave up trying to reason with the enraged "woman" shrieking at him, so he just hung up. When that happened the room was filled with booming laughter from all the Akatsuki who were currently present.
"Haha what the fuck was that!?" asked Hidan, he didn't know Zetsu would come up with something like that.
"Yeah, when the hell did you come up with that!?"
Kisame was surprised that Zetsu would have done something like that.
"Tobi had faith in you, and you made it!"
Tobi cheered, he was proud of trusting his gut.
"I believe that you owe someone some money…" said black Zetsu cockily while smirking, he had a malicious glint in his eyes.
'Shit, I was hoping plant-face would have had forgotten about the money' thought Hidan.
"Well fair is fair even if it means I have to give the money to fuckface over here."
Hidan growled as he handed the money to Tobi grudgingly and shot daggers at Zetsu.
"Yay!" Tobi was overjoyed "Tobi has money!"
He cheered as he jumped up and down waving the money, everyone – but Zetsu – glared at Tobi; meanwhile Tobi was too absorbed into showing off his newly acquired money to notice the daggers that were being shot at him.
"I want a turn."
Simply stated Kisame as he reached for the phone, before he could grab a hold of the small device Itachi dialed a random number and put the phone on speaker so they could yet again listen to the conversation, after a couple of seconds someone answered.
"Lucy's shop what can I get you?" asked a feminine and cheerful voice.
"What do you sell?" asked Kisame confused yet curious about what the woman may answer.
"Well we sell many articles of clothing and have a large variety of toys." Replied casually the woman "would you like to know today's specials?"
Apparently it was an adult shop.
Kisame went a dark purple but nonetheless he continued the call not giving up.
"Sure."
Replied Kisame trying to compose himself from the shock of discovering what the place was that he had just called.
"Ok so we have some lingerie that is 50% off that varies in colors and in sizes and some toys that in the purchase of $15 dollars you can get a free item that is a surprise for you and that special someone."
After hearing the woman's words everyone's faces turned red and a dusting of pink appeared on the top of their ears; except Hidan which stood in the corner of the room – so the woman wouldn't hear him – quietly laughing his ass off at Kisame's misfortune.
"I think I'll just purchase 2 toys and a bra along some panties both with lacing."
They were all shocked at how confident and calmed Kisame sounded, they were afraid to find out why he knew how to order things from such place with that much ease, they decided not to ask, afraid of what the answer might be.
The thing is that Kisame was still scared about talking to a woman about such things, but he was able to pull it off because he had an ulterior motive that justified his actions.
"Ok that will be $20 dollars and that includes your free gift, will that be all?"
"Yes."
"Oh, also what color did you want them to be, I mean the lingerie."
"A sparkly emerald if you don't mind."
"Of course, um, were would you want me to send it to?"
"To Oscar's place to room 17, could you do something for me?"
"Sir?"
"On the box of lingerie could you write a note that says "because it matches your beautiful eyes" please?"
"Oh, sure" answered the woman "how would you like to pay?"
"Charge it to my credit card."
"Thank you for buying from Lucy's shop, have a nice day."
"Bye."
"Bye." After she said that she hung up.
When the call ended Kisame chuckled and Hidan started laughing loudly. The Akatsuki in the room who weren't laughing felt afraid to ask what they found so amusing.
"What's so funny?" asked Itachi "you did just spend 20 bucks on some crap you didn't even want."
Itachi had said what they were all thinking, well except Hidan and Kisame, who somehow found their current situation amusing.
"The place I sent it to, didn't it sound familiar?"
Kisame was trying to hint to them to who he had sent the things to, but they weren't catching on, based on their expressions, they seemed lost.
"…"
It looked like he had to explain because if they kept thinking that hard they might hurt themselves.
"It's Kakuzu's hotel room."
It took them a while to process the information, when they caught on they joined Hidan in his laughing fit.
"What. The. Fuck."
Black Zetsu didn't know why he had spent money on Kakuzu.
"What?"
Kisame didn't know why Zetsu had reacted that way.
"Why did you spend 20 bucks on Kakuzu?"
"Oh, right. Well it's because I didn't want to wimp out on the lady, so I asked for the things and since I didn't want it, I sent it to Kakuzu since Hidan had already sent him the pizza."
"What a waste of money…"
"True, but my only regret was not seeing Kakuzu's face."
"Yup."
"Itachi, wanna go next?"
Tobi was asking Itachi because out of all of them he was the only one who hadn't done a prank call yet.
"Nah, I was just in for it to see you all make asses out of yourselves."
Itachi declined with a smug grin. Everyone glared at Itachi but he didn't care.
"Well I guess that's enough of that, you guys wanna go watch a movie?"
Suggested Kisame and everyone nodded, they walked to Itachi's and his room to choose the movies. They were all scary movies, none of them wanted to watch other types of movies. Tobi noticed that they were all scary movies, so he ran to his room and grabbed his favorite movie so at least they could watch something he liked.
"Tobi wants to watch this!"
Said Tobi as he waved the DVD case of "The SpongeBob Squarepants movie" in the air, at the sight of the movie everyone's faces – well except Tobi – contorted into horror-stricken ones.
"Hell, no!" Hidan did not want to watch that movie "Put that shit back, were not sitting through that shit!"
"I have an idea." Whispered Zetsu to Itachi.
Black Zetsu had an evil plan for Tobi's movie.
"What is it?"
"Let's see who can make it the longest through Tobi's movie."
Zetsu was wearing a malicious grin, while imagining his nefarious plan being set into motion. If he was being honest, the only reason he wanted to let them go through that was because he wanted to get them back for the bets. But either way he didn't care.
"Wanna place some bets?"
Itachi could be sadistic at times and he enjoyed watching the idiots he worked with grimace from time to time.
"Ye."
Zetsu couldn't care less about the others he just found their misery amusing.
"Hey guys how about we bet on who can last longer watching Tobi's movie?"
Suggested Itachi, he wanted to be subtle and make it look like an innocent bet. This was a good day for him he could watch his associates act like retards.
"Eh, if we're going to be forced to watch that shit, might as well place some bets."
Hidan had given into the suggestion, he was looking forward to torturing the morons he worked with. The rest of the Akatsuki nodded.
"Tobi you're not allowed to bet because you're the one who wants to watch this."
Itachi didn't want to let Tobi make easy money out of their misery, if anyone was going to do that it was going to be him. Tobi just pouted, he was looking forward to receiving more money; he obeyed and moved to put on the movie.
Everyone – except Tobi – had paid 10 dollars and taken their places on the couch or on the floor next to the couch. After the first 15 minutes Hidan passed out from brain trauma, meanwhile Kisame was complaining about how unrealistic the movie was, Tobi was happily enjoying the movie and Itachi and Zetsu were blankly staring at the TV.
After some time, the scene where Patrick and SpongeBob started getting dried under the lamp started, Kisame started crying. After a few minutes he continued crying and passed out from the grief – if that even makes sense. Tobi cheered after the tear from both SpongeBob and Patrick started a fire and the fire alarm sounded making the water sprinklers go off, which brought every animal that had been dried came back to life. (A.N.: if you've seen the movie you get it, if you didn't sorry it may sound confusing…)
Itachi was bored and Zetsu wasn't paying attention anymore, he was just staring at the changing colors in the TVs screen.
When the movie ended Kakuzu came home – the Akatsuki base. He was confused from the sight he had walked into. Hidan was passed out on the floor, Kisame was also passed out and it looked like he had been crying, Itachi and Zetsu were passed out next to each other on the couch –they had passed out from psychological trauma just before the ending of the movie-, and Tobi was sitting in front of the TV.
"Hello Kakuzu! How was your mission?"
The cheerful tone Tobi had used exceeded sickly sweet, Kakuzu felt uncomfortable, his mission had gone alright but he received a creepy gift and had to pay for a shitty pizza.
"Don't want to talk about it."
Nope there was no chance he would speak about it. Tobi had a satisfied grin behind his mask and his eyes were sparkling with delight, yup he knew how his day had gone.
The End!
== A.N. ==
What did you think? (:D) I hope you liked it! Because you know it took me a long time to write this… anyways just so you know I'm planning to write an epilogue to this to show the point of view of the people who got prank called! What do you think? Is it something you would like to read? Yes? No? Leave me a comment. Anyways favorite, review, follow, do all that jazz.
Um well that's it, if you want me to write something just tell me and I'll try to write it and post it as soon as possible
Bye! Remember I love you! And know that even though I go missing, I'm still alive!
Thanks for reading, here have some candy *gives you a bag of goodies*