Older Brother
Hello! Wow...it's been a long time, huh? Well I apologize, but I just haven't had the motivation to update anything. All of my stuff is crap compared to other people's works. Idk. I'll get around to it eventually. But anyways, I recently spent the better part of two hours the other day crying about the fact that I don't have an older brother. Laugh if you must, but I'm dead serious. I want an older brother, and unfortunately will never have one. But what inspired all of this is because I have a ton of older male cousins, yet none of them fit the role, but I just have a lot of issues every time I come into contact with them because of unresolved issues in me. We have good relationships, but it just makes me all the more envious. So yeah. Enjoy!
She'd really done it now. Her first time ever commanding a squadron of fighters, and she blew it. She trudged back to her quarters, determined to hide her shame inside. It was one thing to get all of your men killed, things tend to happen in a war zone, but it was another to disobey direct orders. And that's exactly what she had done. Opening her door, she went to her bed and lie down, trying to keep away the tears threatening to form. She had disobeyed orders, to start, trying to prove how capable she was. Fat chance that anyone thought of her as capable now, when all of her men were dead. As if that wasn't bad enough, she had hurt Admiral Yularen, and made a total fool out of herself. But what hurt worse was his disappointment. He could try to hide it all he wanted, but she saw it in his eyes. He was disappointed in her, and the guilt was killing her.
For years now, all she had tried to do was to prove herself worthy enough to even be a Padawan, let alone take on a huge responsibility. She was just a stupid kid, and Anakin was probably embarrassed of her, especially now. The first chance you get to show your stuff, and you tank it, she thought to herself. He already finds you annoying, why set him off like that? Why else should he have sent you to your room like a child? And that was just it, he saw her as a child. Sure, she was only fifteen, but she had always tried to act more mature. She had to, she was the commander in an army for force's sake! But after today, there was no way that anyone would see her other than stupid and immature. She had slipped up once, and it was going to cost her her reputation, and it was unfair. Again with thinking like a child, she thought, it's unfair. What would it take for Anakin to see her differently? Why couldn't she live up to standards like other Padawans? She had always felt like the odd ball of the bunch, and she had yet again proven it to herself. And to him, she thought bitterly. She didn't know why, but she had always felt like there was some level of conflict every time she was near him.
Things would start out smoothly, and eventually she would do something stupid and mess it all up. Even if she assumed he had forgotten, she knew she wouldn't. Not for a long time. She would then just spend the rest of the time hating on herself, trying to redeem herself. She often wondered what he thought of her. She hoped he thought of her as fondly as she thought of him. He was a great role model, yet he was still rough around the edges. She loved him like a sibling, but for some reason, there was always an underlying feeling that she had to impress him. Forgetting the guilt for a brief moment, she smiled. Is this what its like to have an older brother?