Chapter 1: Underwater [Tegan]

I don't really know when I first started to see Sara differently. I just remember admiring how she looked in tight jeans one day, and realizing how beautiful her smile was another day. I'm not sure exactly when I started to think that the way she flipped her hair out of her eyes was really cute, or exactly when the way her throat strained when she sang turned me on. Maybe I'd always felt this way about Sara- she had always been beautiful to me. I'm just not exactly sure when my heart and mind and body decided that I thought she was beautiful in more ways than one, in a non-sisterly way. I'm not sure when I stopped being disgusted by the rumors that we were together, and started becoming intrigued by them. I'm not sure when my heart started racing whenever Sara walked into a room, or every time she smiled at me, or touched me in the most innocent of ways- an accidental brush in the cramped bus quarters, or a light touch on the shoulder for reassurance, or her hand on my back as we walked on stage. I'm not sure when my pulse first started to jump when we were alone in a room together, or when my mouth couldn't find words to say around her. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I'm not really sure when I first fell in love with Sara. All I'm really sure of is that I love her, with every fiber of my being.

"Tegan, have you seen my blue skinny jeans?" I heard Sara call across the bus.

I put my book against my chest and looked down at the blue skinny jeans I was wearing. "Um. No?" I called back.

"Are you sure? I can't find them anywhere."

"Uh, yeah, I'm sure." I picked back up my book as I heard Sara's footsteps.

I saw Sara stop at the doorway to the back lounge out of the corner of my eye. She crossed her arms and leaned against the door frame. "Tegan."

I cleared my throat and didn't look away from my book. "Yeah, Sara?"

"You're wearing my pants."

"Really?" I put my book back down on my chest and feigned surprise as I looked at my legs in her jeans. "Oh, well would you look at that. I am. How did that happen?" I carefully avoided Sara's eyes.

"Tegan."

I finally looked up at her. "Found your jeans, Sara." I smiled a gummy smile at her.

"Oh, ha ha. Very funny, Tegan." I watched as Sara tried to keep a straight face, but a smile broke through. "Give me back my pants." She held out a hand.

"What, just take them off, right here?"

"If you want. I mean, you can go change in the bathroom if you feel the need. Just give me back my pants."

I sighed deeply making sure she could see my frustration. I put my book down and stood up. I unbuckled my belt and pulled it off. I unbuttoned the jeans and peeled them off (Sara was a little smaller than me, and so her pants were a little tighter).

I put them in Sara's outstretched hands and walked past her to the closet.

I heard her quiet, almost silent laugh, and then she said, "Oh, Tegan? You forgot something."

"What?" I asked as I pulled on a new pair of jeans.

She snorted. "Your dignity."

"Very funny, Sara. Thanks." I rolled my eyes as she laughed again.

"What? I thought it was funny! It was clever!" she said indignantly.

I walked back into the lounge and picked up my book. I flopped down on the couch and put my feet up.

Sara came over, picked up my legs, sat down, and then put my legs back down on top of hers. "Whatcha reading?"

"That one book you told me to read, Hotel New Hampshire." I tried to make my heartbeat slow- it had started pounding, just from the simple, innocent contact between Sara and me.

"Oh yeah, how do you like it?"

"It's pretty good so far, I see why you recommended it."

I was probably reading too far into the meaning behind her recommendation. There was an incestual relationship between two characters in the book. Sara had told me she really liked the book, and thought I would too, and that I should read it. Was she trying to tell me something? Was she trying, in her own awkward, shy, way to tell me that she felt a little more than sisterly love towards me?

No. Of course she wasn't. It was stupid of me to even entertain the thought.

But…what if…what if she did feel the same?

I made a split second decision that I would probably regret.

"Hey, Sara? Can I talk to you about something?" I closed the book and swung my legs off the couch.

"Yeah, sure. What's up?" She brought her legs up, "criss-cross applesauce" style.

I felt my hands start to get sweaty, so I wiped them on my pants and took a deep breath.

"What's wrong, Tegan? Why are you nervous?"

She knew me so well-my palms always got sweaty when I was nervous.

I decided to just come out with it.

"I-I love you, Sara. A lot." I said to my knees.

I saw her tilt her head in confusion. "I love you too, Tegan."

Now I was confused. Did she just not understand? Or was she playing dumb?

I decided to take my chances-I don't know why, I knew I was going to regret this whole situation- and scooted closer to Sara.

I looked up at Sara, cleared my throat, and opened my mouth to speak. The words got lost in my throat as my eyes met Sara's beautiful hazel ones.

Heat of the moment seized me, and I did something that no one in their right mind should ever do.

I kissed my sister.

It wasn't anything hot or steamy. It didn't last long. But it was sweet. I had always known that Sara's mouth would fit perfectly with mine.

Something I hadn't seen coming was Sara's reaction.

Her shock froze her there for a moment, and then she pushed me away rather violently. I fell onto my back on the couch as she stood up. I couldn't read the look in her eyes, but her face betrayed her- she was confused and angry.

"What the fuck was that, Tegan!" she yelled.

I pushed myself back up into a sitting position.

"I-I don't-Sara, I-" I stuttered.

"God, Tegan! I just- I don't even know what to do right now! How long have we been trying to fight these rumors- how could you even- I just-" she paced back and forth quickly.

I put my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands.

"How long have you felt- no, don't answer that, I don't want to know. I just- I can't even look at you right now, Tegan. I just- I need to- we'll talk about this later."

I looked up in time to see her storming away. I heard her muttering and slamming something around. I wasn't like there was anywhere she could go- we were on a moving bus.

What had I just done?

I had just fucked everything up, that's what I'd done.