There she was again, staring at the fire in front her eyes as the world drifted off hours later from the infected world. Alone. That's the only word that came across her mind and described her tonight as she hugged her legs crutched against her chest. She had been like that for almost three days every night wondering what went wrong. If she had done something she shouldn't have done or if she should have done something but she never did in the first place to cause her so much pain like this. She wanted to cry but no tears rolled down her rosy cheeks. Her eyes are dried as the world they are living now. She wanted to scream but no words came out. She's tired. Yes, she's tired of everything. Tired from being strong and tired from smiling when your heart is already empty. It's like breathing every day but not really living at all. Empty. When was the last time she hadn't felt emptiness in her stomach as well as in her heart? When was the last time she hadn't felt fear for caring for someone?
She's tough and strong willed just like what her friends say. She knew that. She knew that all along. Because if she isn't, she wouldn't come this far. They wouldn't have come this far. But what they didn't know is that she's already crumbling. Struggling. She's struggling to survive, to protect the people that matters to her and who looks up to her from this decaying barren wasteland. So tonight, she let herself be vulnerable once again like the way she always does when she was young when she lost something so special to her or when her brother teases her resulting for her to cry in the arms of her loving mother. She let her mind drifted to the part where she was carefree with nothing to worry about. She let the moon and stars watched her as her heart begins to shatter in millions of pieces. Most importantly, she let herself be human and feel human again.
It's funny when you're a different person in day and night. At daylight, she's this smiling person with lots of answer to every questions the members of the convoy are throwing at her. She's this stoic leader with strategies and with lots of ways of knowing everything in every kind of situation. But when night consumed the decaying land, she always became lost. Lost. She's lost inside. Every now and then, she always fights her own haunting demons. She's always fighting her inner thoughts because as a matter of fact, she just wants to give up and lay still on the sand and close her eyes as eternity takes her, her life and her soul. But she couldn't. She shouldn't because there are still people who needs her and counting to her that she will lead them to safety.
It wasn't that long that she's alone in the campfire when the additional member of the convoy came by and sat beside her. This is the least night she really wanted a company. She just wanted to be alone. Alone with only herself and with her own thoughts. And at the same time, she wanted to someone to understand her. No. it is more than that. She needs someone to comfort her and tell everything will be alright. To her surprise, the brunette beside her didn't even say a single word as both of them sat in silence and watched the dancing fire in front their eyes. It's as if, her new companion sensed her need to be alone figuratively but not literally.
"Are you alone?" the brunette asked. She did no looked at the redhead sitting beside her. Her voice was husky but clear enough for the redhead to hear but she didn't get any response. Her companion didn't even bother to give her a look. Then she tried once again. "Are you hurt?" this time, the redhead's brows knitted together, she didn't really fully understand the question she was being asked. She opened her mouth to speak and ask what was the question all about because obviously she's not alone for she's sitting with her and not hurt, well at least… physically she isn't.
"No." the redhead softly replied. Then she looked at the fire again. The brunette seemed to accept her answer as she nodded at her slowly. What the hell was that? The redhead thought. Then they sat in comfortable silence again. The redhead's thoughts shifted from her own to the woman sitting right beside her now as the latter looked and studied intently the convoy leader.
She is alone and hurt. The brunette thought. From the looks of companion tonight compared to the woman she's seeing in daylight, she could say, the other is in bad shape in emotional state. They say, the one who cares too much to others is actually the one who needs comfort the most. And they are right for the woman beside her is in agony and pain but how does she do that? Faking smile, pretending to be tough, giving every one hopes when actually she is the one who needs encouragement. And that she's the one who need to be told that she's not alone. That it's okay to be hurt.
From the moment she met the convoy leader, she found nothing but a lost human living in an empty shell. That's the way she described her because when she looked at those cold blue eyes when she shook her hand, she found nothing but emptiness and blankness. Sure she makes friendly conversation when she's resting from her duties. She smiles at every one like everything is alright. But there's one word that came across her mind. Fake. Yes, she noticed that the redhead's been faking everything. Her smile. Most especially, her emotions. Why does she do that? Of course she knows the answer. She had been doing that also for a long time now. Faking everything. Faking she doesn't need comfort. Faking that she doesn't care about everybody. Faking her own feelings. Out of curiosity. She dared asked her again. "Claire… are you afraid?"
Suddenly, the redhead's gaze focus on the brunette one. Cold blue eyes met lazy green eyes. She didn't tear her eyes at the brunette. Her question shocked her a little. Then, it finally hit her. Her previous questions were not asked literally but figuratively. "Are you alone?" yes she was alone. She was alone for since when she couldn't quite figure out. She was alone because no one seems to understand. No one notices her pain. No one sees the true her. Her struggles. Her being lost. Her own demons. No one dared to bother and ask her if she's okay. No one. "Are you hurt?" yes. She's hurting. She's hurting ever since. Ever since she stopped caring for herself and ever since she started caring for others.
"No." she replied softly again but still, didn't tear her eyes at the brunette. The latter just shrugged and the redhead didn't know if her companion accepted her answer or not because for the redhead, it is apparent to the brunette here real answer. Her real answer.
"Next time I ask you again. Please tell me the truth and answer honestly. You just need to... begin again." The older woman stood up and started walking, not glancing back at the convoy leader.
Their conversation was short. But it felt long enough and was worth a lot to the convoy leader. She knew all along that the brunette knew what she really felt. From the moment she laid her eyes on her, she felt vulnerable, and naked in the other woman's observant eyes. She got this eerie feeling that the other woman can really see through other people's feelings and emotions. And she was right, she was right when the brunette didn't accept her answers to her questions.