Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters. I just have fun playing with them.
This is another crack!fic. There are references to my previous offering The Fan Returns, which itself is based on ME Wofford's Fear The Fan. You may want to read those first in order to understand some of the references in this one. It is rated
T for some language and sexual references.
This story is dedicated to ME Wofford and to ltjvt1026 who tells Leroy Jethro Gibbs and Mike Franks stories that ring with the truth.
My thanks to elflordsmistress who helped me with story line, spelling, punctuation and grammar. I'm sure she smiles while marking up my pages, just as my 10th grade English teacher did. Any remaining errors are mine alone.
The Fan At Large
Gibbs was busy on his computer keyboard when the phone rang so instead of picking up the receiver he quickly pushed the speaker button. "Yeah, Gibbs."
"Special Agent Gibbs, this is LT Spenser, private investigator for the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe."
DiNozzo snorted, "The three stooges. Great play on words. Wonderful movie, but they never said Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, they used Dewey, Burnam and Howe. Also had a Stooges poster – good stuff!"
Gibbs shot him a glare to shut him up. "Yeah, Mr. Spenser?"
"Call me LT, please. We have been retained to locate a missing woman."
"How can NCIS help?"
"Our principals told us that for the last few months she has been talking continuously about NCIS and somebody who works there named TIVA."
Tony's head shot up, his eyes wide, nostrils flared and his mouth hung open. Ziva watched Tony in amazement at his obvious concern. McGee also looked at Tony but with a smirk on his face and then he said, "That law firm does have a website, boss. Offices in New York."
Gibbs spoke into the speaker phone, obviously becoming frustrated, "Mr. Spenser, who are your principals? What makes them think we can help?"
"A father and daughter, Paul and Ellie Farwell. Evidently the daughter is very attached to her aunt and from a recent conversation, believes that her aunt may be stalking this TIVA person that works for NCIS."
"I still don't see how we can help."
"Mr. and Ms. Farwell believe his sister could have visited your offices within the past few weeks and maybe even paid a visit to one of your agents in his home recently."
Tony's eyes got even wider as he shook his head. "This cannot be happening," he thought to himself.
McGee's smile got larger. Ziva looked at McGee and mouthed, "What's going on?"
"When would she have visited our offices?"
"Not sure, exactly. Would a description help?"
"Maybe."
Before the description could begin, Ducky exited the elevator, removing his trench coat and listening to the man on the speaker phone as he strode toward the bullpen.
"She's a fairly tall woman, almost six feet tall. Silver hair cut short so that it fits her head like a cap. Blue eyes that seem to always have a smile in them, unless she's really angry. Ms. Farwell tells me that recently her aunt has started wearing bright red cowboy boots and western spurs even with her dresses."
Tony remembers those eyes…those angry eyes…and those cowboy boots with spurs…he doesn't want to think about the rest of the garb he remembers. McGee is still watching Tony and smiling. He's heard the story. Made Tony tell him the full story before he'd remove the handcuffs from Tony' wrists. He even heard about the cowboy boots and spurs. Ziva finally spoke up, "Tim, what is going on? Why are you smiling at Tony like that. And Tony why are you acting like you have seen a goblin?"
"A ghost, Ziva," said Tim automatically.
Ducky said, "Ah, I remember her, the kissing lady, and she even dipped me. It reminds me of a time in my youth when at a public house in London, I was approached by a tall, blonde woman who said she wanted…"
"Ducky!"
"Oh, sorry. I do remember that kiss though. Best I've had in forty years!"
"Mr. Spenser, I'll have to get back to you, what's your number?" asked Gibbs.
"Let me call you, Agent Gibbs. I'm gonna be out of the office for a while doing some looking of my own. She's probably not up here, but I can charge the Farwell's for a trip to the local diner anyway, right? I'll call back in about an hour, okay"
Gibbs pressed the release button without saying another word.
Tony started talking immediately, "Boss, did you recognize that description? That's that woman who came in here and slapped you so hard you almost came out of the chair! Then she came over here and told me I was pathetic. She said something to Probie, too, then she told Abby to grow up. That's when she kissed Ducky. You remember, Boss?"
NEW YORK CITY
"You hear all that, ME?"
"Yes, I did. Putting all of us on a conference call was a pretty good idea even if I say so myself."
"I really don't feel good about this. If anyone catches me on the phone especially long distance, I could lose this security gig. Just because I have access to the phone exchange for the building while I'm here does not mean I have total use of everything."
"Get it together, man. I can make a trip to New York just as easily as I can go to D.C. and where ever I go, my bull whip goes. I mean it! Now you've got a couple of burn phones like I told you, right?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"All right, soon as you get off shift, call Gibbs' direct line again. Tell him my pathetic brother and his darling daughter are turning over heaven and earth to find me. Tell him NCIS has got to help and the best way to do that is to make TIVA happen! You got that?"
"Yes, just like we talked about before. After I do that, you'll let me off the hook, right? I don't owe you anything else, right?"
"You be ready. I'll tell you when you're off the hook, buddy, and it ain't yet! I'll be in touch. Bye."
LT hung up the phone and put away the head set slowly. He knew he would continue to do what ME required. He had bet against her and lost and now she was collecting, big time. He couldn't do anything else. He owed her too much. Just as he finished clearing the desk his relief walked into view. "Damn, I'm glad this shift is over. Maybe if I can get this done today, she'll leave me alone for a while, quit nagging me for a few days."
NAVY YARD, WASHINGTON D.C.
Ziva had her hands flat on Tony's desk as she leaned toward him, "What is going on, Tony? I am your partner. Tell me. Perhaps I can help."
"Back off, David," said Gibbs. "I'll ask the questions. I want to know the answers just as much as you do."
He could feel Leon Vance coming down the staircase behind him and he could see Abby and Palmer in his peripheral vision. The whole damn shootin' match was gathering for this one – just as if they were sharks smelling blood in the water. "This better be good," thought Gibbs, but his gut was telling him that there was nothing good about it.
"What's going on, Gibbs?" asked Vance.
"Not sure yet, Leon, just gettin' started here."
Gibbs stared hard at Tony. "DiNozzo, what did Spenser mean about that woman visiting one of my agents at home recently?"
"Uhh…I don't know, boss?"
"You sound like McGee did two years ago with all that umming and ahhing. Tell me what happened, now!"
"What makes you think anything happened to me, boss? I haven't done anything wrong. Why pick on me?"
"DiNozzo, did that white haired woman come to your apartment? Yes or no?"
"Yes, boss."
"When?"
"Three nights ago." Tony was hanging his head as if in shame.
"What happened, DiNozzo?" Gibbs was unrelenting.
"I don't know…somehow she drugged me or something cause when she woke me up I was hand cuffed to the bed and she was cracking a bull whip over me."
"What?" said Gibbs and Vance simultaneously.
"It's true. She cracked the whip, then she hit me across the thighs with it to be sure I was completely awake. Then she started talking about TIVA."
"Who the hell is TIVA?" shouted Gibbs, his face getting red with anger.
Abby stepped forward. "TIVA is the term some writers of fan fiction use to describe the characters Tony and Ziva in the romance stories they write about NCIS."
"Why would anyone write fan fiction about an armed federal agency?" asked Vance.
"They like us," explained Abby. "There's a TV show on that portrays NCIS in action and there is a true life NCIS case every week on that new detective channel. Somehow, some of the fans have found out who we are and they write about us."
"You mean like McGee's book?" asked Gibbs.
"Yep. I even saw a story on there the other day with the title, Deep Six Unexpurgated, written by some guy using the alias McGee's Muse, so they even write about Timmy's novel."
"Really?" asked Tim. "That's pretty cool, right?"
Gibbs cut him off, "What happened then, DiNozzo?"
All the while Ziva had been sitting quietly listening to the conversation with a smile on her face. She was obviously pleased about something but was not saying a word.
"Well, boss, she told me that I should tell Ziva I love her and that we should make love or she was going to come back to my apartment with an army and force us to do it while they watch." DiNozzo shuddered at the memory.
Ziva mistook Tony's reaction and said, "Would having sex with me be such a terrible thing Tony that you shake at the thought?"
"No, Ziva. But you didn't see the evil in that woman's eyes. You didn't hear the threat that she would bring others with her to make sure we did it. It was not fun, I can tell you!"
Vance asked, "How did you get out of the cuffs?"
"I let him out," said McGee.
"And just how did you get involved in his mess?"
"The mystery woman called me and told me that I should go to Tony's apartment and release him."
"That didn't sound a little hinky to you, McGee?" asked Gibbs.
"Well, yeah it did, but she was very persuasive and she told me to keep it to myself cause Tony wouldn't want anyone to know he'd been overcome by some middle aged woman. So I decided to check it out for myself."
"How did you get in?"
"I was ready to pick the lock, but I tried the door first, and it was unlocked."
Tony jumped in, "She told me she was gonna call Probie, and that he and I could try to figure out how she got in and handcuffed me and everything."
"…and did you?"
"No prints, Gibbs. We dusted everything," said McGee.
"We didn't find any trace evidence that we could give to Abby, so we…I decided to just keep it quiet and not bother you with it," DiNozzo chimed in.
"Anthony, have you had any residual effects from the visit?" asked Ducky.
"No, not really. I have been going to sleep earlier than usual and sleeping all the way through the night the past couple of nights, but nothing other than that."
Ducky and Gibbs looked at one another in a knowing way.
Gibbs said, "Did you ever think she might have drugged you, DiNozzo? What have you been eating and drinking at home? Did you bring any of that to Abby to check?"
"No. I never thought of it. I was so embarrassed that an almost naked woman got into my apartment and cracked a whip over me, that it just never crossed my mind."
"What about you, McGee?" asked Vance.
"No. I was so disconcerted I forgot to check."
"You say she was half naked, Anthony? Tell us what she was wearing," said Ducky.
Tony blushed bright red. Ziva saw his embarrassment and laughed out loud.
"I'm glad you're getting your jollies out of this, Zee-vah. It wasn't that funny, I can tell you."
Ziva looked at Abby and mouthed, "Jollies?" Under her breath Abby said, "Tell you later." They both looked back at DiNozzo expectantly, waiting for his story.
"Well my boy, spill the beans, so to speak," said Ducky.
"Okay. She was all in red except the black stockings." Ducky's eyebrows raised almost precariously high.
"Go on."
"She had on those red cowboy boots and they must have had spurs on them cause when she squatted down by the bed to talk to me she jumped right back up saying that she always forgot about the spurs." Tony blushed again. Ziva laughed again. Tony continued, "She had on one of those lace up corsets with garter straps and a thong. That's all – corset, thong, boots and stockings."
"My, my…and she gave me the best kiss in forty years," Ducky said wonderingly. "I think I'd like to meet her again."
"Enough!" again Gibbs and Vance spoke almost as one.
"McGee, get DiNozzo's key. Go to his apartment and get all food and drinks and bring them back here for Abby to test," said Gibbs.
"What about me, boss?" asked DiNozzo.
"I'm not done with you."
"Whatcha waitin' for, McGee? Get outta here!"
"But, boss, what if she's there – hanging out – watching? Don't I need a partner?" asked McGee.
"Take Palmer." Gibbs said with disdain that suggested he did not take the woman seriously.
McGee and Palmer left after Tony handed over his keys. His head was hanging as if he were very tired. Gibbs could hear him muttering, "She told me to tell Ziva how I feel. How do I feel? How does Ziva feel? She can't expect me to just jump into bed with Ziva, can she?" On and on he blathered. Gibbs could see that Ziva was listening too.
The phone on Gibbs desk began to ring again. "Yeah, Gibbs."
"Agent Gibbs, LT Spenser here. Ms Farwell has been in touch with me again and she's very worried for her aunt."
"Does that LT stand for something?" asked Gibbs.
"Sure it stands for something. My name."
"So what's your name, LT?" Gibbs asked derisively.
"If you think being a boy named Sue would be tough to live with, try living with Laverne. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Now, can I continue?"
Gibbs was smiling. "Sure go ahead."
"Ms Farwell suggested that if you can get TIVA to acknowledge her aunt that she might regain her senses and go back home. Once she is home, Ms Farwell can get her the care she needs."
"Got any other leads?"
"Nothing. Could I speak to TIVA? Ask about communication with the missing woman?"
"No. We'll handle it."
"Handle what? All my principals want is to locate a missing woman. If Agent TIVA can do that, why not help?"
"There is no TIVA!" said an exasperated Gibbs as he gestured to Vance.
"Mr. Spenser, this is Leon Vance, Director of NCIS. I must ask you for the identity of the missing woman. It is likely she has assaulted at least two of my agents." No reply came.
"Mr. Spenser? The name?"
"Sorry, director no can do. Gotta go. Bye."
"McGee that call come in from the same line?" asked Vance.
Ziva replied, "McGee left with Palmer, director, but I have traced the call. That one came from an unregistered cell phone somewhere in New York. I wasn't able to pin point the location."
"Burn phone. Gibbs, I don't like the way this is shaking out. Take care of this." Vance walked away unwrapping a toothpick and placing it in the side of his mouth.
NEW YORK CITY
LT tossed the recently used cell phone into a trash bin, and pulled another one from his jacket pocket. He dialed the memorized number.
"LT, you make that call?" asked ME without a preliminary hello.
"Yes, but it didn't go well. Gibbs put the director on the phone and he started asking who you were."
"Did you convince Gibbs that TIVA needs to happen now?"
"What do you mean, needs to happen? I thought TIVA was a person."
"Oh, hell. I'll have to do it myself. You stay available. You did not complete this mission. You still owe me. You hear me?"
"Yes, ma'am," he said dejectedly. "I'll be available."
NAVY YARD, WASHINGTON D.C.
Tony was still at his desk muttering to himself when his cell phone rang. He automatically reached for it, but before he could open it Gibbs says, "Check it first DiNozzo. On speaker."
Tony opened the phone and checked the caller ID. He shook his head at Gibbs, pushed the speaker button and placed the phone on his desk. "Special Agent DiNozzo," he answered hesitantly.
CRACK!
"You hear that, DiNozzo? You recognize the sound of my whip?"
"Uhh…yes."
"You haven't done what I want. Get busy. I'm not gonna wait all season."
Gibbs stepped closer to Tony's desk before he said, "Who is this? What do you want?"
"Butt out, Gibbs! You did help save Ziva, but you are not the one who needs to take action now, so just back off! This is between me and Tony…and Ziva." The voice on the phone got noticeably softer, "sweet Ziva."
Ziva's eyes narrowed as she watched Tony and Gibbs, wondering how this mystery would play out.
"Okay, lady, I give up, what do you want?" asked Tony despondently.
"One last time, Mr Studley, so pay attention. All TIVA fans want is for you to take Ziva in your arms, kiss her and tell her you love her. She'll get all starry eyed and tell you she loves you and then the two of you can consummate your love."
There was a pause, then she continued, "Gibbs, I can hear you thinking! Don't start spouting that rule number 12 crap. It's not gonna work. We TIVA fans are gonna get what we want!"
Ziva was all smiles as she said, "I have not met you mystery woman, but I like your attitude. Just go after what you want. Yes?"
"Exactly, Ziva. Glad you spoke up. It's all up to you now, Tony." The phone signal was cut off as the mystery woman disconnected the phone.
"Tony – Ziva, my office, now!" said Gibbs as he walked quickly toward the elevator. He punched the up button and first Ziva then Tony slid into the elevator before the doors closed. As it started its upward path, Gibbs hit the much abused kill switch and the elevator stopped abruptly.
"I'm tired of this and we're gonna take the easy way out. You two are gonna have to take one for the team."
"Whatdya mean, boss? You want me and Ziva to make the beast with two backs…do the horizontal hula…do the dirty deed,?"
"Why do you think I am dirty, Tony? I shower twice each day."
"It's just a saying, Ziva. Is that what you mean, boss?" Tony asked almost eagerly.
"Pretend you're undercover again. Go have some drinks in public and go home. I don't care how, but satisfy that woman and her band of unhappy zealots so we can get some real work done."
Ziva piped up again, "I have done this before for an assignment. I can do it again, but I have conditions."
"You have conditions before you will sleep with me, Zee-vah? You need a sound proof room so no one will hear you scream in ecstasy?"
"No, Tony. My condition is that you must wax your chest and back. I will never have sex with another hairy man." Ziva shudders and then continues, "You may keep your hairy butt. It is cute."
"DiNozzo men do not get wax jobs! I can't do that!"
"You have to do it. It's not something McGee can do for you," said Gibbs.
Ziva's eyes got bright, "That would also be acceptable."
Tony said, "What? You'd pick McGee just because I will not wax?"
"That is not the only reason, but I will scream out your name when I orgasm, Tony."
"Crazy lady or not, I'm not gonna wax my chest and back. That's painful, man."
"You two work it out, but make something happen tonight to get TIVA out of my life!" Gibbs restarted the elevator and when it reached the fourth floor he exited, leaving Ziva and DiNozzo standing looking at one another.
Tony's Apartment, 2000 Hours
Thump, thump, thump the headboard thudded against the wall in its march to the beat of the bodies rising and falling on it.
Tony felt it coming…the climax was almost here. His cell phone rang and without thinking he opened it and answered, "DiNozzo."
Thump, thump, thump. "TOOONNNYY…" Ziva' voice carried throughout the apartment.
"Well sounds like things are progressing nicely, but how did you answer the phone so damn quick, DiNozzo?" He recognized the demanding tone of the crazy woman's voice.
"I…er…I…em…er"
"TOOONNNY…TOOONNNY…AAHHH…OOH, MCGEE"
From the cell phone Tony heard only, "NOOOOOoooooooo" before the phone disconnected.
A/N: Remember it's a crack!fic, folks. Just havin' a little fun. Hope some of you will have a smile or two.