She was sitting at her desk, doing the only thing she could while they waited on news from Stella and Flack about Mac, and the hostage situation. He stood in the doorway and watched her. Leaning against the doorframe he rubbed his hand over his face and listened to another song start playing through the small speakers on her iHome.
You will wait in the widow's peak
And while you watch the ships come in
I will take the early train
And I will take the back streets
Down to New Orleans
Before the avenues are swallowed
By the morning heat
It was a song he'd maybe heard once or twice when he was fiddling with her iPod or when he took it for run, he never truly paid attention to the lyrics and he didn't know who sung it. He saw Adam pass him in the corner of his eye and turned to look at him as he looked back at him shaking his head.
And you will watch the ships come in
And I will take the early train
And I will make it home
We're stronger than
Before the strain had broken us
And there is fight in us
I know
He fought the urge to flip Adam off and turned his attention back towards the office, watching her sigh and set her pen down the stretch he headed towards his desk and sat down, hoping she would say something to him or at least acknowledge him, but nothing. She just picked her pen up again and went back to her paperwork. He sighed and leaned back in his chair and studied her, not even trying to hide it.
That it will take more than
A heavy rain
To silence us
When there's so much for us
I know
And you will wait
At your post until
You've been relieved
And warn us all
If seas are dangerous
He listened to the lyrics and gave a weak smile. He closed his eyes, and rested his face in his hands trying to wipe the sleep away. He hadn't had an honest nights sleep since Ruben died, but that was his own damn fault. He grunted again as he reached for a pen and looked up to see her glare at him.
"What?" he asked hopeful that they could finally talk, get back on track.
"Nothing." She said simply returning her attention to her paperwork, promising herself that if he grunted or sighed one more time, she would lock him in the broom closet to do his paperwork.
But you should rest
For a little while
And I will watch the ships come in
I'll alert the citizens
I'll sound the alarm
We're stronger than
Before the strain had broken us
And there is fight in us
I know
The last verse caught his attention, he missed it before, he looked up at her to see if it was intentional that she played this song, maybe she was trying to send him a message. But it hadn't even fazed her; she was still sitting there, brow wrinkled and chewing on her pen as she focused on anything but him. He sighed again as his eyes remained on her and she looked up at him, glaring again.
"What are you doing?" he asked as he watched her start to gather her things.
"Leaving."
"Why?" he asked, his voice small, his eyes pleading with hers to stay.
"Why?" she hissed at him. "Cause you're a prick!" Finally he thought as he watched her clench her fist, this is what they needed, this was going to make them or break them. "You come in here and do nothing but stare at me and sigh and grunt and whatever other annoying noise you can come up with, like you want something, but before when I tried to talk to you and help you, you fucking pushed me away and slept with another woman!" she screamed throwing her pen at him. His jaw dropped, that he wasn't expecting.
"How…when?" he asked his voice cracking, this is not how he wanted her to find out, or react.
That it will take more than
A heavy rain
To silence us
When there's so much for us
I know
They've tethered the ships
In the harbor
They've anchored the rest
At sea
"I'm not an idiot Messer, it's not like I haven't been cheated on, or known people who have been cheated on." She said calmly as she searched her desk for another pen.
"It was just one day, nothing else, I swear." He said his voice cracking as he played with her pen idly waiting for her to say something, but not daring to look at her.
"You're full of shit and you know it." She said sitting back down in her chair as she watched an e-mail pop up on her screen. "So just stop, stop trying to talk to me, stop trying to make it okay, stop trying to get back to where we were, just stop."
"No." he said simply as he threw the pen over on her desk, and sat up in his chair. "No."
"Danny, why? We can't be together, I can't trust you." She said not taking her eyes from the computer screen.
We're stronger than
Before the strain had broken us
And there is fight in us
I know
We're stronger than
Before the strain had broken us
And there is fight in us
I know
"You can, just give me time to earn it back. It's not like I cheated cheated, I…it made me feel better, made us feel better, I hated seeing her like that." He said his voice weak and helpless.
"Cheated Cheated? What the hell is the difference? You've been sleeping with another woman for God knows how long, that's cheating. I can't trust you, cause what are you gonna do Danny, when it's his birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of his death, I don't know the first day of school? You're gonna find his mother; fuck her into feeling better, probably his grandmother, aunts, cousins. You can't be trusted. So stop trying to fix us, maybe start something real with Rikki?" she said choking on her words as she looked at him through narrowed eyes. She watched as he stood up out of his chair and moved to stand in front of her. She didn't let up her glare as he came to practically standing on her toes. She could feel the anger radiating from him, and it made her feel better, for now. Then it hit her; did they even ever have something real? "No you know what Danny, I don't deserve an explanation so just leave it okay? We never actually said we were exclusive or in a monogamous relationship, I'm sorry, I shouldn't of exploded like that." She finished and moved to walk away from him, but he wouldn't let her.
That it will take more than
A heavy rain
To silence us
When there's so much for us
I know
"You said you loved me, twice." Was all he could think about as he tried to process all the shit she'd just thrown at him.
"My bad." She said as she attempted to move away but he grabbed her and steadied her in front of him.
"Stop it, just fucking stop it." He growled, disgusted that she was able to think that their time together was just fucking around, even it was only a quick thought, it still entered her mind. "You know we were exclusive and monogamous and committed and all that shit. So don't ever tell me we weren't." he growled again taking another step closer to her. "I know you love me, I know I fucked up, really fucked up. I know I need help. I know I'm a prick, I know I hurt you, I know I lied to you," he stopped and gazed into her tear filled eyes to see if she was really listening, or preparing for her next rant. He closed his eyes; now realizing this has been the closest he has been to her in awhile. "I know I destroyed your trust in me, I know, I'm sorry. But I swear on my brother's life I won't risk that again, I won't touch Rikki again, like that. I just," he stopped to take a breathe before he broke down in tears, he looked at her and saw she had let her tears fall and he moved to wipe them away but waited for her to pull away, she didn't and gave him a weak smile instead as he wiped away the tears he caused. "I miss you, I miss us, what we have is real, all Rikki and I have is Ruben, that's not something to base forever on."
"I want to hate you, so much. Danny I haven't hurt this bad since all my friends were shot, and that wasn't even the same kind of hurt." She said as she wiped away the single tear he allowed to fall.
"I'm so sorry, I don't have the words to explain it, I just, don't want to loose you, and I swear, I swear I won't ever do anything to risk loosing you again." He said resting his forehead against hers. "Montana?"
"I don't know Danny, I don't want to hurt like this again." She said idly playing with his shirt.
"You won't, I promise." He said and bent his head to search for her eyes. "We're stronger than before the strain had broken us."