Me: Wow – I am a dick. No, seriously; I show up here after about five months of tooling around, only to tool around some more by making a commentary fic instead of working on the stories I already have. Jeez, I'm terrible.
Explanation: Life sucks. You know? College is looming ever closer (but not that close), I still haven't gotten an A in AP Art History, my science grade is abysmal, my parents want me to get more involved in school/the community/the literary world/everything that ever existed ever/some kind of sport, and I have to take care of my damn cat all the time. I also made a deal that I have to submit writing to some website or magazine or organization at least once a month, which, as some of you know, is not as easy as it sounds. As we speak (or…I type?) I am working on a short story that is beginning to look more and more like a NaruHina fanfic. -.- Just shoot me now.
Anyway, in an attempt to I was looking for a Harry Potter parody I'd seen a couple months back, and I stumbled onto a commentary of My Immortal. And it was funny. Really funny. And I remembered a really, really, really bad fic Angelica had shown to me, and I was like, 'Must comment'. And it was this one.
While this story is truly awful, I would like to remind you that it is far better than most. In fact, the first time I read it, I was actually surprised at the level of sentence fluency and correct spelling. Keep in mind that my only other comparison is 'My Immortal' (and in case you haven't read that, you should, just to remember that no matter how bad you are at spelling, you're not that bad), so really when I say that it impressed me I mean that I was shocked to see that the letters typed out on the page actually formed words. As much as it pained me, I didn't correct any spelling, grammar, or common sense errors. My comments are bold and in parentheses – the rest is the original.
Anyway, special thanks to…whoever wrote this. It's not that I don't like you. It's that your writing made my eyeballs commit suicide. And now, without further ado, I present:
The Forbidden Fruit, as read by Monster-chan!
AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time! btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard but its meant2 be unformal ok! (I can forgive you for the plot, and for being young and harboring idiotic ideals about what love is supposed to be, but dyslexia is no excuse for bad syntax– one of my best friends has dyslexia and is a terrific writer.) no critisism pls! (Oops.) tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!) (…exactly how young did you say you were?) love &blood becky mac! (Oh, so it's Becky? How gothic and edgy.) xxx x x xx
UPDATE: I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon (I'm willing to bet that idea never got off the ground.)
Chapter 1 – Altantiana (A.K.A. Once Upon a Time There Was A Ho)
Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa).(…why can't any of you just have normal names? Like Sarah, or Emma?) I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington! My hair is long and pale like spun gold and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist.My eyes are deep forgetminot blue and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight. (My hair is brown and my eyes are brown and I am reasonably tan from spending some time outside this summer. Whoop-de-doo, now move it along.) I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, HORNY guys that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl (the highest compliment a female can receive) (some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!)but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story. They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal (Yes, I'm sure they called you 'ivory white' and 'ethereal' when they hate your guts) and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders (btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight (*retrieves shotgun*)and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways, I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch (of cookies) but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!) (Ellie and I would have been best friends. I can just tell.)
Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs (Uh, hold up. Physically impossible. You have to have at least some fat on your body for breasts, and for big breasts you need quite a bit. At least, for natural boobs you do…) that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me! (Except when it's an ugly, horny guy.) I have a lip ring and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair. I smell like mint and cinnamon.I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music! (And what would that be? Ke$ha? One Direction?)
It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie. They are nice and all very hole (ha) some sweet people but it is not like having a real family. I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much. (Way to be grateful to your foster parents for adopting your whiny ass.) My real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad. I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him (If he was smart he would've disappeared off the face of the Earth when you were a baby. Oh, wait – he did.) Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. Loads of people freaking stared at me as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it. (I don't care. Nobody cares. Move along, you pseudo-goth moron.)
I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils (imbosils? is that a medication for heart problems?) pointing at me. I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!) and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) (so when you said "stfu", you added an exclamation point in parentheses?) when she called me a freak! Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore! (Oh Tiaa, you're so tough and badass! Lord have mercy!) My first day I was relay board, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning, My teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept. (Bitch, teachers don't care if you're a goth or a prep or a fucking potato plant. Teachers don't take crap from anybody, especially not girls like you.)
My ears are pierced four times (Oh. More physical descriptions. Thanks.), I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life. Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this (Yes.), well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl (I guessed that when you told me you had skin the color of snow and fake boobs). I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand. When I sleep I hear whispers in another language (Those darn voices in your head sure are annoying.) and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it! I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color! I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes (you are as graceful as a hippo on a tightrope. And have about the same spelling ability. "Anti-lopes?" Really?) when I run very fast and am stronger and faster (you just said that) than most people. I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eerie (Tiaa's shooting roids). The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept! (I think you're just on crack.)
At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me. It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT (Okay, he's hot, we get it) dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. He was tall and mussel (he was a shellfish?) and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him. I'd never felt this way about anyone before (yeah, I'm sure you've never been attracted to another human being besides yourself) and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt! A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant (already better looking than you) so i thought well whatevah, hes taken. She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her (Why don't you just come out and say it? You think she's hideous and you're the hottest thing next to the Sun). I never really saw myself as beautiful (Bitch, please) but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low. So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs (as opposed to hairy drugs?) in the locker room while no one was there (and then get stopped by a teacher in the hallway because you look and sound like a crack whore). As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine. I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class. I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK! (Fuck. Just say fuck. And please grow up.)
"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems) (No really.)
"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven (…was that some sort of weird sex reference?) "please forgive me my lady"
It was the hawt pale guy! (No name, huh? Just 'hawt pale guy'? Whatever, you have more than enough of a name for five people.)
Me: That was physically painful. Stick around, more fun next time on Forbidden Fruit!