The Twelve Doctors of Christmas

by enchantment1972

The Twelve Doctors have invited their past and present companions and friends to come watch as they celebrate themselves in song. It's quite enjoyable, except for the ones who are listening. **Part of the Eleventh Heaven series**

Author'sNote: For this story, I picture Roger Delgado's Master. I feel that it's something that his Master would have said and done. :) Also, some of the jabs that the Doctors take at each other are an actual reflection of their time on the show.

I promised myself that after Twas The Night Before Regeneration that I would never try anything like that again, and then this idea occurred to me. The Doctor was right when he said never say "Never, ever." Happy Holidays! :)

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in relation to Dr. Who.

The audience settles into their seats while the lights dim and a lone figure walks onto the stage to stand in the center of the spotlight. He wears a pleased smile as he surveys the auditorium. "I see that you're all anxious for us to start, hmmmm? Well then, let us begin." He grasps his lapels and stands a bit taller as he begins to sing.

FIRST DOCTOR:

"During my first life,I lived upon the Earth and traveled with two schoolteachers and my granddaughter, Susan.

All too soon it seems they left, and then I felt bereft,

And I went through companions right and left trying to fill the empty spaces in my hearts."

Another figure steps into the spotlight and nods his head in approval at his predecessor's choice of words. He plays a few notes on his recorder until he finds the perfect pitch. "Yes. Yes, I do believe that will do."

SECOND DOCTOR:

"During my first regeneration, I soon realized my folly, and ditched Ben and Polly, and traveled with just Jamie!"

He pauses amidst his verses to clasp his hands together and lean forward with an impish smile. There is a twinkle in his eyes as he hastily adds, "Until we met Victoria, of course!"

"We met a Yeti and the Brig, and then I got in trouble big,

I was forced to change my face and I joined the human race…"

The song comes to an immediate halt when a blur of velvet and ruffles knocks the Second Doctor to the floor and the newcomer growls, "Quit stepping on my lines!" He tosses one last glare at the Second Doctor before he straightens his jacket and clears his throat.

THIRD DOCTOR:

"During my second regeneration, My time on Earth passed so much faster when I tangled with the Master,

Being stranded was quite a bind, so with UNIT I had signed,

I pretended my position was so hateful, but in truth I was grateful,"

He places two fingers alongside his mouth and requests from the audience, "But don't let Lethbridge-Stewart know that, will you?" Then with his most charming smile and a wink, he says, "There's a good chap!"

The spotlight swings over to the next Doctor who pops a jelly baby into his mouth and chews ever so slowly as he keeps everyone waiting for him to finish. He finally swallows loudly and contributes his portion of the evening's entertainment.

FOURTH DOCTOR:

"During my third regeneration, I returned to time and space and more adventures than ever before,

I had thought that dog was man's best friend but he kept leaving me in the end,

I was dashing, I was daring, and sometimes overbearing,

But I never lacked in caring, and in the ratings I was faring qui-i-ite well!"

The entire collection of Doctors turns to stare at him. He smiles a wide manic grin and informs the Fifth Doctor, "I'm done. It's your turn now. That's a good fellow."

The Fifth Doctor nervously crumples his hat in his hands and his voice wavers in a high pitch before it settles down.

FIFTH DOCTOR:

"During my fourth regeneration, I somewhat had a passion for cricket and constantly found myself in a sticky wicket,

I kept adding a new companion, some I wanted to drop into a canyon,

And learned it takes a great deal of coercion to work with another version," his body taut with tension as he strains to reach a higher note, "uhhhhh – of meeeeeee!,"

He nods his head once, appearing most pleased with his performance despite the remaining anxiety and crushed hat in his hands. Thank Rassilon for the extra respiratory bypass.

The Sixth Doctor's hands are resting on his coat lapels and he patiently waits until he is assured that all is silent and all eyes are on him.

SIXTH DOCTOR:

"During my fifth regeneration, I became the very best,

So much better than the rest, to this I'm sure you can attest,

I was obviously so blessed; with my sixth form I hit my crest while still managing to retain my humility!"

Suddenly, a jelly baby flies out of nowhere and hits the Sixth Doctor on the side of his head.

"Don't send me your hate fest!"

He glowers at an unrepentant Four who at present is calmly chewing another jelly baby. Smoothing down his coat, he returns his focus to the audience.

"I was so amazing that I didn't need a sonic,

Others always found it quite ironic,

That my coat became so iconic and almost as well known as me!"

He's well on his way to singing another verse when the Seventh Doctor pokes him with his brolly and rolling his r's, tells him, "You're through!"

Although affronted, the Sixth Doctor gives a condescending smile as he replies, "Now where have I heard that before? I advise you to enjoy your time while you have it. Before you know it, we're finished just like that!" he proclaims as he snaps his fingers.

The Seventh Doctor grimaces and mutters, "And I thought that I was supposed to be the one who was ominous and foreboding."

SEVENTH DOCTOR:

"During my sixth regeneration, I was sly, I was cunning, but I never gave up running, and punning was my forte!

I was ever so precocious, when I employed hypnosis,

The knowledge I would cull, when I fought for Survival,

And solved every case when I went to bat with Ace, and ended up saving the day!"

He leans on his brolly and spares a glance for his successor as he murmurs, "Well, go on then."

The Eight Doctor asks in shock, "You're done already? That was very short."

The Seventh Doctor retorts, "So was my tenure."

The Eight Doctor nods his head sagely and acknowledges, "I know the feeling." He then bops his head to a tempo that only he can hear and starts to sing.

EIGHTH DOCTOR:

"During my seventh regeneration, I didn't start out very fab,

I woke upon a slab; the wounds were gunshots not a stab,

And the hospital that killed me was only worried,

That someone would blab!

My life was so fast pace,

It felt like watching a movie or a race,

I had never felt so hurried,

And soon I was gone without a trace!"

The Ninth Doctor now stands in the spotlight with his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his leather jacket. He shifts uncomfortably while grumbling, "I still think that we should've went with 'Memories'."

NINTH DOCTOR:

"During my eighth regeneration, I survived the Time War and thought I was alone,

But the universe was kinder, and gave me a reminder,

That an old soldier could still be thrown a bone!

It was a gamble I suppose, but I found my precious Rose,

She loved my ears and my nose, and she helped me fight all our foes!

We fought Slytherins with farts,

I never gave into French tarts,

And we filled each other's hearts until our Parting of the Ways!"

The Ninth Doctor stares at a fuming Ten and smugly inquires, "So what are you going to do about it, Pretty Boy? Lick me? And I don't mean with your tongue." His features take on a look of disgust. "Seriously, we are all that represent the last of the Time Lords. Is this honestly how you want our people to be remembered?"

The Tenth Doctor gives Nine his best Oncoming Storm glare to which Nine merely rolls his eyes in response.

TENTH DOCTOR:

"During my next regeneration, I became lean and fit,

Ensconced in pajama kit, with a will that refused to quit and pretty just a bit,"

NinthDoctor : "You forgot to mention you're a git and completely full of sh-"

"Rose Tyler gave me coy glances, asked if I was a Doctor who dances,

And together we took endless chances,"

NinthDoctor : "While she's in jeopardy, he prances and we all know what he enhances…"

"Even when I was terse, and burdened her with my curse,

With I.O.U. s I won't reimburse,

Things just kept going worse,"

NinthDoctor : "Like when you stranded her in another universe…"

The Tenth Doctor finally loses all patience and shouts, "She was with her family and safe, and this is my solo!"

The Ninth Doctor ignores Ten's outburst and looks directly at him while he continues singing.

NinthDoctor : "The thing I most deplore is that you left her for some wh-"

"Doctor! Enough!" yells a voice from the front of the audience. Both Doctors turn away from each other to see Rose Tyler standing with both hands on her hips and looking very unimpressed. When she knows that she has their full attention, she looks at them pleadingly and implores quietly, "Please."

They both nod their assent to the woman that they both and will always love and silently step back to allow the next Doctor to take the stage. She is just returning to her seat when she hears the Tenth Doctor yelp in pain.

"Ow! That hurt!" he complains while rubbing his arm. The Ninth Doctor has his hands clasped behind his back and is gazing at the ceiling in pure innocence.

The meta-crisis Doctor takes a running leap into the spotlight and yells, "Oi! Don't leave me out!"

10.5 DOCTOR:

"From the Sycorax that slices,

I eventually became a meta-crisis, from DNA that splices,

So that I could stay with my Rose!

Thank Rassilon that I only switched up traits and not genders,

I find I love tabloids and Eastenders,

And meaty chicken tenders and to shop until I drop!

I enjoy trips to the sauna, I didn't think I'd like it but I wanna,

And it's all compliments of Donna, minus the ginger mop!

Still I know I got the best,

It doesn't matter about the rest,

So forget about down where it's wetter,

Forever After's better,

I may live a life full of plannin',

But you can't forget me because I'm canon,

I sti- ill count!"

The Eleventh Doctor beams at his meta-crisis counterpart and gives him a round of applause and exclaims, "Well done!" He tosses his sonic screwdriver into the air, catching it in his right hand and then proceeds to tap it against his forehead. "Now, what were those lines? What were they? Oh, yes!"

ELEVENTH DOCTOR:

"During my tenth regeneration, I rediscovered the TARDIS swimming pool, and found out that bow ties are cool,

I'll always love my fez, no matter what Amy and River says,

Rory overcame being a moaner and a whinger,

With Amy, I finally got my rude and ginger,

But it's the last time that I travel with honeymooners,

They always want to stop for nooners,

So I lead a merry chase as I travel through time and space, and look for adventure in the next exciting place!"

ALL TWELVE DOCTORS:

We're sure that much to your elation,

That we'll have another verse the next regeneration, and we'll do it all again!

So now you've got the scoop,

It's our own personal time loop, and we'll relive it someday and somewhen!

Hurrah!

With the end of the song, the Doctors promptly gather around each other to spout congratulations and pat themselves on the back. They are so enamored of their own praise that they are oblivious to the fact that there is no applause.

The audience is still pretty much speechless at this point, still trying to process everything and formulate a proper response. Ian Chesterton is the first one to speak.

"Barbara, how much longer do we have to sit through this? This is their third encore!" He waves his hand to indicate all twelve of the Doctors. "That they've given themselves!"

Barbara squeezes his hand consoling while giving him a level stare. "Do you want to go home to our proper time period, Ian?"

"Well…yes, of course, but..." he tries as he sees where this is heading.

She gives his hand another squeeze and gentles her tone as she tells him bluntly, "Then we sit through it all as many times as necessary until he's ready to take us back. And you know as well as I do that nobody rushes the Doctor."

Ian slumps in his seat in defeat and Susan begs, "Ian, Barbara, please! How do you think I feel? He's brought me here twelve times!"

Jamie leans over and whispers to Zoe, "He gave us our memories back for this?"

Zoe replies, "For once, Jamie, we are in complete agreement." She bolts upright as an idea occurs to her. "I wonder if we can convince him to remove them again?"

Jo shifts in her seat, trying to find a more comfortable position. "Well, trekking through the Amazon doesn't seem so bad right now."

Sarah Jane chuckles as she proposes, "Mind if I join you?"

Andred has spent the majority of each song trying to convince Leela that there is only one way out for them. "I'm telling you Leela, if we take out the first one then this whole nightmare goes away."

"Do it, Mistress, do it!" encourages K-9.

Leela gives both of them an admonishing look and states, "It will over soon, Andred, and then we can return home. Besides, we've been through worse."

His stares at her in disbelief and asks doubtfully, "Really?"

"Well," considers Leela, "not much worse. But there has been worse, I'm almost sure of it."

"Fine," grouses Andred. He peers at her sideways and decides to try one last time to persuade her. "I was only thinking of you, you know. I know how much you miss throwing your knife as often as you used to."

Leela laughs so hard and joyfully at that statement that Andred has no choice but to join in.

Turlough scouts the auditorium for any other familiar faces. He leans back in his chair in sheer frustration. Why didn't I just kill him when I had the chance? He scans the room once more trying to see one of his fellow traveling companions in hopes that they can alleviate his boredom. Whoever thought that I would miss Teegan? I guess Nyssa couldn't make it either. She must still be working with those lepers. Lucky girl.

Mel huffs, "The expression 'on my bike' has never seemed so appropriate."

Peri moans, "What am I doing here? Wasn't being fobbed off onto King Yrcanos of Thoros Alpha bad enough?"

The Valeyard is making his way down the aisle when he notices the Master, and sits down next to him. "What in Rassilon's name are you doing here?" inquires the Valeyard.

The Master flashes a devilish smiles and answers, "For the chance to watch the Doctor humiliate himself over and over again? I wouldn't miss this for the world!"

He gazes at the Valeyard curiously and questions, "Why aren't you up there as well?"

The Valeyard sneers, "Apparently, I'm not considered to be," he gestures with air quotes, "'Doctor' material."

The Master laughs aloud and declares, "Oh, that's priceless!" Then he sobers as it seems that the Doctors are discussing if they should do yet another encore. He sighs bitterly and opines, "Unlike this drivel."

"Tell me about it," gripes a voice from behind them. The Master and Valeyard both turn to see the Dream Lord sitting behind them resting his arms on the back of their seats. "What I wouldn't give to wake up from this."

Yeah, seethes Ace silently in her seat. I wish I had brought my bat. That's okay though. I'm definitely using it when the Professor and I return to the TARDIS.

Grace closes her eyes in resignation when the Doctors start taking their places once again. Forget my oath, there is no way that I'm resuscitating this.

Mickey folds his arms across his chest and complains, "This is crap." He turns to his wife, Martha, and asks hopefully, "Do you think he can wipe our memories like he did to Donna?"

Martha makes an expression of distaste and swats his arm hard. She then turns to Jack and pleads, "Will you quit killing yourself? I'm a doctor, Jack. I'm supposed to save lives, not watch you waste them."

"Sorry doll," apologizes Jack as he drinks down another vial of fast acting poison. "It's just that I keep waking up to soon," he drones before he collapses back down into his chair.

Rory and Amy are watching the Doctors on stage warm up their voices. Rory glances over at his wife and notes her furrowed brow. "What's puzzling you, Amy? I mean, besides why we're still listening to this?"

Amy is still watching the various Doctors as she answers, "Out of all the things that I chose to remember about the Doctor so that he could come back into existence, why would I want to remember this?"

Rory blithely replies, "Easy, it hadn't happened yet."

Amy responds moodily, "It shouldn't have happened at all!"

Rose is also watching all of the Doctors interact with each other, laughing and sharing memories. She doesn't believe that she's ever seen him so carefree before and without worry. She thinks it must be because he's surrounded by so many good friends and so many other Time Lords, even if they are only past and future versions of him.

She lets out a little sigh as she watches the First Doctor tap the microphone. There he is, the man that I love. All of him. I've risked my life, saved his, looked into the heart of the TARDIS, willingly left my family to stay by his side and I'd do it all over again. But, honestly? Somethings aren't really worth hearing.

THE END