Papa John was chillin out in his swimming pool of pepsi max completely naked on the day that it all began. He was having a good time bathing in his favorite sodi pop, but he did not know the unparallelled nightmare that lie ahead of him. Just whenever Papa was thinking about how big of a tip to give the next pizza delivery boy, one of his 'indentured servants' (slaves) told him that he had a call.
Papa got out of the pool of pepsi max without any thought or concern his slave might have seeing his master naked (Not like it was the first time anyway) Upon seeing Papa's exposed junk the slave grew wide eyed and began bowing and worshipping it, it wasn't anything special, just average length, but the slaves were trained to hold him in such high regard even the most pathetic penis will be worshipped so long as it belonged to Papa.
Papa walked over his slave as he was bowing, the slave screamed with pleasure as Papa trampled him, Papa continued walking until he made it to his special room for drying off, instead of using a towel Papa had modified a huge Pizza oven to dry him off instead. After he completed this process he continued to walk naked to the phone.
"Hello, this is Papa" said John "Hello my pesky pizza chef!" said the man on the other end "Wait, is this a call… from Bowser?" asked Papa "That's right, and Beau's in MY house now that I've kidnapped him!" said Bowser, a faint "Beau's in da house!" could be heard as well, "Beau! Don't worry I'll rescue you!" said a concerned Papa.
"Good luck! He's now a permanent guest in one of my 7 Koopa Hotels, I dare you to try and find him if you can!" said Bowser who hung up the phone "I've got to stop him!" said Papa, he turned towards his slave "And you've gotta help me!" "But master, the pizza that you ordered will be here soon" said the slave.
"So what?" asked Papa "Well if you aren't here than you can't give a big tip to a hard working american man!" said the slave "You're right, we'll just have to rescue Beau before he gets here, come on, we need to start now!"
And so Papa went to work, this is not public knowledge, but Papa John is actually an ex navy seal, and he still has powerful connections there, he was going to make sure Beau was back in the house before his delicious papa john's pizza arrived. After he contacted his colleagues he then devised his ultimate plan to stop Bowser.
Within seconds a helicopter had arrived, they had already found which of the Hotels Beau was in, so they destroyed the other 6 via airstrike. Now comes the hard part, the infiltration of Bowser's lair and the safe retrieval of Beau, all before the pizza arrives. But these are the navy seals we're talking about, they can handle it.
Soon they arrive at Bowser's lair, the clock is ticking. The helicopter goes around to the back of the hotel, the recon team has already pinpointed Bowser's exact location, but the snipers were unable to take him down. The chopper fired it's missiles at the wall, destroying it. Inside Bowser stood in shock that he had been found so quickly, the Navy Seals were deployed and opened fire on Bowser. Now, the Navy Seals vs. Bowser would actually be a pretty cool fight, Bowsers ultra tough skin reduced the bullets damage drastically, they didn't even pierce him, in return Bowser unleashed a torrent of flames but it was blocked by their riot shields.
Now the Seals started using heavy weaponry, missiles and 50 cal. Machine guns were now attacking him, Bowser was able to either destroy the missiles mid air with his fire breath or catch and deflect them, but the bullets were now starting to cut him. Bowser grunted with pain, but this was nothing compared to the usual shit he went through.
Bowser performed his shockwave attack to stun the navy seals before rushing in for close combat. Now I don't care who you are, the Navy Seals cannot beat Bowser in hand to hand combat, I'm sorry but they just can't. Bowser Just picked one up and threw him so hard all of his bones were crushed just from the force of the throw.
The impact of the thrown man was strong enough to penetrate the bodies of his fellow soldiers, killing them as well. Bowser then performed his signature somersault piledriver, the explosion radius was enough to kill every seal. But now that their allies weren't in the way anymore, the Helicopters were free to attack.
A missile and bullet barrage even stronger than before ravaged Bowser's body, he wasn't going down just yet though. He leapt through the air out of his hotel, as he made it above the helicopter he imitated a move he had seen his rival perform many times, the ground pound. Bowser flipped mid air, the centripetal force created exploded his downward momentum to blindingly fast speed.
Bowser dropped like a lightning bolt, the entirety of his fat lizard weight was all forced downward onto the helicopter and blew a hole right through it. Bowser flipped once more to cancel out his momentum before grabbing onto one of the missiles sent at him, the missile was strong enough to support him as he soared through the air.
Papa John wasn't just going to let this slide though, bowser killed all of his allies and kidnapped his son, there would be no mercy. Papa affixed two missiles to a motorcycle he found aboard the chopper and got on it. The missiles fired and Papa went rocketing out of helicopter and through the air towards Bowser.
Bowser had managed to climb on top of the missile and balanced on it, he saw Papa approaching. Bowser then busted out his ultimate weapon, shurikens, he had an almost endless supply stored inside of his shell, he was well trained in them as well. But Papa brought his secret weapon as well, something only the seals were allowed to use, and only in the most dire of circumstances at that. A laser rifle.
Bowser threw a flurry of shurikens at Papa, but Papa was actually able to dodge them despite not being able to move his rocket bike. The fact that Papa was able to dodge in such a small space intimidated Bowser, and now it was Papa's turn to strike. Papa decided that killing Bowser like this wouldn't satisfy him, so he instead fired at the missile Bowser was riding on in hopes if destroying it.
This was not the case however as bowser threw a shuriken in the way, as it turns out, the shurikens were actually reflective and could bounce the lasers back at John. Bowser decided to follow John's idea of attacking their missiles directly and threw some stars at them, Papa anticipated this and fired a shot so precise it went through the hole in the center of one of the moving shurikens and flew straight to Bowser.
The laser made contact with the missile and it exploded, sending Bowser flying, and then falling. Papa knew that falling from a high place couldn't kill bowser, so he jumped off of his rocket bike as well. He landed on bowser because he knew he would absorb the impact, and thus bowser took extra falling damage while John took none.
Bowser recovered quick, he stood up and looked around, they had fallen right into his battle arena. Bowser quickly snatched the laser gun away from John before destroying it. "Mwahahaha, how will you defeat me now?" asked Bowser, but when he looked up he saw that John was gone.
Bowser turned around to see John standing next to a button with an exclamation mark in it "Wait, don't press that!" said Bowser, but of course Papa pressed it anyway. The ground was destroyed and bowser fell. "Everybody who's played Mario knows how to beat you Bowser" said John.
"You fool!" said Bowser, John looked down to see that underneath the ground was nothing but a pool of water, "Do you really think that I would put lava in here after all the times I've been beaten?" he asked.
"You bastard!" yelled Papa, bowser reached for the ledge to pull himself up but Papa pushed back into the water with his foot. Bowser struggled and struggled against him to escape, but he was unable to. "Just who are you really? How are you this strong?!" Bowser asked angrily, struggling even harder than before to move John's foot, "What's my name Bowser?" Papa inquired.
"Um, it's John H. Schnatter, right?" said Bowser, unsure of his answer "Most of the public thinks that, yes, but that's not my real last name." said John. Bowser's body suddenly went limp with realization, a grave realization as he pieced together John's true identity, "N-no, It can't be… don't tell me… Oh please god no don't tell you're…." said Bowser, his voice shaking with fear "My real name... is John Wick." said John.
"So that's why, that's why I lost, that's why I'm going to die." said Bowser in defeat, "No Bowser, there's just one reason why I won, just one simple reason." said John "W-what is it?" asked Bowser, terrified to know the answer "No matter what Bowser, never forget what I'm about to tell you, this will be your final lesson in life." said John. Bowser gulped, tears formed in his eyes, he had never imagined that he would be so sad that he was going to die, he hadn't even considered it, but here he was at the mercy of the world's most dangerous killing machine.
"Just this one, final lesson Bowser" Bowser closed his eyes in anticipation of John's inevitable death blow "All toasters… toast toast" and with those words, which were whispered with the same serenity and dreamlike whimsicality as life itself, Bowser was electrocuted to death by the toaster John had dropped into the pool of water.
As soon as he had dropped the toaster, John walked away, he knew Bowser's fate was sealed. Papa found Beau in the next room, and they went home in one of the remaining vehicles left behind by the dead seals.
Papa and Beau finally made it back home, just as they did so they saw the delivery car pull into their driveway. "You order 2 large pepperoni pizzas with a pepsi max?" asked the delivery boy "Yep, sure did!" said a bloodstained,scorched, and still naked Papa as he took the pizza, grinning he handed the delivery boy 200 dollars as a tip.
"Man Beau, giving that big tip sure made me thirsty for a sodi pop, wanna go in and have a couple?" asked Papa "Beau in da house." said Beau "That's my boy, that's my boy." said Papa, and together they walked into Papa's house to finally enjoy their meal together. Cause everything is better, when Papa's in the house.
The End