No matter how many times I try to forget about the complications that make up my life, I see Blaine and the pain that we had suffered over the past few years come back to me. It's nice, living with him. He cares about me, treats me like an adult, but somewhere deep down there is always this sense of missing something. Blaine is seventeen and I'm sixteen. We're not very old; still teenagers and still in school, yet somehow we're living our life like it's our future. I've got a job to buy the groceries and Blaine is using all the money he's saved up for college over his lifetime on our rent. I know what's missing. It's the sense of home, warmth. We can't decorate our place – it's not our place to keep. Blaine always tries to be optimistic but I see the way he is now that he's gone to McKinley High.
Cameron, our father, decided that this year he wasn't going to pay for Blaine's tuition at Dalton Academy. For Blaine, the thought wasn't so bad. He knew where he was going to go; I'm guessing it had something to with the fact that his boyfriend attends the school. I think that's why Cameron did it. It finally hit him; even though Blaine had told him many times that he was gay, I think Cameron always hoped that Blaine would decide that he would marry a girl, but hearing that he had a boyfriend, Cameron decided that Blaine was definitely not his son. I've heard him say it before; "There must have been a mix up at the hospital. No son of mine would be a fag."
I'm still at Crawford Country Day, Dalton's sister school, but next year or even next semester I can see myself joining my brother at McKinley. I board at Crawford like Blaine did at Dalton and when I return on Friday evening, Blaine's usually watching some rubbish on TV as if it's the most fascinating thing in the world, but I've come to notice recently that he isn't even paying attention, that he only turns the television on to cover up the silence in the room. He's thinking – he's extremely deep in thought about whatever seems to pass his mind. He's different, I know that. I've seen him change over the years. He's not the brother that was my best friend. We've grown apart in some ways but we've grown closer in others. We know each other better; we know when to leave each other alone, when the other needs a hug or when one is in trouble but we've started to drift apart, especially with Ava still being on my case.
Ava, is our mother, or was, I like to think that Cameron and Ava aren't my parents. I think of Blaine as my only family - just us two to battle the world. Ava, she often comes to find me, wanting to be a mother and acting like one day she can randomly walk into our apartment and pretend that we're a happy family. Blaine usually just ignores her and walks out for days but the last time it happened he couldn't. Normally Ava comes alone and we've always believed that she keeps our whereabouts hidden from Cameron but last time he was at the door, not wanting to walk – not wanting "fag" on him. Them being there wasn't so bad. Blaine just sank into the sofa and listened to iTunes or went into his room and did god know what. But the day they left was horrifying, I knew Cameron used to beat Blaine, I'd seen the outcome but I'd never seen him do it and I'd never seen Ava join in.
That's why it's hard to let go. I see Blaine and although they're faint. I see the scars. The pain he's suffered and I think how easy I came out of the whole situation. How tough his life has been always worries me and I feel guilty. I used to wind my parents up all the time and I thought they let it go and they did but they let it all out on Blaine. Now he's battered and he's struggling and I've just got to pick up the pieces and let all the pain back inside and just let things get even more complicated.