I got the idea from thinking of Evangelion's Angelic Days series and reading too much Ai Kora. An alternate reality fic!
Episode One
-A plan for nitwits-
Minato and Junpei are eating at the Wild Duck Burger joint.
Junpei: Dude. They must have put something in this burger because the room is spinning. Dude?
Minato couldn't bother to respond as he stared at the fairies dancing on his head. He and Junpei ordered a mystery burger, and the mystery was getting a hold on them. They paid and dragged each other outside.
Junpei: Ah. My head. Why is the world spinning?
Minato: Shush. Tinkerbell is trying to tell me something.
The two idiots slowly dragged themselves to the dorm before meeting with a familiar face.
Ryoji: Hey guys.
Junpei: Dude? What are you doing here?
Ryoji: Hiding from me brother.
Ryoji immediately jumped in the nearest trash can
Pharos: Brother! Brother! Come out come out wherever you are! Oh hey guys. Have you seen my brother?
Minato: I saw him head for Palownia Mall.
Pharos: Aww. Mommy won't let me go that far. Well if you see him tell him I'm looking for him. Bye bye. (giggles)
Long ago when Minato and Junpei first met Pharos they agreed on one thing, he is a product of the devil. His evil smile, his devilish giggles, and his ability to make a pouty face and make any girl believe what he says. Pharos symbolized death to the trio.
Junpei: He's gone.
Ryoji: Whew. For a moment I thought I was a goner.
Minato: What are you doing here?
Ryoji: I'm glad you asked Minato! Gentleman let us meet somewhere less conspicuous.
The headed for Chagall Café
Ryoji: Yukari Takeba, the queen of the second years. You both live in the same dorm as hers. So I thought last night that using your friendship with her we will begin the ultimate heist!
Junpei: Heist?
Ryoji: The heist of the queen's underwear.
The atmosphere between the three changed.
Minato: It's too risky. Being caught could mean … execution.
Ryoji: True, but if we succeed we will be heralded as heroes among the male student population.
Junpei: I am with you man.
Minato: I … will throw my hand in.
Ryoji: Men, our plan begins at dawn. Here's the plan.
Step One: At 0800 hours I will invite myself into the dorm. Using my charm I will convince everyone to play monopoly. Junpei, Minato, you must do everything you can to lose first.
Step Two: With you two out Junpei will then go to the bathroom. Minato, you will use this as an excuse to use the upstairs bathroom. Rather then using the bathroom though you will sneak into Yukari's room and steal her underwear.
Step Three: You will stash them in a bag and meet back up with me. You will give it to me saying I left it last time I came.
Step Four: Celebrate.
The plan seemed fool proof to them. At 8:00 Ryoji arrived with monopoly in hand.
Ryoji: Who's up for a game?
Mitsuru couldn't resist monopoly.
Mitsuru: Fool, you will all bow before my superior skill in real estate.
Fuuka: I don't know…
Mitsuru: You will all play!
Fuuka: O-okay…
Ken: Uhh, if I have to.
Akihiko: Such a drag…
Shinjiro: Pshaw
Yukari: Why not? It can't hurt.
Ryoji: That's right!
And so the devilish plan was put in action. Minato and Junpei easily lost to the tyrannical real-estate agent within Mitsuru. The plan then started.
Junpei: I need to use the bathroom.
And so Junpei initiated the second phase. With the downstairs bathroom occupied Minato started his part.
Minato: I have to use it too…I guess I'll go upstairs.
Minato rushed upstairs. He made his way quietly to Yukari's room. Unlocked. What luck? He opened the door. What an odd room he thought. He stepped on a manga and when opened it was surprised to see a very hardcore yaoi one.
Minato: She reads this? Nevermind. It's do or die time.
Minato made his way to the dresser. He found it. The radiance eminated from the drawer as he stared down at the lingerie. The look on his face was priceless. He reached down and just grabbed anything. He ran to his room and packed it up. He ran back down.
Minato: You forgot this last time you came Ryoji.
Ryoji: Thank you. THANK YOU!
Ryoji could barely contain his excitement. Eventually the game was over as Mitsuru forgot herself and laughed maniacally as she threw the pretend money above her and it floated on her.
Ryoji: Uhh … you can keep it.
Ryoji ran home. The greatest heist in history … had one flaw.
The next day Junpei and Minato sat tied to a chair in the conference room on the fourth floor. Everyone say as Minato initiated the panty raid, stuffed it in a bag, and handed it to Ryoji via cameras. They all suspected Junpei for helping this.
Ryoji: Hello everyone!
Ryoji came in for a usual visit. He ended up tied up. At midnight Junpei, Minato, and Ryoji as in the conference room tied up. They where left there abandoned.
Ryoji: There are cameras in your dorm!
Junpei: Apparently.
-Iron Chef Shinji-
Shinjiro Aragaki is a simple man, but replace simple with badass. He strives to be as badass as possible. You could not begin to comprehend how badass he is. He's almost Chuck Norris badass! But he has a deep dark secret.
Shinjiro: I like to cook. How badass can I be if I'm making a soufflé?
This was a problem for him. There was only one person that knew his dilemma.
Akihiko: … That's your big secret?
Shinjiro: Yes … it's shameful I know.
Akihiko: Have you taken too many pills lately?
Shinjiro: I don't take pills.
Akihiko: Sure you don't.
Thus Akihiko was unwillingly swept into Shinjiro's love of cooking. However today something caught Shinjiro's eye.
Shinjiro: Wow, an iron chef competition. Iron chef sound badass. I can be badass and cook. Problem solved.
Thus he resolved to enter it, but it is done in teams of four. With Akihiko-
Akihiko: I'm not doing it.
-joining him-
Akihiko: I'm not doing it!
-Shinjiro still needed two more assistants.
Akihiko: DAMMIT I SAID I'M NOT DOING IT!
Shinjiro: Do it or I'll tell everyone why you wear a shirt with your swimsuit.
Akihiko: Where do I start?
Shinjiro: I still need two more people though. Minato is too busy hanging out with s. links. Junpei is a dumbass. Mitsuru is a rich girl who doesn't even left her own fork.
Mitsuru: Someone feed me I'm hungry.
Shinjiro: So that leaves Yukari, Fuuka, and Koromaru.
Koromaru: bark bark
And so Shinjiro informed Yukari and Fuuka.
Yukari: That's the big secret! All my doujins are ruined now!
Fuuka: It can't be as bad as you think it is.
Shinjiro: Imagine how the idiot trio would react.
Junpei: YOU! COOK! Awww, where's your apron.
Ryoji: Probably in the laundry with his skirt.
Minato: Your girlier then Bebe, and no one's girlier then Bebe.
Fuuka: You're right.
Yukari: That gave me an idea for a doujin.
Shinjiro: Huh?
Yukari: Oh nothing.
Shinjiro: So help me. If I'm an iron chef, then I can be badass and cook.
Yukari: Sure.
Fuuka: But I'm really bad at cooking.
Shinjiro: It can't be that bad.
Fuuka. Well…
Last Tuesday
Junpei: IT'S ALIVE!
Minato: SAVE ME! IT'S GNAWING ON MY LEG!
Koromaro: growling
Fuuka: It was suppose to be a salad.
End flashback
Shinjiro: Damn, you do suck. But I don't have a choice. Just don't touch anything!
Shinjiro, Akihiko, Yukari, and Fuuka all entered the competition where all they did was cook. Suffice to say it was rather boring. So let's cut to the award ceremonies.
Shinjiro: Last place …
Fuuka: I said I was bad.
Shinjiro: All you did was wash the vegetables!
Thus Shinjiro lost the title for iron chef.
Shinjiro: THAT'S IT! I DEMAND A BADASS ENDING!
Takaya: (aiming)
Shinjiro: NOT THIS BADASS!
-The transfer student is a robot!-
In Ms. Toriumi's class everyone had heard that there will be a new transfer student.
Ms. Toriumi: K class les m-E-t teh nu studnt D
Aigis: Hello everyone. I am Aigis.
Ms. Toriumi: Ne Qs 4 teh studnt ?D
Junpei: Yah, is she a robot?
Aigis: Why would you think that?
Jenpei: Well for one thing you have the voice, the perfect posture, the tone, the hands, and your ears-
Aigis: FIRE!
Junpei: AHHHH!
Ms. Toriumi: HAY! No firearms in me class D
Aigis: I am sorry.
Ryoji: For a robot you're cute.
Aigis: This is not chobits.
Ryoji: Let me find your on button!
Aigis: FIRE!
Ryoji: AHHHH!
Ms. Toriumi: I SAYZ NO GUNZS! D
And so the class met the trigger happy gynoid.
Minato: I think the new girl likes me.
Junpei: How can you tell?
Minato: She won't let go of my hand. I think she broke the bones in there.
Aigis: I am in stealth mode. You should not notice me.
Ryoji: Stealth mode … sure.
Aigis: FIRE!
Ryoji: AHHHH!
Aigis: I will protect you from him. He is a bad influence.
Minato: Tell me something I don't know. I had three reverses thanks to him.
Ryoji: Shut up.
Aigis: I will be by your side. When you are sleeping, bathing, using the bathroom, brushing your teeth, changing your cloths, breathing, ect, ect.
Minato: Uhhh … yay?
Junpei: I wish I had a girl that would do those things with me. Hell I'll settle for a suicidal gothloli.
Ryoji: Careful what you wish for.
And so the four of them headed to the dorm were apparently Aigis is staying. However on the way they were intercepted.
Metis: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!
At that point Minato and Aigis were crushed by ten tons of robot.
Metis: Hey! I'm not that heavy.
Minato: MY RIBCAGE!
Aigis: Metis, go home.
Metis: But sister! I want to hang with you.
Aigis: Not now, I'm preparing for second base.
Junepi: Dude!
Ryoji: No way!
Minato: For some reason I'm not as thrilled as you two.
Metis: What's second base? May I go with you.
Junpei: Double dude!
Ryoji: Minato forget that they are robots! THIS IS EVERY MANS DREAM!
Aigis: FIRE!
Junpei and Ryoji: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Metis: Who are they?
Aigis: I don't really know or care.
Metis: And who is he?
Aigis: This is Minato. I will protect him from now on.
Metis: Awww, but who will I play dolls with?
Junpei: Dolls?
Metis: You wanna see them?
Ryoji: No.
Metis: Too bad. RISE SHINING GUNDAM!
(G Gundam theme plays)
Metis: Do you like it?
Junpei: (jaw-dropped)
Ryoji: THAT'S NOT A DOLL! THAT'S A GUNDAM!
Metis: Then let's play!
Ryoji: Suuureeeee…If I get one too.
Metis: Okay (hands him a Barbie doll). There, let's play!
Junpei: …
Minato: …How old are you?
Metis: I'm six years old!
Aigis: She was developed six years ago and I was developed fifty years ago.
Minato: But you both look seventeen!
Junpei: Dude…robots…
Minato: Oh yeah…