This is the POV of Addison Forbes-Montgomery when she was 16 years old.
Her friend committed suicide, leaving her dealing with the entire pain and heart ache.
"Are you vulnerable?" A question I always answered with a simple "No" because I never was. It was an answer without hesitating. One I was entirely sure of.
I´ve always been strong and independent.
But then again, have been, past tense.
Not since I experienced life´s harsh site. A site that makes you cry yourself to sleep. A site you´ve always been afraid of.
Nothing is like it was. It had changed in a blink of an eye, or it had been going on all along, I don´t know.
Maybe I was too busy with myself to notice.
There are moments in life that make you realize, even if you want to deny it, that you´re just as vulnerable as everyone around you.
You realize what life is really all about.
It´s not about makeup, shoes or a great career.
It´s about the people in your life, those we often take for granted.
You never know how much a person means to you until he or she isn´t around anymore.
I lie asleep at night, thinking about what I could´ve done to save her.
My head is telling me to stop and that there really was nothing I could´ve done before.
But my heart is aching. A pain so intoxicating I never knew exists.
Deep down I know that there was something, something I just didn´t see or maybe didn´t want to see.
I´ve never been a fan of philosophy. "Does the table exist just because we see it?".
I never wasted my time thinking about it.
But now everything has changed.
I´m tossing and turning in bed, searching for the hidden answer to the question of my misery.
"Was there something I could´ve done? Or do I just not see it?".
It´s the question that has been bothering me since my beloved friend committed suicide.
My jaw clenches and my eyes burn with tears whenever I think of what had happened not so long ago.
I want to forget.
I so badly want to forget it. I want everyone around me not to talk anymore, not to mention her name or anything related to what had caused my world to break.
The pieces everywhere.
I know I can never fully get them all together again, they drifted apart.
Drifted apart just like me and the world around me.
I´m an open person, speak my mind.
Or more I was.
That´s the past, now I´m alone.
Like to distance myself as far as I can from my surroundings.
I prefer walking alone, not talking, just thinking.
People tell me I have to stop doing this to myself.
Not to blame myself for what had happened.
But how could I?
I don´t even listen to them anymore, every voice like a million miles away, talking to me through a big wall.
The wall that makes me different from the others.
It keeps me for myself, protects the little faith I have left.
Not blaming myself.
I used to help people through hard times, read psychology articles because I was interested in it.
Always telling myself that when I was ever in such a situation, I´d talk about it, let others know how I feel, realize that there really was nothing I could have done to make a difference.
But now I´m trapped in this vicious cycle.
I can´t do anything about it, even if I wanted to.
Which I basically don´t.
Not blaming myself would mean accepting that I could never change the world, never making a difference.
As a child you live in this dream world, thinking if you stand up for someone or something you believe in you could make a difference.
But one day morn you wake up and the world is all in flames.
Everything you ever believed in is shattered.
Every value your parents taught you.
Nothing left to believe in.
And accepting this hurtful truth is worse than telling yourself you´re partially responsible to what happened.
You can´t sleep at night, don´t really care.
Because what you care about is gone.
Tears stream down my face and I feel my stomach clench, my hands shaking.
I don´t cry in public, never have.
No matter how bad the situation I´m caught in is, no matter how much it hurts.
In public there is this sudden self control.
Everything that lets you keep the last piece of dignity that is left inside of you.
Letting others know how you feel leads to pity, which I despise.
I don´t need people feeling sorry for me.
All I want to do is just wake up from this horrible nightmare under which's spell I am under.
But I don´t and I doubt I ever will.
The hurt is too big.
Winding a tape back at the end of a sad movie, that´s what we all do.
Having faith is just human.
But the way I see it, it´s a deadly sin.
Faith is something that can vanish.
It goes away, letting you realize that the end of everything isn´t something that depends on faith.
After the suicide attempt I went to church.
I´m not religious but when it comes to having to face a crisis, you need something to believe in.
Believe in a god.
Believe that there is something or someone who can make it all go away.
Hopefully, even if your faith is broken, you´re left with trust.
Not in my case.
I lost everything.
I don´t care about good grades, eating or sleep.
What´s left to trust in if you lost a person who was important to you?
You prayed you had faith; you lit a candle in the church.
All that to find out that the human heart and mind doesn´t depends on a god or you lighting a little candle.
It´s just wax.
Nothing more.
Believe is something you either have or not.
You can´t earn it in life, but you can lose it.
When I grew up I went to church with my parents, every Sunday.
But I decided for myself that so much I had learned there was against what I believe in.
I believe in medicine, in things you can see and would never consider the bible as a scientific document, even if some people do.
It´s something you decide while growing up.
My fingers are cold, my stomach filled with pain.
And I feel empty.
After crying attacks and nightmares that follow me whenever I close my eyes, there´s nothing left.
First you´re shocked, then angry, then you cry and let go.
But when you think you´re stuck in the worst phase there come the self doubts.
You begin to tell yourself things you and every part of your body hates you for.
It´s self-destructive, I´m well aware of this, but stopping to feel this way is easier said than done.
No one in a situation I am trapped in can snap their fingers and make it go away.
We all wish we could.
Being in control is something I need.
Controlling my life gives me the knowledge that whatever goes wrong comes from planning wrong.
But there´s nothing you really can plan through.
Things happen and make you realize how soon your plan is just a piece of paper, without any influence on what´s happening.
I have to deal with this.
Deal with it myself.
And I will fight and get past it.
But when?
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