NEEDING TO KNOW
SHAY couldn't sleep. After spending two hours tossing and turning, her room had felt like a cage, and she was suffocating. She needed to leave and get out—feel Chicago's cold night air on her face and hands. No matter how hard she tried to suppress it, her mind kept wandering back to one thought: Clarice.
And it was driving her crazy.
Earlier, Severide had decided to help take her mind off things by taking the both of them to a strip club. Sipping on cheap beer and watching the ladies had been a welcome distraction for Shay, even if the strip club had been more for him than her. She had been enjoying herself until a woman with long dark hair, brown eyes, fair skin, and probably 5 foot 2 without her heels, approached her for a lap dance that Severide had paid for. She wasn't sure if it was the cheap beer on top of the exhaustion she was feeling from that day, but the stripper had bore a striking resemblance to Clarice, and even though Shay knew that it was impossible for that woman to be Claire (after all, Clarice was very much pregnant, and married, and not a stripper), her mind had tricked her into thinking she was back at their apartment, and Clarice was in front of her. She was just about to lovingly tuck a strand of hair, that fell in front of the stripper's face, behind the woman's ear—something she had always done to Claire (which Claire had loved)—when she realized what she was going to do. Horrified, she got up from her chair so quickly that she spilt beer on herself and almost fell backwards, before running out of the club, and hearing Severide call after her.
She had convinced Severide, and herself, that her sudden reaction in the club was due to the cheap beer on an empty stomach, and that she just needed some air. Severide did not try to contest that claim, and suggested they just call it a night.
However, Shay couldn't sleep. Instead, she snuck out of the apartment she shared with Severide, and walked the near empty night streets until she hopped on a bus, then another one, and then another one, until she found herself standing in front of her old apartment building she shared with Clarice.
THE apartment building had long since been vacated, and now it was a victim of urban-street living, with graffiti painted on the walls, boarded up windows, and a huge 'NO TRESSPASSING' sign located at the front. It had turned out that the leaky faucets was not just a problem Shay and Clarice had faced, but other tenants as well. The Land Lord had been negligent in getting it fixed, despite complaints, until the main pipe exploded causing severe damage. Water had gotten into the walls, and everyone was forced to evacuate due to unsafe living conditions from mold.
Shay had been devastated when she was forced to leave. At the time this happened, Clarice and her had been separated for two months, and despite the boys at the firehouse saying she should take this as a sign, she was reluctant to go because after all, she did love the apartment. It wasn't until Dawson had pulled her aside and said that it wasn't so much the apartment she had loved, but who was in the apartment with her, that made Shay realize she was still holding on to the hope that Clarice would come walking back in any day, ready to resume their life together.
At that time, realizing Clarice would never be coming back was the most devastating blow Shay had ever received. She had spent a lot of nights, after the break up, wondering why Clarice left, and for the most part reasoned that it was because of cold feet—that maybe the relationship was moving too fast, and Clarice needed some time, or was scared of commitment—because, in a way, she could understand those things.
What she couldn't understand though was seeing Clarice again, over a year and half later, married and pregnant. Not only was it shocking to see her settled down and starting a family in such a short period of time from when they were together, but it was beyond devastating because the reasons Shay had told herself about Claire having commitment issues, to help her sleep at night, had all been lies, and now she needed to know if those three years spent together had meant anything to Clarice, and if she had ever loved her at all.
THIRTY minutes, and a taxicab ride later; Shay was standing outside Clarice's new place. She had no idea what she was even doing here in the first place. She contemplated knocking on Clarice's door and demanding her mother's blues records back, along with some answers as to why she could break her heart so easily. And even though she realized how bad this situation was, there was a light that was still on in the home, and she could see two distinct shadows through the window. She just needed some answers.
She was about to cross the street, when an approaching car stopped in front of her. The passenger window rolled down to reveal Dawson.
"Get in the car," Dawson said, but it came off more as a demand.
Shay was surprised and confused to see Dawson. She couldn't even fathom how she even knew to look for her.
"Shay," Dawson called out again, snapping Shay from her thoughts. "Get. In."
Shay diverted her eyes from Dawson and back to Clarice's new home, where the light had just turned off. Shay let out a sigh before stubbornly opening up the passenger car door and getting in. She didn't bother looking at Dawson, but she could feel Dawson's eyes on her.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Dawson asked while putting the car in park. "Do you realize how creepy this looks?"
"I don't know!" Shay replied back. "What are you doing? How did you even find me?"
"Severide texted me saying he heard you sneak out, and at first I wasn't too worried about that until I got a weird feeling you might do something irrational, so I decided to check out this place, and…voilá, here you are. It was a good thing I was still awake. Also, he called me earlier and said you freaked out at a strip club."
"I didn't freak out," Shay answered defensively.
"Okay, so you didn't almost fall backwards and spill beer on yourself while running out." There was a long moment of silence. "Exactly."
Shay mumbled, "I didn't realize Kelly was my father."
"He's not. He is worried about you. I thought we had this conversation earlier. Nothing good can come from this."
"I know," Shay said submissively, as she allowed her head to rest on the car's passenger window.
"Let's get you home," Dawson said as she put the car in drive. She watched from the corner of her eye to see if Shay was looking back, and thought it was a good sign to see that she wasn't. They rode the rest of the way back to Shay's in silence.
When Dawson finally arrived, she put her car back into park and turned to face her friend, who was getting ready to leave.
"Thanks for the lift," Shay said as her hand gripped the door handle. She was about to pull it open when Dawson automatically locked the doors.
"Come on Dawson, I'm tired," Shay pleaded.
"Me too. But something has been bothering you, and we are going to talk about it because I don't think my brother can get you off of a stalking charge."
"I wasn't stalking," Shay protested.
"No, you just wanted your blues records back."
"Exactly."
"At quarter past midnight?"
"They were still up," Shay said in her defence.
Dawson rolled her eyes.
"Okay. You're right. It was…I was…wrong…I just…I just needed to know."
"Know what?"
"If she even loved me."
Dawson was taken aback at how vulnerable Shay had become after uttering those five words.
"I always thought she just had commitment issues, but when I saw her…maybe she just couldn't commit to me."
"Don't be ridiculous, Shay." Dawson said. "I know for a fact that Clarice loved you. It's one of the reasons I drove around the city looking for you…so her husband wouldn't do anything."
Now Shay was taken aback.
"Don't pretend you didn't see the way her husband was looking at you. Tension was so thick in the back of the Ambo, I could have cut it with a knife."
"Now you're the one being ridiculous."
"No, seriously, for a man who was married and had a baby on the way, he was jealous. Believe me. He viewed you as a threat, and people are only threatened by those who stand a chance."
"I seriously doubt that…"
"A part of you must have believed that to put her in the back of our Ambo."
"That wasn't the reason. I put her in the back of our Ambo because I didn't trust the other guys with Clarice."
"Because you still love her," Dawson said.
"Of course I still love her!" Shay finally admitted out loud not only to Dawson, but also to herself. Those words were still fresh in her ears, and she realized what she had just said. This time, more quietly, she added, "Oh god. I still love her."
Dawson put a comforting hand on Shay's arm. "I don't know why Clarice left you. But I know it wasn't because she didn't love you."
"And how could you be so sure?"
"Because you don't give your number out to someone you never loved or don't care about…not after all that time. And also, I saw the way she looked at you."
"And how did she look at me?"
"With regret."
Shay heard the car doors unlock, but didn't make a move to open it.
"And if you think I am saying this because you are my friend, and I am trying to make you feel better, you are wrong. She is still unavailable, and it still sucks what she did to you, but it wasn't your fault the relationship ended, and I am not going to sit here and listen to yourself convince yourself that Clarice didn't love you, because we both know that is a lie."
Dawson could see Shay think about what she had just said. There had been many times, in those three years when Clarice and Shay had been together that Dawson questioned how Shay could be with someone who seemed full of herself, but the one thing she never questioned was the fact that it was clear Clarice loved Shay, and Shay loved her back. And it wasn't just evident to her either. Even the boys at the firehouse had seen this, and that is why they had kept their mouth shut in front of Shay.
"Thanks for the ride, Dawson. I appreciate you saving me again. I really do."
"Anytime," Dawson said, as Shay got out of the car and shut the door. She watched as Shay headed toward her building entrance, before she turned back and headed toward the window. She tapped on it lightly.
Once the window was rolled down, Shay said, "You really think her husband viewed me as a threat?"
Dawson laughed while nodding her head. "Yes. And between you and me, she clearly downgraded."
"Downgraded? That guy is filthy rich."
"And she is his trophy wife. But that's her problem now, not yours."
Shay nodded her head. "Good night, Dawson."
"Good night, Shay. See you tomorrow."
Shay stepped back from the car, and watched as Dawson pulled away. There was one more thing she needed to do.
SHAY parked her car across the street from her old apartment. Dawson had been right about so many things, and she was thankful that Dawson had stopped her from making a fool out of herself. But she would be lying if seeing Clarice again did not bring up old feelings, or rather the realization that she still had feelings. She approached the old apartment building, ignoring the No Trespassing sign. In hindsight, if she did get caught, she would probably be in a lot of trouble, but it wasn't like she was going to go inside the building.
One of the windows at the bottom had been broken and replaced with plywood that looked like someone had tried to bust it open, while someone else had painted graffiti over it. It didn't matter to her because she saw what she needed. The other day when Dawson had caught her trying to phone Clarice, and tonight, Dawson had been trying to tell her one thing: to leave the past in the past. She hadn't done a good job of that, and if she ever wanted to move on and settle down she would have to let Clarice go. At least now she knew that in spite of everything, those three years had been real, and not on her part.
Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out Clarice's number and folded it into a tiny piece.
"Good-bye Clarice," Shay said as she shoved the piece of paper into the small hole. "I really did love you."