And Now a Message from Our Sponsor
METTATON: And now the Prairie New New Home Companion with a Killer Robot brings you a little relationship advice from our new sponsor, the Ketchup Advisory Board. Cue the tinkly piano, Blooky…[Piano music starts to play]
SANS: These are the good years for Papyrus and me. The Barrier has been destroyed and all the monsters are happy, except for Asgore, and even he's settled down a lot these days, after Tori secured the restraining order. Frisk insisted on inviting Flowey over for dinner on Thursday night and at one point he called me a meddling know-it-all with a Napoleon complex who helped Frisk to ruin his life forever, but he said it in more of a resigned than a mean way like he usually does, so that's good. Grillby learned about a human dish called saganaki at a convention of restaurateurs last month, and now Grillby's serves every one of its entrees doused in brandy and set on fire. So, we should have been happy. Then last night I came home from a tiring day of napping at my hot dog stand to find my brother in our kitchen, surrounded by cookbooks and dirty pots and pans, eating store-brand garlic alfredo sauce straight out of the jar with a serving spoon.
PAPYRUS: Nyoo hoo hoo… [sounds of spoon rattling against glass]
SANS: Paps! What's wrong?
PAPYRUS: Oh, Sans, I've found out something terrible! Boyfriend's been lying to me about liking my cooking! Nyoo hoo… [more clinking glass sounds] Damn, this jar's almost empty.
SANS: I see. You've only just learned this?
PAPYRUS: Yes! I went to Mettaton's recording studio yesterday because he'd overslept with me that morning and left the house in a hurry without taking his leather collar and—
SANS: Whoa there, bro, way too much information. This is a family program, remember?
PAPYRUS: Nyeh! I'm sorry. Anyway...when I was waiting in the lobby I overheard Boyfriend complaining to Napstablook that he was getting a little sick of eating burnt noodles every time he spent the night with me! When just the night before he'd looked me at me with those dreamy pink eyes of his and fluttered his dark lashes and told me he couldn't wait to try my ravioli! Nyoo hoo hoo…
SANS: I see. Does that have something to do with why you've gone through every bit of kitchen equipment we have trying to make...what were you trying to make?
PAPYRUS: I tried to make lots of things that weren't pasta! I tried to make a cheese souffle but it kept collapsing in the oven, then I tried to make chicken and rice but the rice all stuck to the bottom of the pan, then I tried to make grilled cheese sandwiches and burned through an entire loaf of bread…
SANS: Also there's what looks like lumps of pizza dough hanging off the ceiling. How did that get there?
PAPYRUS: I was getting desperate, Sans, so I asked Undyne for advice. She told me that Mettaton would fall in love with me all over again if I gave him homemade pizza, but she insisted I had to toss the crust by hand. She tried all afternoon to teach me how to do it but I couldn't! I just can't throw as hard as she can! Nyoo hoo...Sans, how can I face Mettaton when I see him again?
SANS: Well, Paps, for one thing, next time Metty suggests eating out, like he does every time he comes over, it might help if you take the hint.
PAPYRUS: But...but I thought he was just worried I was going to too much trouble cooking and wanted to save me effort! I keep telling him I don't care how much work it takes to make homecooked meals for my sweet, handsome boyfriend!
SANS: Bro, your boyfriend was just trying to be nice to you.
PAPYRUS: But it's dishonest to say things that aren't true, even if you're trying to be nice! Shouldn't you always be honest with those you love?
SANS: Paps, as you get older you'll find that lying is an integral part of all healthy relationships. Alphys lies to Undyne about how much she spends on dakimakuras and catgirl collectibles. I lie to Tori about liking snail pie. And Chara once had Asriel convinced for a week that cows lay eggs and that's why they're shelved with the butter. It's just part of how we all get along with each other.
PAPYRUS: I don't know, Sans. If Mettaton really cared about me, wouldn't he have told me openly that he was sick of my cooking?
SANS: Don't think of it that way, bro! Think of it like this: he doesn't want you to stop doing something he knows you really enjoy. Especially since afterwards you're so excited from making dinner for him that you drag him to your bedroom and make him scream like a banshee till one in the morning.
PAPYRUS: Sans! I thought you said this was a family show!
SANS: Oops. Uh...well, I admit that it's been getting on my nerves a bit these last few nights and it kinda slipped out.
PAPYRUS: Brother! Have you been hiding things from me too?!
SANS: Every day, bro, because you're the coolest brother ever and you deserve a happy life of blissful ignorance.
PAPYRUS: Nyoo, Sans, I'm so confused now..
SANS: Paps, I wonder if you've been getting enough ketchup. Fancy Italian sauces aren't good for your peace of mind. But ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that make it easier to deal with the compromises of everyday life. And extra endorphins to help you forget that you learned how to cook from a fish warrior who thinks aquarium sand is a seasoning.
PAPYRUS: Maybe you're right, Sans.
SANS: Your big bro is always right, Paps. Tell you what. I'll help you clean up a bit and then you can cook us up a big batch of spaghetti and serve it the way it was meant to be eaten. With lots of red stuff on top of it.
PAPYRUS: You mean...with ketchup?
SHYREN [singing along to piano music]: These are the good years / We're full of hopes and dreams / The wildflowers are blooming / The fish swim in their stream / Love is flowing / Like ketchup on Nice Cream.
METTATON: Ketchup! For the good times!
SHYREN [singing]: Ketchup!...Ketchup!