Disclaimer: don't own

Elliot had always had two rules he held close to his heart. Always follow the rules of the bible, and don't try to fight the inevitable.

But right now, those two were hopelessly conflicted. What his heart told him was, according to the good book, forbidden.

He didn't know when it had happened. It just crashed on him one night, with enough force to stop him in his tracks. He pushed the thought away- a few Hail Mary's, a confession every so often- and at first, it worked. "O my god, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee…" and it truly seemed to work. It seemed like he really could pray and stop the thoughts- he had managed to stop the impure thoughts for a long while. He thought he was being tested in his faith by God, and He would see Elliot through. If he prayed enough, if he resisted temptation.

But each Act of Contrition only made the thoughts vanish for a little while, until they were back again, more intense than ever before. Eventually, he stopped going to confession about it. Elliot was the model altar boy; no one suspected a thing.

But Elliot knew. And it was frustrating him. How? How could he, a 45 year old with a wife and five kids, be attracted to a man? It was impossible. Surely ever bit of evidence before him- his body's reaction, his dreams, and his desires- he couldn't believe them.

He hadn't been able to believe that he was falling for George, the day he realized it. Elliot hadn't liked George at first. No, he'd hated him. But then, gradually, they began to warm up to each other. He bonded with George and found that they were more compatible than he thought. They got coffees and ate lunch together, talking about the little things- George's nieces and nephews, Elliot's own children, childhood memories- it had been amazing.

And then, before Elliot realized what was happening, he was in love with him. George would mention a casual date, and a painful stab of jealousy would hit him. He'd give George a ride home and then have to fight not to pin him to the window and kiss him. He had had to bite his tongue, more than once, to keep himself from asking George if he could stay at his house.

Then, one night, Kathy had told him that it couldn't work. They'd tried, for little Eli's sake, to be together, but it just wasn't working. It was his fault- he was married to his job. But he couldn't quit, so he lost Kathy.

George had been there for him through all the tears and frustration. He'd even managed to turn shrink mode off- they watched stupid movies and ate box after box of Chinese takeout instead of talking directly about their feelings. Elliot had never wanted anyone to be his more than he wanted George that night. He wanted so desperately to be with him.

He could almost feel George's body against his own. He wanted him. He didn't know how it had happened, but Elliot Stabler, the world's straightest cop, model Catholic and father of five… wasn't the world's straightest cop or a model Catholic.

A question brought him out of his thoughts. "Elliot, are you okay?" George asked softly from across the table. They'd just gotten done interviewing the worst perpetrator they'd seen in a long time. A serial rapist, who seemed likely to get off on a psych defense, despite all the traumatized victims and a clear knowledge of right and wrong.

Elliot didn't feel up to grappling with himself and trying to hide his feelings from George. "I'm fine, doc," He replied tartly, hoping George would get the message..

"You only call me 'doc' when you aren't fine at all," George informed him.

"It's nothing. Really." After lying to George for all these months, months of hiding his biggest secret, the lie slipped almost easier from his lips than the truth ever would. It would be a cold day in hell before he told George how much he cared.

"Elliot, you aren't fine. You're agitated. What's bothering you?" George asked knowingly.

"That scumbag-" He inclined his head towards the door- "He pisses me off." He gave a frustrated huff when George opened his mouth to reply. As much as Elliot cared for George, he didn't want to be psychoanalyzed by him. He didn't want the truth to come out. So he decided to push George away.

"Elliot-" George began, only to be cut off.

"I don't want to be analyzed right now, okay? I'm leaving." He stood up. George stopped him and set a hand on his shoulder.

"Elliot, if you just say what's bugging you-"

Elliot shook his head and interrupted again. "I'm not going to tell you, doc."

"Does talking make you feel vulnerable? Does it make you feel weak?" George pressed.

Keep pushing it, doc- really nice. "You're one to talk about weak," Elliot hissed. He was surprised at the words themselves, and outright shocked by the venom behind them. He didn't want to make George angry with him, he just wanted to leave.

George's eyes narrowed. "And what do you mean by that?"

The reply came too easily. "Guys like you. What, are you afraid of women, or something?" Great, now he's going to know for sure that I'm… repressed. Way to go, Stabler.

"Excuse me? Where the hell did that come from?" George exclaimed. He looked disgusted. "I never used Kathy leaving against you- so why would you use this against me?" That's different, George. Kathy leaving doesn't make you any more attainable.

"Well, you're just a holier-than-thou saint then," Elliot mocked. WHY am I being such a prick to him? I'm going to ruin any chance- no, what am I talking about? There is no chance.

"What did I do to piss you off?" George hissed.

"Besides always trying to prove that you're right even when you aren't?"

"Fuck off and get the hell out of my way," George said lowly. "I don't know why you feel the need to use me as an emotional punching bag, but I'm done." He started walking to the door. Great, I blew it.

"Here, let me give you a hand!" Elliot snarled. He fisted his hand in George's shirt and pushed him roughly. George hit his head on the wall and let out a shout of pain. Oh shit.

"Elliot, go to hell. I can't believe I actually thought I would grow to like you if I gave you time," George said acidly.

"Try to like me? Don't you mean try to get in my pants?" Elliot asked furiously. What the hell, Stabler?

George walked over to him and punched him with surprising strength. "Now why would I want to sleep with an arrogant prick like you? If I didn't know you better, I'd say it's you who wants to sleep with me!"

Elliot froze. George let out a humorless laugh.

"Fuck you." Elliot hissed. He stormed out of the room and to the parking lot.

Only then did he realize what had happened. "He's never speaking to me again. I blew it!" He whispered to himself. "Why did I do that?"