Benjamin
Today was the day. Graduation. I stood in my room, looking at my closet, knowing it was futile. I didn't think I was going to wear anything in it. I wasn't even bothering to pretend to consider picking something out.
The last month had been a blur. Mom had pitched a fit when she realized that Edwina was driving me to and from school. She had really yelled at me for the first time since I could remember. She had me doing even more chores and mandated that I was to drive my own truck to and from school and work every day. I agreed, and Edwina rode with me every morning.
It was easy for her. Her ability to move at blinding speeds from her house to mine in a blink of an eye notwithstanding, all she had to do was leave with me in the morning. She was, after all, staying sleeplessly in my bed with me every night as I slumbered. Just this morning, I was teasing her about how incredibly boring it must be, saying that I would have to bone up on my book collection just so she would have something to do whilst I was out. She smiled and said nothing, just looking at me. It shut me right up, mostly because I couldn't not kiss her when she looked at me that way.
I loved her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And I knew that today was a big step in making that day a reality. If my future sister-in-law would just get here already.
"You know me too well," sighed Alice, sitting on my windowsill with a dry-cleaning back over one shoulder. She pulled out a very dressy but simple white button up shirt, a navy blue tie with matching handkerchief, and a tailed black overcoat.
"Third pair of jeans and the black belt," she said, and I took them out, she turned back towards the window as I quickly stripped out of my clothing.
"So," she said meaningfully, "do you make Edwina turn away when you change."
"No," I said simply. "I change in the bathroom."
I could practically felt her pouting.
"You two are becoming less and less fun to live vicariously through," she said, and I could tell by her voice at she was building me up. "I will have to do something about that."
The shirt half buttoned and half untucked, I bounded across the room.
"You have it?" I asked.
She turned, and my little future sister held up a simple white little box, its size unmistakable, beaming at me the way only she could. I hugged her, and she promptly pinched my mouth shut as she was not supposed to be in my bedroom and my mother was downstairs. Setting her down, I opened the box.
It was an old ring, a bit large and oval, almost gaudy, yet it made up for it with an elegant simplicity. The band was almost tiny, the many round stones placed so that a least one was always catching the light, no matter what angle you looked at it from. It shown like she did under the brilliant sun.
This ring belonged to Elizabeth Mason, Edwina's human mother. She had lost it upon her mother's death, pilfered by some hospital orderly who had a side business going on, apparently expecting a little extra for risking his life during the influenza outbreak. It had gone into circulation, and while Edwina had done her immortal best over the years, she could only find places it had been. She had asked for Alice's help several times, but Alice had had some forethought on the matter, as was her way.
She had said that she had been unable to find it, but had, in fact, located it very easily in the home of a private collector in the south who was very fastidious about keeping his treasure trove a secret.
"The fool did everything he could to sell me on the idea that it had once belonged to some obscure European royal family," she scoffed. "However, he was asking for a third of what I had been prepared to pay, and I told him so once the deal was done. After stating that I was a member of the International British Conservation Society and produced the paperwork that proved he was lying about the ring, I said that I was blacklisting him and informing those in notable circles of his double dealings. Anyone who works with him in the future will have him grateful that they would be willing to do so at all and too embarrassed to be anything but above board. He won't cheat anyone in the future."
I raised an eyebrow at her, "British?"
"I am very knowledge about such things," she said in a startlingly impressive British accent before returning to her usual voice. "Now, I have to make your lovely lady and myself presentable. I will see you at school. Oh, and one small thing."
She smiled, half out the window, sitting upon the sill as though it were a swing, leaning back, her hands lightly gripping the frame.
"We are trying to keep a low profile," she said. "Vampire, remember? If you do decide to use that ring today, don't be too conspicuous when you ask her. Because, believe me, you two have already gotten enough attention."
She wasn't wrong. After three days of staying apart at school once the Cullens had returned to Forks, we had gone back to being a couple. We had tried to be low key about it, but people talk, and talk, and talk. I was pretty sure that my mother had heard about it by lunchtime that day, along with Persian goat herders and Aboriginal tribesmen. We were pretty much the hot new old couple around school, inseparable with identical schedules, reunited and undeniably happy. With graduation coming up, it felt like people were trying to squeeze all the gossip and vicarious enjoyment that they could out of it while they still had the chance.
Jesse was wooing and trying to fist-bump me ever few hours at school. Angelo was nice, as ever. Mickie was pleasant enough, but I noticed that she was marking her territory around Jesse a lot more, practically hanging on him and making out with him whenever Edwina was around. Just about everybody else wanted to know what had happened, what was happening now, and what our plans for the future were.
Edwina had been instrumental in future part of things. I had the feeling that she was purposefully trying to distract me from any possibility other than more school. Whenever we talked about plans after school, she brought up college. Before her first week back was out, she was coaching me through applications and essays and picking a school. And, that's how I wound up enrolled in Dartmouth next fall. With Edwina.
"I'll keep that in mind," I said.
And I meant that. What she said made sense. I knew now that I wasn't going to do it at the school. Seriously thinking about it, I knew there was only one place that I could really do it. I was going to ask her at the meadow. Our meadow; the place of our first kiss, the place where I told her that I loved her.
Alice sighed, "You are such a sap! I love it!"
She slipped out the window without as much as a goodbye. I placed the ring carefully in my coat pocket. I had my hand pretty much down my pants as I was tucking in my shirt, which made me jump as Alice's head popped back up.
"Oh," she said, "one last thing. I have gone to great lengths to hide this from Edwina and everyone, so if you wreck all my hard work, I won't forgive you for forty years or so. You have been warned."
"Alright," I said. "Just don't break my window. I'll see you at graduation."
"The first of many," she beamed and was gone.
I put on the coat and was trying to fix the tie when there was a knock at the door, "Ben?"
"I'm decent," was my usual opening when she called at my door.
She walked in and gasped.
Granted, my hair was still too short to be messy, and I was standing there with my tie undone, but if I knew Alice like I knew Alice, I looked good.
"Oh Ben," she said thickly. And I turned to see that she had tears in her eyes. "You're growing up."
I snorted, holding the ends of the tie, completely at a loss, "If you say so. I am still hopeless at some things."
She walked in and started sorting out the tie, though she obviously wasn't much better at it than I was.
"Ben," she said, her attention more on what she was doing. "We haven't really talked all that much about the future lately. I know it's your life and all, and you are welcome here as long as you want, but Pen-Col will only get you so far. At some point, you are going to have to get out there, get your own place, maybe go to another school afterward. Have you thought about that any?"
I hadn't told her that my plans had changed, for obvious reasons. I'm sure she would find the idea of me running off with Edwina to go to school in the fall about as appealing as performing her own appendectomy. But, now was the time, and I couldn't put this off any longer.
"Mom," I said. "I'm not going to Pen-Col."
She glanced up at me briefly, hidden suspicion still creeping into her face.
"Oh," she said, looking back to the tie. "Where will you be going?"
"New Hampshire," I said carefully.
She stopped what she was doing, "New Hampshire?"
"To Dartmouth," I said, as though resigned.
He expression was blank. When she spoke, there was a quaver in her voice, "You're going to Dartmouth?"
"Yeah," I said.
She hugged me. Abruptly. She pulled away quickly, though. It was more than either of us could stand.
"Oh wow, honey!" she said. "That's amazing! I didn't know you were applying there! Why didn't you tell me?"
I swallowed, "Because Edwina encouraged me to do it."
She stilled and face became neutral.
"She's going too?" she asked.
I held my breath, "Yeah."
She sighed, "Okay, well, I get why you didn't tell me, I guess."
"Mom," I said. "I-"
She held up a hand, "No, no. You don't have to say anything. I mean, if you were going to go to a community college, and she talked you into Dartmouth, there really isn't anything I can say about it. I don't want you to get hurt like I did, is all. I guess I will just have to figure out how to let that one go. Anyway, I'm really going to miss you, kid."
I hugged her, close and long, "I'm going to miss you too, Mom."
We pulled back.
"What's this?" she asked.
And, before I could even consider what was about to happen, she reached into my coat's inside pocket and pulled out the small white box.
I froze. What could I do? What could I say?
She opened it. It was her turn to freeze.
It's funny how the world never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
I didn't move. I didn't breath. I just stood there in hopes that she might just forget I was in the room.
"This is an engagement ring," she said, as though hoping I might contradict her.
I couldn't figure out how to make my lungs work right.
"Yes," I said, my voice almost cracking, a bit squeaky.
Her eyes went wide, as everything opened up to her.
My father had spent his entire life saying that if I ever got engaged before I left high school, he would strangle me. Today, I was out of high school. We were going off to school in the fall together. We could very well be moving in together, which was the plan. She realized that I was taking a one-way trip into adulthood, and my mom looked like she was considering standing on the tracks, even though there was no way to stop the train in time.
"No," she said.
"No?" I asked, not sure how to respond.
"No," she said again, but her tone was different. "Not no, no, I mean. I guess, I just mean I wouldn't. If I were you."
I thought about that.
"Why?" I asked, mostly because it was the first thing that came into my head.
"Because," she said, "you're young."
"And?" I asked. "I know what I want."
"You really should date more before making such an important decision," she went on.
"I did that," I said. "I dated Josie. Really hard to make a better choice than that. Didn't matter."
"You," she said, stumbling for more, "you don't know what you're getting yourself into."
"I don't know what I'm getting myself into whenever I walk out the door," I said. "I'm willing to roll with it."
"People change," she said.
"I plan to," I said, trying not to laugh about how true that was, "but not about this. I love her, Mom. I did everything I could to deny it. But I can't change it, and I wouldn't even if I could. She's my world. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, forever."
She stared at me, having no idea how real a possibility that was for us.
"But," she said, "and I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm really not. But you're so young, Benji. I mean, what's next? Kids?"
I couldn't help but laugh.
"We haven't had sex, Mom," I said, "and besides, that isn't an issue. Edwina has a condition, mom, remember? If we do have kids, they won't be... Well, they won't be carried by her, at the very least."
For the first time, I saw something give in my mother, with regards to Edwina. She looked wholeheartedly sympathetic and gave a rough, quavering sigh.
"Oh," she said, something sort of deflating in her. "Right. That's, um, that's too bad."
"What?" I asked, looking concerned.
She realized she was still holding the ring box up. And closed it and handed it back to me.
"I've made a lot of dumb decisions, kid," she said. "You were never one of them. I... I was just hoping you would get to feel that, someday."
"I will, Mom," I said, hugging her again. "They may not be ours, but kids is something we could still do. If and when we are ready."
"Don't make me a grandma too soon," she said laughing.
There was a knock at the door.
"That's odd," I said. "She's early. I would have sworn we still had like twenty minutes."
"Maybe she's just early," said Mom as I went downstairs with her behind me, putting the ring back in my pocket.
"You don't know Alice like I do," I said. "Edwina wouldn't have a second to spare, count on it."
I opened the door, and froze, "Dad?"
"Hey bud!" said my dad, stepping in with a carry-on bag in hand. "How you been?"
"Dad!" I said again, loud with enthusiasm and hugged him. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Language!" he said grinning, hugging me back. We parted and he smiled up the stairs. Mom was standing about three steps up, unmoving.
"Hello Ray," she said, not exactly unfriendly but certainly a little stiff.
"Hi Carrie," he said. "Don't worry. I'm not expecting you to put me up. I'm just here for the graduation and then I have a hotel back in Port A waiting for me."
"You're not staying?" I asked, genuinely unhappy.
"Sorry, Benji," he said. "It's an early flight. I'm just staying for the ceremony."
I could tell he didn't want to make a fuss, so I let it go.
"I'm so glad you're here dad," I said, taking his bag and walking into the living room.
"Where are your cap and gown?" he asked, walking behind me. "We're doing pictures, right?"
Mom sighed, "I was going to wait until the girlfriend showed up."
Dad looked pointedly at me, "What girlfriend?"
Oops.
"The first one," said mom, and suddenly I like having them in the same room a little bit less.
"Oh ho!" said dad. "That's rich. The first real girlfriend you have dumps you while you're in the hospital, and you're taking her back? First I have to hear about Josie half way through you two dating from your mother and now this?! What are you thinking, son!?"
"It gets better," said Mom. I headed her off right there. My dad was not the biggest advocate of young marriage.
"You're right, Dad," I said quickly. "You're totally right. I should have told you. I just... I didn't want you to-"
"Freak out?" asked Dad. "Well, it's a little late for that, Buster Brown! Honestly, what were you thinking, Benji? I have a notion to give this girl a piece of my mind!"
There was a precise knock at the door.
"Now's your chance," said Mom. I walked towards the door, but dad trudged ahead of me and got there first. He pulled the door open abruptly and came up short. I didn't blame him.
Edwina was standing on our doorstep, in all her glorious beauty. Her hair was pulled into a loose sort of messy bun to one side of her face, with a fall of wavy ringlets that fell over a bare shoulder. She wore a simple cream-colored dress with spaghetti straps that cut across the middle of her chest, draped from just below her bust, and came down to her knees. The dress was just a touch lighter than her pale skin, highlighting all her features, accenting the red of her hair and the gold of her eyes. She looked a little embarrassed, bashful almost, her fingers seeming to play with themselves as she clutched her packaged cap and gown before herself, fig-leaf like, one of her knees turning in a bit, presenting her matching sandals with only the barest hint of a heal.
"Hello," she said, polite and a bit off kilter. "Is Ben ready?"
Dad took more than a second to come to grips with the situation, in the meantime, I stepped around my father.
"Hey," I said, and I couldn't keep the resplendent smile off my face any more than she could. Her look was that of someone who had found joy again after years of emotional destitution, of coming home after long toil, of being able to breathe deeply again.
"This is my father," I said, "Raymond Hawkins. Dad, this is my girlfriend, Edwina Elizabeth Cullen."
She gave my dad a radiant smile, and we both were having trouble breathing.
"It is lovely to finally meet you," she said graciously. "I am sorry if my reputation isn't exactly glowing with you. I am sure that you probably have some rather strong feelings about how I have treated your son this past year. Please understand, I firmly believed that leaving Ben as I did was the single worst decision of my life. I have been trying to live every moment that I am with him with that in mind and am trying to make up for that mistake in every way that I reasonably can. I do hope you will forgive me for imperfection, even though I do understand that I don't deserve it and that I haven't the right to ask for it. I can only be grateful that Ben has already found it in his remarkable heart to forgive me my transgression. I love your son. He is the most important man in the world to me. The most important man ever."
She took my proffer arm, as she did ever day at school, and kissed my check, as she always did, and I laid my hand on hers, as I always did.
I swear, my father was choked up. My mother too. She might have had the beginnings of tears in her eyes, so adamant, so heartfelt was Edwina's little speech. I felt like the luckiest man alive.
"I'll get the camera," my mother said quickly.
"I'll help," said my dad just as fast, and they both disappeared into the kitchen.
Edwina smiled at me, and as soon as we were alone, I pulled her into me. She let me, and we thumped against the wall beside the door. We both grinned, trying to maintain the kiss as long as we could despite our laughter.
"I was wondering when that was going to happen," she said as soon as we had parted.
It took me a moment to get her meaning.
"Alice," I asked.
She grinned, "The day of the accident. Even now, it's still coming true for us."
I smiled back, "Yes. You certainly are my dream come true."
Her eyes were so very tender as she kissed me, her lips gentle despite their durability.
"I love you," she said. "I would return the sentiment, but..."
"You don't dream," I said, touching her cheek.
Her lips twitched, her mouth trying to smile though it was smiling already.
"You are a wonder, my Benjamin," she said.
Before she could say more, there was a beep and a flash. Our gazes didn't leave each others'.
"Wow, you two," said Dad. "Seriously, why didn't you go to prom? You two would have looked amazing together."
Edwina laughed. She couldn't help it. I tried very hard to scowl. I couldn't keep it on my face and smiled at the same time.
"We did," I admitted. "Sort of."
Mom and Dad both looked shocked.
"Ben refused to go into the dance," said Edwina. "And I wanted him to go to at least one. Going to a school dance is such an important part of experiencing high school, and there was only the one dance left. So, we had our own, at my house."
"Benjamin Martin," said my mother. "You were grounded!"
"It was my fault," said Edwina, her twisted expression a perfect balance between repentance and a desire to be understood. "I persuaded him. He was never going to get another chance, and it was because of me that he had been grounded in the first place. How could I let my mistake deprive him of one of the best parts of growing up?"
It was hard not to be taken with her. I was used to it, and even I was ready to console and reassure her. My parents were no better.
"Of course you couldn't," Dad said. "It wasn't as though you were up to anything nefarious or anything."
"There are pictures," she said. "My sister took them. She was rather insistent."
Insistent wasn't the right word. An unstoppable force of nature was closer to correct. What she had done to the living room at the Cullens' home had been rather intense. I was quite sure it was decorated identically to the school gym, so much so that when Alice had shown the pictures to a few kids at school, Jesse was convinced I had been there and that we had exchanged words even. Only Angelo looked confused by the picture but was polite enough not to ask.
"I can have prints made," said Edwina, pulling out her phone and bring up a few that she kept there.
We were standing outside the Cullens' home after dark, the exterior with some amazing lighting. I was well dressed in a formal tux that Alice at tailored to me perfectly even before I had put it on. Edwina was in a wine colored strapless formal dress that she made look amazing. My tie and cummerbund matched the color of the dress. It was the only time I had ever seen her wear makeup and the effect was startling. It was the only time I had seen us together from the outside, and despite my human fallibility and slightly dazed expression, I had to admit we looked good together.
Dancing with Edwina that night had been everything I had wanted. My fantasy of dancing with my girlfriend at a school formal had been fulfilled and had exceeded my expectations. Standing with her, the music playing around us, the world falling away, everything but us seeming distant and unreal. The entirety of the universe narrowed to the single small, two by two space that we stood in, together, basking in the love that we shared for one another. It was the best memory of my life. One of many.
"Aw!" said Dad, looking at the picture. "Look at you two. Carrie! Get over here and look."
Mom walked slowly over, her steps laden, her expression closed. When she looked at the picture, my dad taking her arm, inviting her in, her expression was similar to the one she had had when she came in and saw me dressed for graduation. But this time, there was a sorrowful note to it, a look of obvious regret.
"Hey," said Dad, "hey. None of that now."
"What?" asked mom, somewhat jumpily.
"I know that look," said Dad. "You can't change the past, hon. You just can't. What's done is done. They're here now. Pictures!"
She did not look convinced, but Dad, camera still in hand, threw his arms wide and in a faux basso of comical melodrama, cried, "Pictures!"
My mom's dower mood cracked, and she smiled.
"There's the old girl," said Dad.
"I'm not old," said Mom, a look of semi-endearing annoyance on her face.
"Old you, not you're old," said Dad, stepping back, and holding up the camera. Mom quickly stepped behind him.
"Come on," said Dad. "Let's see a nice one, for the camera this time."
Edwina placed her cap and gown on the small table holding a lap, then stepped into the best-lit corner of the living room. We moved as one, together, arranging ourselves as if we had done this a million times or more, conscious of each other on such a personal level, we functioned as one with total trust. As we found our spot and stood together, a caught dad watching us with an odd awed look.
"Dad?" I asked, and he snapped out of it.
"Right!" he said. "Right!"
We stood, her arm through mine. Dad took the picture.
"One more," he said, "a little closer."
Edwina slipped her arm from mine, sliding it around my back as she stepped closer to me. The cool pressure of it, the slight catching friction, the almost sensuous curving of her arm against me, all had me suddenly more flustered than I would prefer to be in front of my parents.
Smiling at her, I drew up my own arm, raise up and across behind her back, my fingernails and the pads of my fingertips almost lazily drawing across the smooth contours of her skin as I brought my hand to rest on her shoulder. Her eyes, looking into mine, widened, just noticeably. The side of my mouth turned away from my parents quirked upwards, my private smirk to her.
The camera flashed again.
"Oh, you kids are so cute together!" said Dad." Aren't they cute, Carrie?"
"You're gushing, Ray," she said, a little nostalgic chuckle bubbling up in her.
"This is a gush worthy occasion," he protested, not entirely serious. "I'm a gushy person. I'm allowed to gush!"
"Caps and gowns?" asked mom, completely unfazed by dad.
Edwina went to retrieve hers as I did mine, in different directions.
"No," said Dad. "Caps and gowns after! What's the point of getting pictures of you in your caps and gowns before you actually graduate?"
Edwina conceded easily, and I joined her.
"Okay," said Mom. "Um, how are we getting there?"
"I have my Mercedes," Edwina said. "It will fit all of us. You are welcome to drive it. It's insured for all drivers."
My dad raised an eyebrow and glanced out the window.
"Marry her," said Dad.
Mom choked. I laughed as best I could to cover it up. Edwina helped, her ethereal delight bouncing about the room.
We clamored out of the house, pockets check and keys used or exchanged. Edwina and I sat in the back and Mom drove.
"Huh," I said as we sat back. "I've never been in the back seat before."
"Ben," my dad chastised me, "you don't want to admit you've never been in the back seat with a girl to your girlfriend."
I was about to protest when Edwina cut in smoothly, "As opposed to boasting about being in the back seat with a lot of girls?"
"Hmm," my dad said, and I could tell he was impressed. Even mom was fighting a bit of a smile.
"You are killing it with my parents," I all but mouthed so that only she would possibly hear me.
She turned, her mouth to my ear, "Am I really?"
The cool air that passed my ear sent a shiver through me.
Her lips pursed as she tried not to smile.
"Stop that," I said through gritted teeth.
"What are you going to do about it?" she teased back.
Sitting in the car made her skirt rise up above her knee, and with a deft hand, I ran a few finger up the indentation beside her knee, my hand closing to cup her leg rather suggestively.
She jumped, as much as Edwina ever did. She looked me hard in the eyes, her intensity momentarily flaring.
"Hand check," said my dad, turning in his seat. We both immediate raised our hands in plain view, both amused.
We pulled up to the school, which was in utter chaos. With at least three times the usual populace, it was pretty much a madhouse, even if we got there a little early. We parked after circling the lot twice and made our way towards the gym. Half way there, we were nearly mobbed by Jesse and Mickie.
"Hey you two," said Mickie as we walked up, and both came up short when they noticed my dad.
"Hey," I said, "this is my dad. Dad, this is Jesse and Mickie."
They greeted each other politely, and I had just spotted Angelo when, all of a sudden, a small and rather dense person landed on my back.
"Oh, Alice!" I protested before I could even see her, stumbling forward. Edwina steadied me without seeming to.
"We're graduating!" Alice enthused, unable to be diverted as she slid from my back. "Aren't you excited?"
I frowned, "I might be, as soon as my spine returns to its usual shape."
"The sister," I just caught my mom saying to my dad.
Dad looked at her a moment, as though not sure what to make of her. I was about to intercede, in hopes that he would do or say anything rude or embarrassing when he bowed and said, "Lovely to meet you, young lady."
Alice tittered and turned to embrace Jasper, followed by Katherine and Emanuel.
My parents were rather stunned. I guessed even my mom hadn't seen that many of them all together at once. They were very pretty people, after all.
"Hello," said Emanuel. "I'm Edwina's father, Emanuel Cullen. This is my wife, Katherine."
They both smiled and kept out of easy handshake distance. If my parent caught this, they didn't give any sign of it. I think there were just taken off guard by how good they looked. Or how young. Or the fact that they were unnatrual creatures of the night. Either or, really.
"Let's go," they said. "It's going to start soon."
All us kids who weren't wearing caps and gowns started putting them on and affecting Alice's enthusiasm. We joined the throng marching into the gym, finding seats labeled for us. I sat beside D.J. Garrett, who wouldn't stop fussing with her tassel.
At last, the assemblage was beginning. People sat and students were rowdy and everything was loud and full of life.
Ms. Greene took the stage and the ceremony began. The band started up playing something just to get people to hush and settle. When they finished, she began.
I didn't pay that much attention to the speech. I was looking at Edwina, in the seats ahead of me. She was turned sideways talking to Alice, but her face was turned towards me. She eyed me, an odd look of something that looked like speculation in her expression, as though she were wondering where the nearest unoccupied closet might be. But after a moment of just looking at her, everything else just seemed to fade away. It was just her and me, like it had been for that dance.
I almost asked her right then and there. She would have heard me, and I was not sure how she would have reacted. All things considered, knock over chair and students to get to me seemed like a possibility. Before I could do more than consider doing it anyway, Alice pulled her to face the front by taking her hand, looking back at me just long enough to roll her eyes.
We listened as school officials drones on about the future and moving on to better things. I just wanted five minutes with Edwina in the meadow. I was ready. I didn't want to wait anymore.
Alice stood up as they called for the Valedictorian. She walked up on stage, a small speech in her hand.
"Today," she said, "we are graduating. It doesn't matter how many times I say that, it just never gets old!"
There were more than a few laughs, but mine was the loudest.
"We are here to celebrate growing up," she said, "and no matter how much we wish we could know what is ahead of us out there, the only way to know is to get out there and find it. Unless you're psychic, like me."
More laughter.
"We may not like what we see and we may not have any answers at all. But really, what has school prepared us for if not to find answers when we're in a hostile environment?"
More laughter.
"So," she said, "as we move on to whatever comes next for each of us, I strive to remember one thing; of all the things I know, I know that I know nothing the best. So, go. Fail like it doesn't matter and keep looking for your place in the world, no matter how many tries it takes. And above all, party!"
There was a cheer. Half the students gave her a standing ovation, and the rest joined in from the seats. She returned to her chair, and the next thing I knew, Ms. Greene was calling for the front row to stand, and I realized this was it. Each row stood in turn, and then it was our turn. I stood, a bit unsteady, and walked my way up to the stage.
One by one, Ms. Greene shook our hands and handed us our diploma as Mr. What-his-name from the office said our names over the loudspeaker.
"Congratulations, Mr. Hawkins," she said, handing me mine.
I heard my dad whistle and turned to see my parents nearly bouncing in the stands. The Cullens were sitting with them and applauding as well. Edwina had already regained her seat and was smiling broadly at me, undeniable pride on her face.
I smiled and waved and a few of my friend clapped too. I felt rather moved as I walked back down and regained my seat.
And that was it. After a swell of monotonous names and handshakes and given diplomas, we all at our seats again, and Ms. Greene said something about the class of oh six and the students around me exploded. Hats went flying and people rushed from their seats. I barely made it to the aisle before Edwina was beside me, taking my arm.
"I'm so very proud of you," she said.
I smiled, "I would say I'm proud of you as well, but for someone with a photographic memory and who knows how many diplomas already, I'm afraid it won't mean much."
She hugged me, looking into my eyes until I looked back.
"I always want to hear what you have to say," she said. "I don't care if it is commentary on the weather. They're your words, your thoughts, your feelings. They will always be precious to me."
I smiled and gave her a quick peck on the lips, the most we would ever do in school. And ever would do again, because, I realized, it was over. This was it.
"You're precious to me," I said. "I love you as much as my own life."
She grinned, diverting me towards my descending parents.
"Congratulations kid!" said Mom, coming up and giving me a hug, Dad snapping a quick photo before she realized.
"You keep doing that," I said so that only she and the vampires could hear me.
She played it off a bit gruffly as Dad took her place.
"I'm so happy for you, buddy!" he said loudly. "It seems like just yesterday I was changing your diapers-"
"Anyway!" I said loudly, as I did every time he said this.
I turned to where Alice and Edwina were being congratulated and made much of by her parents. They finished and turned their attention back to us.
The three of us stood, and Jasper joined us, and the parents each took it in turn to take pictures with us kids. Finally, after much fussing and Mom finally giving in and taking one picture with just me and my dad, Alice finally beat a path over to the three of us.
"Ben," said Alice, "you are coming tonight, aren't you?"
"Am I?" I asked, having no idea what she was talking about and realizing after the words came out of my mouth that we were in mixed company and she couldn't rightly answer me.
She laughed, "To the party! We're having a graduation party. You're no longer grounded, right? You were only grounded until graduation."
"He was still grounded?" asked Dad. "For the thing with Alaska?"
Mom looked at the floor, "Not the time or the place."
He threw up his hands, "Fine, fine. Of course Ben can go."
"We should talk about this first," said Mom.
"Why shouldn't he go?" asked Dad, sounding defensive.
"We have a family dinner planned," said Mom.
"Enough," I said, loud enough that they both stopped.
"Mom, Dad," I said evenly. "I'm eighteen years old and I just graduated from high school and I'm not grounded. I am old enough to decide for myself if I can go to a party or not."
"We'll be chaperoning the party ourselves," said Katherine. "You're more than welcome to come yourselves, if you like."
"There," I said. "I will go to the parentally supervised graduation party tonight after our dinner. Any arguments?"
I said all this without any anger or frustration. Both my parents deflated immediately.
"Good," I said. I turned and kissed Edwina's offered cheek. "Can I return your car to you tonight?"
She nodded, "Of course."
She exchanged a knowing look with me, and I wondered what she was hearing from my parents that I wasn't. It wasn't until we were half way to the car that I realized that my mom knew that I intended to propose to her and had no inclination not to think of other things while around Edwina.
I spent the car ride in a funk. Alice was going to kill me. Just before we got to the restaurant, I texted her.
Sorry. How mad are you?
She replied right back.
I have not idea what you are talking about. Anything you've done hasn't had any adverse affects on the future as far as I can see. Your dad is cute. Explains so much about you. Edwina would like to tell you that she loves you and you handled your parents very well. Oh and you're dad is going to talk to you about marriage at dinner.
The text arrived in less time than it took to type mine. And it took me a moment to try and figure out if Alice was telling me what was going to happen or if Edwina was saying what she had sensed my dad's intentions were. In the end, I couldn't figure it out.
We ended up at The Lodge, my mom's favorite place to eat out. Apparently it was fairly busy with graduation and all, so it took some time for them to find us a table that could seat three. Luckily, it was near the back and was a little quieter.
We sat and all ordered drinks; water no ice for me, diet sprite for my mom, and a sweet tea for my dad.
"That's new," I said.
He smirked, "Some things about the South grow on you."
"Especially if it's that humid and hot," said Mom.
Dad snorted, "As opposed to humid and cold? No thank you!"
I tried to remember the last time I saw the two of them together like this. I couldn't rightly remember. A Thanksgiving? A Christmas?
"So, Ben," said Dad. "Before we get into the catching up and reminiscing part of the evening, there was something I wanted to talk to you about."
"Oh?" I asked. That was quick. He must really feel strongly about this.
"Look," he said. "I haven't always been the best father to you. I'll be the first to admit it. You probably got into more trouble because of me than you would have on your own growing up. Live and let live. Anyway! But, as your dad, there is something that I do have some experience with, and that's marriage."
He looked at my mom, and to my surprise, she smiled at him. He actually took her hand on the table.
"Ben," he said, "when I was growing up, it was kind of important to get married."
"That's still important today, Dad," I said.
"No, see," he said. "It was really important. Like, no socially acceptable deviations. Things like gay marriage and the like, they were even less socially acceptable then than they are now. Alternative lifestyle wasn't a term much used back then. Gripes! We didn't even have the internet! Could you imagine, Carolyn?"
Mom shook her head, suppressing a smile.
"Anyway," he said. "I couldn't imagine having the internet when I was your age. Or when I was twenty or thirty. Okay, maybe thirty. The point is, your life is going to be completely different from mine. You have all this information at your fingertips, all these things you could do, these different choices. I want to make sure you think all your options through. I'm not telling you what you should do, just that in what you choose, you should just be sure."
I knew my dad well. Even without Alice's prompting, I would have been able to pick this one up.
"Choose about what?" I asked.
"About Edwina," he said. "I mean, seriously, I get it. That didn't make girls like that when I was growing up."
"They made them okay," said mom. Trying to hold in a smile.
Dad smiled too, "Yeah they did."
Mom giggled. She actually giggled. I couldn't remember the last time I heard her laugh. For the briefest moment, she looked years younger, sort of like the pictures I remember back when she was closer to my age, early twenties. She was sort of pretty.
The waiter came and placed our drinks on the table, taking our orders. I had what I always had, chicken fried chicken and curly fries. Mom got her usual, fish and chips, country style. Dad got a baked potato with a side of mashed potatoes and a side salad. My dad, ladies and gentlemen.
"Anyway," said Dad around the interruption. "I'm just saying that I want to make sure you know what you're doing before you do something extreme like propose."
Mom started choking on the sip of soda she had just taken. Dad patted her on the back. Before Mom had regained her composure, I cut in.
"Dad," I said. "I'm sure."
"Sure?" he asked.
"I'm sure about her," I said. "Completely sure."
I pulled out the ring box and slid it to him.
He froze.
"No," he said in disbelief but no defiance.
He opened it and started bouncing in his seat, practically fanning himself.
"Oh buddy!" he said. "I completely agree! I knew it!"
"Dad!" I protested as he leaned a rounded the table and hugged me. "Could you take it down a notch? Small town. I would like her to know before absolutely everyone else."
"So much for making sure that he's sure," snorted Mom, somehow unsurprised.
"And she'll say yes?" he asked, a slightly dreamy look in his eyes.
I smiled, "If I'm sure of anything in this world, it's how I feel about her. If I'm sure of anything else, it's that I have faith that she loves me too. Seeing her and being with her, every day for the rest of forever... It's all I can ask of life."
"But there is more," said Dad. "Kids."
"Oh," said Mom. "She can't..."
Dad looked a little crestfallen.
"We will have kids when we're ready," I said. "They just won't be related to her."
"Wait," said Dad. "Have you and she-"
"No," I cut him off right there, feeling a sudden knife twisting in my gut.
Josie bounded through my thoughts and was gone again.
"No," I said again, more surely, more subdued. "No, we haven't."
My dad knew me well too.
"Josie," he said slowly, almost feeling it out. "You and Josie?"
It was more of a rhetorical question.
Mom looked between me and him, shocked.
"Yeah," I said, directly by not easily. It still ached how much I must have hurt her.
"When?" asked Mom.
I gave a shuttering sigh, "Before I left for Alaska. Like, an hour before."
"Oh no," moaned Mom in sympathy. "That's why. That's why she left. That's why Belinda isn't looking for her."
I shrugged.
"I don't know for sure," I said, "but that's probably it. She probably won't come back until I'm gone. I'll try to get word to her through my friends."
I'd let the pack know.
"Gone?" asked Dad.
Oh, right, duh.
"To school," I said, "in the fall."
"Right," Dad affirmed, then came up short. "Wait, what what? School? Where are you going to school?"
"You didn't tell him either?" asked Mom.
"I was going to," I said. "I just found out about getting in a few days ago. I just enrolled yesterday."
"None of this is telling me what school!" Dad said loudly enough that a waiter three tables way shot us a disapproving look.
"Dartmouth," I said.
There was a long pause.
"What the hell is going on?!" cried Dad. "When did you become this grown up person!? Where was I?"
"It has started coming together since Edwina's been back," I said. "This is the life I want. I'm living it."
That wasn't entirely true. The Edwina part was, but the what I wanted thing wasn't, not entirely. I hated lying to my parents, but what I was telling them was the lie they needed to hear. Going to college, being with Edwina, growing up, living my life; these were the only things about my future life I could share with them. But it wasn't the life I wanted.
Coming back from Italy had changed me in more ways than one. I had the right to make my own decisions. And once the craze of the whole experience had worn off, once the words that Auri and the others had said had settled in, I had the opportunity to step back and decide for myself what I wanted.
Edwina was a given. But also, I realized that my life was in jeopardy. I had come in contact with mythical creatures time and again, and if I didn't do something about this, I was going to die and soon. So I had two options. Change my life and move away from all things vampire, Edwina included, eventually finding myself running from the Volturi, or I could become a vampire.
It didn't just make logical sense; When I thought about it, I realized that it was truly what I wanted. I don't remember the exact moment I made the decision. Just as I wanted Edwina, that this was the path my life was taking me. I wanted to be what my Edwina was, so that our relationship could earnestly be between equals. But it was more than that. I wanted to be strong and smart and perfect, and if I was being perfectly honest, I wanted to feel beautiful. All the selfishly undeniable ways Edwina made me feel, I wanted to inspire in her. She said that I did already, but I wanted to feel it too.
And it was more than that still; I wanted independence in this mythical world. I wanted to be capable of defending myself and those that I loved and love, of keeping those that would take what I hold dear from me at bay. I wanted to be a creature of reckoning and use all that I could do to learn and appreciate the universe and grow and improve the world as I could. I wasn't sure how yet, but I wanted to figure that out.
So, college was plan B. I was telling my parents what I could, going about my life as was expected, but deep down, I knew that I was going to be a vampire as soon as I could. There were just two hangups.
One, the wedding. Assuming there was going to be a wedding, my parents would very much like to come. I knew that. There was every chance in the world that it would be this summer. I didn't have a whole lot else planned, other than preparations for school. I would let Alice iron out the details, but there was little doubt in my mind that she would have everything hammered out by then.
And two, Edwina. I had no doubt in my mind that she wanted me to remain human as long as possible. Occasionally, I would notice her staring at me with this sort of almost wistful expression, as though she would only be able to enjoy my humanity a short while longer. We haven't really talked about it since she has returned, and I am not sure how to go about doing it. I guess, secretly, I am so scared that if I bring it up, she will do everything she can to talk me down or avoid the subject. I want her to want me and to want this for me, and I don't want to have to take up Alice on her offer. I want Edwina to have me and keep me in this way too.
Our food came, and we chatted about this and that. Felicia was doing well, her career not taking off so much as going really well. Dad was teaching again, but it was at a local community college and they didn't really like being referred to as children or kids. Yeah, try explaining that to my father. Mom mentioned that she had been doing her usual fishing and had been spending some time down at La Push, with Stu Clearwater, helping him out since his wife died. As she was talking, my dad got this sort of half-smiling speculative look on his face, and I wondered what he was seeing that I wasn't. After we had wrapped up our meal, we were walking out to the car when Dad checked his watch.
"You can just drop me at your mom's," he said. "The shuttle will be coming to get me in less than an hour."
"You're not saying for the party?" I asked, trying not to sound too disappointed.
"Not this time, bud," he said. "Hey, why don't you come visit over the summer. Felicia and I would love to have you. There's a room at our new place with your name on it!"
Knowing Dad, he was being literal.
"I will if I can," I said. The very idea of being away from Edwina was making me feel uncomfortable.
"Okay," said Mom, "so Ray can drive us back and then you can just take the car over to Edwina's."
"Sounds good," said Dad.
And I realized the spell was over. My family, that hadn't been a family for so long that I forgotten what it was like to have this, being with them together like this, was breaking up again. I would have it again, once more, for the wedding, but that would be it. This too, like school, would be over. It wouldn't be the same at the wedding because it would feel so very much like saying goodbye. That was okay, though. I was going to have a new family soon. I was happy with that. So why did it feel like I was missing something?
I dropped my parents off, said my farewells to my dad, and then drove to the party.