And Now Your Hostess: The King of Fighters Tupperware Party
by Stef
Rating: PG-13.
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. Thank you, SNK.
A/N: Okay, since everyone wanted one so badly, here is the re-worked sequel to "The 10th Annual King of Fighters Picnic".
Kyo stood on the front steps of Iori Yagami's house. He appeared irritated as his clingy bitch girlfriend, Yuki, adjusted his tie for the seventh time since they left his house. How much did she need to adjust it? It was a clip-on! And what the Hell was Yagami doing that was so important that he couldn't answer the goddamn door!?
"My darling Kyo-chan, please hold still. You have a sticky-uppy," Yuki said, licking her hand. She then wiped her saliva in Kyo's hair in some feeble attempt to tame the cowlick at the back of his head.
Kyo reached out and rung the doorbell again, hoping his red-haired rival would answer it. He didn't know how much more he could take of Yuki's annoying fussing over him before he ripped her arms out of their sockets and tied them behind her back. Besides, he liked his "sticky-uppy". It gave him character. At least, that's what Benimaru and Joe Higashi kept telling him.
"Maybe you could try knocking, my darling Kyo-chan." Yuki suggested.
Kyo's left eye twitched oh-so-slightly at the disgusting endearment Yuki had bestowed upon him, but he decided to go with her idea anyway. She had finished high school, unlike him. In a frenzied manner, Kyo pounded on the door with both of his fists. 'Please answer, please answer, please answer!' He thought desperately. He heard a faint "Just a miiiiinuuuute!" from inside the house before the door opened. Kyo almost had a heart attack when he saw who answered the door.
"Ohh, I'm so glad you could make it! Please come in, come in! Make yourselves at home!"
An impossibly tall, muscular girl with fiery red hair bowed to the couple. She wore a purple girls' school uniform, sunglasses... and a blue cloth mask over her mouth. In her hair was a small Hello Kitty barrette. Quite obviously Yagami in drag.
Kyo tried not to laugh at their "hostess" as he entered the Yagami household. The entire place was decorated with white and blue streamers and colorful balloons. "Umm, excuse me, miss, but where is Iori?" Yuki asked. She had ambitions of buying a lot of Tupperware tonight and couldn't wait to get started.
The muscular girl put her hands on her hips and tilted her head to the side thoughtfully. "You know, I don't know... he never tells me anything, that one."
"And you would be...?" Kyo asked.
"Oh!" She gasped in her deep voice, putting a large hand over her cloth-covered mouth. "I haven't introduced myself, have I? How rude of me. I'm Miss X, Iori's girlfriend!"
Yuki smiled and extended her hand to the "girl". "Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Eksu-chan, I am Kyo's adorable and super-popular girlfriend, Yu--"
"Where is that blockhead!?" A tiny girl with blue hair demanded. She looked most impatient. "He said to be here for 8:00. It's almost 9:30 and I haven't seen him. I just wanna buy some Tupperware and get the Hell out of here."
"Who are you calling a block-- err, what I meant was, have patience, Kula dear. Iori will be here shortly." Miss X assured the young girl.
"Well, I don't have all night, you know. I have a 10 foot swan I could be working on right now." Kula replied. In her spare time, she made ice sculptures for parties. It brought in some nice extra cash.
"He'll be here soon," Miss X promised, shoving a lollipop in the younger girls mouth. She patted the blue-haired girl on top of her head and shoved her away. "Now go mingle, eheheh..."
Kula walked away, trying to dislodge the over-sized sucker from her throat.
Yuki cleared her throat to get Miss X's attention again. "Like I said before, I'm Kyo's adorable and super-popular girlf--"
"Ooh, did you hear that?" The tall girl asked, cupping a huge hand over one of her ears. "I think I heard the phone in the bedroom ring. Excuse me, please!" She pranced away from the couple.
"I didn't hear anything, did you, my darling Kyo-chan?" Yuki asked.
Kyo didn't know whether to laugh or cry in his current situation. He did notice, however, that the room Miss X had scampered into was the room that Iori had just exited from. Who the Hell was Yagami trying to kid? Kyo tried his best to look like he didn't notice as his rival approached him.
"Thanks for showing up." Iori said, sounding and smelling uncharacteristically pleasant. Was he wearing mango body spray?
Yuki smiled widely, exposing a piece of seaweed in her teeth, left over from lunch. "Yes, well, it was the least Kyo could do after not taking me to the picn--"
"Did you bring money?" Iori asked, cutting Yuki off.
"...Well, yes I was planning on buying a ni--"
"Good." And the redhead walked away.
Yuki frowned. "He's not very polite, is he my darling Kyo-chan?"
Kyo twitched. He needed to get away from her as soon as possible. "Uhh, stay right here, Yuki. I have to ah..." He needed a good excuse... somewhere Yuki would never follow him. "I have to poop." Kyo announced, then fled before she offered to wipe his ass for him.
"We were about to deduce that you would be absent from your own function, Yagami." Leona said, knocking back a mudslide. The young soldier woman's face was a deep red and she seemed to be relying on her teammate, Ralf Jones, to keep her standing up.
"Well, I'm here. In plain sight. Not hiding at all." Iori said, handing her a catalog. Buy something, buy something, stop drinking all my booze and buy something!
"And it's pleasant to see you, Yagami. Both of you." Leona not quite slurred, the catalog falling from her loose grip.
Iori gave her A Look.
"Umm... she doesn't get out much. So when she gets a chance to go out, she really lets loose." Ralf explained, his large hand inching toward Leona's rear end. At least Leona was a happy drunk.
"Apparently." Iori commented, then cleared his throat. "So, are you two buying anything?"
"Buying anything?" Ralf repeated. "I thought this was just a party." He was called the cheapest soldier in his platoon for a reason.
"Life is a party." Leona said seriously to her comrade. When she drank, she tended to get philosophical. "And Yagami is the birthday girl." She closed an eye pointed at one of the Ioris in her line of vision.
The redhead arched an eyebrow at Leona's comment. "Right. Well. See you two later." He walked past the pair and made his way across the living room. He was about to boot Xiangfei out the backdoor for devouring all his appetizers when something hot and skinny caught his attention.
K' was leaning in the doorway with his hand in his back pocket. How could he get his hand in there? Those pants were so tight they bordered on indecency! "Yagami." K' said, almost uncomfortable by the way Iori was staring at him. The only thing that prevented him from letting on was the fact that he had on his sunglasses.
Iori nodded at the hotter, gayer-looking version of Kyo. "…um…" What the Hell last name was K' using? He was just a letter and an apostrophe! "Uh, Apostrophe."
"I use 'Dash' but at least 'Apostrophe' is the correct word. Dash just sounds cooler. Nice party, by the by." K' commented. "Where's the other half of the sexual tension you carry around with you?"
Iori glanced over to his bathroom, where Kyo had disappeared to minutes before. "Hiding from his puppy." He jerked a thumb toward Yuki. She seemed to be pawing at the bathroom door and whining to be let in. "So where's your sexual tension?"
"Everyone's present and accounted for." K' answered, looking around at the party guests. Vanessa and Ramon were not so discreetly making out, while eyeing K', Maxima was helping himself to the Jell-O shots as he'd pause to wink at K' now and then, and Kula was licking her lollipop a little too indecently at K'.
"I had no idea you were so sought after." Iori remarked.
K' shrugged. "It's not it's all it's cracked up to be. Especially when you gotta call everyone you've slept with to let them know you have crabs."
"Eww." Motivation gone, Iori walked away briskly. He walked past Yuki and shoulder-elbow-armed her out of the way. "Sorry." He didn't mean it.
In his bedroom, Iori locked the door and began to get into his clever disguise as Miss X. The transformation was a lot like Sailormoon's only less graceful and with fewer sparkles. Studying himself in the mirror, Iori made sure his hair was pinned to the side with a fetching little Hello Kitty barrette. He tied the blue bandanna around his mouth and nose, then slid on his sunglasses. He then began to sing the chorus to Men at Work's number One hit. "Who can it beeeee now? Waw waw waaaaaaaa-haaawa!"
"Oh God, you can see yourself and you're STILL doing that?"
Iori was caught off guard. He had no idea there was someone in his room. "Who..."
Vice stood at the other end of the bedroom, helping Mature through the window. Both women had a mix of shock and amusement on their faces. The blonde woman climbed the rest of the way in and dusted herself off.
"What are you two doing here? I don't recall inviting dead people." Iori said, hands on his hips.
Mature snorted. "Dead? Honey, if anything is dead in this room, it's your couture."
Vice nodded. "And just look at those shoes. Ugh."
Iori, insulted that his fashion sense was under scrutiny, weaved his neck from side to side as he defended his wardrobe. "Whatever, ladies." His right arm swept out in front of himself and across before sending three snaps down the front of his body. "Y'alls just jealous you can't fit into your high school clothes anymore."
Mature scoffed. "High school is right. You've been wearing the same clothes for thirteen years!"
"Good taste never goes out of style." Iori rebutted. He then eyed Vice. "Bad hairdos however..."
"My hair grows very slowly!" Vice almost cried. "I've always had this problem!"
"Then get yourself a wig or suh-inn'. Ain't no man gonna want you, looking like some little boy." Iori had his hands on his hips again, popping one hip to the side.
Mature rolled her eyes. "I don't see the fellas knocking your door down. When's the last time you got any, Yagami?"
"It's Miss X..." Iori folded his massive arms across his chest and looked off to his right, at his reflection of course. "...and a lady never tells..." He glanced back to the formerly deceased women. "So, what are you two doing here?"
"Two?" Vice smiled evilly. Her hand reached out the window and she pulled in Kisaragi Eiji.
Iori frowned under his mask. "Oh God. Seriously?"
"What?" Eiji asked.
"You two attack my fashion, then bring in him? He's the most obvious ninja ever! I mean electric blue? Come on. Helen Keller would see this guy coming." Iori complained.
Before Eiji had a chance to defend his outfit, Billy Kane launched through the window in his 1995 tournament outfit. Overalls. "Hey hey hey!"
"There's more of you?"
"Bloody right there's more of us. We're 'ere ta get our revenge, ain' tha' righ', you lot?" Billy said, brandishing his bright red bo.
Mature frowned. "When you talk, it sounds like a toilet flushing."
"Wot's tha'? You wanna go at me, lovey?" The Brit fell into an attacking stance.
"This should be interesting..." Vice said, falling into a fighting stance beside her BFF.
"This is my fight, darling." Mature said to the other woman, her eyes never leaving Billy's. She was anticipating his first move.
Iori rolled his eyes. He supposed he was mildly lucky that all his rivals hated each other more than they hated him. "Look, if you're gonna fight, don't do it in my house. It's clear that no arena can contain you two."
Billy grinned. Mature looked pleased with herself. Iori supposed he was also lucky in the respect that all his rivals were glaringly narcissistic.
"Yagami is right. Let us take this fight elsewhere." Mature slid half of her slender form out of the window.
"Righ' behind y', love." Billy said as he followed her out, Eiji and Vice in tow.
"Idiots." Iori told his reflection once the room was cleared.
Kyo paced back and forth in the small bathroom. Once every few minutes, he'd place his ear to the door to see if Yuki was still there... and every time he was let down to know that she indeed was. He was trapped, literally as well as figuratively. Kyo didn't want to grow old and die with Yuki; he'd rather kill himself. A suggestive breeze blew through the bathroom window.
Kyo looked at the door, then looked at the bathroom window.
"My darling Kyo-chaaaan! You've been in there for almost an hour... Yuki is coming to help you!" Yuki yowled through the keyhole as the doorknob jiggled.
Kyo's eyes widened with dread. His mouth grew dry. He hazarded another glance at the suddenly very inviting open window. With an adrenaline high rivaling any he'd had in his countless brushes with death, Kyo sucked in a deep breath and dove out the bathroom window.
Not seconds later, the door opened and Yuki stepped inside. "My darling Kyo-chan?" She peeked behind the shower curtain, then under the toilet seat's lid. Yuki sighed. "Not again..."
"Jones, your numerous amorous attempts are both comical and endearing. After careful consideration, I've decided to grant you clearance to my body."
"YES!" Ralf shouted, pumping his fist into the air. He'd brought Leona outside for some fresh air once all the alcohol was gone. The two soldiers were currently on Iori's back deck, taking in the night air. He had only realized after displaying his enthusiasm, that he had done it out loud. "I mean, um... you know. Acknowledged."
"We shall rendezvous at the base for your..." Leona eyed him purposefully before continuing "...debriefing." She smiled and headed home.
Ralf looked to the sky to thank God, but instead got a face full of Kyo falling from a window instead.
"Ohh... I think I landed on some rocks..." Kyo complained as he sat up on the now unconscious Ralf's body.
In the basement, Vanessa ripped herself away from Ramon for a minute when she heard a crashing noise outside the window. "Did you hear that?"
Ramon shrugged, trying to pull the older woman closer to him. "I hear nothing, mi corazon... come back to your Ramon, we have yet to finish."
Vanessa slid off the luchador's lap. "No, I'm serious..." She said before whispering, "What if it's my husband?"
Ramon rolled his eyes. "We're both professional ass-kickers. Do you really think I'm scared of some boring salary-man? Why don't you get a divorce, anyway?"
Vanessa sighed. "Look, it's complicated."
"I don't think it's complicated at all." Ramon zipped his pants back up. "I think you are just afraid of what you feel for Ramon. This between us..." he pointed to Vanessa, then himself. "...Your head says no, but your heart says si."
"Oh, cut the romance novel talk." Vanessa bit. "My husband found out I'm a mercenary, turns out he's one too, and by sheer bad luck, we're after the same target."
Ramon visibly deflated. "Oh."
"Yeah."
"Well, I don't hear anything now... let's get back to where we were, corazon." Ramon suggested.
Vanessa shrugged. "Okay."
Ramon climbed on top of the woman and barely noticed when Vanessa pulled a syringe from between the couch cushions. He felt a mild pricking sensation on his left ass cheek when he was injected with whatever was in the needle. "Ooh, naughty girl. I can't believe you pinched my ahh..." Ramon never finished his sentence. He fell right to sleep.
Vanessa smirked. She brought her wristwatch to her mouth and whispered into it. "I got him, honey."
Ramon's limp, sleeping body twitched for a moment before he uttered "...'nessa."
Vanessa sighed and petted the top of the young Mexican's head, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Yuki scampered out of the bathroom and hit "Miss X" in the chest with her face.
"Ohh, Eksu-chan. There you are! I am searching for my darling Kyo-chan, but I can't seem to find him. Will you help Yuki?" The sickeningly sweet girl implored.
Iori shrugged, clearing his throat to summon his "Miss X" voice… that sounded exactly like his regular voice. "I can't imagine he could have gone far. Not that it matters to me, of course. The party is now over."
"Over?" Yuki repeated. How could it be over? She had just gotten there! There was no way she was leaving now, especially alone.
"Yes. Over. Now beat it, cheapskate." Miss X threatened. No one attended his parties without buying anything and got away with it.
Frustrated, Yuki bit her bottom lip. She was losing her composure. "But I need to find my darling Kyo-chan! If I walk home alone, who knows what will happen to me?"
"Being a lady means knowing when you've over-stayed your welcome, Yuki. Don't give me, your hostess, such a hard time." Miss X said through clenched teeth.
Yuki stomped her foot. "But!"
Miss X growled. "Don't make me forget I'm a lady, Yuki."
"Fine!" Yuki shouted. "If that's how it's going to be… then I'm telling everyone your dirty secret!" She smirked.
The room instantly fell silent.
Miss X scoffed. "What secret could that possibly be?"
"The secret that you're not really Iori Yagami's girlfriend at all!" Yuki said, pointing a slim finger at the broad-shouldered "girl".
"W-what do you mean?" Miss X said, caught off guard. "Of course I'm Iori's girlfriend."
"There's no way. I thought it was just coincidence at first, but now I get it." Yuki said, having her Detective Conan moment. "You and Yagami, you have the same hair, same build… I can't understand how I didn't get it sooner." The tiny girl reached up and snatched the sunglasses from Miss X's face, then pulled down the blue cloth obscuring her mouth. "You're not Yagami's girlfriend at all, but his sister!"
"Are you… serious?" Iori said, irritated yet dumbfounded that someone could be this stupid.
"Well, it's common knowledge that Yagami hasn't had a girlfriend in ages, possibly ever! He was obviously embarrassed to invite people to his house with more than half of them being couples. So, he did what any desperate, single guy would do. He asked his poor, innocent, virginal sister to pose as his girlfriend, as not to look pathetic among his aforementioned guests." Yuki smiled, triumphant in the knowledge that she had foiled Yagami's latest evil plot.
"Wow, you nailed it." Iori said flatly. "I'm so glad I can stop pretending. You still have to leave."
Yuki grinned… then blinked, confused. "But we're friends now that I've humiliated you in front of everyone you know. Let Yuki stay overnight! I can't walk home in the dark! So many people are trying to kill me."
Iori nodded. "Yes, that's sort of the point."
"Mouuuu! You Yagamis are all alike!" Yuki pouted and stomped out the door.
There was a brief silence before Ash cleared his throat. "And here I was zinking Mademoiselle X was just Yagami in ze drag."
"Shut up, Ash." Shen Woo said quietly. Duo Lon nodded in agreement with his companion's statement.
The end of the night found the King of Fighters tournament attendees richer in reusable plastic storage containers, and the party's host that much richer in free gifts from Tupperware. Iori sat at his dining room table; the room tidied up since the guests had left. He was constructing a fort with his newly acquired containers when his doorbell rang. Glancing at the clock, Iori wondered who it could be at such an hour. The redhead shuffled across the carpet in his ugly yellow slippers to the door, only to be greeted by the last person he'd expect.
"Kusanagi." He said, stifling a yawn. "Won't you come in?"
Kyo nodded and walked past the other man into the house, favoring his right leg. "Thanks." He sat himself down on Iori's couch and sighed. "I had to escape. Yuki has finally become way too much for me to handle."
"You're telling me." Iori said, sitting next to his sometimes rival. "She thought 'Miss X'," he did finger quotes around his alter-ego, "was my sister. What a jackass."
"Why were you dressed as Miss X anyway?" Kyo wondered out loud.
"I just felt like it." Iori shrugged. "Anyway…" Iori stretched his long arms out and awkwardly put one around Kyo's shoulders. "Let's talk about why you came by. Sexy."
Kyo looked down at Iori's massive hand on his shoulder. "Yes." He picked Iori's hand up and placed it in the redhead's lap. "Well, aside from the numerous attempts on my life, the awkward sexual tension, and mostly one-way attraction, I think we work really well together, and—"
Iori inched uncomfortably closer. "Go on." He stared long and hard at Kyo, obviously undressing the man with his eyes.
Kyo recoiled slightly, inching his way further from his invasive couch-mate. "And well, I thought since I'm almost 30, it was high time I moved outta my dad's place. B-but the market's really bad right now and the economy's in the shitter, so my job doesn't pay much. And I thought that- Iori, take your hand off my thigh- I thought that maybe we could be roommates?"
Iori had managed to back Kyo against the other end of the couch. He started to crawl across the brunet's lap, his hands massaging the other man's chest. "That is probably the second sexiest thing you've ever said."
"This is really uncomfortable, Iori-- wait, second sexiest? What the Hell is the first?" Kyo grabbed one of Iori's curious hands and pinned it behind the redhead's back.
"I'll tell you later." Iori purred before clapping his hands twice, making the lights go out.
END.