Not Another Manual Fanfic

by Mitsuki Horenake

One day, a grandmother takes in two of her orphaned grandchildren into a manor of their dreams and orders a present online to aid her youngest grandson into his career as a historian. Only problem? She ordered the infamous Hetalia units. Thanks, grandma. Your gift will not be in vain! Crack is rampant here, which means someone has to get rid of Canada...

1. Package in the Mail

Yes, I'm following the trend. Don't be chastising me about the fact that I have about five other series to work on, I'm workin' on them! OK, so I'm writing about LolliDictator's manuals. And because I think it'll be funnier and a bit easier on me, I'm using the Filipino twins, set as humans (Liara's still going to be around, for those of you who actually like her). I'll usually jump between the both of them (but I might hover over Charice), so don't get too confused.

I DON'T OWN HETALIA, I DON'T OWN THE MANUALS. I only own the twins.

And for those of you who paid attention to my twins fanfiction, I'm aging them a little more. Charice is going to be twenty, while Rizal will be eighteen, just graduated from high school.

/=+=/

To my beloved niece and nephew,

I am writing to you to send my condolences about the death about your parents. That car accident must have had a terrible effect on the both of you, not to mention the fact that now you are getting kicked out of the house because you are no longer keeping the house! But no worries, I have taken the necessary precautions to make your college lives the same as before.

It will be hard to get used to, but I am sending you to live in one of my California mansions. Yes, it is a big place for just the both of you to live in, but it was the closest place that I can give you that is closer to both of your colleges. Both of you will live under my name, so you will not have to worry about taking jobs to care for each other. Concentrate on your schoolwork so that you'll stay under the STARS program [1]!

And as for you, Rizal. I had heard from your father that you wanted to major in History and work in the museum like your mother. I have taken the opportunity to order a set of packages to help you take care of your history majors and perhaps even help you pass your class as valedictorian! And do not worry, Charice: these packages are said to be fun with all people, History majors or not.

I can only help you for so much…take the summer vacation to adjust to this new life and hopefully you two will grow into the fine young man and woman that your parents were.

From,

Your lola [2]

/=+=/

~Rizal~

'So…this is going to be our new home, Rizal."

"Yeah…looks like it."

I had to admit: my grandmother spoils us way too much. Here I thought it was going to be limited to way too much food in the Thanksgiving table and the over expensive gifts during Christmas time (what kind of grandmother gives her niece a car?), but I never thought she would give us a mansion. Never mind the fact that she's a popular novelist and news reporter for those celebrity magazines that people usually interview on TV. Yeah, it does sound too good to be true. Charice keeps thinking that she's a conartist or something.

Hey, it's Califiornia.

"Actually…I just thought of something…" Charice looked to me. "Do you know that show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, I remember that show. Why?"

"Is it just me, or does this mansion look exactly like the one from that show?"

It was just her.

When I opened the door, I noticed that the mansion looked more like something out of Sonic the Hedgehog. Remember the crappy anime that plays on 4kids? Think of that manor, if you will. The staircase branched out into two different sections of the higher floor, but as always Charice was more than determined to find the kitchen.

"Over here, over here!"

I turned my head and saw that at least there was some reference to The Fresh Prince. The kitchen did look something like it, only with more counter space and thousands of cabinets over the counters. Seeing as how Charice is going to cooking school, this is practically her heaven. The fact that the dining room is right next door also seems to indicate that poor grandma was expecting one of us to be those party goers.

"This place is just so awesome!" She chirped. "And we didn't even look at the basements and our rooms! Oh, maybe we can switch bedrooms depending on the time of day-"

"Charice, we're living here under our grandmother's name. The last thing we need to do is squeeze her for every penny she has." I reminded her. "Remember, she can kick us out of here whenever she wants to."

"…OK." She pouted, but she knew I was right.

"That's good." I walked out of the kitchen. "You want to go check out the second floor?"

"I'll go check out this kitchen first." She chirped. "I need to know where I can put all my spices and whatnot!"

"Hah…that's my chef. I'll just be upstairs if you need me."

We both nodded at each other, an indication that we both listened to that (she says I tend to zone out from time to time, but she has the listening issues), before I turned and headed up the stairs. She's my older sister, so I trust that she won't be destroying the house anytime soon.

~Charice~

My god, the kitchen was SO BIG!

There were just so many cabinets in this kitchen that I can just imagine all the stuff I can put in here! Maybe we can take our holiday parties in here for once…cause I make a mean cheesecake (it's my specialty ;D). And the fridge…my goodness, the fridge is so beautiful! I can fit anything that I could ever want in here! That's it, I'm going in such a grocery shopping rush once we settle in!

*Ding dong*

Huh. It's the bell.

"I got it, Rizal!" I called to him. I wonder if he heard me in this extremely big house?

I skipped over to the front door, wondering if it was lola welcoming us into the house. Seeing as how her schedule is "booked" (as she claims it to be), that chance is very very veerrryy small. I cracked my knuckles, straightened my back as formal as I can get, and opened the door.

Hey, look at that. I was right.

"Are you Charice Pacquiao?"

I stared at the man in front of me with a blank look on my face. He was a delivery man with a huge ass box behind him and a clipboard in his hand. Behind him was a huge teal van that had the shape of one of those white vans that people use to kidnap children (OK, enough about that) and a logo that said (in BIG YELLOW LETTERING) "Flying Mint Bunny Express".

Never mind the fact that the 'mint bunny' on the van looked more like a digivolved Pikachu, but you know what, honest mistake.

"Yes, that's me." I answered, waiting for the guy to reach out and try to grab me.

"I'm going to need you to sign here for me."

"Uh…sure…" I blinked. "Wait, that package is for me?"

"Uh, unless you're not Charice Pacquiao."

"…then it is for me…"

"All right then…this is the first of your free units, and the second one should be here tomorrow."

THERE'S MORE OF THESE THINGS?

"Of course. The special offer states that you have two free units in two business days to adjust you, the user, to a life with them faster. You'll love the two free units given, or you can ship them back with a full refund."

Oh, did I say that out loud?

"Um…yes you did."

Whoops.

Small Note: INTERROGATE lola about this.

I (hesitantly) signed my name and watched as the man rolled the box into the lobby. It was then that I noticed that Rizal was climbing down the stairs and was now staring at the huge box thing that was in front of us. The man gave a nod, a small 'see ya', and went out the door, closing it behind him. Rizal stared at me as I stared at the manual in my hands.

"How much are you willing to be that this is secretly a bomb?"

"It's not a bomb, Charice. Why would lola send us something like that?"

"Life insurance?"

He took the manual from my hands with a shake of his head and took a glance at it.

~Rizal~

'FELICIANO VARGAS: User Guide and Manual'

"Congratulations! You have just purchased your very own FELICIANO VARGAS unit! In order to allow you full access to all of your unit's wonderful traits, we have provided this manual. Reading it is highly advised to avoid…"

I looked up and saw that Charice was more interested in the small box that came with the bigger human-sized box. Reading aloud was not going to help her in any way, so I decided to skim through the material while she took a glance in the boxes. By the looks of things, this unit is part of a set of units and has set emotions or something like that.

"Hey, listen to this." I chuckled. "Will respond to 'Pasta Freak'. What were these guys thinking when writing this?"

"Whoa, check this out. It's like they're giving us free clothes!" She looked inside the small box. "It's a military outfit!"

"The manual says there's two of them." I looked back down. "OK, pay attention: 'Removal of your FELICIANO VARGAS unit from Packaging'…"

"Wait, there's a method to open this thing?" She looked at the box. "By the way, how big is this thing anyway? It must be freakin' fragile to put it in this huge box."

"We'll find out sooner or later. Just pay attention…" I looked at the manual. "Hm…there are three methods mentioned here…"

"Three?" She grinned. "Well, you're the smarter of the both of us. You choose which one to use."

I was planning on doing so anyway.

I looked down at the manual. The first method involved pasta and boiling water next to the box. It seemed more Charice's thing, so I definitely marked it up as a possible choice. The second one involved using other units...well, concerning the fact that this is our first one, we can't really go to that option. Speaking of which, the third one involved pulling hair.

…

"You'll have to boil water."

"That's it?" She tilted her head. "I'm boiling water and using it to burn the box off?"

"No, it just says to either make pasta or boil water next to the box." I answered. "It'll activate on its own."

"O…K…well, speaking of pasta…I'M HUNGRY!" She grabbed the edge of the box. "Help me carry this to the kitchen!"

I didn't bother to argue as we heaved it to the kitchen. The box, despite the size, wasn't heavy at all, so it was easy to put it within a good distance from the stove in the kitchen. Once I straightened it out, I turned around and noticed that she was already putting a pot of water on the stove.

"Can you check on this?" She asked. "I want to see how this thing activates!"

"All right…" I sighed, switching places with her. "But I'm holding the manual."

She shrugged as she stood in front of the box, waiting for something to happen as I kept a glance at the boiling pot of water. Meanwhile, I decided to read deeper into the manual (in case Charice decides to do some extremely random and break the poor thing).

So this manual says that he's twenty years old. I looked up. That would make him older than I am.

According to the manual, the unit comes in 'modes' that seem to be associated to emotions or personalities. The Sadistic personality, I will admit, gave me a bit of a shiver. I'll have to make sure Charice doesn't destroy any of the mentioned units, cause I do not want to see this guy mad.

"Hey, I can't help but wonder something." Charice looked to me. "Lola said in her letter that this was going to help you major in History. What does this unit have to do with that?"

"Maybe because he's Italian? I dunno." I answered. "Maybe he's a good teacher?"

Which, according to this manual, isn't going to happen anytime soon.

According to the manual, pasta solves the majority of the troubleshooting problems (how very stereotypical) which involve him sobbing and making white flags. Well, seeing as how we aren't at war with the house next door, we should be fine…or something like that.

"We might've sent you a CHIBITALIA unit…" Which, according to this manual, is small, adorable to the maximum, and sounds like a girl.

I wonder if units can be traumatized by insane females who's attracted to cute?

Definitely sending it back if so.

"Is the water boiling yet?" She asked me.

"Um…just about." I answered, looking into the pot. "By the manual, the unit should be-"

BAM!

~Charice~

HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THOSE PHRASES THAT THEY ALWAYS CENSOR ON TELEVISION TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN!

I jumped behind a semi-startled Rizal as the box continued to boom here and there. Seriously, how the mother load can Rizal be calm when something is clearly trying to break out of the box? Man, this is worse than a bomb! I looked around and quickly grabbed a nearby butcher knife. Seems solid enough for a quick kill…

"Charice, calm down." Rizal answered. "This is probably normal."

"Normal, my ass! That is NOT supposed to happen when people try to activate things normally!"

He was about to say something when he stopped, a look on his face that said 'well, that is true…' before we realized that the banging stopped. We both turned to the box and saw that it was purely quiet. Suddenly, loud sobbing came from inside the box. It sounded…human.

Hold up a sec.

"Is this some type of human trafficking or something? I thought that's illegal in America!" I jumped to the box. "Hey, are you all right in there?"

"Vee~~it's dark in here!" The voice sobbed from the inside.

My god the voice sounded so freakin' adorable. Never mind the fact that it could be an alien sent to kill us. I want to see this.

"OK, we're going to open the box!" I called to him. "Are you with me? We're going to open it up!"

"P-please hurry!"

Never mind the fact that the box looked properly sealed and that we probably needed a crowbar to rip apart the box and get this poor young alien out of the cage that has sealed his fragile soul into long years of claustrophobia.

And never mind the fact that we didn't have a crowbar.

We do, however, have a butcher knife.

…

Hm…

"OK, are you still with me?" I tapped the box. "Can you hear this?"

"Y-yes…"

"OK, I'm going to need you to put yourself on the other side of the box, all right? I'm going to stab the box open!"

"W-what?"

"I can't find the damn opening to this and stabbing it is the only way that we can open it!"

"Charice…"

"I-Isn't there some other way?"

"I really want to know, but I can't get access to a crowbar! So I'm going to stab the box. DO NOT BE TRAUMATIZED!"

"Charice…"

I looked up from the box and saw that Rizal was standing right there. He lifted up his finger and what did you know, flipped a small latch that was keeping the box together. He sighed and gently took the butcher knife away from me, putting it safely on the table.

I so knew that was there.

"Hey, we got the box open!" I cheered to the guy inside. "We're going to get you out now!"

"Ve~! Thank you!"

Too…cute…

Unfortunately, the box was way too tall for me to get the lid out on one try, so I was climbing the box trying to lift the dam lid off the box. I'm pretty sure this alien thing can climb out of there, and if this thing really is out to kill us, I have enough time to get Rizal out of the building the minute it's out. Maybe I can get the butcher knife again…

"Charice…the front lid can swing open like a door."

"Eh? It can?"

Rizal sighed before he took one of the panels and swung it open (how the hell does he know this?). Before I knew it, someone jumped out to hold me. Tightly. I admit it, I screeched in shock, but that subsided quite a bit. He was warm to the touch, but he was so grippy that I couldn't see his face.

~Rizal~

The man that jumped out to hug her looked about my height, with short brown hair and a strange curl protruding from it. Maybe that was the curl we were supposed to pull. He was wearing a blue naval uniform, the same one that Charice found in that small box earlier. And when they broke the hug, his eyes never opened. That's weird.

"Thank you so much for getting me out of that scary box!" He chirped. "I'm Feliciano, but you can call me Feli!"

The accent was really Italian. I found that highly interesting.

"Can I call you Feli-kun instead?" Charice chirped, twitching. This wasn't good…

"Of course you can!" He smiled. That made the twitching worse.

"All right! My name is Charice Pacquiao!" She pointed to me. "And he's my younger brother, Rizal!"

"Ve~~~nice to meet you, Rizal!"

And then he proceeded to hug me.

"Oof…nice to meet you too."

He let me go, and that's when I realized his eyes never opened up. Is it possible for this guy to go walk around with his eyes closed? Well, he did know that I was there when Charice pointed at me. Maybe it's a sensor thing. Speaking of Charice, I noticed that she was violently twitching. That's…not good.

"Feliciano, can you come with me?"

"Ve? Oh, sure."

He looked confused as I led him away for his own good. Charice didn't make a move to follow us, which was good for him.

"OK, when I say so, you make a run for it."

"Ve? Run for it?" Feliciano looked at me with an oblivious look. "Run from what?"

"My sister. She…uh…has a weakness for cute things." I sighed.

"Ve~...she thinks I'm cute?" He smiled obliviously. "Well, tell her that I said thank you!"

*rumble*

"Run. Now."

And I was entertained by the image of an extremely fast Italian being chased around the house by an extremely fast Filipina. This was going to be a long, long new life.

/=+=/

[1] In New Jersey, there is a government program that pays college tuitions to students who graduate in the first 15% of their class. I've looked it up and there was on in California as well.

[2] FILIPINO- Grandma

Don't ask why I'm doing this. I'm seeing all these manual fics running around and I somehow wanted to jump into the bandwagon. Hope you guys don't mind the two switching view points, and review!