Today, just like every day, I thought of him.
I went to the woods, sat at our place and thought of him. I went to that place where him and I used to meet every morning for so many years.
I do this daily.
I go into the woods and pretend that I'm waiting for him just like I did before the Hunger Games took me away. The only difference is that now he doesn't come. He never comes.
So what do I do?
I think of him.
I think about our first meeting. I remember how we became a team and then friends. No, we became so much more. I remember his smile and how watching him smile always brought a smile to my face. I remember teaching him to use the bow and him teaching me snare my pray. I remember teaching him how to swim. I remember how happy we were in the woods. It was our safe heaven when everything else was sorrow and misery.
I miss him.
I have been missing him for so many years now. And I hate myself for not having the courage to seek a reunion. Or maybe it is because I'm so mad at him for leaving me.
At first I was convince he would be back. After all this is our home. So I waited and waited. But he never came. I started to feel mad and told myself that his abandonment didn't bother me. But I was just lying to myself. Sooner or letter I had to come to the term that I missed my best friend. I used to cry for him. My heart would ace for his voice, for his presence.
Maybe he misses me too. He must. After all I was a big part of his life as well. And he loved me. I wonder if he thinks of me as much as I think of him. I wonder if his heart still holds a place for me.
Sometimes I let my mind wonder and ask myself, what would had happened if I was never reaped by the Hunger Games? Where will be today? Of course the answer is never good. Children would still be dying of hunger and every year 24 children would be sent to fight for their lives. My best friend who I miss so much would be in the mines working twelve hours a day, six days a week. Or maybe a mine explosion would have taken him away from me and I would be seating here missing him still. No thinking of that is never good. Just depressing.
But that doesn't stop me from wanting a life with him or a life where I get to enjoy his presence. Honestly, I still don't know what kind of love I had for him. All I know is that my heart misses him and aches for him.
I still don't know what I fell for Peta. I'm grateful for him. Without his help, I would have gone mad. Still, I wish I had the chance to decide who my heart wanted to love. But instead I was forced to decide. It was a life with Peta or a life or loneliness. With my mother gone, my sister gone and Gale gone, Peta was all I had left. I am grateful for his love.
Still, I can help to wonder about a life with Gale.
That is all I have left of him. Memories and a great desire to have him close. A desire to have my best friend back. To hunt together, to laugh together, to be happy together. And because I know I would never had the courage to contact him and seek a reunion, all I have left is to think of him. I know that I will continue to miss him. I know that I will fill my longing for him by thinking of him just like I have been doing until today. My heart will continue to hurt for his presence, and my tears will continue to fall during those days where my desire to touch him, hug him is so deep that my whole body hurts. I know that I will continue to love Gale Hawthorne. I will continue to come to our place and think of him every day of my life.