The weight of the day hit Jimmy hard this night. Every day carried a heavy load but most nights he was just too tired to even notice. Today was one of the ones that made him think, made him question, broke his heart and restored his faith all in one fell swoop. Nights like this he would sink into his chair in the front room after getting Tommy to bed and just stare for a while.
When Tommy'd first come into his life, he wondered if he was up for it and why God would give him such a burden, such a responsibility. Teaspoon had told him that "God never handed us more than we could take" and often "our greatest blessings are hidden inside of the heaviest burdens."
It had been over ten years and Jimmy knew the truth of the second part of that better than most people. But the first part he wondered on. Days like this one he wondered if God didn't have too much faith in him.
Jimmy could remember like it was yesterday the moment that Tommy had been placed in his arms. The woman's name had been Helen but in the saloon she went by the ironic moniker Angel. She was anything but.
She came to him one chilled fall day with a swollen belly claiming it had been his. He knew it could have been anyone's child but he helped her anyway. She had more problems than he did even and they were like fire and black powder from day one. Love ought to bring out the best in a body, Jimmy figured, and they brought out the very worst. It was not love but they were wounded in the same ways so they stuck it out for a while. Until Tommy came.
Helen had named him. She never told Jimmy if there was any significance to the name Thomas for her and more than once he wondered if Tommy was really his and maybe she knew that Tommy's real father was named Thomas. Or maybe her own father had been Thomas. Or maybe she just liked the name. It hadn't been his decision but it was a good strong name so it was probably the first thing they didn't fight about.
Thomas James Hickok had been placed in his arms only minutes after taking his first breath. Jimmy was terrified to hold the child and his arms shook as much from fear as drunkenness. But once he looked into the searching blue eyes, his heart belonged to this little one. His whole life belonged to Tommy and always would. Maybe it was Jimmy's blood that coursed through Tommy's veins and maybe it wasn't but it hardly mattered. Before the doctor left that day, Jimmy had stopped him and said he wanted to stop drinking but was scared to. He'd heard of men dying from quitting outright. The doctor talked a bit to him and told him how to wean himself from the stuff.
It hadn't been easy and Helen not wanting to quit made it all the harder. They fought even more and before Tommy was six months old, Jimmy was alone with the boy. He was sober by then and had been the only one truly caring for the boy anyway. And he wasn't really alone. Rachel wasn't far, or Teaspoon for that matter. Lou and Kid were close enough to visit from time to time. Everyone helped some. They knew he had to make a living while taking care of the baby.
Jimmy hadn't heard from Helen since she left. He really didn't have time to care. Tommy was a full time job and he had to keep food on the table as well. News reached him when Tommy was maybe three or four that Helen had died. He didn't have many details but it sounded as though she moved from alcohol to opium and that was part of it. He never did tell Tommy. As far as Tommy knew his mother was named Angel because she was one. She came to earth just to give Tommy to Jimmy and then had to go back. It wasn't the truth but it was a hell of a lot better than the truth. Tommy didn't know the difference anyway.
Maybe the story wasn't that far off either. She had given him Tommy. He would always think of her at least a little fondly for that. He often wondered if her sole purpose on this earth had been to bring Tommy into it. It would be a grand enough purpose.
Again his thoughts fell to today. For many fathers, he supposed, this wouldn't have been eventful. Nothing bad happened and, in fact, Tommy had learned some new things today. Jimmy often found that the days when Tommy learned new things were the ones that hit him the hardest.
He'd said that once out loud and Rachel and Lou had told him how normal that was. Lou said that she almost cried when her oldest had started walking. She was proud but then it also meant one more step away from her, away from needing her so much.
Jimmy had nearly yelled at Lou then. She knew his feelings were different and why. A soft mumbled apology came next from her and he had softened himself toward her. She meant no harm. None of them ever did. They were the rocks he clung to in his greatest challenges. They knew better than most what he struggled with.
Closing his eyes he remembered a certain day. It wasn't a very special day at all. Summer had given up and surrendered to fall and the chill in the air was almost ever present. It was about a year after Helen had first come to him with her swollen belly and claims that he had made her that way. It was still a couple months until Tommy's first birthday. Emma had come to visit. She and Sam had a houseful of children and Emma was every bit the doting but strict mother the riders of the Pony Express had come to know.
She had come to see the baby, to wish him a happy early birthday. December would be too hard for travel but she had to see the child. The moment she laid eyes on Tommy, her brow furrowed but she said nothing. She held him and fussed over him and then set him down to play with her newest addition, Jake. Jake was about the same age as Tommy, just a few months older, and was sitting happily playing with some wooden blocks that Jimmy had made for Tommy.
He had almost reached to stop her but hadn't been fast enough. She set Tommy down and he fell right over with a little thump and then started crying. Jimmy'd swooped in then and picked up his son, comforting, cooing and swaying until the child stopped crying. He wasn't hurt, just frightened.
He had then kissed the boy's head and laid him on his stomach on the floor. Tommy happily pushed himself up a little bit so that he could grab a block and shove the corner of it into his drooling little mouth.
Emma had pulled Jimmy from the room and into the kitchen where they could still see the two boys but could talk.
"Jimmy, you said Tommy's birthday is in December?"
Jimmy nodded.
"Babies learn things at different rates," she said, "One will sit up early but then crawl late or the other way around. But I have never seen a child that old that couldn't sit up. Jimmy, I think there might be something wrong with Tommy."
"He's just fine, Emma," Jimmy had protested but inside, he knew it himself. He had brushed aside thoughts that something looked different about the baby. All babies sort of look strange when he got right down to it. But if Emma said something might be wrong…well, if it had been anyone else he would have gotten angry, maybe even ordered whoever it was out. But Emma he respected like few others. She wouldn't say something like this to hurt him.
"Maybe you can take him to see the doc tomorrow," she said, "I think Rachel and Lou could handle my bunch easy enough if you want me to come with you."
He had nodded and after that things were mostly a blur of words he didn't understand and suggestions to give his son up, send him to a hospital back east and forget about him. He couldn't ever forget Tommy. It was out of the question to send him away.
So many told him to do it though. Emma was the only one who backed him. She said she couldn't send any of hers away. But then she paused and asked the doctor one question.
"Do children sent to these hospitals get better?"
"There is no 'better', Mrs. Cain," Dr. Cooper had said. "They are kept safe and their families can move forward with their lives."
She had sat down and talked to Jimmy a long time. She pointed out that Tommy wouldn't grow easier to care for. From what the doctor had said, he might never walk or use the outhouse on his own. Rare would be a woman who would want to take that on. It would most likely just be the two of them. No one would think ill of him if he chose to send the child off.
He had raised wounded eyes to her then.
"He might never walk or even be out of diapers," he said with enough feeling to cause tears to spring to her dark eyes. "But he can smile. Have you seen his smile, Emma? He can love. I see it. I know he does. Who's going to love him back in a place like that?"
She had just pulled him into a hug then. She held him tight and let him cry.
"Why Emma? Why'd this happen to him? He's so sweet and he's got such a big heart."
"I know he does, Jimmy," she said softly while stroking his hair. "He must've gotten that heart from his father."
Years had passed. Tommy did learn to walk. It was much later than other children but he learned it all the same. He was nearly five before he could understand when he needed to relieve himself and what to do about it but it was a huge relief when he mastered that. He still wasn't perfect and Jimmy didn't relish the days when Tommy didn't quite make it or didn't wake up to go. But it's not as if it was Tommy's fault.
Tiny milestones had been reached and every one made Jimmy sit and question himself. Did he do the right thing by keeping Tommy with him? These little things they celebrated were taken for granted by other families. Tommy was nearly ten when he figured how to fasten his own clothing.
Emma had sent a bear that she had made for Tommy and it wore a little coat. She had put extra large buttons on the coat to make them easier for his still chubby fingers to work. Still most mornings at that time Jimmy would lean in to Tommy's room and wake him before heading to the kitchen to make their breakfasts. Tommy would come into the kitchen dressed but with his shirt hanging open and his trousers undone. Jimmy would crouch down and fasten everything. He didn't think about it anymore than he had thought about making sure there was something to prop the boy with when he was nearly a year. It's just the way life with Tommy was.
But one day, a few weeks after Emma had sent the stuffed bear, Tommy came out into the kitchen and Jimmy turned and crouched without thinking. There was nothing for him to do though but help the boy tuck his shirttails in. The shirt was buttoned and the pants were too. True, he had gotten a couple buttons out of alignment but it was done.
"Bet you're feeling pretty proud of yourself right now," Jimmy had said with mock gruffness. Somehow for all Tommy didn't understand about the world and the people in it, he caught every one of Jimmy's playful moods. Tommy had nodded with a big satisfied smile on his face. Jimmy couldn't help but smile back. No one could resist that boy's smile. "Well…you should. Damned clever what you done. Think maybe we should celebrate with some hotcakes?"
The boy had nodded vigorously. Oh he could talk and aside from it being forced sounding at times and him having trouble with certain letters when they got together, he was pretty easy to understand. But when he was excited, he sometimes couldn't concentrate hard enough to speak. It didn't matter. They didn't really need words.
It was times like that though when he found himself sitting up later than he should. Perhaps other mothers and fathers celebrated a child being able to dress themselves…but not at ten years old. It was in the midst of the small successes that Jimmy felt most overwhelmed by the struggles the poor child faced.
As if struggling to button shirts and use the outhouse wasn't enough, struggling past the meanness of others was sometimes almost more than Jimmy could bear. He had never sent Tommy to school. There was little point to it. But he had to bring him along when he got supplies. The guns he still strapped to his hips from time to time kept anything from being said to the child's face. But more than once, one of Kid and Lou's kids had come home with bruises and a black eye for defending Tommy. Rachel confessed that more than once she hadn't wanted to break up the fight. Kid and Lou had a couple children older than Tommy and a couple younger. Even the younger two stuck up for Tommy and helped him do things. It made him nearly weep sometimes how those kids went out of their way to include Tommy in their games and even let him win or nearly win so he wouldn't feel bad.
All this brought them to today. Tommy had just turned thirteen. Other boys his age were asking for guns for Christmas which was only a few days away. Some were even starting to think about what they might give certain young ladies to turn their heads. Tommy wanted a toy train. In a way it was nice. Lou often lamented that hers were growing so fast and what she wouldn't give for a few moments with the babies and little children they used to be. Jimmy would never have a grown child, really. Tommy, he figured, was stuck somewhere around six years old.
But that made him sad too. A part of him selfishly loved the importance he would always have but a child is meant to grow up, to live a life apart, to marry, to have children, to keep a circle going. Tommy was stopped and would run in place the rest of his days.
He feared that Tommy would outlive him as it was meant for children to do. Who would care for him? Who would make him hotcakes and celebrate his tiny victories?
Sadly, he thought, that might not even be a worry. The doc had warned him more than once that children like Tommy often had heart troubles and other troubles as well. He tried not to think about it. Tried not to think that someday he might have to bury the one who gave more meaning to his life than he ever thought it could have.
Today had not been a day to think about the names Tommy had been called or the tears he had cried in frustration at not being able to master something his "cousins" did so easily. Today had not been for thinking about the life Tommy might lead in his eventual absence or that Jimmy, himself, might be the one left alone. Today had been one of the little miracles.
A package had arrived from Emma. It contained Christmas presents that Jimmy set aside. In a couple days they could open them and it would be almost like being with Emma and Sam and their rowdy bunch. There had also been a birthday present for Tommy.
Jimmy had handed it over and watched as Tommy hugged the paper wrapped package to his chest and said, "Dear God, Thank you for Emma and Sam. Amen."
Then he tore away the brown paper and found a tablet and some crayons. Jimmy had smiled and left Tommy to his coloring with a reminder that crayons were only for drawing paper and nothing else.
Now Jimmy had known that Rachel had been working with Tommy on learning his alphabet and even how to write some things. So perhaps what came next should have been no surprise. Jimmy was setting supper to cook when Tommy came into the room.
"Pa," the boy said and Jimmy looked to him. "I made something for you…for Christmas. I don't wanna wait to give it to you."
He looked sheepish about it and Jimmy knew it was because he had chastised the boy in the past for his impatience about Christmas presents. But that had been more about Tommy wanting his own presents. This was different.
"I can wait but if it means that much to you, you can give it to me now."
Tommy smiled that winning smile of his. He really was a joy. Jimmy had never known anyone in the world who loved or smiled so purely or unselfishly. He might be a trial sometimes but the reward was more than worth it. The boy extended a hand with a folded piece of paper torn from the tablet in it.
Jimmy thanked the boy and took the paper. Unfolding it he saw Tommy had drawn a picture. There was a woman floating in the sky and next to her was written in letters all different sizes and shakily formed, "ANGLE". Jimmy smiled. It was close. Beneath her stood two figures hand in hand. One wore gun belts criss-crossed over his hips. Maybe they were gun belts. He sort of assumed so. Both figures wore smiles.
His eyes were already moist from just seeing how far Tommy had come in being able to write and draw. He'd had the hardest time even learning to hold a crayon or pencil. Now he read the words and they were his complete undoing.
"TOMY LVE PA."
Misspelled and even malformed as the letters might be, they were the most beautiful thing Jimmy thought he had read. He hugged Tommy tight and allowed tears to flow down his cheeks.
"I love you too, Tommy. I love you."
Now he sat in the chair in the front room watching absently as the flickering lantern did battle with the encroaching darkness of night and thought. He'd never been one for praying until Tommy had been placed in his arms. It wasn't until then he felt the need. But suddenly he needed help that could not be found in the people around him. He had first prayed for the strength to quit drinking and then for the wisdom to know what to do. After that he at times had disagreements with the man upstairs. How He could put such a loving heart in a child meant to suffer so would always stick in Jimmy's craw. He asked for things to be easier for Tommy and sometimes even for Tommy to suddenly be like other children.
Tonight though, he thought of Tommy's prayers. Tommy never asked a thing. He never asked for God to make someone better or even to look out for them. Never was there a "please watch over Emma or Pa or Aunt Lou". It was always a thanks. Tommy simply thanked the good Lord for what he had been given and never asked more than that.
Jimmy clutched the picture tight in his hands as he slid from the chair and knelt on the rug. He set the picture reverently in front of him and clasped his hands together tightly.
"Dear God, Thank you. Thank you for Angel. She might not've known that's who or what she really was but Helen was the fake part. She was an angel. I see that now. Thank you for the family that saw me through everything. They kept on loving me when I tried to push them off, when I wasn't lovable. Thank you maybe especially for Emma. She's an angel too whether she knows it or not. I do. Thank you most of all for Tommy. Thank you for his smiles and thank you for his hugs and thank you even for the times when he frustrates the heck out of me. Thank you for showing me how much love can be in a person and how much I can love them back. Thank you for giving me the strength to be a shelter for that boy. Thank you for somehow telling me that it wasn't right to send him away. Thank you for nights with fireflies for us to catch and summer days we can fish and watch the dragonflies dance. Thank you for always giving me the strength I need when I feel like I ain't got nothing left. Mostly though, thank you for him, for Tommy, for my boy. I haven't always seen it but he's all I ever could have asked for. Thank you for showing me it's better to have my hands full than my heart empty."
He paused to breathe and wipe his eyes and then threaded his fingers once again and bowed his head.
"I know I ask for a lot and don't say thank you enough. I'll get better though. It seems I have as much to learn from Tommy as he does from me. But I got one other thing to ask. I know it probably ain't anything that can happen but…I want to ask it all the same. I know I say a lot I wish Tommy could be like everyone else. I always thought I meant that I wanted him to change. Now I think I want something different. I wish everyone in the world could be like Tommy. Maybe not exactly, but if everyone's heart was like his, if everyone loved like he does…well, the world would be a lot better, I think."
Jimmy thought a moment and realized he had said all he needed to so he simply said, "Amen." Then he stood and picked the picture up. He set it tenderly on the table that sat between the two chairs in the room. He would have to make a frame for that and find a special place to hang it.
Walking down the hall he paused and leaned into Tommy's room and watched a few moments as the boy's chest rose and fell with his breathing.
"I love you, son," he whispered and then continued to his room and to bed. Morning wasn't going to wait around for him after all.
This story hit closer to home than I often allow stories to come. My children do not have the same set of special needs that Tommy does but they do have their own challenges and struggles. I know what it is to celebrate your nearly ten year old son finally asking for shoes that tie because he can finally tie them and is no longer limited by his delayed fine motor skills. I know that this song has many meanings and maybe even wasn't written about special needs children but it's where my head goes when I hear the words. This is from Annie Lennox's Christmas album which is really good. Her version of The Holly and the Ivy is one of the best I have ever heard. I don't have much else to say about this story except that I hope you all enjoy it. Hopefully I still have one more Christmas story left for you all. It's being a challenge though and the deadline is looming. If I do not see you all again before Christmas, I hope yours is merry!-J
Universal Child – Annie Lennox
How many mountains must you face before you learn to climb.
I'm gonna give you what it takes, my universal child.
I'm gonna try to find a way to keep you safe from harm.
I'm gonna be a special place, a shelter from the storm.
And I can see you, your everywhere, your portrait fills the sky.
I'm gonna wrap my arms around you, my universal child.
And when I look into your eyes, so innocent and pure.
I see the shadow of the things that you've had to endure.
I see the tracks of every tear that ran ran down your face.
I see the hurt, I see the pain, I see the human race.
I can feel you, your everywhere, shining like the sun.
And I wished to god that kids like you could be like everyone.
How many tumbles must it take before you learn to fly.
I'm going to help you spread your wings, my universal child.
I can feel you everywhere shining like the sun.
And I wished to god that kids like you could be like everyone.
And I wished to god that kids like you could be like everyone.