Title: Claustrophobia
Fandom: Free!
Pairings: Makoto/Haruka
Rating: T
Warnings: Anxiety Attacks
Summary: Post-Free! Eternal Summer Fic
It was a terrible idea right from the start. They were underage and in a club that didn't even bother ID. A club that happened to be inside a building that looked like an abandoned warehouse, in some godforsaken backstreet on the outskirts of the city. Everything about this from start to finish was a god-awful idea.
A/N:
A very very self-indulgent fluff fic I guess. I didn't plan on writing it, but I ended up doing so anyways so I figured I'd post it. I feel kind of bad that everything I've been writing for Makoto and Haru has been so angst-ridden lately. It's probably because I relate to Makoto more often than not. Don't worry, there's no sad ending.
Not everyone has or handles anxiety attacks the same way, it's all situational so everyone should just do their best when they or a friend has one. It'll pass!
Claustrophobia
It was a terrible idea right from the start. They were underage and in a club that didn't even bother ID. A club that happened to be inside a building that looked like an abandoned warehouse, in some godforsaken backstreet on the outskirts of the city. Everything about this from start to finish was a god-awful idea.
They had just graduated high school not even a week earlier and Nagisa had somehow managed to convince their entire group to head out to the city to go clubbing. The small devil had the address of a club that was extremely lenient when it came to security. He had been there a few times himself, courtesy of his more rebellious older sister.
Nagisa worked a system, starting with getting Rin on board, which was hardly a problem, and then continuing to Rei and Haru before Makoto. The only way he managed to convince Rei was by explaining how the crowd dancing and the lights flashing were absolutely beautiful. So beautiful and exciting, it went beyond his wildest dreams. He also promised the entire group that no alcohol would be involved, since the bar inside was less tolerant.
For days Rin badgered Haru to come with them. Finally Nagisa came whining to him about how if he didn't go Makoto wouldn't, and thus miss out on an important life experience. Haru surrendered under the pushiness of his friends and the guilt in his chest. Makoto had wanted to go to Tokyo, so what if he was interested in going clubbing too? What if Haru missed the signs or Makoto was holding back for his sake? He had already decided he'd be moving forward together with him. It's why he chose a university in Tokyo. He wasn't going to leave Makoto's side again.
When Haru finally agreed Makoto followed along reluctantly.
It was in this way that they, with the addition of Sousuke who Rin had dragged along, ended up inside the large box of a building. The base from the speakers shook Haru's heart, and unpleasant tingles ran up his sides. The lights flashing about were full of color and life. A large mob of people stood in front of them, moving along with the music. It was like a sea during a storm, uncontrollable waves that could swallow you up and drown you laid before his feet. It was a little thrilling, but more worrisome than anything else. Haru didn't know if he could swim in that.
The group huddled into a corner, shouting to each other. Nagisa pointed out the bar and the bathroom easily, and directed the group to stay away from the upper balconies. No one dared to ask why, though a glance up at them proved that people were occupying the space. The bouncing boy also explained that they had arrived early, so the place would certainly get more crowded once it hit one o'clock. He explained that the place to get cell service was near the doors or the bathroom. He also instructed them to send out a text should anyone get lost, as calls would get dropped easily even in places of service. There were far too many people with cellphones in the area for calls to work.
Everyone took Nagisa's words to heart, seeing as he was the only one really experienced with the club. As soon as the explanations were over, the group dispersed into various directions. Makoto and Haru stood against the wall where they had been, watching as Nagisa pulled Rei into the massive crowd. Rin and Sousuke followed at their own leisure pace. Rin was already swinging to the beat even before he disappeared into the crowd.
Haru gazed back out at the waves of people. A sea of erratic, uncontrollable movements of arms and hands and hips lay before him. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't a bit interested. Makoto seemed to catch the look in his eye, despite the darkness that surrounded them. He leaned down to his ear, speaking just loud enough to be heard.
"Do you want to go dance, Haru?"
Haru glanced up at his best friend. He looked a bit strange, but Haru brushed it off as the lighting and the unusualness of his outfit. Rin had dressed him much like he'd dress himself. V-necks and necklaces under an unbuttoned dark plaid shirt, cuffed sleeves pulled up to his elbows. It was both similar and unfamiliar. It was Makoto's clothes, but Rin's style. It made him a little dizzy looking at it.
"If you come with me," Haru offered, taking his hand.
They had been easing into a new part of their relationship for months now. It was painfully slow for their friends, or so they complained, but it was the right pace for them. Just because they had spent the entirety of their conscious lives together didn't mean the transition would be any quicker. It was still new, and they were testing the waters and enjoying its simplicity.
The butterflies in their stomachs when they'd kiss, and the way their fingers tingled when they touched each other with romantic intent. Haru wanted to savor it all because he had taken for granted just how much Makoto was there for him before. Someday he might repeat his mistake and forget that this kind of happiness wasn't always there. He wanted to soak it all in and emphasize how important and wonderful it was. He wanted to cherish every new experience before it became the norm. Even if the warmth and love remained, the nervous excitement wouldn't last forever.
"Alright," Makoto replied, a small smile gracing his lips.
Haru went forward, feeling the gentle tug of Makoto's hand as they walked into the crowd of people, maneuvering their way through until they found a suitable area to dance. The crowd wasn't as over packed as it had looked, but Haru still pulled them off to the side so there was enough room for the two boys to dance without stepping on feet. Haru swayed to the music at first, and Makoto followed suit, sporting a blush so bright even in the crazy lighting Haru could see it.
As soon as they had entered the group the music had slowed down. The lighting shifted from shades of angry red and orange to blues and greens and Haru was falling in love. It was hot and sticky, but the look of the blue and green beams of light that painted the swaying people was intoxicating. Makoto had his back to the center of the crowd and Haru used his vantage point to gaze over Makoto's shoulder and at the large mass.
Makoto tensed at Haru's sudden proximity, surprised to find Haru resting his chin on his shoulder, before he took that as an invitation and wrapped his arms around him. Haru turned in time to see Makoto close his eyes as they swayed to the music. He wrapped his arms around Makoto's waist and turned his attention back at the soothing image before him.
They stayed like that for a while before the music started to energize again. Makoto and Haru fell into an easy rhythm with each other, no fancy moves since neither of them had skills with dancing. Not long after their sixth song did Makoto ask to take a break. Haru was disappointed, but agreed despite enjoying the song that had been bouncing off the walls and shaking his feet.
They ran into Rin and Sousuke who weren't far from the bar, drinking bottles of water.
"Where'd you get that?" Haru questioned, gazing longingly at the clear liquid. Rin started laughing.
"Man you're obsessed. They sell them at the bar of course, but be warned their expensive." Rin shrugged, leaning against his oldest friend.
"So you guys danced right? When'd you go in?"
"After the first three songs," Makoto supplied. Rin nodded.
"We just cut out before that last one. I'm not really fond of that heavy stuff, can't really dance to it."
"As if you know how to dance anyways," Sousuke quipped. He didn't even flinch when Rin kicked him.
"Shut up, like you can."
"Well, I can keep the beat."
"And I can't!?"
Haru tuned the two out, gazing back out at the crowd. He didn't want to stop, but he didn't want to dance alone. The mass of people was definitely growing as time went on, nearly doubling in width. Even where he and Makoto had just been had filled up until no space was left. Nagisa was right when he had said they had arrived early. Haru hadn't noticed the growth in people initially. He had been lost in the weird trance like state he had entered on the dancefloor. He wondered if Makoto had noticed the sudden increase.
Even standing just off the bar they were crowded by the masses. Haru was going to ask to go dance again, but before he could, he felt himself being pulled away.
"I'm borrowing Haru-chan! We'll be back after this song!" Nagisa called over his back. Haru turned back to where Makoto and Rin stood dumbfounded by the sudden kidnapping. Sousuke was the only one who waved in acknowledgement to what Nagisa had said.
Nagisa was covered in glow stick necklaces and bracelets, his face had glitter and black light paint smeared on his cheeks. Haru wondered where he even came across all those things. In a matter of seconds he was standing in front of Rei, who had a black light butterfly painted on both cheeks.
"Nagisa-kun don't frighten me like that! You left me all alone!"
"Sorry, sorry, Rei-chan. I had to find Haru-chan! He's going to love this next song!"
Haru gazed apprehensively at the boy. "Why do you know what song is coming on?"
"Because, Haru-chan! My sister is dating the DJ, I can make special requests!" Nagisa exclaimed, practically jumping.
He grabbed Haru and Rei's hands and all of a sudden the base dropped. He didn't mean that in musical terms either. It felt like the base had just dropped to the floor and the music was radiating up off the ground. Haru's heart was working overtime trying to catch up. He felt like his heart would drop dead from the onslaught of vibrations. Adrenaline was pumping through his veins. He felt light headed and in a way he did enjoy it, but he also felt sick and it was scaring him. He couldn't control his breath or heart beats; they were slaves to the music's pulsations. It sounded romantic in words but it was terrifying and unpleasant.
Haru yanked Nagisa close and told him he had to go. Nagisa looked utterly disappointed, but let go of him. Haru set his sights on the nearest wall and he tried to weasel his way out of the crowd and back to the bar but felt his feet slip out from underneath him. The mass was standing shoulder to shoulder and he was sinking further down. Haru felt cold panic take hold of him before a strong hand yanked him up right and pulled him into sturdy arms. He had little time to understand what was happening before he was then forcefully pushed forward through the crowd.
For a second he had thought Makoto had found him before he realized that a cold bracelet was digging into his arm, and Makoto would never treat him so harshly. When they had reached the wall Haru looked behind him to see that Sousuke had pulled him out of the chaos. He was going to thank him, but suddenly the dark haired boy was grabbing him by the wrist and dragging him to the other side of the room.
"Yamazaki!?" Haru yelled, but he couldn't tell if he was even loud enough to be heard by the other. It wasn't like Haru had a particularly loud voice in the first place.
They were already outside the club when he had finally released him. The sudden difference in volume was glaring. Haru felt like he just slipped underwater, the music muffled after the big metal doors slammed back close. They were standing in an alleyway. It was chilly, but refreshing since Haru had been sweating since they entered the club.
"Rin! I found Nanase," Sousuke called, walking away from Haru. His brain decided it was time to catch up, and Haru looked over to see him standing over Rin, who was on his knees in front of Makoto. Makoto's fist was curled in Rin's shirt, his legs and right arm tucked against him as close as they could. His eyes were closed and his breathing harsh. Rin looked like a mess, staring at Makoto's huddled form in dismay.
"Haru, I don't know what to do!" He cried.
Rin had seen a few of Makoto's anxiety attacks as a child, but he never had to do anything. Haru or Makoto's mother were usually there to calm him down. Haru surged forward, finding strength in his quaking legs. He got down on his knees in front of him. All of the color had been drained from Makoto's face. He looked like he could die. Even his lips were almost a papery white.
"Makoto, I'm here now," Haru said. He watched the way Makoto's grip on Rin's shirt tightened.
He had heard him.
"I'm going to touch you, okay?" he always asked, even though he never got a response. He just wanted Makoto to know what was happening. He always shut his eyes when the attacks happened, so if people just touched him without announcement it'd freak him out more.
Haru placed his hands on both sides of Makoto's face, rubbing gentle circles into the skin.
"I'm here now. We're going to do this together, like always," Haru assured him. Makoto's shaking didn't stop, but it calmed down just a bit.
"You did well, Makoto. You brought Rin with you so he could get help, right?"
Makoto's grip on Rin loosened just a tad. Makoto always felt awful for having anxiety attacks, like it was somehow his fault and he was inconveniencing everyone. Once as boy he had had an attack and didn't tell anyone. He tried to keep it to himself, but he ended up in such a horrible state he had to be taken to the doctor's and given a sedative. From then on he promised he'd let people know instead of trying to hide it.
Sousuke and Rin stayed silent as they watched Haru coax the other boy out of his tight ball. Haru started by rubbing his hands on his shoulders, murmuring things to Makoto as he unfolded the boy. He pushed Makoto's back flat against the cold brick wall and gently pulled his legs out straight. He walked Makoto through the whole thing, always keeping at least one hand on his cheek.
"Makoto, you need to start breathing," Haru instructed him. "Breathe with me, Makoto."
Haru got up on his knees, and in slow movements pulled Makoto's head against his chest. He placed his ear flush against him, cradling Makoto's head.
"In," Haru said, filling his lungs with oxygen.
"Out," he breathed, releasing it into the cold air around them.
"In," he repeated and he felt Makoto follow him. Haru stopped speaking, letting his steady rhythm take over Makoto's. The gentle boy freed Rin's shirt and encircling one arm around Haru and placed the other against the wall. His palm pressed flat against the cold stone to ground himself. They continued for about ten minutes. Rin moved to stand next to Sousuke, but said nothing.
With the worst behind him a sudden sob fell out of Makoto's mouth.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he chanted. Haru kept taking in exaggerated breathes and releasing them, moving his hands to comb through the younger boy's hair. Makoto's sobbing calmed down, unconsciously keeping with Haru's pace.
"There's nothing to be sorry about," Haru reassured, finally sitting back down next to Makoto. He wiped away his tears with the sleeve of his thin sweater.
"I didn't mean to," Makoto started, a hiccup interrupting him. "I should have said something earlier."
"That's why you stopped dancing?"
It was more a statement than a question but Makoto nodded, grabbing Haru and taking refuge in his embrace. He kept breathing deeply on his own to calm the hiccups. Haru felt guilty for not having noticed earlier.
"When that last song came on, I couldn't do it." Makoto peeked up from his hiding place in Haru's neck. "I'm sorry, Rin."
Rin jumped. Embarrassed and a bit angry, at himself or Makoto, he wasn't sure.
"Don't be sorry, stupid! I'm sorry I couldn't do anything."
"You got me," Haru asserted, turning to face the other two boys.
"I'm just glad Sousuke heard me over all that noise," Rin said, trying to divert the attention off himself.
"I'm glad you were still by Hazuki when I came to look for you. The kid looked like one giant traffic reflector," Sousuke joked, trying to lighten the mood. The tall boy was still a bit tense from what had transpired.
Makoto smiled at the thought, hugging onto Haru like he was a lifeline.
"Haru, I am sorry I had to stop your dancing. You looked like you were having so much fun," Makoto sighed. Haru shook his head.
"That last song was too much. Yamazaki had to save me," Haru informed him. Sousuke grimaced at the memory.
"That last song was crazy. I don't understand how people find that fun."
"It was frightening," Haru agreed solemnly. Makoto looked at him, surprised.
"Haru was scared?"
"I couldn't walk," he stated with a frown. Rin looked at Sousuke, expecting a better explanation. Sousuke just sighed.
"The crowd was packed so tight together that they pick you right up off your feet. Nanase had slipped, and couldn't regain his footing. Honestly, if you don't have the height or muscle it'd probably be pretty impossible getting out of being trampled."
"That sounds terrifying," Rin murmured with wide eyes. Makoto nodded in shaky agreement, already frightened beyond belief by their words.
"Never again," Haru frowned. His boyfriend pulled back, looking somehow hurt.
"But Haru, you really were having a good time, weren't you? Maybe you just need to find a smaller club."
Haru's eyes did not waver when they met Makoto's. Several slightly varying looks passed between the two before Makoto sighed. His shoulders slumped in defeat under Haru's persistence. Rin's gaze flickered between the two before he blew out an exasperated huff.
"Okay, translation? Anyone? I can't fucking read minds like some people here," Rin gritted out, tapping his foot. Sousuke almost laughed at his childishness. He was clearly just annoyed about being left out of a conversation that was happening in front of him.
Haru turned to Rin with a blank, unamused stare, before a brief flicker passed through his eyes. Rin's eyebrow began to twitch and he scowled at the other.
"Just becomes I'm not fluent doesn't mean I don't understand everything!" Having gotten the message he grabbed Sousuke's arm and stalked away. The doors had locked behind them so they traveled out the alleyway and to the front entrance. Sousuke trailed behind in silence, used to his friend's behavior.
Haru turned back to Makoto and sat against him, interlacing their fingers.
"How long?" Haru asked, resting his head against Makoto's shoulders. His boyfriend sighed, knowing Haru had picked up on the rest of his feelings, and not just what he wanted him to see.
"Just a few more minutes is fine. I've already calmed down quite a lot. It's not that I don't like them it's just," he trailed off, turning his gaze to the few viewable stars above.
"Okay," Haru responded, nuzzling into his boyfriend's warmth.
He didn't need an explanation. Haru knew that Makoto hated recovering around other people. Just because the attack had passed didn't mean he could bounce right back from it. It wore him out, and although he was close to the other two boys, it still made him feel uneasy. Makoto couldn't even relax around his siblings or his father. It was only his mother and Haru that he allowed around him after an attack.
"I was surprised," Makoto whispered. Haru stiffened for half a second before he hummed for Makoto to continue. It was rare that Makoto wanted to speak while he was recuperating.
"I thought I had had it under control. When we were in Tokyo visiting schools I was fine, even on the subway I was okay."
Haru shifted around so he was holding Makoto in his arms, shielding him from the outside world with his body. Makoto was only shorter than Haru for a few short years of their friendship, but he had never gotten over the feeling of Haru being older. The feeling of Haru being his support, someone who was strong enough to protect him.
Haru never complained. He loved that he had so much faith in him. He loved holding Makoto in his arms, as if he was so small. At first he thought it was annoying because of how much the other boy had grown.
However, eventually he saw the sincerity of Makoto's feelings and accepted that he never would grow to think lesser of Haru for being smaller.
"Thank you for being with me, Haru," Makoto mumbled against his shirt. Haru's heart clenched, and he squeezed Makoto all the tighter.
"Makoto, let's go home."
He simply nodded before standing, pulling Haru up with him. They walked back onto the street and were surprised to see not only Rin and Sousuke standing there against the wall, but Rei and Nagisa too. Rei and Nagisa were covered in all kinds of crazy colorful things, looking tired and disappointed. Nagisa didn't even have the energy to yell their names.
Their disappointment was hidden well when they caught sight of the two and Haru knew that Rin must have told them. It was weird after all, leaving when they had only been there for a few short hours. The original plan was to stay until the first morning trains.
"Man that took you long enough," Rin spat, propelling himself up off the wall. A smile found its way to his lips as he saw Makoto looking brighter than he had before.
"Huh? Was it really that long?" Makoto asked, turning curious eyes to his boyfriend. Haru shrugged in response.
"How about a whole damn hour," Rin sneered. "We were just discussing calling a cab before you two lovebirds finally decided to grace us with your presence."
Makoto flushed in embarrassment and Haru made no notion to indicate he had heard even a single word that came out of Rin's mouth. Sousuke noticed Rin's joking annoyance turning into real irritation. Quickly he pulled out his cell and called for a cab, causing everyone to quiet down as he talked over the phone. They had to get a van to fit everyone, but between the six they would have enough money to get them back to Iwatobi.
"Everyone's crashing at Haru's!" Nagisa cheered, regaining just a bit of his energy. Haru only let out the tiniest sigh.
He would have been completely okay with the notion if it wasn't for Makoto's attack. He wanted to spend some more alone time with the other, and not bombard him with the crazy amount of socializing which was sure to follow. A sleepover is not meant for sleeping, informed Nagisa the first time he had stayed overnight.
Haru wanted to tell everyone to be quiet, and to not touch Makoto, but he knew that pointing these things out would only put more stress on his shoulders. He took vigil at Makoto's side, blocking the others from him. Rin vaguely knew not to touch Makoto afterwards, but he could be forgetful, especially when he was tired. Surprisingly it was Sousuke who had noticed and flanked Rin, making himself closest to Makoto on his other side. Sousuke was a stone wall, barely budging when Rin swayed into him. Haru nodded in appreciation when their eyes made contact.
Makoto kept licking his lips before pulling the bottom one in between his teeth and repeating. He rolled his lips together, signs that he didn't want to speak but felt the need to. The taxi finally arrived and everyone piled in. Makoto sat in a single seat on the side, Rin taking the front seat with the driver. Haru sat behind Makoto in the back with the now restless Nagisa and Rei, and Sousuke took the single seat on the left side.
The trip back was long, but they made it through. If Haru wasn't so worried about Makoto he might have thanked Rin for his sacrifice. Poor Rin spent the ride's duration with their driver, who happened to be a conversationalist even in the wee hours of the morning. Even Nagisa's chatter had died out by the end.
Makoto insisted on helping get out the futons when they had final arrived at Haru's. He let him, only to let the boy have some sense of normalcy. Rin made an offhanded remark about how he'd never thought he'd see Sousuke in Haru's house, but they both simply stated it had not been the first time. Haru let Sousuke take the brunt of Rin's questioning as he helped Makoto with the bedding.
"Where are you going Haru-chan?" Nagisa inquired, seeing him pushing Makoto up the stairs.
"To bed," he replied. Rin successfully stopped any further interrogation by slapping the small boy with a pillow. Makoto and Haru walked up the stairs, leaving the pillow fight behind them.
"Haru, we can sleep downstairs with everybody, I really don't mind," Makoto offered in a weak attempt at being himself. His smile didn't even reach his mouth, let alone his eyes. Haru blew hot air out of his nose before tugging the other boy inside his bedroom, locking the door behind them.
"We aren't sleeping with those nuisances," he mumbled. They both fell into their natural routine of changing into their sleep clothes, an extra set of Makoto's always within Haru's drawers.
"You shouldn't say that about your friends Haru," he sighed. A tease that fell short of its normal gentle sarcasm.
Haru made a noncommittal noise before pulling back his covers. They crawled into his bed, pulling up the blankets to their chins. Makoto staid lying on his back, brow creasing and eyes glistening as he trapped himself in his own endless cycle of self-loathing. Haru pulled himself closer to the other, rubbing circles into Makoto's side.
"I'm really sorry Haru, I don't know why I do that," he choked out, frustration at his own helplessness taking over. He dug the palms of his hands into his eyes. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay Makoto," Haru assured, voice firm. Makoto's frown deepened, biting his lip as he tried to hold in his tears.
"I really hate this," he confessed.
"It's okay to hate it."
"Why can't this just stop happening? Why can't I just be normal?" he cried, voice shaking. Haru touched his cheek, brushing away the saltwater trails.
"There's nothing wrong with the way Makoto is."
He choked on his tears, trying to hold back even more water from spilling out. His chin quivered and he let out a ragged breath.
"I know Haru, I'm sorry I keep complaining."
"Makoto," he sighed, kissing his shoulder. "It's okay to complain."
"I know, I'm just, I'm sorry. I wish I could stop," he continued. Haru hummed, rubbing his cheek against Makoto's clothed shoulder.
"It's okay. It's hard right now, but it will pass."
Makoto cried in silence. Long minutes passed before Makoto started focusing on his breathing. He wiped away his tears and turned to Haru. His hand hovered over Haru's cheek, and Haru turned his head to kiss it. Makoto's hand pulled away on instinct before it returned, gently pressing against Haru's skin. His gaze never left Makoto's eyes, watching the other for signs. Gentle brows released their tension and Haru was pulled into loving arms.
"I'll be better in the morning," Makoto vowed.
"It doesn't matter. I am only better when Makoto is with me," Haru confessed. Warm arms squeezed him, a kiss sitting on his forehead.
"I'm better when Haru is with me, too."
Haru wanted to protest but thought better of it. Makoto was calming down and sleep was taking over. He ran his fingers along his back, soothing the tall boy to sleep. A pleasant noise rumbled within Makoto's chest, enjoying the gentle care.
"I love you," Makoto whispered.
"I know," Haru hummed. "I love you too."
Makoto's lips fell into an easy smile, and Haru wished to capture its gentle curve and slope outlined by the shadows and light of the moon. Belatedly Haru realized that his blinds were still up. He stretched his arm behind him awkwardly, successfully dropping the shades but straining his shoulder in the process. It would be awful to fall asleep only to be woken up by the early morning light not two hours later. Makoto yawned into the pillow as Haru settled back into a comfortable position.
"Goodnight Haru."
"Goodnight Makoto."