Someone to love
Disclaimer: The characters of Ranma ½ belong to Rumiko Takahashi. I am only borrowing them.
Hah! I have once again proven that Ranma Saotome can overcome any obstacle and achieve anything I set my mind to!
You might be wondering why I'm in such a smug mood at the moment. After all, I haven't gotten into any fights lately, neither have I managed to find a cure for my curse, and I'm currently just sitting on a bench in a park on my own.
But that's just the point: I'm sitting on a bench in a park on my own. Nobody is here to bother me, no fiancées demanding a date, no angry rivals out for my blood, and no old man to pester me about my training. I'm sitting totally alone on a bench in a park. And I'm waiting for my date.
Yes, you heard right. I've got a date today. With a girl. Yes, a girl. I'm a guy and, despite what many people seem to think because of my curse, I'm not gay, damnit! Anyway, the girl I'm meeting today is not one of my fiancées.
This would normally be quite the problem, as all my fiancées are quite against me seeing yet another girl. Hell, they get angry when I just spent some time with one of my other brides-to-be, despite them all having equally valid claims on me. I can't count the times Akane has punched me into the canal because she thought I spent too much time talking to Shampoo or Ukyo. The same goes for Ukyo whenever I visit the Nekohanten to get some ramen and talk to Shampoo, and vice versa.
They're basically all pretty selfish girls who want me only to themselves. But I can't say that I blame them for that. I'm a pretty great guy, after all.
Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. As I already said, I'm having a date with the cutest girl today. And she's not only cute, she also knows what she wants and isn't afraid to go after it with ruthless efficiency and doesn't care who she might run over in the process of getting it.
I know that most people don't really like her, since she tends to ignore what other people think about her and only cares about herself and getting what she wants. Then there's the fact that she tends to hang out with a moronic wimp who thinks he's God's gift to women or something. That guy's even hitting on me when I'm a girl whenever he sees me, always groping me and trying to kiss me. Stupid jerk.
But I learned to look beyond all that and see her for the sensitive, caring girl she is.
And the best thing is that nobody is going to bother me and my date today.
Why is that, you ask?
Simple, because I had a plan to keep them from bothering me.
What's with that look, jerk? I come up with great plans! And they always work out, too!
All right, so they only work out most of the time and often need to be changed as I go along, but that's not the point!
And anyway, this plan was brilliant in its simplicity, if I may say so.
Let me start with how I manipulated Akane into leaving me alone today.
Don't look at me like that! I can manipulate people, especially angry macho tomboys with the strength of a gorilla.
My objective was simple: Keep Akane from trying to look for me today. And how would I go about doing that? That was also simple: Make her really really angry.
Essentially, I did the same I do every day, only taking it to an extreme level.
When I entered the dining-room this morning, I fixed Akane with a suitably thoughtful look and said: "Wow, 'Kane, you look kinda different today."
"You think so?" she replied, her head bowed to the floor and her cheeks red with embarrassment. I have no idea what actually went through her head at that moment, but I could make a pretty good guess - probably thought I was gonna make her a compliment or something -, and I actually felt kind of bad for what I was about to say next.
"Yeah. Is it possible for breasts to grow smaller? Because it looks like you've become even more flat-chested over night." I know that was a cruel thing to say. Despite what people may think, I'm not clueless when it comes to girls and what they want to hear from their boyfriends or fiancés, but I also knew that this would get the reaction I wanted from Akane.
Predictably, her face flushed bright red – only this time with anger, not shy embarrassment -, and with a scream of, "Ranma, you JERK!" she punched me outside and into the koi pond.
As I swam to the edge of the pond, I congratulated myself for successfully setting my plan into motion, although the throbbing pain in my left cheek that was already starting to swell made enjoying that first success a little difficult.
After I had dragged my dripping wet, female self back inside, Nabiki was the first to comment on the scene that had just taken place.
"It seems like you'll never learn, Saotome," she said dryly, fighting to hold back a smile while her eyes were sparkling with amusement.
"Really, Ranma," Kasumi added quickly, a disapproving frown blemishing her beautiful face. "That wasn't very nice. You should apologize to Akane."
Kasumi's words had seemingly worked to call the fathers, who had until then simply sat there with their mouths opened in stupefied amazement – apparently, my audacious statement had caused their brains to temporarily shut down -, into action too.
"My future son-in-law said my little girl has no breasts. Now the schools will never be joined!" Mr Tendo wailed. He was crying like Happosai had just bullied him into accompanying him on one of his nightly raids without wearing a disguise, revealing to everyone that Mr Tendo was the old pervert's disciple.
"Ranma!" said Pops. "How dare you treat your fiancée that way! Oh, how you shame your poor old father." He was striking a pose whose purpose was to make me feel bad, but only ended up looking like an idiot instead.
"Young man, you will apologize to my little girl this instant!" Mr Tendo said suddenly, going from crying in despair to angry, protective father in the blink of an eye, once again surprising me with how quickly he can switch from one extreme to the other. Just what is it with him, anyway? His mood swings are worse than Akane's when she's PMSing.
"No way!" I said. "I was just trying to be nice to her! Why should I apologize?"
"Just how exactly were you being nice to me, you jerk?!"
I turned towards Akane, and shrugged my shoulders in a gesture of confused cluelessness. "I know how you girls are always worrying about the size of your breasts and thought I'd warn you that yours seem to be getting smaller, since you have almost none in the first place."
Heh, riling Akane up was almost too easy. That last remark pushed her to the point where a nice and angry red glow sprung up around her. "I- I HATE you!"
She punctuated her statement with another ki-enhanced punch, sending me once again into the koi pond, and ran off to school, leaving behind a trail of sparkling tears.
Seeing those tears sparkling in the sunlight cause a jolt of discomfort to strike my heart, but for the sake of an undisturbed date, I had to endure it. I could always make it up to her later. At least I hope so.
I dragged my soggy carcass bag into the dining room, where Mr Tendo was once again reduced to a sobbing wreck, while Nabiki was only shaking her head, still looking at me with amusement. I found myself tempted to return her smile, but that might have revealed that something was wrong, so I desisted from smiling back at her.
Kasumi was sitting at her usual place at the table, fretting with the hem of her dress, and looked almost torn between anger and sympathy. "That wasn't a nice thing to say, Ranma. Even if you want to help, you should never tell a girl that her breasts are getting smaller." Ah, good old Kasumi. Always thinking the best of everyone. She actually believed that I was just trying to be nice. I'll have to think of something to apologize to her for my deception.
Just as I was about to reply that I would keep that in mind, Pops interrupted me.
"Boy! You'll go after your fiancée and apologize this instant!"
"Forget it, old man! I didn't do nothing wrong! It's not my fault that she's flat-chested!"
"Fine, have it your way then!" He jumped at me with his right leg stretched out in a flying kick.
I sighed inwardly. One would think he would have learned by now that I'm stronger than he is, but the learning curve of some people resembles a flat line. My Pops certainly is one of those people.
"I don't have time for this!" I replied as I dodged Pops attack. Then I grabbed his extended leg, and used Pop's momentum to spin around and throw him into the koi pond.
"I'm outta here," I said, grabbing the kettle with hot water in it, turning back into a boy, then I also headed off to school.
At lunch, Hiroshi and Daisuke, the perverted duo who somehow thought of themselves as experts on the subject on girls, despite never having had a date in their life, approached me.
"Dude, what did you do to Akane? She seems really pissed at you," Hiroshi said.
Why, thank you, Mr Obvious. I never would have noticed if you hadn't told me.
"Yeah man, I don't think I've seen her that angry with you since the day you and that other guy accidentally cut off her hair," Daisuke added.
I glanced over at Akane, who was sitting with her two friends Yuka and Sayuri within hearing distance and acting like they weren't listening in on us talking – and doing a totally lousy job at it too -, before I answered in a voice loud enough so they could clearly understand it.
"How the hell should I know? She's just being her stupid tomboy self again. And why should I care what that macho-chick's problem is anyway? It's not like I like her or anything." There, that should get her worked up a little more.
Seeing Akane grip her table tightly enough to break off two big chunks in her anger, I had to suppress a smirk. I had her right where I wanted her, all that was left to do then was to deliver the knock out punch so to speak.
I delivered that final knock out punch as we were walking home after school. I was up on the fence and Akane down on the pavement, doing her best to ignore me.
"You know, 'Kane," I said. "Having small breasts isn't really that big of a deal anyway. You could always buy one of those of wonder bras. Or you could stuff your bra with tissues. You'd just have to think of some alternative for when you're wearing a bathing suit, but since you can't swim anyway, that probably won't be a problem."
Akane continued to ignore me, though her grip on her school bag tightened to the point where her knuckles turned white. I could almost hear the poor satchel begging her to stop torturing it.
"Or maybe you could ask Shampoo for advice," I continued as if I was oblivious to her mounting anger. "She does have pretty big breasts, after all. Maybe there's some kind of special Amazon herb that helps with chest growth? Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen a flat-chested Amazon. Heh, guess you won't have to worry about the old ghoul trying to get you into the tribe, what with how it would pollute their gene pool and all."
"Will you shut up already?!" My fiancée screamed at me, having finally reached the end of her rope. "You're such a jerk! I don't want to ever see you again!" She kick the fence I was walking on, causing it to vibrate violently and sending me into the canal.
When I resurfaced, she was gone. Part of me felt elated that my plan had worked so well, while an equally big part of me hated myself for treating her like that. But I silently promised that I'll make it up to her.
You see, all in all, making sure that Akane wouldn't interrupt my date was a piece of cake.
Ryoga I also took care of pretty easily. Well, not really that easily; I had to search for the moron almost the whole day yesterday, until I finally found him camping in an abandoned lot about twenty minutes away from Furinkan High School.
He was sitting in front of a camp fire, feeling sorry for himself as usual, and mumbling about how he would soon tell Akane about his true feelings for her. Then he trailed off into deranged giggling as he no doubt had one of his stupid day-dreams where he and Akane where living happily ever after again. This pretty much extinguished any bad feelings I might have had over what I was about to do. Even if I don't want to marry the tomboy, she is still my fiancée and he has no right to try and win her for himself.
So I snuck up on him and knocked him out. Then I turned him into a pig, stuffed him into a box and mailed him to Siberia.
Hey, there's no reason for you to look so disgusted with that! Everything is fair in love and war, after all. That especially applies to taking care of moronic rivals who have the worst case of direction in the world and who also have the annoying habit of finding you at the worst possible moments. And besides, I even was generous enough to drill some holes into the box so he wouldn't suffocate. That's more than the little porker would have done for me!
Now you know how I took care of Ryoga and Akane, that leaves Ukyo and the Amazons.
Ukyo was a pretty tricky case, but after thinking long and hard about it, I finally managed to come up with something that was sure to have her off my back for a few days.
The day before yesterday, I went to Kaniguchi, he's a member of the Computer Club and he's especially good at altering pictures and stuff.
"Hey, Kaniguchi," I said as I entered the Computer Club room. "Can you do me a favour?"
He didn't take his eyes off his computer screen, but I knew I had his attention. "Depends, Ranma. What do you want me to do?"
"I need you to make me a flyer for a phoney cooking contest in Asahikawa in three days."
He grunted. "Sure, no problem. It's going to cost you though."
"What do you want?" I asked him with a bored sigh, having anticipated this.
At this, Kaniguchi finally looked up and smirked. "I want five pictures of 'Ranko'. Lingerie or bathing suit only."
I crossed my arms in front of my chest and stared him down. "You'll get one picture."
"Nah-ah," he waved his right index finger at me. "You know I'm the best at doing this kind of stuff and my work is worth a lot more than one measly picture. But since those pictures will be unique, not like the ones Nabiki sells, I'll settle for four."
"You'll get two and as a little bonus I won't kick your ass, how does that sound?" To put a little more force behind my threat I narrowed my eyes and raised my battle aura.
"All right, two pictures are more than what I expected anyway," he finally relented. "I'll have them ready in about two hours, is that okay with you?"
"Yeah, sure. Thanks for your help."
So I had invitations to a false cooking contest taking place in Honshu today, which I had placed in her mail yesterday, keeping her away from Nerima at least until tomorrow.
That left the Amazons, and for the longest time I was stumped for ideas on how I could get rid of them. At first I thought about asking some people at school to keep them busy with take-out orders the whole day, but I quickly dismissed that thought. With my luck, Shampoo would somehow stumble upon me and my date while making a delivery.
Then I came up with an idea. It was risky and could just as well lead to me getting beaten up as it could to the Amazons being away for a week. You want to know what it is? Fine, I'll tell you how I managed to send Shampoo to the mountains until next week.
It was yesterday, I had just snuck Ukyo's false invitation into her mail and was on my way to school, when Shampoo arrived on her bicycle.
After I had pried her off of me and denied her request for a date, I looked at her curiously.
"You know, Shampoo, there's something I've been wondering about."
"What's that, Airen?"
"Didn't you tell me once that you were the strongest Amazon of your generation?"
Shampoo nodded proudly. "That right! I is strongest of all young Amazon warriors!"
"Hmm," I replied thoughtfully. "Must be a bunch of wimps then."
"Excuse me," Shampoo said with a smile that told you to better watch what you say or she'll kick your ass. "My ears must be sick. I swear I hear Airen say Amazons is bunch of wimps."
"Don't worry, Shampoo," I replied, smiling at her reassuringly. "Nothing's wrong with your ears. That's exactly what I said."
"Airen want me to give too too good ass-whooping, yes?"
I laughed like I found the mere idea of Shampoo kicking my ass totally ludicrous - which it is, really. "Come now, Shampoo. I've beaten you how many times already?" I started ticking off my fingers. "There was that challenge fight in China. Then there were all those times when you tried to kill my girl form and I had to beat you up because I couldn't run away. I also beat you without even intending to when you tried to kill Akane. Then there was that fight during that reversal jewel mess. And didn't I also have to rescue you from the Ghost Cat? Why did I have to do that, I wonder, if you're such a great warrior?" I glanced at her, and gulped involuntarily; Shampoo was surrounded by a bright corona of a deep crimson colour and looking like she would try to scratch my eyes out any moment now. Despite that fearsome image, I ignored my apprehension and ploughed on. She would either accept my next suggestion or attack me, in which case I wouldn't even try to fight back. I knew that what I had said to her was a really heavy insult and that I deserved everything she would dish out. "You could of course try to prove me wrong. You could go to the mountains with your great-grandmother and train for a week. And when you come back, we'll have another fight."
"Is deal!" She said immediately, her eyes burning with fierce determination. That was probably exactly how I look whenever I accept a challenge with almost no chance of coming out victorious. Only that I, unlike everyone else, always win in the end. "I go train with great-grandmother for one week and when I come back, Airen get too too good ass-whooping for insulting Amazon warriors."
She turned around abruptly, her hair whipping around and slapping me in the face, then she pedalled off, leaving only a dust cloud behind.
As I stood there looking after her speeding away, I felt concerned for the briefest of moments. Then I remembered just how much better than Shampoo I was, and the feeling passed. There was just no way Shampoo could become good enough to beat me within a week. I was the best, after all. Heck, I even beat Cologne, who is a lot stronger, faster and experienced than Shampoo. Okay, so I had to use the cat-fist to accomplish that, but I did beat her.
Reassured that I would win, and happy that I had managed to get rid of all three Amazons at once – it was a sure bet that Mousse would accompany Shampoo on her training trip to support her any way he could -, I continued on to school.
Well, now you know how I managed to be here now, waiting for my date, without having to worry about being interrupted. Speaking of my date, she should arrive any moment now.
Ah, there she is! Isn't she just gorgeous? Don't try to tell me you wouldn't like to take her out yourself. Her perfect figure, that pretty brown hair, the way her hips sway seductively when she walks. Then there's her smile that sends people scrambling to secure their possessions, for they know that otherwise they would surely lose everything they have to this ruthless predator in the guise of a pretty girl.
When she finally crosses the remaining distance between us, I take her in my arms and press my lips against hers in a passionate kiss. After we disengage our lip lock for some much needed air, I look deeply into her eyes and say:
"Hello, Azusa."