DISCLAIMER: I do not own Torchwood. All rights belong to RTD and the BBC.
J/I. There might be some language, but nothing very harsh.
Ianto stood outside of Jack's door, trying to get up the courage to knock. Normally, he might have just walked right in, but today felt different. Today felt formal somehow.
He raised his fist, and then lowered it. He thought about turning around and skipping the whole thing, shelving it until he forgot about it, but he knew he couldn't. Last night had shown him that, and much as he didn't want to do this, it was something that had to be done. He tried to think of it as washing up after supper, or filing a report, just one more chore that needed doing before the day could end, but the idea of that made him ill. Jack wasn't a chore, and this wouldn't be as simple as filling in the blanks on a form. This wouldn't be as simple as quantum mechanics.
Ianto had almost said 'I love you' to Jack last night, the words coming so naturally and so easily, that he'd literally had to choke them back. He hadn't even realized until the moment he wanted to say them, how much it hurt to be unable to. How much it hurt to know that Jack would never say them back.
He tapped on the door lightly, and waited until Jack yelled, "Yes?" before entering. Jack gave him a quizzical look when he walked in, and moved to grab his hand. Ianto sidestepped the gesture, and sat down in a chair, foregoing his usual spot on Jack's desk.
Jack raised his eyebrows and smiled slightly. "Hey," he said, "what's up? You're acting weird."
Ianto smiled bitterly, feeling slightly calmer now that he was actually in the room.
"I need to talk to you," he said, and Jack came around to perch on the front of his desk.
"Sure," he said. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"I don't really know," Ianto replied, "I just… I need to know where we stand, where I stand. I can't do this anymore, Jack, what we've been doing. It hurts too much, and I need more from you. I mean, it's good what we have, but it isn't enough. Not anymore." Ianto stopped here and waited for Jack to respond, feeling far calmer than he should have.
"What exactly are you looking for?" Jack said, his arms crossed and face tight. "What do you want from me?"
Ianto shrugged. "I don't know. Everything you can give me, I guess. I want everything."
Jack nodded slowly, and they sat silently while he thought about an answer. Finally, just when it seemed as if he'd never reply, Jack said, "I can't promise you my life, Ianto. I can't promise you anything, except that I'll always be here if you want me. That's all I can give you. I'm sorry."
Ianto felt a tear slip down his cheek, which was surprising, because he felt perfectly composed. Not numb exactly, but not panicked and there was no pain. His hands weren't shaking, his voice was steady, and he said simply what needed saying, without rancor.
"I can promise you mine, Jack; my life, which probably won't last much longer. If you go by the average age a Torchwood employee makes it too, I have very few years. Two, maybe three. I figure if I make it to my thirtieth birthday, I can retire an old man, by our standards. And lets say that happens, and I don't get killed in action, and I don't fall down a flight of stairs, and I'm not murdered, and I don't catch a disease, that gives me what, sixty years? Sixty years, Jack, and what is that to a man who will live forever? Not only can I give you that, I already have. I have given you every year, every single day I have left, if you want them. I've given you my life, and you can't give me your time?
I never thought I'd agree with anything John Hart had to say, but my first thought when I heard him say that was 'yeah, I know how that feels, get in line.' I'm not asking for your life, I'm asking for mine. Why can't you give me that?"
Ianto watched as Jack tried to think of a suitable answer, and he knew that there wasn't one. There was nothing Jack could say that would explain why a man that had an infinite amount of time was so very reluctant to spend it. It was a curious kind of greed.
Ianto felt another tear fall, and he knew a part of his mind was in agony, despite the fact that he felt almost normal. The adrenaline was like a sedative, and Ianto found himself marveling at the strange way the mind and body can protect themselves.
"Ianto, I just can't" Jack said suddenly, pulling him back to the conversation. "It isn't who I am. I can be with you, and I can care for you, everyday for the rest of your life, but I cannot give myself to you. I can't give myself to anyone. I'm sorry."
Ianto nodded. He hadn't been expecting a different answer. He'd known this was a kamikaze mission from the moment he'd decided to have this conversation.
"I'm sorry too, Jack, because, I love you. I'm so in love with you. And it's not hero worship, or the fact that you're different, or anything complicated. It's very simple. You make me laugh, and you make me proud of you, and I love you. I wish that were enough; I wish I could love you too much to care about the rest of it, but I don't. I'll never love that blindly again, and I'm sorry for that."
Ianto stopped and waited for Jack to reply, but they had both said all there was to say. They sat in that awkward silence that always comes at the end of things, when it feels like every word has died.
After a minute, Ianto stood and let himself out of the office, shutting the door quietly behind him. He walked swiftly to the archives, and started sorting and filing, trying to keep his mind off what he'd just done. The tears welled up suddenly, and he sat down on the floor and wept, all alone with the dust and paper.
xxXXxx
Jack sat in silence after Ianto left, trying to understand exactly what had just happened. It had been a perfectly normal week, at least as normal as things ever were, and Ianto hadn't been showing any signs that he was upset. He was almost sure of it. They'd spent last night together and Ianto had just been Ianto.
Jack couldn't help feeling angry at being blindsided. He knew from experience that Ianto was very good at keeping his feelings to himself, but he'd thought they'd moved past that. He'd been under the impression that they'd reached a place where they could confide in each other, where they didn't have to hide from each other. He'd also been under the impression that they'd reached a place of understanding, and that Ianto accepted him as he was. Jack was angry that he'd been so wrong on every count.
He was angry that Ianto had made it his problem, he was angry that he'd been left, he was angry for things he didn't want to think about. Jack stood abruptly, shrugged into his greatcoat, and stormed out of his office, shutting the door far more forcibly than Ianto had.
Gwen looked up at the noise, a frown creasing her features.
"Where are you going?" she called, as he headed for the door.
"Out. Call me if the Rift explodes."
"Jack?"
He felt her touch his arm, and turned slowly, not wanting to take it out on her, but not wanting her kindness. He'd never felt less like listening to someone be kind to him.
She looked concerned, and wary, as if she was unsure what to say. "Jack? Ianto looked upset earlier, and when I went to check on him, it sounded like he was crying. I didn't want to intrude on him, you know how private he is, but I thought you could…" She trailed off, with a little shrug. Jack pulled his arm free. "Gwen, if you want to check on him, fine, but it's not my problem." Her mouth fell open, and Jack left quickly, before she could start asking questions.
He walked aimlessly along the streets, trying to clear his head. He was angry, sure, and he was hurting in a way he should be used to, but he needed to get past that. Ianto was more than his lover; he was an integral part of Jack's team. Without him, Torchwood would be down to just two members, and they might as well close up shop. For the sake of Torchwood, and thus the world, Jack knew he had to swallow his anger, walk back into the Hub, and get used to Ianto just being an employee. He knew that was what he had to do, but he wasn't sure he'd be able to.
xxXXxx
Jack came back to the Hub at half past five, and Ianto jumped at the sound of the alarms. Gwen had been gone for half an hour, after he had very nearly forced her to go, and he was just tidying up before he left. He'd been hoping to get out before having to see Jack again, but life never seemed to work like that.
He studiously avoided looking the Captain, focusing on the mug he washing. It didn't escape his attention that it was Jack's mug, of course it was, and his hands shook slightly as he wiped the sponge around the inside.
"I think it's clean, Ianto. You can rinse it now." There was a tinge of humor in Jack's voice, but mostly he sounded resigned. Ianto didn't even want to think of how sad that made him.
"I'm sorry, sir," he said, as he hurriedly rinsed the cup, and set it aside to dry. "I'm just finishing. I just need to clean the coffee machine, and then I'll be leaving."
"Take your time. And, it's still Jack. That's not a privilege you can lose, not after everything."
"No offence, sir, but it's not a privilege I want. Just makes things harder."
"And of course, we wouldn't want things to be any harder for you than necessary."
Ianto didn't miss the spiteful tone, but Jack was already disappearing into his office before he'd turned around. It was his first instinct to go after him, and he actually had to stop himself moving. It broke his heart to think of Jack in pain, and he wanted to die thinking that he'd caused it. He'd never wanted to hurt Jack, but there was no way that they could be together, without somebody getting hurt. And there was pain enough in this for both of them.
Ianto abruptly felt to tired finish cleaning, and he left Gwen's cup unwashed where it sat beside the sink. He could come in early tomorrow and clean the machine, or they could have Starbuck's. It didn't matter, so long as he got home quickly.
All he wanted was a long shower and a lot of whiskey, before falling in bed. He even considered drinking the whiskey in the shower, and the thought brought a small smile to his face. It felt out of place, almost a betrayal to himself to be smiling, and Ianto realized that the human psyche was a very strange thing indeed.
He walked slowly out of the Hub, pointedly not stopping to stare at Jack through the office glass, and made it to his car before collapsing for the second time that day. He leaned against the steering wheel and wept until his chest ached. Losing Jack as a lover was painful, but he had the terrible certainty that he'd also lost Jack as his friend. It could never be the same between them, and that's what hurt the most. He'd already lost too many friends in his life. He waited until he was sure he was cried out, and then he drove home.
xxXXxx
Jack walked around the empty Hub, marveling at how quiet it seemed. It wasn't the first time he'd been alone here, it wasn't even the first time that week, but some how the silence seemed deeper, more pronounced. He couldn't even hear the leather rustle of Myfanwy's wings, or the hum of the refrigerator. He figured it was just selective hearing, but that didn't make it better.
He felt like he was truly alone, like the universe had finally noticed how wrong he was and shut him out. Ianto would smile if he heard that, his small, sad smile, and tell him that he would never be alone, and Jack would believe it, if it were said in Ianto's voice.
The thought made his heart ache. It took him a minute to realize he was crying, soft, silent tears that had little to do with anger. Jack sat at Gwen's desk, wondering when his secretary had started to mean this much. When they'd started, It had just been a time killer, something to occupy him while he waited for the Doctor to arrive. When he'd come back (carrying memories of things that hadn't happened, but still almost drove him mad), it had been his decision to make it more, to make it something almost real, but he hadn't expected it to become this. He hadn't wanted this. He'd wanted something good and nice, not something so complicated it made his head hurt.
It's very simple. You make me laugh, and you make me proud of you, and I love you. Jack bit his lip at the memory of Ianto's words, trying not to think about the fact that that was the first and last time he would ever hear Ianto say them. Jack had vowed long ago to never give himself to another person, not after her. It hurt too much, and he couldn't go through that again. He couldn't allow another person to become his world, because watching them grow old, and get sick, and then die, was like watching the universe burn.
Oh, but it had been so long since he'd heard anybody say they loved him, anybody sane at least, and hearing it from Ianto had been painful, and wonderful and it had seemed right. And he wouldn't have given up what he'd had with her for anything in the universe.
The thought made him sit bolt upright in his chair. It was true, he'd been in love once, fully, and deeply in love, and he'd never once wished to change that, despite the pain he'd suffered. Jack had always known that, but this was the first time he'd ever realized that that meant it had been worth it. All of the pain, the sick, aching pain that had been worse than dieing, and worse than coming back, had been worth it for the eighteen years they'd had together.
Jack stood from his chair and slowly walked into his office. There was no doubt in his mind that he could love Ianto, if he let himself. Having that again, especially with Ianto, who could already make him feel something much like awe when they were alone together, that was a lovely and terrifying thought. Jack grabbed his coat and headed out of the Hub, unsure of where he'd end up.
xxXXxx
The knocking was soft but insistent, and Ianto was quickly running out of patience with ignoring it. He was almost certain that it was Gwen. She'd been worried about him before she left, and she'd called his mobile three times after he'd gotten home. He'd answered the first time, thinking something was wrong, and he'd been disgruntled to find she was just checking up on him. He hadn't told her what was wrong, though he knew she only wanted to help. He would have told Tosh, and he probably would have told Owen, but there was too much of Gwen mixed up in his decision to leave Jack for her to be a viable confidant.
The knocking continued, and as much as he liked Gwen, he couldn't help but feel she was crossing a line. It was two o'clock in the morning, and this level of concern was bordering on inappropriate. Ianto stumble-stepped to the door, preparing a heated speech in his head. He pulled the door open angrily, and let out a strangled 'gwah' sound, that made Jack smile.
"I see your trying out new things with the door. Can I come in?"
Ianto stood frozen for a moment, and then stepped back into the flat.
"Yes, of course. I'm sorry, I expected Gwen." Jack looked at his watch, raising an eyebrow.
"At this hour?"
"She was concerned when she left," Ianto said, wondering why he felt the need to explain himself, "and she's tried ringing me a few times, but I really didn't want to talk to anyone tonight. I figured she'd decided to just stop by."
"I wouldn't put it past her. She's very stubborn, especially when she's worried. I've tried talking to her about it, but there are some thing's you just can't change about people. Do you remember the time she got it in her head…"
Jack continued talking, leaning against the wall, looking for all the world like this was just a pleasant social visit. He smiled as he spoke, a real smile, with only the slightest trace of bitterness. Ianto hadn't managed to get drunk, and he hadn't managed to sleep, and the pain was still to fresh for him to be standing in sweats listening to Jack prattle on.
"Speaking of the hour, was there something you wanted, sir?"
Jack flinched at the formality. "I wanted to talk to you. And please, call me Jack, just for tonight. Just for me, okay?"
Ianto shook his head wearily. "We've nothing to talk about. We've said everything we can, and the situation is pretty clear. I love you, and you can't love me. I understand why, and I respect it, but I can't accept it. And since there are some thing's you just can't change about people, as you have so concisely pointed out, I don't see the point in beating a dead horse. I'm sorry, Jack, but I think I'm done talking for today."
He opened the door slightly, making it clear that he wanted Jack to leave. Jack placed his hand over Ianto's and gently shut it back.
"I'm not leaving, because I'm not done talking," he said. "You've done most of the talking today, if I recall, and now it's my turn. Sit down."
"You really can't order me to do things in my own home, Jack."
"Sit down, please."
Ianto thought about arguing again, but the look on Jack's face stopped him. Jack looked angry, but also nervous and a little scared. Ianto walked over to the sofa and settled on the edge. Jack sat next to him, a bit too close for Ianto's comfort, but he forced himself not to move.
They stared at each other for a moment, eyes locked and then Jack put his arm around Ianto, pulling him into a tight hug. Ianto didn't want the comfort, but it felt too nice and too needed to pull away. He felt Jack take deep breath, and then Jack said, "There was a girl, a long time ago, and I loved her, more than anything. We were married…"
Jack trailed off, and Ianto stiffened. He pulled away and looked at Jack to see if he was joking, though he very clearly wasn't.
"You were married? That's brilliant, Jack. Thanks so much for coming all this way to tell me that."
Ianto stood from the couch and headed into the bedroom to retrieve his whiskey. When he got back, Jack was still sitting on the couch, looking far more pissed off than anything else.
"Are you done acting like a child?" he said, "May I finish?"
"Why not?" Ianto said, "Clearly, I can't stop you." He perched on the arm of the sofa, trying to sit as far from Jack as possible, and took a long pull from the bottle.
"So, you've decided to just skip a glass altogether, then?"
"Yep. The kind of drinking I have planned, it's best to just cut out the middleman."
Jack rolled his eyes.
"Anyway," he said, "we were married, and I loved her more than I ever thought I could love anybody, or anything. She was absolutely everything to me. And, then she got sick, and she died."
Jack paused, and it crossed Ianto's mind to say, 'Yes, well, obviously. You're the only one who can't perform that trick' but he stopped himself just in time. There are some things you can never take back, and he wasn't sure that he wanted to cross that line just yet.
"I couldn't function," Jack continued, "for years, it felt like. I just stopped. The simplest things were like moving mountains, just staying awake took all the energy I had. I thought she was the one, the only one, and that there would never be anybody on earth that could take her place. It was like my heart had been cut out, and I honestly never thought I'd get it back. You… must know what that's like."
Jack had been staring at his hands, but he looked up now and met Ianto's eyes. Ianto just nodded, lost for words. He knew there was nothing he could say, and he wondered where this was headed. He wondered why Jack had never told him this before.
"That was so long ago, and it still hurts, and I promised myself that I would never go through something like that again. But, now… I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose what we have, because it's good, and I want to love you. I want hear you tell me you love me, everyday, and I want to say it back. I want to feel that again, Ianto. Let me try."
Ianto bit his lips, and stared fixedly into his bottle, trying his damnedest not to cry. It had been too long a day, and he'd had just a bit too much whiskey, and this wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for Jack to come here and put this on him, to promise him so little and expect everything to be all right. It wasn't fair that part of him was screaming that it was good enough, that it was better than nothing. It just simply was not fair.
Ianto set the bottle aside, and took a shaky breath before meeting Jack's eyes.
"I don't want to push you to be something you're not," he said, "and I don't want to push our relationship, either. That just won't end well, Jack. You want to try, and that's lovely, but I cannot waste anymore of my time waiting for you to decide if you can love me. I can't put myself through that anymore. You either do or you don't. For God's sake, Jack." Ianto shook his head, and stood from the sofa. Jack reached out and grabbed his arm.
"I do." Jack said, "I love you. I… I can't even imagine my life without you in it anymore, and that terrifies me, Ianto. You can never know how much that scares me, and what that means. I thought if I ignored it, it would go away, but it just made things worse. It just made me lose you before I had to. Look, Ianto, you said you want to give me your life, and I want to take it. Okay? I'm sorry; I'm not good at these things. It's been a lot of years."
Jack smiled, and Ianto felt the dam break. He sank down beside Jack limply, and made a sound somewhere between laughing and crying. He felt Jack's hand on his back, and he leaned into the touch, trying to get himself under control.
"Ianto? Are you okay? Look, I don't know what I said, but I'm sorry."
Jack's voice was laced with concern, and Ianto pulled himself together as well as he could.
"No," he said, "It's just been a really weird kind of day. Are you sure Jack? That you aren't just saying that?"
"I would never just tell you what you want to hear, you know that. It isn't my way."
Ianto nodded, trying to make sense of things that were coming at him far too quickly.
"So, um, we're… You and I…"
"Yeah," Jack said, smiling a bit, "If you want. I mean, I don't know if you want to see other people…"
Ianto hit him in the arm, laughing. "That isn't funny."
Jack smiled wider, and put his arms around him." It was, a little."
Ianto scoffed, closing his eyes and nestling himself against Jack's shoulder.
"I really do love you, Jack. With all my heart."
"I love you too," Jack said, simply.
They sat in silence for a long moment, and then Jack said, "Ianto? This doesn't mean I have to stop flirting does it? I mean it doesn't really mean any thing, and I don't even think I can help it, it's just part of my natural charm-"
Ianto put his hand over Jack's mouth, and raised his eyebrows.
"Just shut up," he said, "you're ruining it, alright?"
Jack nodded, and Ianto removed his hand with an exasperated sigh.
There were definitely going to be problems with this, he could see that already. All in all though, he thought as looked up into Jack's eyes, they were definitely going to be worth it.