Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach – I only own this weird little plot. Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite.
A/N: This was a totally random piece of AU crack that I came up with for my friend Ginny on LJ. Apache, in case you don't know, is a fraccion arrancar in the current arc of Bleach.
Yes – the Yagami-san mentioned here is a reference to Death Note . Please R&R, lots more stories to come soon.
Lunch hour was interrupted when the door to the police station blasted open and Officer Yagami looked up, stunned, as a broad blue-haired man in a blue dress shirt, black pants and a pair of glasses stormed in tugging a young woman by her short black hair.
The man's sharp blue eyes shot around the station, looking for someone to rant to judging by the angry colour on his face. The woman tried to wriggle out of his grasp, her jean hipsters hanging dangerously low and her petit breasts close to spilling out of her top. Irritated eyes glared up at the man and she slapped at him.
Yagami-san prayed he hadn't been noticed, but he couldn't pull his eyes away from the scene. And since everyone else had ducked down and hidden their own eyes, it was Yagami-san's gaze the blue-haired man met and it was Yagami-san he charged towards, dragging the woman behind him.
"This bitch – " The man growled, pushing his glasses up his nose and pointing at her, " – raped me."
Yagami-san was astounded. He'd never had someone come up to him and so bold-facedly admit to having been raped – especially not without tears and nervous breakdowns. This man, in fact, declared his victimisation with all the casualness of accusing the young woman of having eaten his last Rolo.
Yagami-san looked at the young woman. She looked irritated for sure, but hardly capable of rape. She gave the policeman an exasperated look and tried to wrestle her black strands once more from the blue-haired man's grasp. He simply tightened it and yanked, making her stumble against him.
"Asshole!" She snapped.
"Sir, please, let go of the lady..." He sweat-dropped as the man let go of her, put his palm in her face and shoved – sending her toppling back into an officer trying to sneak away with a box of pink glazed doughnuts.
"Raped you?" She snorted disbelievingly, standing straight and dusting herself off. "Thanks," she said to the cop who'd broken her fall. She turned back to the blue-haired man. "Yeah, fucking right. You mean to say that part way through, when you flung me onto the desk you were marking papers on and practically split it in half with your eagerness that I was raping you? More like the other way around, asshole."
Officers had gathered around now, looking between the pair with interest.
Yagami-san blinked. "...marking papers?" He looked at the blue-haired man, whose glasses were steaming up with anger as he all but charged at the young woman. "Sir..."
"Me rape you? Don't flatter yourself you horny little fucker. You were moaning like a politician on payday. And did I ask you to grab my fucking nuts? No." He tore off his glasses and wiped them on his shirt before jamming them back on. "Did I ask you to hop on and have a spin? No."
"BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME NOT TO!" She yelled. "And puh-lease, Jaggerjack-sensei, it's not like you weren't giving hints. And have you conveniently forgotten the time you put your hand up my skirt?!"
One of the officers looked at the blue-haired man with admiration.
"Sensei?" Yagami-san looked between the two. Student-teacher relationship? Well, even if they couldn't decide on who raped who, he could at least arrest someone over that.
"Tch, get real Apache. I wouldn't willingly fuck you if you were the last woman on the planet and you were covered in chocolate sprinkles!"
"You just did, you moron!"
"I was RAPED, godammit – "
"You were FUCKED, you poxy – "
"YOU WISH! I fucked you, you overbearing slu – "
"Wait." She held up her hands, and all the officers caught their breath in anticipation. "So you agree that you fucked me?"
The blue-haired man blinked behind his glasses. "What?"
"You just said that you – " She pointed at him for emphasis " – fucked me."
He narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, that's right. So fucking what?"
"Then it wasn't rape," she said slowly, as though describing it to a child. "Unless you raped me."
He panicked suddenly, like he'd just realised he was in a police station. "It was consented rape. Don't deny it."
Yagami-san blinked. "Con...sented rape?"
She stared at the blue-haired man. "It was good."
"The fucking best."
"I had a good time."
"You yelled like a whore."
"I wouldn't mind going again..."
"How does now sound?"
"Pretty damn good," she nodded.
The blue-haired man grabbed her by the hair again and steered her towards the door of the police station. She growled and started slapping at him again as he pushed the doors open and lead them both away.
All of the officers stared at Yagami-san.
Yagami-san sat down and tried to force himself to forget what he had just seen.