Because no matter how hard she tried to kill herself several times, life still always seemed to seep back in.
Azula plastered a weak smile on her face, someone was finally taking her away from the orphanage. She slowly got out of her bed and scanned her eyes inside the room. The blood stains were still there, the memories when she had breakdowns, times when she just wanted to die were still fresh as ever. She closed her eyes shut tightly, bit her lip, and let a tear slip from the corner of her eye. She quickly reached for the door knob and took one last stroll inside the orphanage, where she's spent almost two years after being declared mentally stable by the institution.
Her recovery was quick and but the relapses still keep coming back. Although she tried so hard to brush it off, unlike before, it became very hard for her to control herself nowadays. By this time, she was already at the age of seventeen, and she's been missing out a lot on what's outside the old and ragged orphanage.
Then she passed by the open space, nothing much has changed. The kids were still playing, mostly on the grass then some on the pavements while the facilitators kept an eye on them under the shed. After that, she walked through the empty halls. Two years she had spent sweeping floors, scrubbing bathrooms tiles, changing sheets, washing clothes and looking after the kids at the orphanage who were a lot more younger than she was. Those things were the very most unlikely things that Azula would do, but she knew that she had to. She was strongly hesitant at first, but she decided to do it to divert herself away from all the hallucinations, from all the things that kept bugging her. Maybe because she wanted to change, but still, it wasn't that easy if her terrible past kept haunting the young orphan in her sleep.
It wasn't Zuko's intention to put her all through that. Though he didn't completely want it to happen, it was the court's decision, and the Fire Lord doesn't have an authority over that. He apologized to her before she was sent away but she shrugged it off because she was so mad at him for letting it happen.
"So you're just throwing me away like this?!"
"No... Azula I-"
"You ruined my life already Zuko! I can't believe that you're making things even more miserable for me!" She yelled to the point where tears were already streaming down from her face. She tried to refrain herself but it only made things worse. At that moment it was already hard for her to breathe, and so she turned herself away from Zuko.
Zuko felt so guilty about her situation, but he knew it was too late and that he couldn't do anything. He hugged her tight. "I promise I'll get you back after I work things out."
She pushed him away. "No! Don't you dare touch me! You simply don't care! No one did! You should've just killed me off, that's how it's supposed to be! But I guess you always wanted to see me suffer...!"
"I wanted to protect you! From all the threats you're receiving... From all the hate! It's the best thing I could do... Azula, from now on, I'm giving you a chance to start over. You'll have new family, a new identity. If it's good for you, never come back. Forget who I am, forget your past, but I love you and I want what's best for you... Please understand that..."
But Zuko wouldn't know everything that's been happening to her inside that orphanage.
And then she landed her foot in front of the storage room where she locked herself up two weeks from when she was admitted inside the orphanage. The hallucinations were still haunting her then.
Azula wanted to die, she really did. Then a day after her attempt in the storage room, she planned to jump out of the rooftop. But then after a few while, she slowly climbed off the railing and let the tears fall down because she knew that she couldn't.
She was afraid, too afraid to die out even when things get rough for her to handle. Azula went from heartless and feared upon to suicidal, fragile and pitied down on.
Many instances she had tried to kill herself, even way back in the mental institution. She had cuts that bled eventually, she tried to overdose herself with pills and she tried to drown herself. But somehow, after all that, life still seemed to seep back in. So she learned to accept it and live with it.
From this day and on, she feels a slight tinge of hope. She not going to take things for granted anymore. She wished that from this moment and forward, she would experience to have at least one person who would always care and truly look out for her. A loving mother and a loving father who would treat her the way it's supposed to.
So she packed her things and groomed herself minutes before the departure. She could finally tie her hair up perfectly with ease. She also wore the best outfit that she could, which is a decent white blouse and a long navy blue skirt. Then she slipped onto her casual footwear and proceeded to head out of her room.
The place really looked the same as ever, but the scenery outside the four walls that once held her made the orphan accumulate a feeling that she hadn't felt in years. Freedom.
"Hello, Miss Noriko." Azula greeted her foster mother.
She still did doubt herself. "Why did you choose me? Didn't they tell you who I was? I've killed people... I'm still crazy... I might even hurt you..." Those questions she wanted to ask behind that warm smile of hers. Although she didn't have the courage to do so, she promised herself not to mess things up once more.