Title: The Harry Potter Boys discover SLASH

Author: Shi

Rating: PG-13 (I think ^^;) turning slowly into an R

WARNINGS: SLASH hints (mwahahaha, I get to be eeeeeeeeevil), teenage boys acting on hormones (possibly). If you don't like SLASH, do you really have to be a genius to know NOT TO READ?  Just wondering, but if I get any reviews saying "This made me sick" I'll know who wasn't a genius, right. =P

Disclaimer: All J.K. Rowling's marvellous characters are © of her.

A/N: I honestly have no idea what inspired me to write this. O.O Maybe it's the fact that I just wanted to pair Harry up in a SLASH coupling XD And I don't know if its been done before either.  So…just read and review (flame) to your hearts content ^^ Ja!

----

Harry Potter hopped impatiently from foot to foot, standing in one of Hogwarts more…secluded corridors.  It wound off away into the darkness, so you couldn't see anything about five feet away from where you stood.

Harry, as well as Ron, was waiting outside a room. Dumbledore was in front of the room of the door, holding a big shiny key.

Harry had a vague sense of worry forming in the pit of his stomach. Ron was whistling "YMCA", but he only knew the chorus, so it was repetitive.

Seamus, Dean, Percy, and Justin were also standing in the corridor. All of them wore various looks of curiosity on their face.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.

"I feel pretty! Oh so, pretty! I feel pretty and witty and…duh, whats the last word?"

A blonde haired boy rounded the corner, glaring behind him. "Goyle, you really are an idiot you know?"

Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy joined the small group outside the door; Draco's jaw dropping to the ground when he saw whom else was there.

"What the ho?"

Dumbledore quickly addressed them with a smile, and waved the key around, "Welcome. You may be wondering what your doing here."

"Actually, I was wondering if we'd get chicken," Ron said, pausing from his whistling, "I'm awfully hungry." He went back to whistling, an eyebrow raised expectantly.

Dumbledore chuckled, "Well, you'll have to ask our author when the experiment begins…our fanfic author." His expression changed into an evil grin, one that could rival Voldemort.

Harry eeped and hid behind Ron.

"Whats an author?" The red head asked.

"Anyway, the fic author specifically requested you to be here, apart from Percy, she just couldn't think of another person to come along."

"Hey!" Percy spluttered.

"Soooo," Dumbledore chimed, "You're all going to be locked in this sound proof, super duper intelligent room for a whole night, so the author can monitor you and calculate a bunch of stuff. You're allowed to do whatever you want."

"Can I not go in there?" Seamus asked.

Dumbledore grinned widely, "Of course not. The fanfic authors of this world bear evil powers, I don't fancy a Mary Sue at my school, thank you. Now, hurry along."

The boys looked at each other confused-"Mary Sue?"- and after a lot of struggling from certain members' aka Draco- "I will not spend the night in a room with Potty and Weasel!"- Dumbledore eventually managed to get all the boys in there. With an ominous click of the lock, their fate was sealed.

**

The boys found themselves in darkness. Harry clung to Ron afraid.

"Is this where the chicken is?" Ron said, his eyes adjusting to the darkness as he looked around, following his nose.

"Weasley, you prick, shut the hell up! It's going to be bad enough stuck in here with…Gryffindors and a Hufflepuff! Without you be an idiot."

"I don't smell chicken…"

Bright strip lights light up one by one, running across the room. Everyone winced.

"Hiya!" boomed a chirpy voice, "Welcome to the realm of SLASH! I'm your host Shi, and I'm here to monitor your progress in discovering SLASH! Please keep your arms and legs, and any other bodily attachments you'd like to keep, inside the room. The doors and windows are all protected with special author charms."

Draco stopped attacking the locked window and dropped back down to the floor, pouting.

The room was painted a bright blue (for productiveness, and the author likes the colour), and had several beds scattered around it (not enough for one each, mind you…but…anyway…), each with drapes hanging around them. The room was positively huge.

"What are we doing here?" Dean asked.

"Whats SLASH?" Justin said, a troubled look on his face, "if it's anything naughty, my mum will be so mad."

"Whats a Mary Sue?"

"Oh, foo you, don't you ever read fics? Pfft, all will be explained…now," the voice had lost all chirpiness, and was now dark and sinister like. All the boys shuddered. "You are here as an experiment. We want to see how you react to finding out about SLASH. Lets just say…the author was bored and on some medication or other and decided she wanted to be an evil fan girl and torture you. Here are some fanfic dictionaries-" a heard of books rained down on them, one thumped Crabbe in the back on the head, causing his to blink- "so you can find out what SLASH and Mary Sues are….although you may not want to know. Now this, in a stereotype fic, would be the point where a computer appears and you have to be forced to MST numerous SLASH fics, but because I'm lazy and wanted to at least try and be original, I'm just going to leave you be and interfere every now and then. Ja!"

An invisible force quickly glomped Draco before there was a hiss and a squeee noise, and the PA system went off.

"Heeeeey! Where's my chicken?!" Ron wailed, waving a fist at the ceiling.

A plot hole opened up somewhere, and a chicken fell on Ron's head, knocking the boy out for all but five seconds.

Everyone stood around doing…not much.  Crabbe and Goyle played thumb wars, Seamus and Dean argued about football, Percy flicked through the fic dictionary, Ron ate his chicken noisily, Harry and Draco were trying to get out of the room.

The author got impatient, and clicked her PA system on again, "OIIIIII!" she screamed, causing the mic to hiss. "Do something…interesting…honestly…what do you want? Dancing poodles?"

"It would be nice," said Justin.

With a sigh, the PA system went off again.

The dictionaries hopped into hands and laps, and fell open at various pages. Justin's one did a little dance because there weren't any poodles available.

Percy studied the dictionary for a moment, blinking at the words and lines scrawled in it. He looked at the cover "The dictionary; for authors by authors."

"Is this for real?" Harry spluttered, looking up the definition of Mary Sue's. Ron read over his shoulder, chewing loudly on his chicken, getting little flecks of it on Harry's green sweater, reading the description out to the others.

"'A Mary Shue *chew* ish an allllll round purfecht pershon *chew chew*. Usuahhly a feeemale-" Harry began to pick the bits of chicken out of his hair- "*chew* she ish better than anyone in the whosle wide world. At everything. Everyone alsho falls in love with her. Shessse an evil devil creashion."

Ron finished chewing and continued reading; "Famous Mary Sue's have been known to be better at Quidditch than Harry Potter,-" collective gasps from the group, Draco just sniggered ("Beaten by a girl!"

"Hush it Malfoy! I'm better than you so she must be bloody amazing and walk all over you on the Quidditch field!")- "A card captor better than Sakura, an archer better than Legolas or a green Jedi master better than Yoda. Male alternatives are known as Gary Stus'. Hmm interesting;" he took another bite out of his chicken.

Everyone was sweatdropping anime style.

"Well, we know why Dumbledore forced us into this."             

"Whats a card captor? Or a Legolas? Whats…'Je-di'? Or Yoda? Whats green?" Ron was walking around pondering.

Ignoring Ron, Harry flicked through to find out what SLASH was, but Draco beat him to it.

"Hmm, lets see what we're here to find out about," he said, sneering over the top of the book at them.

Harry looked around and wondered vaguely where Crabbe and Goyle had gone, Malfoy looked pathetic without them. They were still playing thumb wars.

By now the blonde was convulsing on the floor, after reading what SLASH was.

"Oh, come off it, it can't be that bad!" Percy said sceptically, flicking quickly to the section dedicated to S. A few minutes later, Percy dropped to the floor unconscious. Justin's dancing book flew out of his hand and did the can-can on Percy's back.

Dean stooped down to pick up the book, and began to share with the others what SLASH is.

"'SLASH, by definition of the dictionary for fanfic authors, is any relationship of the same sex--'" He paused, eye twitching, "'be it boy/boy or girl/girl, or even dog/dog, be creative! SLASH is well established in fandom, using likely possibilities of couples or totally unpredictable ones. It is also known as Yaoi, Shounen-ai, shoujo-ai or Yuri. It causes numerous wars between authors. You may use the list on the next page to write some examples of SLASH couplings.'"

Everyone seat dropped, and looked dazed.

"I'd rather have a Mary Sue in the school than find out why we're here to find out about this…" Harry gulped.

"Actually, it makes me wonder why we're here to discover it." Ron said, sounding like a perfect Hermione.

"Arrrrrrrrrgh!" everyone backed away from him, Draco shifting away still sitting on his butt. Crabbe and Goyle didn't move from the bed where they were still playing thumb wars.

Harry hesitated, "Well, we know what SLASH is now, so can't we get out of here?" he asked the ceiling. "Ron stop looking at me like that…Ron…what are you…Ron!"

Ron had apparently finished his chicken and now he thought Harry was chicken, or something of the like, because he had pounced on the Boy Who Lived and was now nibbling on his ear. Harry, unable to take the strain, fell to the floor. Both boys landed in a heap of limbs and body parts, and Ron proceeded to lick Harry's nose.

"Ron…smur! Ron!"

Ron started chewing on Harry's other earlobe, while his hands worked up the boys shirt and---

"Ron! GET OFF ME!"

Ron scrambled back, "Sorry, Harry, don't know what came over me. Must have been the chicken."

Dean and Seamus blinked. Percy twitched on the floor, still unconscious, still with the book can canning on his back. Draco tried to hold back laughter. Harry and Ron looked baffled. Justin sobbed.

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" He moaned.

There was a high pitched whistling sound, and the PA system crackled into hearing. "Hello again, I have to take the dictionaries back now. Mayumi needs to borrow them for her het fic…stupid Mayu! Anyway, interesting bit of psychology there, but we can't end up with a Harry x Ron pairing! Its unheard of, tsk tsk (insert evil grin here), but I'll let you be. Food'll be served in an hour!"

"Can we have chicken?" Ron asked, "I liked that chicken, I like it lots." He shot Harry a lusty look.  Harry eeped and hid under one of the beds.

"Sure, have chicken, we'll have chicken potato chips, chicken salsa, chicken soup, chicken galore! Also, theres a wide variety of vegetarian dishes. Ja minna!"

"YAY! Chicken!" Ron bounced and crawled over to the bed where Harry was hiding, or cowering, and lay down, propped on his elbows, staring dreamily at Harry. "I think I love you…" he said, sticking out his bottom lip in a cute pouty face.

Harry backed up and away, hitting his head on the bed. "Get it away! Get it away!" He hid behind Dean and Seamus, who were standing VERY close to each other.

Justin was trying to reach for his dancing dictionary, which had left behind because he had wanted dancing poodles.

"Potter, you wimp, just punch Weasley in future," Draco stood up and walked over to Ron, who was still trying to stare dreamily at Harry. Draco made to punch him; "Get a hold of yourself Weasley!"

"You do it for me!" Ron cried and jumped into Draco's arms, glomping him.

"What the---" Draco fell backwards, and Ron continued to molest him.

"Now that is just sick," Seamus said, in his lovely Irish voice.

Dean and Harry nodded in agreement. Justin went skidding around the room clutching onto his book, which was doing the Macarena.

Ron was working on getting Draco's trousers off. "Now be a good boy and hold still."

"MUM-MYYYYYYYYYY!" The blonde wailed, trying to get free.

"I'd rather not bring your mother into it." Ron said, trying to undo Draco's belt buckle.

Suddenly Ron stopped, and looked at what he was doing. "Oh, GOD! Ewww, ewwww," he started flicking at his hands and bashing his head, "unclean, unclean! What the hell came over me? Unclean, unclean!"

Draco, looking slightly miffed and scared, got up and tried to get himself back into order, "Weasley, if you EVER EVER tell me to get a hold of you again, I'll hex every bit of your reproductive system and a bit more off!"

Ron winced, and Draco stalked off.

"I think I'm gonna go…be sick now," Ron walked away and lay down on a bed, curled up, shivering.

Harry approached his friend cautiously, "Are you okay Ron?"

"Unclean, unclean…"

Harry leant over Ron, and saw a demonic smile form on his friends face.

"Your mine Harry Potter," with reflexes from nowhere, Ron quickly pinned Harry onto the bed, and started hailing him with kisses.

"Nyuur, oh don't put your foot there Harry, we'll need it later."

Harry was trying to fight Ron off, but he had gotten amazingly strong, and Harry was growing tired, so he just gave up, and winced as he felt Ron's hands somewhere where…they never should of ventured.

Harry yelped in surprise. "Ron what the HeLL are you doi--ooooo," Harry smiled despite himself, his voice going a bit funny.

"Geez, get a room!" Draco called.

"Shouldn't be watching should you, Malfoy." Came Dean's voice.

"My mummy is going to be so mad when she hears about this," Justin whimpered.

Ron suddenly froze, and leapt back. "Oh, god Harry, I'm so sorry!"

"Nurm, don't sto--"

Ron hid behind Goyle, whimpering.

"Wha--? Ron?! Ohhhh," Harry turned red.

"Well, now the porn's over, can we have our food?" Draco sneered.

Ron clung onto Goyle's head, trying to hide. "I'm sorry," he said rocking backwards and forwards. Goyle didn't appear to notice his new limpet.

Harry blinked, and mumbled to himself; "Just when it was getting good, he stops!"

The PA system whirred back into gear, "Okay, okay *giggle* thanks for the peep show Ron! We gotta have more of that tonight got that? *Chew* Ummm, pancakes. Okay, we have food for you, just let me get the chef…we have chicken for Ron, especially, and lots of other stuff, enjoy!"

Ron stopped rocking back and forth and ran to receive his chicken.

Except he didn't know where the food came from so he was running around the room for a while.

Harry walked over to rejoin the group, zipping his flies as he went along, looking a little flustered.

Seamus leaned over to him; "That must have been bloody embarrassing mate!"

"Yeah…but it was kinda goo--erm, at least he has it out of his system now."

"Uh-huh," Seamus gave him an odd look.

With a loud pop noise a dining table and chairs, complete with food appeared in the room, and all the boys rushed to eat, everyone avoiding Ron's skilful hands. Although Harry kept edging towards him.

They finished the whole load in five metaphorical seconds flat.

"YAY! Did you enjoy that?" Shi asked as the crawled away from the table, all highly satiated.  Dull nods.

"GREAT! Now, this would be a bad time to tell you that the food was drugged with SLASH drugs™! You are now no longer responsible for who you screw, glomp, grope, kiss or do anything too. You will all experience lust to each and every member of this room, although…the end will reveal your true 'love' and you'll attack them. In case your wondering, I'm rooting for a few pairings. Good luck and good-bye! Ja!"

The table disappeared with a pop, and there was a deathly silence.

Then everyone (bar Crabbe and Goyle cuz they hadn't been listening) started screaming.

"Oh, GOD! Weasley's gonna grope me again!"

"MY mummy will have a fit!"

"This is sick!"

"Hmm, Ron will be able to finish what he started."

Ron just ran around screaming; "I knew chicken was evil, but its so nummy!" He yelled at the only remaining chicken drumstick, taking bits every other word, "Why *chew* are you *chew* such  *chew* a nummy *chew* treat?! *chew*"

"SHUT UP!" Seamus roared. And everyone did.

"Does anyone feel…horny?"

"What do you mean Finnigan?"

"I mean like you wanna pounce on the first bit of good looking meat you see?" Seamus said, staring at Draco hungrily.

Draco blinked, and stepped back.

Everything was silent, a pair of drapes being drawn shut and some gruff giggling broke the silver silence.

Seamus leapt forward on to Draco, sending them careening into a wall.

"Get undressed for me, you sexy male, you!"

Draco eeped, and against his better judgement started ripping his shirt off. "Off, god, Finnigan, your so bloody hot!"

They attacked each other's lips.

"Good that is just sick," Dean said jealously. Personally, he wanted a bit of Seamus himself, and now Draco was all over him. What a Slut.

Hands danced around his hips and he saw Ron lowering his head to attack his neck. "I want you Dean!" Ron pulled the West Ham supporter over to a near by bed.

Harry fumed! How could Ron? Ron was his! Grrr.

Harry saw Justin trying to hide behind the dancing book, his hands clamped over his ears.

"Oooo, Finch-Fletchly," Harry cooed, beckoning the boy over with his fingers, stepping over Percy's unconscious form to gain space.

"No, Harry, stay away from me! I'm immune to the SLASH drugs, and I'm armed with a book, stay away from me!"

Harry pouted cutely, "Not even just wone wittle kiss for the Boy Who Lived?" He pulled the cutest hurt look he could.

"Well if you---NO! Its bad and naughty, go away!" He held his book defensively.

"Fine!" Harry whined and went to one of the beds left over to pout and look adorably lost.

"Finigan get off me you little perv! And get your hands OUT of my trousers."

"Oh, eww, why did I go for Malfoy? Ewww, ew!" Spitting noises and Harry saw Seamus hopping away from Draco.

"Urm, Ron I like you an' all, but please stop doing that."

"Oh, sorry Dean, don't know what came over me again."

"Maybe its the chicken."

Everyone was calming down from the SLASH drugs effects, and was re-grouping with dazed looks on their faces.

Malfoy stood in the corner whimpering about his ripped shirt.

"I don't like this one bit," Seamus moaned, "I'll never get the taste of Malfoy out of my mouth.  It is horrible. I can't believe I licked his tonsils."

"I'll never be able to look at Ron the same way again. Where did you learn to do that?!"

Ron blushed, "With Hermione…"

Wolf whistles rang round the group. Harry was still pouting. How comes he didn't get any action? Suddenly, unable to control himself, he pounced on Seamus. Seamus put up no resistance.

Justin, as the drugs finally worked through his system, pounced on Dean, attacking his lips. "You taste purdy…hehehe."

Ron blinked, bewildered, and moved away from the congregation's bed.

"Damn, no action for the Ronster."

"Ohh, I think we can see to that…" Draco said coyly.

"No, Malfoy, I am not sticking my tongue in your gob again!"

"I'll just stick mine in yours then."

"Wha--ARGH!"

***

Up in author head quarters, home of every fanfic author in the world, Shi sat taking notes.

"Damn, they're not pairing."

"The drug could be faulty."

"Heheheeeee, remember---oww!"

"Sort it out. You know you mission."

"I was only gonna say 'Remember the testing?' You miserable old git." Shi chewed on her pen. "Ahahhahahaha!"

She quickly scribbled down the notes and turned to face the person writing this.

"Oi, you, bugger off, get back to the interesting bits."

Yes, ma'am.

***

After another onslaught of furious hormones, the boys were exhausted. Harry was rather glad he hadn't attacked Crabbe or Goyle yet. I wonder what it would be like kissing them…he wondered.

He was sprawled out on the floor. Justin was having a severe nosebleed over at one of the beds, Dean and Seamus had disappeared behind some drapes, and Malfoy was trying to hex Ron like he had promised, only the hexes didn't work.

"Bloody super intelligent room."

"This is just evil." Ron moaned, collapsing next to Harry.

"Yeah, well…oh…oh…horniness strikes again." Harry sat up and Ron backed away.

"No, I don't want you Ron, I want…"

"MALFOY?!"

"Harrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Honey, baby buckaroo!" Draco squealed and glomped Harry, "C'mon off to bed with you," he said grabbing Harry by the collar and dragging him away.

"Nighty night Ron!"

Drapes were flung shut.

Justin and Ron were the only ones 'conscious'.

"What the hell just happened?"

"I don't know," Justin sobbed, trying to stop the blood flow.

"Well, we'll just have to be sensible and wait for the drugs to wear off."

Justin looked at Ron coyly; "Do you REALLY want to do that?"

"Well, no, not really."

"Come here then, you man, you. I want to see those assets Malfoy wanted to hex off so badly."

Ron grinned, and leapt on one of the last two spare beds. Justin danced seductively over.

And everyone but Percy had fun that night. Honest.  Even Crabbe and Goyle.

***

Dumbledore swung the door open, expecting to see nine very miserable boys.

He blinked as Harry and Draco ran up to him holding hands.

"Thankies Santa! We're going to play with out new toys now!"

They ran off in the direction of the prefect's bathroom.

Dean and Seamus grinned too, and shook Dumbledore's hand in turn, and ran off skipping and giggling.

"I love you."

"No, I love you more."

"I love you the size of this castle!"

"I love you the size of England!"

"I love you…"

Their voices drifted out of hearing.

Ron and Justin looked warped and tired. Justin clung to his dancing book protectively.

"Is it right for inter house love, Ronster?"

"I'm not sure Justin-poo."

Dumbledore blinked; had his students been brainwashed?

Crabbe and Goyle were last to walk out of the room, the loved up glances they were sending at each other would've made anyone sick.

"Where's Percy?"

Someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"I told you to give me an even number of students. He was carted off to improve the SLASH drug. Anyway, as promised, here's your anti-Mary Sue card, your school and any fics to do with it are now immune to Mary Sue's for at least two to five years. Thanks for taking part in SLASH co's experiment!" Shi saluted, "JA, Dumbleydore!" She vanished.

And we end the story with Percy finally coming too.

"What happened?"

***

A/N: Okay, I know it's not great, but please be kind and review, even if it is just to flame!

Anyway, if you did like it, yay! If you want a sequel, lemme know ^.~

Oh, and sorry for the self insert.

~Shi