Title: Solace
Series: Gundam Wing
Author: ConfessYourSins
Rating: R
Main Characters: Duo, Heero
Other Characters: Trowa, Quatre
Warnings: Angst, drugs, language, death, yaoi
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. I do not own Nine Inch Nails. I do thank them for this song though.
Song: Everyday is Exactly the Same
Artist: Nine Inch Nails
Solace
Duo sat at the glass table, his eyes focused on one thing: the small baggie filled with chunks of a powdery white substance. He wondered if Heero would find out, then he wondered if Heero cared. No, of course not. To hell with Heero.
"Fuck you," he mumbled as he opened the baggie and dumped the contents onto the table. He pulled a box cutter out of his pocket and took out the blade, a crazed look in his eyes. He was angry, no, he was furious - Heero would never change. Heero would never give a damn, and Duo knew that. He just hadn't figured out how to accept it.
Within a matter of minutes he had crushed the rocks into a fine white powder. A smile graced his angelically demonic face as he made the lines. One... two... three... four...
... seven...
... eight...
... nine...
Duo felt accomplished. It was more than he needed; that was the whole point. "Fuck you fuck you fuck you," he hissed as he reached into his back pocket. Out came the wallet and a five dollar bill. "Oh fuck you in your asshole." He rolled it up tightly and leaned over the table. "Fuck me," he whispered as he snorted the first line.
Duo felt the rush to his brain and shivered. He loved it. He wanted more. If he couldn't have Heero, fine. He would just have to find a way to deal with it. Another line up the nose. Another chill, another rush. Duo could handle himself. He had done it plenty of times.
But not alone.
And not depressed.
He had a death wish.
I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again, that might have been a dream
Images of Heero flashed into Duo's mind and his eyes darkened. A bittersweet grin fought its way onto his face as he felt the pain return in his chest. Everything he thought mattered didn't, it was all a lie.
"A lie a day, Mr. Yuy." He rolled his eyes and snorted another line. He was beginning to feel the drugs in a way he hadn't felt in a long time. "You made me think... oh fuck it. I don't care what you made me think. It's not like it was real to begin with. A fucking joke... I'm just a fucking joke."
Four lines down. Five lines down. Six lines down.
He was headed toward an overdose, and he didn't care. He wanted it, he wanted the rush and the fear and the hate and the love all at once. He wanted to tear apart everything inside his body and give it to Heero in a gift-wrapped box that said 'Happy birthday, enjoy eating my fucking heart.'
Seven lines.
Eight lines. Duo was staring to feel paranoid. He dropped the rolled up dollar and stood up to make his way into the kitchen. Quatre would be back soon, time to clean up the mess.
Wait, scratch that. Nine lines. All gone. Duo stuck his finger into the powdery bag and wiggled it around, putting the last bit of cocaine into his mouth. He felt his tongue begin to go numb and giggled to himself.
"Alrighty... damage control."
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around, oh no
Duo cleaned the table as best he could, but there were still little marks from the box cutter on the glass. "Maybe he won't notice?" Duo suggested to himself out loud. He laughed and felt his heart racing. He wanted to do something, anything, as long as he was moving. And as long as Heero wasn't there.
He heard footsteps approaching the house and hoped with all his might Heero wasn't with them, them being Quatre and Trowa. Wufei was out on a mission thankfully, but that didn't mean that life was peachy. Quatre had become more strict since the fallout, trying to keep things peaceful and civil.
Yeah, right.
Duo shoved the baggie in his pocket, not wanting to put evidence in the trashcan. Heero or Trowa would find it and then he would have to explain. No one else ever brought drugs into the house, at least not that he knew. They were probably better at hiding them, at least that was what Duo's paranoid mind believed.
Duo sat down on the couch and smirked. He had cleaned up well. They wouldn't know.
"Duo?" Quatre asked as he walked inside. "Why are all the lights out?"
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
Heero walked in behind Quatre and stared at Duo. "You fucking did it, didn't you?"
"Did what?" Duo asked nonchalantly.
"You fucking snorted coke, baka!" Heero shouted. "What is wrong with you? We have missions and you're doing drugs? What the fuck is your problem?!"
Quatre grabbed Heero's arm and shushed him. "Heero, chill."
Duo smirked and stuck his tongue out at the angry pilot. "Yeah, chill Hee-man. I'll do what I want when I want, so fuck off."
Quatre switched his attention to Duo and he hissed, "Shut your mouth, Duo. You don't have any room to talk."
A small pout made its way onto Duo's face. "Hey, that's not very nice."
"Duo, what do you think you're doing?" Heero asked more calmly, taking a step toward the braided pilot as Quatre let go of his arm. His eyes were worried, but Duo ignored the pain and confusion he could see in Heero's eyes.
"I am having fun."
"Well you're being a fucking idiot."
Duo punched Heero in the face, but Heero brought the other boy down with him. It was a one-sided battle with Heero playing the fallen warrior. Quatre tried to interject but Heero shouted at him to stay away. Duo punched Heero as hard as he could in the face, chest, stomach, and anywhere else he had access to. Heero didn't even try and block.
I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
It only took a few minutes for Duo to exhaust himself and he nearly collapsed on top of Heero's body, hands resting on the carpet on either side of Heero's face. Duo closed his eyes and felt the rush leaving his body, common sense slowly creeping back in, but not without his anger.
He opened his eyes and found Heero watching him closely, his eyes wide and his face bruised and beaten. Duo didn't feel bad; he didn't care at all. 'Fuck you Heero' kept running itself over and over in his mind.
"Do you feel better?" Heero whispered to Duo, their eyes locked.
Duo slapped Heero hard across the face. "No I fucking don't."
"Why are you doing this?" he asked quietly. "What did I do that is so wrong that you need to beat the shit out of me?"
Duo felt the pain in his heart again. "... You made me love you."
I can't remember how this got started
Oh, but I can tell you exactly how it will end
Duo stood over the bathroom sink and stared at his face in the mirror. He was sick of it, he was sick of everything. He hated his face, he hated Heero's face, he hated everything he saw in the mirror, bathroom included. He smashed his fist into it and glass fell everywhere. He saw it all in slow motion, like it was a dream and the glass was actually snowflakes falling slowly all around him.
The sound was loud and he knew it. Duo picked a piece out of the sink and a sinister smiled curled onto his lips. Duo's sanity was teetering on the edge; he had confessed his feelings for Heero, but it was already too late. He had already given up.
Duo unbuttoned his shirt one-handed and one button at a time, the shard clasped tightly in his hand. Each button drew more blood as he squeezed it tighter and tighter. He could hear the other pilots moving around wondering where the noise had come from. 'Let them wonder,' he thought as he threw the shirt on the floor.
Then the pain was gone, at least the pain in his heart. Blood dripped down his arms and chest as he played Picasso with his body. He could feel the blood ooze down his flesh but he couldn't really feel it; it was like he was in a dream, and he was going to wake up soon.
Someone knocked on the door. "Duo?" a concerned Quatre asked. "What was that noise? Are you okay? It sounds like you dropped something."
"Yeah, my fucking heart," Duo answered as he stared at the growing pool of blood at his feet. "Yeah, it's on the floor. I think."
Quatre knocked on the door. Hard. "Duo, open the door."
"I'm busy," Duo said in a sing-songy voice.
"HEERO! TROWA!"
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
The door came down like clockwork. Duo stared up at the three boys from the floor in his bloody little pool of hate and pain and love. "Oh, hello," he said. "Can I help you?"
Heero took a step forward and a piece of the mirror cut into his foot. He stopped for a second then ignored it and knelt down in front of Duo, taking the shard away. "Duo, look at me. Talk to me."
"I'm going to call an ambulance," Quatre said quietly to Trowa before disappearing. Trowa grabbed a towel off the towel rack and threw it on the floor. He grabbed another one and knelt down next to Heero.
"Here," he said. Heero took the towel and wrapped up Duo's arm.
"Where else did you do it?" he asked softly. With all the blood, Heero couldn't tell what was an injury and what was just a mess.
"Oh, everywhere." Duo giggled but as he did so he started to cough up blood. Heero looked at Trowa. "Oops. Sorry for the mess," he mumbled as his eyes began to roll back in his head.
"He's going to bleed out," Heero grumbled as he pulled off his shirt and wrapped it around Duo's other arm. "Where else did he do it?"
Trowa put his hand on Duo's chest but pulled it back quickly. "Heero..."
Heero stared at Duo's chest hard and nearly threw up. What he thought was just a mess of drying blood on Duo's chest was a mess of blood and skin shredded apart by the piece of mirror Duo had used. Trowa turned his eyes away and blindly handed Heero another towel. Heero wrapped the towel as best he could around Duo.
"They'll be here in a few mintues!" Quatre shouted as he popped his head into the bathroom. "Oh god... Duo..."
I'll write it on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping, someday, you might find
Well I'll hide it behind something
They won't look behind
Heero shook Duo in an attempt to keep him awake and not go into shock from loss of blood. "Duo, stay with me. Come on, Duo!"
Duo laughed at Heero and feebly attempted to push him away. "Oh fuck off, Yuy. It's too late anyway. By the time the ambulance gets here I'll have bled out."
"You don't know that."
Another laugh. "I'm going to bleed out."
Heero knew it was true. Even if the ambulance made it in time the chance that they would be able to give Duo a blood transfusion in time was slim to none. But he had to try. "Please, Duo. Just save your energy so they can save you."
"I don't fucking want to!" he shouted.
"Why... are you doing this?" Heero's voice wavered and Duo's heart broke all over again. "I... Why do you hate me? Is this because of me, that you did this? Is this my fault, Duo?"
The tears found Duo's eyes and came down in lines mixed with blood. "Yeah, it is."
Heero grabbed Duo's face with one hand and he brought their faces close. "I'm sorry, Duo."
"No, you're fucking not," Duo choked. Heero was covered in Duo's blood but he ignored it as he stared into Duo's eyes. "You are sorry that I am sitting here dying, but you are not sorry that you made me love you so you could break me. And I feel sorry for you, Yuy. Fuck you." Duo spit on Heero.
I am still inside him
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could've been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do
Duo wanted to strangle Heero, he wanted to shut the other boy up because all he was doing was feeding him lies. He was feeding himself lies. Duo wanted nothing to do with Heero's pathetic attempt to keep his life in control. It was always about control, and Duo was going to make him lose it.
"You know why I chose this way?"
Heero shook his head. "No, Duo. I don't."
Duo smiled, his face covered in blood. "Because you can't fix this. You can't make this go away."
Heero pressed his lips to Duo's, but Duo did not respond. He pulled away and Duo saw the tears in Heero's eyes. There was so much pain, so much hate, so much love - but Duo knew it was a lie. Everything about Heero was a lie and he needed to get away from it.
"Duo..." Heero paused as he caressed Duo's face. "I love you."
"Go fuck yourself, Heero."
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei stood in front of Duo's grave. Quatre laid down a bouquet of white roses, then turned to Heero. "I'm sorry, Heero."
"Don't be."
"What?" Quatre asked, confused.
Heero smiled. "Because."
"Because what?" Wufei asked angrily. "He was your best friend and--" Wufei stopped.
"That's why. Because of that. I couldn't accept him, and now he's dead. His last words to me were 'go fuck yourself, Heero' and then he was gone." Heero clenched his hand into a fist. "Don't be sorry, Quatre."
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
(Every day is the same)
Heero stared at the knife in his hand. It gleamed with an eerie light that seemed to beg for Heero to use it. A smile formed on Heero's lips and he pressed it against his wrist. Blood seeped from the skin into his sleeve and onto his pants leg. Heero pressed harder and drew more blood, finding a solace in the knife that Duo had left. Only Duo could release his pain.
Quatre watched Heero through the crack in his door, Trowa behind him. "... He loved him, didn't he."
Trowa shook his head and pulled Heero's door shut. "No, he didn't. He loved the thought of being with Duo."
"Being with Duo?"
"... He loved the idea. He is in love with the idea of Duo. Duo lived a lie so that Heero could be happy. Duo loved him so fucking much--" Trowa's voice cracked and he stopped. His heart and his words were heavy with the pain Duo had lived with for so long. "Duo loved him so much that he went on with Heero's little lie until it killed him."
"He was happy to die, wasn't he."
Trowa sighed. "Yeah."
"Why... why did he do it? Why did he live in that lie for so long?"
"I don't know, but I'll take solace in knowing Duo won't feel any more pain."
"And Heero?" Quatre asked.
Trowa didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry," Quatre apologized.
"Don't be." Trowa's words came out harsh. "I wasn't the one living the lie."
Quatre nodded and whispered to himself, "No, Duo lived that lie."
"him" should actually be "her" but I thought it would be better switch those out.