Author's Note: I hurt myself with writing this. I appologize. And it didn't help my beta (tuffbeifong on tumblr) didn't read this until 2am and just got all feelsy over this. Please forgive me.
Disclaimer: I am Kripke. I write fanfiction just to ruin everyone
Dean's Rainbow
Red is the fire that claimed his mother and broke his family in a way that could never be repaired. It's the color of blood that he sees too much of in his line of business and the burn inside his chest when that blood belongs to someone he loves. Or the anger that pumped through his veins from the age of four until he no longer had the ability to be angry anymore, when he could finally move on and accept that this is it and there is no changing it. Red is the color of craving that yanked at his soul even though he was no longer in the lowest pits of hell and the acrid smell of guilt when there is another life to add to the list of people left unsaved.
Black is how he felt when the nightmares of hell plagued him night after night. The stench of purgatory burning through his memories or what he wished everything would be when he met with Pestilence. Or the haze behind his eyes after he and his brother have been up for over 36 hours, trying to finish a hunt. What he sees when Castiel, angel of the ever absent Lord, is beating the crap out of him in an alley. Black is a color he doesn't much like (unless it's his baby, of course) because it reminds him too much of what used to be and how things could have been. And, while it's true that none of that can come to pass now, it doesn't make the memories any easier to bear.
Grey is the abandonment that festers deep in his soul every time his family leaves him. The agony of dreamless sleep when he doesn't know if he'll find the world still alive tomorrow. It's the haze that fills his vision when a holy stranger tells him to fix the path his lost brother is following. Or his unstable belief in that there is actually a higher being who supposedly give two shits about what he does and doesn't do and the hitch of his breath every time he hears the word 'destiny'. Grey is a painful reminder that he isn't as free as he likes to believe he is but also the slim hope that he may have the ability to change it all. It's the stopping of his heart when he gets exactly what he asked for; no paradise, no hell, just more of the same.
Brown is the dirt that has built up on the truck that is his but not really. It's the beer that he drinks every Tuesday but never buys and the Jack that he religiously pours himself when the hurt becomes too much. It's the muddle of memories and pain and no, not this again that visits him every few nights and the fight he has with himself because it's time to move on. It's the promise he made to a dead – no not really but he might as well be – brother. Brown is what colors his prayers because he's not even sure his angel is even listening any more.
Silver is the family that he never chose but wouldn't trade the world for. It's the flash of color he sees every time he dies knowing that the universe hates him but seems to like him enough to bring him back every time. Or the flash of a laptop being opened for the next research extravaganza. Silver is the feeling of home in a place that should never have existed and the smell of books that have no reason for still being on shelves. It's the weight of meat on a spatula as he makes his famous burgers because Kevin is tired of microwave burritos. Silver is the color of the faint memory of an angel pulling him out of hell, the color of salvation.
Gold is the crown that Charlie gave him after his stolen pep talk helped defeat all the other armies. It's the ring that hangs around his neck that symbolizes a promise of forever, or even more if possible. It's the color of Sam's princess hair that he no longer complains about because his daughter loves to put bows in it. Gold is the color of forgiveness after everything and the thoughts of the future filled with more family than hunting and the look of perfectly made pancakes on a slow Sunday morning. It's the amount of time that he and Sam spent apart because they no longer live in each others back pocket.
White is the memory of his mother adding a dollop of whipped cream to a slice of apple pie. The wisps of grace he can see inside of an angel-turned-human no matter how fallen he claims to be or the flash of Sam's teeth every time he says something hilarious. White is the glare of a moon he talks to because, despite his beliefs and religion and all the crap he has dealt with, he knows that there is a heaven and he likes to believe that his parents can hear him when he feels particularly chatty. It's the unbridled joy he gets out of knowing that there are dozens and dozens of people out there, living, because of what he and his brother do.
Yellow is Sam finally in love and married and finding out that his baby brother is going to be a dad. It's the rag he almost ripped in half when he was finally given the yes from the adoption agency and the stuffed duck in his hands as Cas is handed day-old Mary Samantha Winchester for the first time. It's the bright sun glowing as all the kids are playing their made-up game of hunters and ghosts, running around the backyard. Or the homemade frosting that stained the entire kitchen the first birthday he spent in his and Cas' house. It's father's day and the glances between porches that are next to each other because he and his brother could have never imagined their lives being like this just ten years ago.
Green is what makes him throw an arm over the angel's shoulders when someone gets a little too friendly. It's Castiel's favorite color and the grass beneath his grasp as he sits in his backyard, staring at the stars. It's every Christmas tree he has struggled to put up because the kids are unimpressed with anything shorter than Sam. Or the chipping paint of the shutters that he never closes because why shouldn't he let the sunlight in? It's the cover of Sam's favorite book and it's amazement because they actually have time for Sam to have a favorite book now.
Orange is the glaring sun on a hot summer day in the middle of ass-crack no where. It's the trickle of sweat that runs down his face as he's working on making sure his baby is taken care of and the clink of beer bottles and he just sits there and enjoys a night with Sam or Cas or both. Orange is the color of Mary's favorite dress that she has worn so many times that it's probably time to throw the poor thing away. It's a proper Winchester Thanksgiving where Sam complains that there's too much food even though he eats most of it or the color of the old beat up coach that Cas found for a bargain and insisted they just had to have.
Blue is much of everything else. It's Cas' eyes and the way he loves. It's the nursery he painted in the middle of the night because when Cas wanted to do some weird gender neutral shit and there was no way his kid was going to be in a room that was ear wax yellow. It's his baby girl's prom dress and the bruise he plans to make on that undeserving guy's face when he arrives fifteen minutes after curfew. It's the vibrancy of every year he has spent with the love of his life and the puppy dog eyes Mary gives him when she wants her daddy to make the Winchester apple pie. It's the first thing he sees in the morning and the last thing he sees before he goes to sleep. It's his dreams and his reality and the feeling of his heart bursting with a feeling that's much more than happiness.
Unknown is the color that Dean Winchester assigns his life because he can never figure out what it really is. It's all too much and too little and just enough that he thought he lost the moment he walked away from Lisa and Ben. Unknown is a color he'll keep exploring until his dying breath because this is his twisted version of apple pie; living next to his brother, surrounded by all the family he'll need, still hunting on occasion, fussing over groceries and what to make for dinner, lazy sex in the living room when the kids are in school, fights over whether Dr. Sexy MD or Doctor Who is better. It's what he will fight tooth and nail to keep and would travel to his twenty-eight-year-old self and tell him to suck it up because it's all good and fine and it gets way better just give it a little bit more time and the almost-apocalypse and the leviathan and purgatory and dying a dozen times and all that other crap is totally worth what is coming up ahead.
Unknown is a color he never finish learning about. And he's completely okay with that.