Probably the hardest humor one shot I've had to write, mainly because Zero can't show an incredible amount of emotion. BUT I FOUND A LOOPHOLE! Duel can. If this story doesn't make sense to you, it's okay. I don't get it either. Also, I italicize words spoken telepathically.
Special thanks to SuperPaperBag and Hanako-chama (now Lord CatFlower), whom I asked for assistance so I got Zero's personality right, though I think I somehow screwed something else up.
Enjoy!
One-Shot: Can I Have Some Diplomatic Tea?!
It was a simple plan really: Apologize to the dwarves on behalf of Elesis, who smashed their sacred idol after a mission in a wild party. He would give a speech of apology, then participate in the incredibly animalistic, diplomatic party that they were going to throw afterwards. With tea.
One problem: Zero was not the best speech giver.
In fact, the only reason he had accepted was because he had heard that Duel was planning to crash the party. He had been training for years, and now was the time that training was put to good use. However, Duel's intrusion was only speculation, and could not be counted on. It was worth a try though.
To cut down on travel time, Ronan had allowed his dragon to escort the wanderer to the dwarven castle. It had taken six hours, but it was better than six days. Gran had also given a small amount of advice before arrival.
"Don't screw this up."
The dwarves' sure did have an unnecessarily large castle. It was quite easy for one to get lost in it. In fact, Zero had gotten lost within ten minutes. Lucky for him the guards were so "incredibly generous" to "escort" him to the "waiting room" (Translation from sarcasm: They threw him in the dungeon).
Unlucky for him he received the invitation to give his speech within two minutes, for that was how long it took the guards to clarify his reason for coming. As he readied himself to give the speech, he felt a slight wave of nervousness come over him. He had never given a speech before, much less to a crowd of rowdy dwarves who would rather smash stuff with big hammers and a teapot. In fact, he had barely gotten five minutes into his badly written speech (Courtesy of Elesis) before tomatoes and water balloons were being tossed onto the podium.
*CRASH!*
"GUESS WHO'S HERE?!" Duel had made a rather boring and insignificant entrance, utilizing a large explosion, followed by a grand fireworks display. The dwarves all shot him a short, angry glance, then proceeded to continue hurling fruit and water bombs onto the stage at poor Zero, whom had assumed a defensive stance to block the incoming projectiles.
Duel is not amused.
He had wanted some SUPER EPIC GRAND BATTLE SCENE! Not… this… So, what was the best way to catch the attention of 15,000 dwarves with rifles and hammers? Easy. You do the opposite of what they do, with added pacifism.
In this case that was not the smartest idea.
Considering that Zero was standing on the stage, trained to kill him, and that the dwarves were ready to eliminate anybody who got between them and their target, it was not Duel's best option. But mister Pone Jack Avenger did it! He strode onto the stage, and stated, "Calm down good citizens, can't we all get along, and agree I am a huge asshole? No wait, I meant, I'm a totally awesome boss?" Half the dwarves residing in the audience booed.
And then Zero lunged with Grandark and all hell broke loose.
The dwarves were mad that they were going to miss out on the action. Duel was mad he wouldn't be able to make some long and intricate villain's speech before attempting to kill Zero. Grandark was mad that the bloody author was not making this go any faster. (HEY!)
Duel merely improvised with the time he had. "Hello Zero! I am here to do some random boring plotline fight with you so that KOG can get off their damn lazy asses and finally advance the story more!"
"And we are here to whoop your ass like a total boss, also to advance this on-hiatus-too-long storyline." Grandark remarked. "Now let's get this stupid, uneventful fight scene started before the dwarf king gets here."
In the corner of the room, one dwarf murmured to the other, "I bet ten thousand the guy with the mask will take five minutes to end this whole fight."
The other dwarf replied, "A hundred thousand it will take one minute."
Of course Duel hears all this, and flings both dwarves across the room at Zero, still in defense stance. The dwarves both miss Zero and hit the wall behind him, leaving two large dents in the stone wall. "Don't talk trash about me…" Duel smirked. "…especially since I have… THIS NEWFOUND POWER!" A blue light began to rise into the air, striking the sky and opening a large portal. "BEHOLD, THE POWER OF THE INTERNET!"
"Bullshit." Grandark stated in a monotone voice. The portal appeared to have frozen.
Duel's eye twitched. "What do you mean 'Bullshit'?"
In a mocking tone, the blade replied, "I'm saying your idea of having harnessed the internet as bullshit. Nobody can control the internet."
"Who said I controlled it? I only said I harnessed it." And with that the portal intensified, and Nyan cats began to pour out. "NOW DIE PEASENTS!"
"Grandark, Duel has finally lost his mind after Edna's death hasn't he?" Zero watched the rainbow menace descend onto the castle, readying Grandark at the same moment.
"Nope, he's always been insane. This is just that insanity in physical form."
"Then is this an easy fight?"
"Easy…?"
"Insanity altars battle abilities, correct?"
"True, but we will face public humiliation before even being able to get within ten feet of him. I really don't doubt that fact."
"So…?"
"We're fucked. We're absolutely fucked." A parade of Nyan cats directed themselves towards the wanderer, bringing that blasted annoying song along with them as they pelted the seeker. A quick slice of Grandark made quick work of the kitties. More Nyan cats noticed the scene, and charged in the help their buddies.
The dwarves, not wanting their fortress to be destroyed, joined in on the fight. For some reason, the cats could shoot arrows that hit the dwarfs' knees with unparalleled accuracy, disabling many of them from fighting.
Duel was not amused by the current fight. He thought it was too boring. "Zero...let's make this fight more… interesting." He readied another portal.
"Like hell will-"
*SLAM!*
Grandark was kicked out of Zero's hand by the impatient Duel, landing the sword in the ceiling above the chandelier. This was about when Zero became glad he had taken a brief lesson in bare hand fighting with Jin. Since he didn't need them, Duel also threw Eclipse and Transcendence up to the ceiling as well, landing them right next to Grandark.
Grandark was not amused. "OF ALL THE TIMES ARMS WOULD BE USEFUL! ECLIPSE AND TRANSCENDENCE ARE IN MY REACH! DAMN YOU OZ FOR NOT GIVING ME ARMS! DAMN YOU DUEL FOR GETTING ME STUCK UP HERE AND MAKING ME WISH FOR ARMS!" The sword's rant continued on, but it would get really boring to listen to him yell for this whole fight, wouldn't it?
Now, Zero had two options. Grab Grandark and Eclipse, defeat Duel, and retrieve Transcendence later, or defeat Duel and collect all three blades upon his defeat. Zero chose the former, quickly leaping from pillar to pillar, wall to wall, to ascend to the chandelier dangling high above the ground. Duel does not approve of Zero's actions, and gives chase.
The various Nyan cats floating around notice the rising wanderer, and rocket themselves at him to hinder his progress. This stalls him enough that Duel could catch up to him and fling him back to ground level. If you don't count getting slammed into solid stone tiling by Duel, Zero had taken little damage from the blow. Duel slowly descended. "You will agree to my terms… now… SUMMON PROCEDURE: PHILEMON!"
A second portal appeared, raining down various cards and a familiar stuffed bunny. The green bunny landed in front of Zero, staring up at him for no particular reason whatsoever.
"ZERO GET AWAY FROM THAT CURSED BLUE DOLL!" Zero saw no blue doll whatsoever, so he ignored Grandark's unusual request. The multitude of cards soon became an army of Blue Eyes White Dragons, chibified and having rather than a loud roar, the small chirp.
Duel ordered the little chibi dragons to assault the wanderer. The dragons fired rainbows, filling the halls with an annoying chorus of laughter, complete with bubbly sunshine and happy rainbows and unicorns. Already some of the dwarves were running around, screaming and covering their ears trying to avoid the insanity.
One card remained on the ground, which was promptly picked up by the bunny and given to Zero. He heard a voice inside his head.
I art thou, and thou art I… I art thy Persona. I guess. Seriously, kid, just pick up the damn card from the doll, I mean, bunny and crush it, so I can get out and do some cool shit.
Zero was confused. How could a little card alter the flow of the-
The sword screamed down at his wielder, "JUST CRUSH THE STUPID CARD ZERO AND SUMMON YOUR PERSONA!"
The wanderer picked up the card. Its design was filled with more rainbows and glitter and all that semi-glorious crap. He decided to comply with Grandark's ridiculous command to see how it went.
*Crash!*
A black portal opened in the center of the room. Heavy rock was being played somewhere, as skulls and black flames rose from within the dark pool. A grand shadow rose high up into the air, bound by chains. The chains were shattered as form came to the shadow, revealing a dark dragon.
OH MY WORD ZERO SUMMONED RED EYES BLACK DRAGON!
The dark creature rose and sprayed a black fire across all the little happy things in the room. Dark portals opened up underneath the flaming objects and dragged them down. The rainbow beams were now directed at the large black dragon. The seeker took the opportunity to leap onto the dragon's back, striding up it, for its head was just beside Grandark. With a quick swipe, Zero retrieved Eclipse and Grandark, but upon doing so, Transcendence fell to the floor below, into a random crevice. The dragon lowered his head to the floor, and Zero hopped off. The dragon spoke. "I am Seth. Thank you Zero, for destroying the happy rainbow seal containing me."
"You're welcome." Zero did not quite understand the situation, but he was aware that he had helped some… thing.
Seth turned towards the other dragons. "I'll get these ones back to the realm of darkness. Ciao!" And with that, all the Blue Eyes White Dragons were dragged down into darkness by giant, shadowy hands. Seth disappeared into a puff of smoke.
Duel was seriously not amused now.
His first defense had failed. Zero had his sword. This was not good. This was not good at all. So, what to do next? Summon the evil being known as… Trolloid, the ever-trolling.
Or, better yet, send Zero to Trolloid's dimension.
Once in there, Trolloid would do all the work while Duel attended to the multitude of Dwarves still lingering in the castle. Genius!
So Duel creates a portal, and gestures for Zero to enter. Now, what idiot would enter a portal their mortal enemy had just created for them? That's just silly. Time for an ingenious solution! Duel just kicks Zero into the portal.
Problem solved.
Zero is sent wheeling through the long, rainbow vortex. Upon landing in a bright, happy meadow, Zero recognized something quite familiar: The little green rabbit. It glanced up at Zero, and then ran through a random door in the middle of the meadow, like a ghost. Zero opened the door to find a hallway. Travelling to its end, he found… another hall and another door. After traversing that hall he found… another door. Continuing on for about 15 more doors, he found… guess what? Another door! "This is getting annoying." Said Grandark.
Okay, okay, I'll skip some of the tedious door finding.
Behind the who-knows-how-many-ith door, Zero found the little green rabbit was staring at a portal on the ground. The rabbit hopped through the portal. The wanderer approached the portal and noted that in it was Seth playing with the little white dragons.
Zero decided to ignore it and move forward.
Returning to a long chain of pointless doors, Zero realized he was missing something: Eclipse. Yes, he had Eclipse a few minutes ago, but where could it be no-
*BAM!*
OH CRAP IT'S TROLLOID!
Trolloid the ever trolling… standing in his bland brown cape glaring at the seeker and his sword. "Who dares intrude upon my territory?" Trolloid raised Eclipse. Crap, why the hell does Trolloid have Eclipse? Oh right, that's why Zero is in this dimension in the first place!
Zero readied his sentient blade for battle. Likewise, Trolloid readied his array of magical troll-powers. Zero lunged, but Trolloid sidestepped. Zero recovered and slashed, but Trolloid sidestepped again. Every strike the wanderer attempted, Trolloid would sidestep.
Well, that eventually gets irritating.
Zero shifted Grandark into a separate form, and tossed him at Trolloid. Long story short, Trolloid was obliterated, and with that, Zero, Grandark, and Eclipse, were (in a bright flash of light) returned to the dwarven castle.
Sadly, the scene now is not very pleasant.
Duel has now amassed an army of coinboxes. Deadly. Evil. Coinboxes. STUPID FUCKINGCOINBOXES!
Duel noticed the wanderer and redirected his attention to him. "Trolloid has failed me, it seems." The demon began, "I knew I shouldn't trust him." A smile began to form on Duel's face. "I still have one last trick up my sleeve it seems…" And with that, Duel summoned a giant cake to be dropped on the castle.
What kind of lunatic are we dealing with here…?
Zero watched the cake descend. The giant white drops of frosting dropped down onto many dwarves, crushing them under a pile of creamy goodness. The flames on the giant candles propelled the cake towards the castle at a fast speed. Besides that, the coinboxes were propelling coins at various guards at a quick rate. Destruction was immine-
"I think I finally understand what's going on."
Everything seemed to stop after the wanderer said that. He quickly found a chalkboard, and wrote the following statement on it: Coinboxes are harmless because they lack free will.
All the coinboxes turned into normal cardboard boxes and fell to the ground.
Duel looked over at the wanderer. "W-What did you do?" Zero cleared the previous words and added another statement: Cake = Time *Money. Money = Time, therefore Cake =Time*Time, or Time squared. You can't square time.
The cake vanished.
"N-No, STOP!" Duel was rushing towards the seeker at a great speed, but not before the final words were written: If the laws of reality have been broken, then Grandark is a French maid.
*BOOM!*
Grandark leaped into the sky, and crashed down, donning a French maid outfit, and for some reason, female. "G-Grandark… You are…. female?" The wanderer was very, very confused.
Granderk peered down at his/her outfit, and noticed his/her…cleavage. "…NO! FUCK! I'M MALE I SWEAR!" This received a chuckle from Duel. The humanoid-sword-thing stared him down. "Though the outfit is debatable, you are ultimately screwed over, Duel." The last word, said with a smirk, brought a whimper from the aforementioned demon.
"This isn't over…" Duel vanished, but not before taking his blades with him.
Grandark poofed back to his original state as a sword. Zero promptly retrieved him, and then, he was forced by the legion of cheering dwarves to have a cup of diplomatic tea. While partying.
After the oh-so-joyous diplomatic party, Zero and his sentient sword began their return to Grand Chase headquarters for a mission complete. During this journey, Grandark questioned, "Zero, where did you learn to make me human like that?"
The wanderer's reply was, "I didn't, as much as I dislike guessing." After a long silence, Zero had a question for Gran.
"Gran…" started Zero.
"Yes?" Was the sword's reply.
"…What is… the internet?"