Yo. I'm the Magic Mirror from Disney's "masterpiece" Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. If it were really a masterpiece, Snow White would be less irritating, the Queen would have a bit of character development, and the Prince would, oh I don't know, have a personality.

Anyway, the Queen (Her real name is Grimhilde or something.) created me out of magic. Big freakin' surprise. It's a bit disorienting to just be magicked into existence. It's not like a human, where, as a fetus, you slowly gain self-awareness. Oh, no. One moment, I was just minding my own business, not existing, then poof! I existed.

I found that I could see all that was happening in the world. I decided to focus on my kingdom. I saw a beautiful woman with long dark hair and lime green eyes. The Queen, my creator. I could also see her personality— vain, jealous, and cruel. I also saw a young girl of about 11- Snow White. She had pale skin, red lips, and pouf-y black hair. Personally, she wasn't all that pretty. However, looking into her personality, I saw that, while annoying as Hell, she was the human embodiment of compassion, sympathy and forgiveness. So kudos to her, I suppose.

I found out the reason for my existence that very hour. The queen hung me up on a stone wall, then looked at me (though I remained hidden behind a bunch of smoke. Hey, I'm pretty shy around strangers), and said, "Slave in the Magic Mirror, come from the farthest space. Through wind and darkness I summon thee. Let me see thy face."

Getting the sense that this was not a woman to mess with, I emerged.

"Speak!" she ordered.

Figuring that I was supposed to be as melodramatic and overly-formal as her, I said, "What wouldst thou know, my Queen?"

"Magic Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?"

Well, the answer to that should've been obvious— the woman was a freakin' knockout! But I decided to humor her. Maybe she just needed some reassurance, which never hurt anybody.

"My Queen, beauty such as yours is rare," I said. "My master, you are the most fair."

She smiled. She then closed a curtain over me, so no one knew I was there.

And this was my life for years. It quickly became clear that the Queen knew she was gorgeous— she was just fishing for compliments.

"Slave in the Magic Mirror, come from the farthest space. Through wind and darkness I summon thee. Let me see thy face," a voice called, as I was trying to have a nap in my shadowy home.

I groaned at emerged. "What wouldst thou know, my Queen?" I droned.

"Magic Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?"

"My Queen, beauty such as yours is rare. My master, you are the most fair," I recited.

I was tempted to add, "As you have been for the past three years. You always get the same answer, and you know you always will, so quit asking, bitch!" But I didn't. She would've boiled me in oil if I had… Hey, I'm not evil, I was just doing my job.

One day, when Snow White was nearly 16, the Queen asked me the same question.

"Magic Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?"

You… You know what?

To Hell with her. Every day for 4 and a half years, I've had to tell the broad how hot she is. Well, it ends now. Today, I have some fun.

"Famed is thy beauty, Majesty," I said. "But hold, a lovely maid I see."

Eh, I'll just dump the blame on some random peasant.

"Rags cannot hide her gentle grace. Alas, she is far more fair than thee."

"Alas for her!" the Queen cried. "Reveal her name."

Shit.

Uh… oh!

"Lips as red as the rose, hair as black as ebony, skin as white as snow."

"Snow White!"

Hmmph. That'll show her.