Across the Galaxy: Episode IV
"Oh my Gog, I am so excited for this." John bounced on the couch excitedly. "I didn't think you'd ever agree!"
"Chill, man. It's cool." Dave shrugged, sliding the DVD into the player.
"But it's so weird, Dave! I can't believe you've never seen Star Wars before!"
"Fuck, of course I've seen it. I just don't remember it."
"I got that when you said 'Anakin' instead of 'Luke'."
"No. Shit. Shut up. I was tired, okay. Just shut up and watch the goddamn movie." Dave thrust himself back on the couch and stayed there, slumped.
"Hey, asshole. Sup?"
"Oh, fuck. Not you." Dave looked up to see Bro leaning on the back of the couch, watching the title screen intently. "Fuck."
"Dude! You're making him watch Star Wars?" Bro grinned. "Nice job! This is cinema at it's fucking finest!"
"Right?" John replied. "You should watch with us! Er, if you're not busy. I mean, if it's not really awkward or anything, either. I, um…maybe I shouldn't have said anything." John shrunk back, embarrassed.
"Fuck yes, I will watch." Bro jumped over the back of the couch, missing the top of Dave's head by mere centimetres, and landed with a whump between the two. "Wait, no. This doesn't work. Dave, sit between us."
"Fuck you, I'm not moving."
But suddenly Dave was sitting in the middle. Bro leaned on the arm of the couch, grinning.
"I fucking hate you," Dave said in monotone.
"I love you, too, bro." Bro picked up the remote. "Let's get this party started."
As soon as the movie started, Dave gave an unnoticed roll of his eyes. Fuck. A shitload of useless text. There was no way he was going to—
"It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won…" John read with rapt attention. Bro nodded along with every word.
Fuck, thought Dave.
"Wow, okay. Look at those lasers. That is quality fucking CGI right there," Dave said.
"Shut up, Dave! Do you know how amazing these graphics are for its time?" John snapped.
"Yeah, man. Just because you can't fucking appreciate the greatness that is this movie, doesn't mean you have to try and ruin it for us." Bro smacked the back of Dave's head with an open palm. "Just appreciate it for what it is, bro. Which is awesome. That is what it is."
"I like how every scene cut uses curtain wipes. Just every single one so far," Dave continued, undaunted.
"Curtain wipes are amazing, Dave! They're perfect for this movie!" John protested.
"Curtain wipes are the cut of the future, today," Bro said.
"Does that droid always complain." Dave frowned. It was starting to piss him off.
"It must be Karkat!" John laughed. "Oh, wow, I bet that's totally what he sounds like, too."
"Man, how long is this going to fucking take. He'd better be off screen really fucking soon," Dave said.
"Hey, asshole. Learn when to shut your mouth, eh?" And then Bro smacked him again.
"Jegus, stop fucking doing that."
"No." And then he did it again. This time, Dave stayed silent.
But not for long. "Hey, Terezi, is that you," he muttered as he watched the glowing eyes of the sand dwellers blinking in and out of sight.
John frowned a little but didn't comment. "Oh! Wow! Isn't that electricity amazing?"
"You can practically feel it sizzling you," Bro agreed.
"I'm expecting oompaloompa songs right fucking now," Dave said, watching the sand dwellers drag the droids around.
"But Dave, that came out years after this movie!" John replied.
"Oompa, loompa, doompity doo, we just got ourselves an R2," sang Bro, half a tone off-key.
"I think that requires a high-five," John said, raising his hand.
"Fucking yes it does," Bro replied. They then proceeded to have the manliest of the manly high-fives.
"Dude, is he shouting 'muppet'," Dave asked, ignoring their antics.
"Is everything puppets to you, Dave? Is it?" Bro retorted, still grinning.
"No. Fuck. I'm not you," Dave snapped.
"They're obviously speaking their native tongue!" John said.
"Is that robot porn. What are they doing to him." Dave squinted at the screen as the sand dwellers began to tinker around with R2.
"Is everything porn to you, Dave?" John replied. He looked up at Bro and Bro looked down at John and then they did a spectacular mental brofist.
"Those lizards are actually pretty impressive," Dave allowed, watching the CGI reptiles slide across the screen.
"Wow! I didn't remember these lizards, or this scene!" John said excitedly. "And I thought I had the whole thing memorized!"
"There is always more to discover," Bro said. "Always."
"Sudden scene cut," Dave said.
"No. You're wrong. Shut up," Bro said.
"Where the hell did C3Porno come from."
"They got him, too! Weren't you paying attention, Dave?" John said.
"Of course I—what the hell is that. Doc Ock. Why is there a fucking mech spider."
"No, Dave. They're tools, obviously!" John replied. "They want to fix up the droids so they can sell them!"
"I like how R2 couldn't move before, but now he's just rolling along. They didn't even take the fucking restraints off," Dave commented.
"Obviously, they fixed him, stupid," Bro said.
"Yeah, Dave. You have to have more faith in this movie!"
John grinned at Luke's model plane. "Pchhoooo!"
"Shit, John. Did you just blast off," Dave said.
"No. I learned my lesson." But then John was watching in rapt attention as the hologram flickered onto the screen. "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi," he mouthed with the Tv, "you're my only hope!"
"This soundtrack is fucking amazing," Bro said.
"I know! I love it!" John agreed.
"Fuck, when is C3Porno going to leave. He's so fucking annoying." Dave slumped lower in his seat.
"You're just upset because you can relate to him," Bro said, roughly ruffling Dave's hair. "Because he's a gay robot, if you didn't get what I was saying there."
"Fuck you. No. Just fuck you. I'm not a robot. I'm—"
"I like how that's what you deny first."
"I'm not gay, you asshole."
"Hey, man, I don't care." Bro shrugged.
"Wow, Dave. You're gay? I thought you would've told me something like that, man. I'm kind of hurt! But if that's how you feel, I just want you to know that I'm totally cool with you. It's like that song, right, 'If you were g—" John began, only half paying attention to the conversation.
"I'm not gay, shut the fuck up," Dave interrupted.
"Damn, man. I want that fucking car," Bro said.
"Hovercars are the way of the future!" John exclaimed. "Holy shit, guys! It's Appa!"
"What?" Bro blinked.
"You know!" said John. "Like in Avatar!"
"That thing with the blue people?"
"He means The Last Airbender, dipshit. Don't you remember making me sit through all three seasons of that," Dave said.
"You fucking loved it, don't lie to me. Unironically, even."
"I will admit to none of these baseless accusations." A pause. "Wow. I like how Ben just has the creepiest pedophile expressions at Luke, just all the time." But then Dave was hit with a x2 pillow to the face combo and was dazed out of further commentary for a while.
"This is one of my favourite scenes!" John said, leaning forward. "It's so touching, how Obi-Wan gives Luke his dad's old…his dad's old…" He started tearing up.
Not knowing what else to do, the Strider brothers punched him broly in the shoulder.
"It's cool," Dave said.
"I fucking cried at that part, too. When he tells the story about Luke's father? Fucking tears everywhere," Bro comforted.
"What. Seriously. You did."
"No, man. I'm lying. I was trying comfort your poor friend, you stupid selfish dickwad."
"Thanks guys," John sniffed, wiping at his eyes under his glasses. "You're really good to me."
"No shit," Dave said.
"Anything's better than this kid." Bro gestured to Dave, grinning.
"The last remnants have been swept away," John quoted with the movie, trying to get back on track.
"I like how they're sitting in a black room in black chairs at a black table. I mean, aside from screaming 'we're the bad guys', there's not really much else you can do."
"Black inspires fear!" John said. "How else would Darth Vader get so many followers, Dave?"
"He's the ultimate driving force in the frontier for horror-based business schemes," Bro said. "Hey, they said 'technological terror'. That sounds like you, Dave. Remember when you fucked up the wiring for the-"
"No, shut up. Stop talking," Dave said.
"Magic is real!" laughed John. And then, quoting, "We will CRUSH the rebellion!"
"Oh my Gog. Is that a body," Dave said, staring at the screen.
"I don't remember this." John bit his lip.
"Fuck. Is that two bodies. Why would they show that. That is some disturbing shit, man."
"I don't remember this."
Dave and Bro glanced over at John. His shoulders were shaking a little and he looked like he was fighting back tears again. The brothers exchanged glances.
"Noooooo!" Luke shouted on-screen.
John buried his face in his hands. "Sorry, guys. I'm just…shit. I'm really sorry."
Bro reached around Dave and patted John on the head. "It's fine, man. Just let it out. I get it."
"Yeah," Dave said awkwardly. "I…I remember." But he was freaking out on the inside. What were people supposed to do in these situations? How do you comfort someone? He'd already punched John in the arm, wasn't that enough therapy?
"We don't serve their kind here!" John said along with the movie, trying desperately to cheer up. He didn't want the Striders thinking he was some lame cry baby. Not when even Bro was sitting with him. He had never thought he'd ever be able to watch a movie with both of them. It was kind of amazing.
"We serve everything but droids!" Bro said. He then dubbed over the odd alien squawking with his own dialogue. "Whatsamatter with me? Whatsamatter with you! It's all I do."
John laughed. "That totally matched the gestures!"
"Fuck yeah. I aim to please," Bro replied. "I always love how the party just goes back to normal after they cut that dude's arm off. It's just like, 'No big deal, guys. Just another fucking alienocide.'"
John tapped his foot in time with the upbeat music. "This music is just so good!"
It was then that Han Solo entered.
"Hey, Dave, is that you?" Bro and John said at once.
"Whoa, man." Bro grinned at the boy.
"That was awesome!" John exclaimed.
"One fucking mind." And so went their first fantastically bro bonding moment.
"I love Harrison Ford. He is just so amazing."
"Fucking miracles," Dave mumbled. They ignored him. "I like Obi-Wan's face there. It's all like, 'Hello, Little Boy. I have candy in my robe, do you want to fucking come and'—"
"Shut up, Dave! Don't ruin this! Don't ruin him!" John interrupted quickly.
"Yeah, man. Learn when to shut the hell up." Bro smacked him.
"Fuck. I told you to stop doing that." Dave slid down yet further in his seat. He was nearly off the couch now.
"I love Luke!" John was saying. "He is such a great character."
"I like how people in movies always put on robes to hide from shit. It is just like, 'What is the least conspicuous thing I can wear. I know, a robe. Because that will just fucking blend in with everything.'"
"No, Dave! Robes are normal in Star Wars! I bet it's weirder to not wear them," John replied.
Dave snorted. "I like how the sound 'hehehe' means 'every bounty hunter in the galaxy is after you'."
"What else would it mean?" Bro replied. "I think that's a pretty awesome fucking way to say that. It conveys everything you want."
"Oh, wow. Han is so cool! He's almost as cool as Nicolas Cage. Close second," John said.
"Let's just not try to open the locked door when we're looking for someone who is—gasp—smart enough to lock a door," Dave dubbed. "Seriously. Why the hell wouldn't they just break that shit down. It wouldn't get more obvious if the painted a fucking sign on the wall."
"Stop questioning everything. Just go with it," Bro said. "Jegus, you just can't enjoy movies, can you?"
"Why is he calling that slug a wonderful human being. He isn't even fucking human."
"That's the joke, dumpass."
"Not gonna lie, Egbert. That slug kind of looks like the one on your shirt."
"Dave, my shirt has a ghost on it! They're totally different!" John replied. "Oh my Gog! Boba Fett! It's Boba Fett!"
"He is the coolest guy," Bro said.
"He's only in it for like five fucking minutes," Dave countered.
Bro shrugged. "He's still cooler than you'll ever be."
"Who are you going to call?" John said in time with the movie.
"Ghost Busters," Bro said.
"Haha, yes! Nice one."
Dave rolled his eyes.
"I love the Millenium Falcon! It looks so cool," John said.
"Right?" Bro replied. And then the two proceeded to go into a long winded discussion of the various technical points of the many different starships.
"More gratuitous shots of the underbelly of the ship. Be still my beating heart," Dave said.
"Dave!" John moaned.
"Just ignore the little fucker," Bro advised. "I love this scene. 'What's that flashing?' And then Han just slaps his hand away."
"He is so cool!"
"This reminds you of when you were a kid, eh? Luke's training?" Bro grinned at Dave.
"Fuck you. Fuck you for making me do that bullshit. You're a horrible parent." Dave folded his arms. He was now nearly level with his legs.
"Wow, Dave! You did Jedi training? I'm so jealous!" John replied. "No wonder you were so good at the crazy weird pirouettes!"
"That wasn't on purpose," Dave muttered. No one heard him.
"I sensed a disturbance in the force, as if millions of voices called out at once and were silenced," John said.
"Chills," Bro replied.
"This is awesome. 'Religion is bullcrap!' That is a pretty fucking cool thing to build this movie on," Dave said, smirking. "The irony is tangible."
"Dave! Jedi is like a religion, too, you know," John responded.
"May the force be fucking with you." Bro leaned back.
"She's rich! Wow, Dave, TV you is a total dick. Why don't you just help them because they need help? Who cares about money!" John said.
"Curtain wipe," said Dave.
Bro nodded. "It's very consistent."
"Crotch shot," said Dave.
"It's okay, bro. I'm sure there will be more. Just don't get your hopes up too high, okay? There is only so much penor a movie so awesome can fit in before it explodes," Bro replied.
"No. Fuck you."
"Oh! Dave! You gotta watch this scene! It's so amazing! They all get trapped and—whoa, TV you just did an epic youth roll into the chute!" John was positively vibrating with excitement. "Save me, Dave! You're my only hope!"
"Shut up, Egbert. I'm not fucking Han Solo."
"Yeah you are, Dave! I bet he even has the shades! I'm totally Luke, by the way." John replied. "Oh, man! Thanks for killing me, Dave! Oh, wait, I'm fine."
"I'm not Han Solo, for fuck's sake."
"I get nervous every time I watch this scene! Even though I know what happens."
"That's stupid."
"But I love all the characters! They're just like us, Dave! I don't want them to die!"
"That is also stupid." Dave stared blankly at the screen for a while. He considered bleating like a Wookie for ironic purposes later. But only if no one was around. "I'm just gonna grab your ass, Tits. No big deal. It's not like we're running from death or anything."
"A true man always cops a feel whenever given the opportunity—even in the face of certain death," Bro said sagely.
"I just met you and I love you. Wow, that's fucking logic."
"Obi-Wan is such a ninja! Hey, Bro, is that you?" John said.
"Yes. I am fucking Obi-Wan. I like where this is headed. I will teach you in the ways of the Jedi." Bro chuckled.
"Yeah! Wow, Han and Leia fight just like you and Rose, Dave!"
"Shut up, no." Dave glowered.
"I mean, I guess not really, because you kind of make out later and that'd be kinda creepy. But I think I kiss her, too!"
"What the hell are you talking about."
"Nice warcry there, Dave!"
"Shit, Egbert, if you say I'm Han one more time, I will school your shit."
"Did she just kiss him? Are you sure that's not Rose?"
"Dude, she's my sister. And what kind of incest porn are you making me watch, anyway."
"Everything isn't porn, Dave! And they love each other platonically." John's fingers gripped the leather of the couch tightly. "You think a princess and a guy like—no. Wow, Dave! Are you trying to steal my girlfriend? I thought you were gay."
Dave reached down in front of the couch, feeling the tip of a pillow graze his fingers. In one smooth motion, he swung it up and over, hitting John square in the face.
"Ouch! Isn't that what you're best at? Looking after yourself? Wow, Dave, you're such an asshole!"
"That totally sounds like him, though," Bro said. The smirking grin hadn't left his face since they started watching.
"It's the climax, Dave! Start watching! Oh! It's the fat guy!" John exclaimed.
"What." Dave dropped the pillow back to the floor.
"You missed him! But you know, the fat guy!"
"What."
"You'll see, it's the fat guy!"
"What the hell."
"Just wait!"
"Oh my Gog, his name is Porkins. That is just fucking cruelty right there."
But then Porkins was gunned down by enemy fighters and John was too busy stifling a sob to reply.
"Why didn't they just blow up the rebel planet. Why did they wait. That is just shit villaining right there. And—holy shit, is that Gandalf."
Dave was hit by another x2 pillow smack combo. His shades fell askew and his head was starting to hurt, but he wasn't going to surrender just yet.
"I like the way the phaser shots or whatever just crawled into the fucking tube. He didn't even fire them in, the angle was totally wrong. They fucking just slid into the tube like they were intergalactic lasersnakes—"
"Shut up," Bro and John said together. It was another epic bro bonding moment.
"Look at all that bro-ocity," Bro said. "They're all coming together to form the epitome of broness." He smiled lopsidedly at Luke's garish yellow jacket. "Lookin' stylish there, Luke."
"Always," said John.
The ending credits began to play. Bro and John sighed and slumped back against the couch.
"Was it good for you?" Bro asked, snickering.
"Dude," Dave said in disgust. "Just fucking no."
But John just repeated, "Always."